Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Mon Jun 02, 2014 3:15 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2011 4:07 am
Posts: 979
In my case, I was mostly lambasted for trying to make a 'monologue'. Her ideal conversation with me was one sentence at a time. My feeling was that she 'risked' to be carried away by my version of the truth (or my distortion of reality).

I think most interruptions of that kind are related to the fact that the ocpd'er needs to keep their own version of the truth intact at all times and by focusing on 'the wrong details' they can prevent actual information coming in and upsetting their views.


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Mon Jun 02, 2014 5:16 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jun 02, 2014 4:58 pm
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For me, I think the most difficult thing is the feeling of being trapped. I think the only value he sees in me is that no one else would stick around and put up with this, but I do, because I love him. He interrupts me constantly to make sure I know what he has to say is much more important than what I have to say. If I do something, he redoes it, making sure to tell me why it was important to re-do it as he goes, I get a million questions on everything I do, since he doesn't trust me to do them right. He also chastises me in front of others which is so embarrassing. He has started to have emotionally and verbally abusive outbursts if I challenge him at all. His solution is always that I can leave if I want to. But, I have two kids and no family close by and no friends left. He systematically drove away all my friends to the point I have had much contact with them in a long time. He courted me so fast and furious and pressured me to get married so quickly and now I see why.


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Mon Jun 02, 2014 5:37 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 01, 2014 8:33 am
Posts: 320
belgianguy wrote:
In my case, I was mostly lambasted for trying to make a 'monologue'. Her ideal conversation with me was one sentence at a time. My feeling was that she 'risked' to be carried away by my version of the truth (or my distortion of reality).

When DW has something important to say, she'll talk AT me for a good 10 or 15 minutes about something whilst I have to keep eye contact and listen. She won't provide any pauses to allow me to respond or comment, and if I do interrupt her she gets really upset, rants about it, then says "I don't know what I was saying now, you made me forget by interrupting me" and walks off in a mood. If I DON'T interrupt, she'll compete the 'conversation' ad nauseum to the point that everything has been covered and there is nothing left to say. At which point there is an awkward silence. Oh, and if I happen to look away or try to continue what I was doing WHILST listening, I get the "All you listening to me? LOOK AT ME when I'm talking to you. I don't know where I was now, you made me forget" and she walks off in a mood....

The difficult thing is, her monologues tend to go on for so long and actually contain very little information (she has to recount a story covering every tiny detail even though I understand the actual message with the first few semtences...) that I find it hard not to zone out.... Usual wrath ensues...


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Mon Jun 02, 2014 5:42 pm 
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Joined: Tue Mar 11, 2014 4:02 pm
Posts: 141
Mexico23 wrote:
For me, I think the most difficult thing is the feeling of being trapped. I think the only value he sees in me is that no one else would stick around and put up with this, but I do, because I love him. He interrupts me constantly to make sure I know what he has to say is much more important than what I have to say. If I do something, he redoes it, making sure to tell me why it was important to re-do it as he goes, I get a million questions on everything I do, since he doesn't trust me to do them right. He also chastises me in front of others which is so embarrassing. He has started to have emotionally and verbally abusive outbursts if I challenge him at all. His solution is always that I can leave if I want to. But, I have two kids and no family close by and no friends left. He systematically drove away all my friends to the point I have had much contact with them in a long time. He courted me so fast and furious and pressured me to get married so quickly and now I see why.


I feel trapped, too. I have a hard time thinking to far into the future. There is no way I could "confront" my DH about his OCPD. He is perfect. He is a viscous verbal fighter and nothing is ever resolved when it gets to that point. I have recently started using some of the boundary techniques others here suggest. Surprisingly, I am having little victories. Of course, DH doesn't realize it, or he would fight back, because EVERYTHING is a competition. Little boundaries, mostly said in a very pleasant voice so he almost slips by him, but not. If that makes sense?

Start building or rebuilding your friendships. You are ALLOWED the simple pleasure of friends. Don't totally give up yourself!


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Mon Jun 02, 2014 5:47 pm 
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Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2014 7:16 pm
Posts: 2683
Ooooh ThinIce, how dare you interrupt her! Mine too! And yes, you must pay attention with full eyes and full stop. The other thing you have to do is know that they are talking to you even though you might have been in the other room yalking on the phone. But it is not necessary to have them inform you that you are the person to whom they are talking, you must just know and dully pay attention. If you aren't, then you are being disrespectful and ignoring them, sigh!


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Mon Jun 02, 2014 6:38 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 01, 2014 8:33 am
Posts: 320
jujumonkey wrote:
Ooooh ThinIce, how dare you interrupt her! Mine too! And yes, you must pay attention with full eyes and full stop. The other thing you have to do is know that they are talking to you even though you might have been in the other room yalking on the phone. But it is not necessary to have them inform you that you are the person to whom they are talking, you must just know and dully pay attention. If you aren't, then you are being disrespectful and ignoring them, sigh!

We could be talking about the same person here! It's really annoying when she starts one of her monologues without warning and I haven't had chance to go to the bathroom first...

But yes, my DW will talk to me from another room where I can't hear her properly. Then she'll find me and say "Am I talking to myself?!"...well quite frankly, yes...

But what REALLY gets me is that anytime I start to say something, she almost always interrupts me before I've finished the first sentence. And it's usually to point out something unrelated to what I'm saying (like some dirt on the carpet, or a bird in the tree outside). Sometimes I don't bother to resume and she walks off and never asks me to continue. Evidently nothing I say is worth listening to, or important. So I don't bother saying much anymore!


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Mon Jun 02, 2014 6:45 pm 
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Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2014 7:16 pm
Posts: 2683
Mine gets mad when I interrupt, but he does it constantly. I also get frustrated because he has these long pauses in his train of thought, but then when I start to talk, he says he wasnt finished talking. So now I wait and then he says, "well arent you going to say anything?" And I am like, I was just listening to what you were saying. Aaaaaaaaugh!!!!!

Yes, in some ways, we are talking about the same person....kinda creepy.


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 Post subject: How do you live with someone you love so much that has OCPD?
PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2014 11:50 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 22, 2014 10:14 pm
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I've been living a nightmare for the last 5 weeks with my husband, we all knew he had some form of OCD I've been living with him for 13 years as he was strict deadlines, wouldn't delegate task either at home or at work, clean and tidy as if everything needed to be in it's place, chairs pushed in, Dishes done before bed, unfinished projects cause they weren't perfect or couldn't finish them due to no money and much more........ the thing is now it's like his brain has switched off and all I get is a vacant stare when I try and talk to him about what is happening as he has become completely distant from me and can't explain what is going on in his head and only getting "I don't know" from him.

He had become secretive with his phone until the bill came and I found 107 pages of nearly only 1 consecutive number and they were all text messages, I found out he has been chatting to a woman I absolutely hate as she is a nasty piece of work when she drinks and I have only ever seen her drunk! now he was confiding in this drunk about his feelings and it even got to the point he was texting her he loved her! My heart felt stomped on! I confronted both of them and she said there was nothing in it and that she was only lending an ear and he said she made him feel better and that he thought he loved her as it was like a fantasy in his head because he was trying to escape reality. His lied many times there after about contacting her after I told him to stop and for her to stop, she has no business in what is happening to my husband and should have stopped all conversations when he started to declare his love for her she has a partner and I should in my right mind tell him what has been going on. The really screwed up part of this is that he doesn't see anything wrong with this at all as it made him feel better talking to her and in his head he was having a relationship with her but coming home to me! He doesn't grasp the concept that it killed me to read those messages to her and the phone bill being 107 pages long he even went as far as getting another phone just so he can fulfil his obsession with her and when caught out had no emotions whatsoever. He has not cheated with her, there has been no physical contact it has just been all through texting. The thing is I'm ready to end the marriage because I don't know if I can trust him anymore with all the deceit, and lying! BUT he tells me he loves me and doesn't want me to leave.

It's only been since yesterday his mother and I were reading up on OCPD and all the traits seem to fit him to a T! He has read the information and also believes he could be OCPD so now he is going to take the Info to his Psychologist tomorrow. I just hope that this is his first step to admitting he has a mental disorder as he has been denying that there is anything wrong but him just losing himself and not knowing what he wanted in life and thought this whole time it was a midlife crisis.

My trust for him however has been tested and I don't know if I could live with the dishonesty trait that he so possesses right now :-(

How do you live with your OCPD Partner?


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 2:40 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 09, 2013 2:24 am
Posts: 56
wwurst wrote:
For me the most difficult thing is not really what my ocpd partner does but the impact that it has on me. Mine has the amazing ability to sniff out any moment when I am feeling truly free and relaxed - and squash it. So even if I hold firm, the moment - the relaxed feeling is gone. Anytime I have sort of reached for something new or different or outside of our normal bounds, he starts to pick it apart, so even if I have the courage to follow through, I feel isolated and discouraged. This has influenced me more than I care to admit and prevents me from pursuing things I might want to do.


I thought it was just my imagination. It got to the point when I was feeling happy, there was always the feeling of any minute now, the rage is going to erupt.

A few years ago I bought a guitar. It is beautiful. And I felt such peace during the 15 or so minutes a day I was practicing. I was feeling really good about learning to play. This could not be allowed. Vesuvias blew. I was a horrible horrible person. Letting the family down. Wasting time that should have been spent on her. It got so bad, and went on for so many days, I put my guitar away. I haven't been able to get into playing it again. She sucked the joy out of it like everything else.


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 11:17 am 
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Joined: Thu Jan 16, 2014 9:51 pm
Posts: 64
No longer a couple, but she would be cold, demanding, passive/ aggressive, controlling and distant until I had had enough, then the sweet side would emerge and talk me back into remaining and trying to understand her. It was the same pattern over and over....by Cutting off communication, no affection, lots of her schooling me and looking at me like I'm an idiot because I didn't get how her way, her rules, anxieties, fears were always accurate, saying how she didn't need anyone or anything...finally I would begin to feel like would not be able to work things out so I'd begin to state that we weren't working out and should give up. then it was time for her list of grievances about me to be discussed...so many trivial things that bothered her so intensely...I didn't get it!

I would say that the disconnectedness from her in day to day life was the hardest for me. I knew how compassionate she had been in the beginning and couldn't believe that she was the same person a few months later.


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 11:24 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2014 7:16 pm
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We're perfect until we are theirs. Then we need to be improved upon, sigh!


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Mon Aug 25, 2014 4:53 am 
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Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2014 2:39 pm
Posts: 256
As a recently self-diagnosed OCPD'r I am guilty of much of what you all shared, I'm really saddened for what you have been put through. This condition is so bizarre, I actually caught myself doing the whole eye contact militant listening demands while I was trying to help my kid to not obsess themselves!

If we with OCPD can't accept that we are wrong, and can not see that our harming you is far worse than some nit picky little thing you did/didn't do then it's currently hopeless. I will say that 6 months ago I never even considered that I had any problem, so change is possible, but we have to recognize it ourselves. Sometimes I can't believe my wife is still with me.

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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2014 4:50 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 26, 2010 5:24 pm
Posts: 980
Location: Texas
My current most difficult struggle with my OCPD partner is his victim stance. He is the victim of nearly everyone. Mostly me and our youngest daughter who is currently struggling with health issues.
I told him not to tell me what to do today and he said, "You always do what you want." He is implying he never does what he wants.
He has been retired for five years. He complains that he is always working for someone or another. He does do some housework and he volunteers at our town library and visits his aging father.
I just would rather he not do something than do it and complain and act mad about doing it. When I tell him exactly this he says, "I don't believe you. or You don't really mean that."
He goes around with this negative attitude. Not good to be around him.
-lily

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If you want to fly...you have to give up the stuff that weighs you down.


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:46 pm 
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Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2016 6:58 pm
Posts: 4
I find that the daily nit picks and telling me how to do and not do practically everything most irritating. If I object or answer back, he blames me. It is getting to the point where I can't stand to be around him, and I am sure he feels the same way.


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:47 pm 
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Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2016 6:58 pm
Posts: 4
Another thing is the extreme hoarding! Does anyone have that problem?


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