At the core, people with OCPD are very emotionally sensitive people. Emotionally sensitive people are, by nature, very generous. They want to help others, be nice to others, fix problems for others. This makes them feel good. Emotionally sensitive people who lack true self-esteem and have fear of rejection, though, will unfortunately spend so much energy trying to gain a sense of self-worth and acceptance through being "nice." So a lot of people with OCPD get into dysfunctional relationships with very messed up, broken people (there's more to fix). If you're a non on this board, my guess is, there's a big chance you're one of those messed up, broken people. But since your partner just happens to have a medically termed label, i bet many of you forget that you are probably quite messed up too and you contribute just as much to the complications in your relationship.
We're all messed up. OCPDers and their partners. Stop thinking that your shit don't stink and go and fight for your relationship, not just for yourself.
It's funny, because I'm an emotionally sensitive person who wants to be nice to others and make them happy, lacks self-esteem (well, that part is getting better, thank God), and has a fear of rejection. That's why it hurts so much every time DH, who suffers from OCPD, criticizes me. That's also partly why I was drawn to a broken person -- the desire to fix. I know that DH, at his core, also has self-esteem issues and fears rejection; however, this does give him the right to verbally abuse or control me.
We all can feel whatever emotions we fee, but we don't have the right to express them whatever way we choose when that hurts another person. I believe we don't have the right to express anger over honest mistakes and minor differences in the way people do things -- like leaving crumbs on the counter. If we feel we must say something, we can raise issues in a loving way and try to reach a compromise, the way a healthy relationship is supposed to work. I do believe we have the right to express anger over being treated poorly, especially when bringing up the issue in a loving way doesn't work. I also don't believe we have the right to express anger, even over legitimate issues, by physically or verbally abusing the other person.
Nons don't need to write about our shortcomings. We tend to hear about them often at home. When I tell DH that I don't want him to keep yelling at me or the kids, he likes to bring up whatever my shortcomings are -- I am talking too loudly about the issue, I'm not disciplining the kids enough, etc, etc. I've learned that if I let him shift the discussion to what I need to change, it never gets back to what he needs to change. It's because I do see EVERYTHING that's wrong with me that I have to make myself stronger and not take on more than my fair share of the blame. It's like a woman who is physically abused who says, "If I was different he wouldn't hit me." Well, she knows she isn't perfect, but that doesn't make it right for him to hit her and if she focuses too much on her imperfections, she starts to forget that she doesn't deserve to be hit. Nons come here, in part, to be strong in refusing to blame themselves and to stop thinking that, if they just follow the rules better, their spouse will stop being angry at them.