So .. I was married to a narcissist. . so much of this crosses over.
Bottom line. .call it what we want, you just described is terribly abusive.
You should commend yourself for having the strength to leave
Have you considered talking to a therapist? This type of thing is not easily worked out on your own.
JustMe: I was with a narcissist for 4 years, and my mom was one too, so I really know how lack of empathy feels, and how subtly disordered people operate, the subtle lies, the denial of truth and your reality, the blame shifting and gaslighting, the endless crying and sadness... their inability to watch you being sad without attacking you even more... so the weaker you are, the more you should expect to be attacked, put down and ridiculed. I'm so shocked to be learning that the OCPD is so similar to that. The only difference that I see is HOW they use the same tactics. The NPD BF would get angry, threaten to leave the relationship, call me names, call me borderline and emotional and flirt with other women and have emotional affairs. The OCPD BF was more subtle. He would blame shift, but never express anger openly, so that I can't blame him for it (He used to say: "I always wanted to hurt and kill my ex-wife, but I had to practice self-control"). The OCPDBF would not threaten the relationship directly but rather behave in a way that would make me want to leave! He would a lot of silent treatment to manipulate me to behave the way he wanted. I still see NPD more intense just because they really want to punish you badly if you criticize them and they have no sense of morality and they can use people and use them. With OCPD's, they have a high sense of responsibility, and can be financially responsible, they can help you around the house (and be clean freaks!), and some of them have a high sense of morality and are fairly loyal.
But I'm tired of both!!!
Yes, I have a therapist I work with locally. I also do IFS (internal family systems) with someone over the phone in Seattle. I always work on myself, trying to heal, improve and grow... and always wish my partner would do the same... and so sad my OCPDBF would never do anything like that!