Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: Re: what to expect if we marry??
PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2013 4:54 am 
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Joined: Wed Dec 26, 2012 10:39 pm
Posts: 157
I would really like to elaborate on the various ways I find this situation to be selfish but I'll just cut it short. Marriage, or any relationship for that matter consists of a give and take coexistence, PD or just Human. To have a give and take relationship now and then expect for it to be one sided afterward, black and white, by a different set of rules, that's it! mentality, won't help him overcome his anxiety, he'll just live in it and he will pull her into it without either of them truly knowing where it all went wrong (OCPDers ignore the real starting causes, I know I repress mine so badly that I forget what the real cause it all together and I'm sure that I'm upset about what's at hand).


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 Post subject: Re: what to expect if we marry??
PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2013 10:21 am 
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Joined: Wed Aug 25, 2010 6:51 pm
Posts: 761
Sophie, so sorry to hear you're in this position. It must be extremely distressing to be mired between love and fear. How to go forward? After 14 years married I can offer my experience boiled down to a few words. Don't do it. This feeling of anxiety, stress, uncertainty, that surrounds you now IS the nature of your future in marriage. IT does not settle down, IT grows and devours every sweet thing you now enjoy. The few of us that are survivors over time are like old scar-face battle worn veterans. Watch the old movie, EVENT HORIZON, and heed the warning....."save yourselves." :!:


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 Post subject: Re: what to expect if we marry??
PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2013 12:11 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:08 pm
Posts: 598
Imagine you are a farmer who wants to find some land to farm. You plan to farm this land for the rest of your life so you want to buy some good, arable land.
The real estate agent tells you about a tract of land that has become available. It is on a grassy hillside with a beautiful view. How picturesque! You go there in the spring and plant the crop to give it a try and see how this land would work out. Soon you realize that despite the gorgeous view, to get a harvest you would have to spend time removing the rocks from the hillside and terracing and spending a great deal of time to get farmable land. Also when the weather gets bad you have found it causes the soil to run off so you continually have to keep fertilizing the soil. So you can do that OR, since you have not bought the land, ask the agent to find another tract of land and ask them to go and look for flatter land without rocks that has a decent view and with a little fertilizer you could whip into shape with almost no effort at all and abandon this year's meager harvest with the hope of abundant harvests with much less work in the years to come.


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 Post subject: Re: what to expect if we marry??
PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2013 1:33 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2013 5:53 am
Posts: 238
This is an old thread and I don't know if you are still around Sophie. My guess is that if you do marry him or move in with him, you will be back here posting!

I got married after knowing my OCPD'r for only 10 months. BAD MOVE. Another bad move was moving in with him into HIS condo. That's where it all fell apart. Let me tell you, before that, there was hand holding (HAH!) and even an occasional phone call when he was missing me.

He gave me a room in his place that was supposed to be mine. It was my art area where I did art. One day I came home and he was rearranging all my books so they were the right size and color coordinated. Everything became HIS rules and his way. Awful.

Now I have been married for 6 years. I do have battle scars myself but I have SOMEWHAT learned to live with his OCPD. I give in a lot and let him have his way... be right... his way of doing things.. etc. But let me tell you. IT TAKES YEARS OFF YOUR LIFE. I have a girlfriend that sums up my relationship in a joking way although, its so true. She always says "you should have never gone on that 4th date"

I know you think your relationship is different. Everyone does... but not to be a jerk.. it's NOT. I am telling you DO NOT GET MARRIED. Why ANYONE in their right mind would knowingly get married to an OCPD'r is beyond me. Oh you say you love him and he is a great man? Ok, move in with him.. mix your lives together and come back and let us know how that's working for you.

Sorry if I sound harsh but I would just hate to think anyone would have to go through what I have or anyone on this board.


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 Post subject: Re: what to expect if we marry??
PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2013 1:59 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 15, 2013 8:44 pm
Posts: 34
MarriedtoOne wrote:
I know you think your relationship is different. Everyone does... but not to be a jerk.. it's NOT. I am telling you DO NOT GET MARRIED. Why ANYONE in their right mind would knowingly get married to an OCPD'r is beyond me. Oh you say you love him and he is a great man? Ok, move in with him.. mix your lives together and come back and let us know how that's working for you.

Sorry if I sound harsh but I would just hate to think anyone would have to go through what I have or anyone on this board.



It is probably unlikely, I'm sure, but certainly possible to have a good marriage with an OCPDer. My husband knew how I was well before moving in with me. It was difficult and he confessed that he felt like he was intruding on my space, when he moved into my apartment. However, we communicate well and I, as the OCPDer, have good trust in him. This makes it workable for us - he has some anxiety issues himself so he is at least able to imagine where I am coming from on things, even if he doesn't agree. In turn, I make an effort to try to explain my reasoning behind things. It doesn't mean I'm easy to live with, but we're continually working on how we communicate. Talking, and humor, are so incredibly important.

I do understand that it's difficult, especially if the OCPD partner doesn't accept or acknowledge the PD. That's what very nearly ended my parents' marriage. But it can work out, and it did in their case. My mom has learned how to react to his outbursts, and after nearly losing my mom, my dad at least makes an attempt to control what he says to her.


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 Post subject: Re: what to expect if we marry??
PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2013 2:36 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2013 5:14 pm
Posts: 350
Marriedto1, please cut yourself a break...maybe, knowing someone for merely ten months before marrying falls some months short of the 'right' number of months, but it sure isn't a weekend in Reno romance. As you read all the prior posts, you will see many, many plaintive laments with this trope...'I knew my OCPDr for [fill in the blank for specific length of time] and I never saw this side of the [OCPD W/H/SO] until we were living together and/or married.' The most poignant posting I can recall was a Non who posted 'I'm a PhD Psychologist. We dated for several years. How could I not have seen the distorted thinking and crazy rules before we married?' It is a characteristic of the Disorder's behavior - Dr. Jekyll becomes Mr. Hyde once you have become a key figure in the inner circle...and thus someone who must be 'protected' by being subject to the OCPDr's control.


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 Post subject: Re: what to expect if we marry??
PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2013 4:53 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2013 5:14 pm
Posts: 350
Eidna, I too believe that a satisfactory marriage could be achieved with an OCPDr...but the "if" conditions are so numerous and...to me...onerous that I will always start with 'If you haven't; don't.' - move in with, marry, have a child...


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 Post subject: Re: what to expect if we marry??
PostPosted: Thu Jun 12, 2014 12:05 pm 
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Joined: Sat May 10, 2014 7:38 pm
Posts: 329
Location: PNW
OCPD or not, I do not think that the length of time you date someone is an indicator of how well the marriage is going to go.

Shortly after I met the man who became my DH, he was sent overseas by his work for 3 years. When he got the news that he was going, we had been dating about 3 months. I knew at that time that I was deeply in love with him, but if he did not want to marry me at that point and take me with him, I was not going to wait for him to return in 3 years. That would have been unreasonable on my part to wait and pine for a man that may or may not want me in 3 years? Well, he did propose and we were married right around the 4 month mark and off we went together overseas. We have been married 18+ years and things are still going strong.

Around that time, one of my friends met her BF who she ended up being with for 5 years. When she first met him she sent me a letter about how they had gone Christmas shopping together and he needed some socks and it took him an HOUR to pick out socks. I thought to myself if it takes him an HOUR to pick socks, how long is it going to take for him to pick a wife? Well, 5 years later….he tells her that he doesn't want to get married…now they are in their 30s and they split up. SIX MONTHS LATER he is married to someone else with a baby on the way….My friend was in SHOCK….she thought he did not want to commit to a marriage when in reality he didn't want to commit to her….what the H was he doing for those 5 years!?

I guess what I am trying to say is nothing is foolproof. I had a short courtship and it has worked out great for me and DH. My friend had a long dating relationship that ended in disaster, so there isn't necessarily a perfect length of time that will ensure a great marriage/relationship. I think it has to do with what is shown in whatever length of time to the other person. If you are open and honest then people can make good choices about what they want to do. In the OCPD-ers cases, if they are not open and honest about showing people who they are, those people cannot make good decisions regarding them. If someone is exhibiting questionable behaviors, it would be good to get away from them. Don't think you can change them or it will get better….it won't. Abusers abuse, and they will move on to another target once they've worn you out or you've picked up your skirts and run away. It really is better to not go there….regardless of what type of negative behavior is being displayed i.e. OCPD, physical abuse, drug, narcissism, etc... Love is all well and good until it's beating you to death….either emotionally or physically.

_________________
--Escee

Key:
EF--enabling father
ES--enabling sister
FOO--Family of origin
Flying Monkey-- A person who is sent out by the OCPD-er to guilt, harass and hoover you by proxy for the OCPD-er's benefit.


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 Post subject: Re: what to expect if we marry??
PostPosted: Sat Jun 06, 2015 3:18 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 22, 2014 12:56 am
Posts: 9
Hi Sophie,
wanted to hear from you if you married the guy and how is your life


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