Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2014 12:48 am 
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Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2009 4:59 pm
Posts: 181
For me the most difficult thing is the joylessness of life with an OCPD partner. It's like this soul-less, joyless existence punctuated with tension. Like others have said, an OCPDer can be like a happiness toxin-it feels like being poisoned. The term "wet blanket" seems apt-a thing that is supposed to be comforting but is wet, cold, heavy and hindering.

I feel bad for OCPDers...I think my OCPD so wanted to experience happiness but never truly could. At least us spouses have an escape!


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2014 4:46 am 
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Joined: Thu May 01, 2014 8:33 am
Posts: 320
puresage wrote:
He would a lot of silent treatment to manipulate me to behave the way he wanted.

The silent treatment is one of my DW most formidable weapons. She's a master at it, and it succeeds in making me feel uncomfortable and anxious for as long as she holds out, which can be hours or even days.

puresage wrote:
The NPD BF would get angry, threaten to leave the relationship,

Seen this with OCPD too. Only just the other week I was threatened with divorce. I've lost count how many times, over the last ten years, that I've had threats of her leaving if I don't reform to her expectations. It will no doubt happen again before the year is out. Except this time I will probably walk away.

puresage wrote:
With OCPD's, they have a high sense of responsibility, and can be financially responsible, they can help you around the house (and be clean freaks!), and some of them have a high sense of morality and are fairly loyal.

They can yes. In fact to the outsider they can be the epitomy of a model citizen. Unfortunately within the inner circle they are nothing like it.

Starryne wrote:
For me the most difficult thing is the joylessness of life with an OCPD partner. It's like this soul-less, joyless existence punctuated with tension. Like others have said, an OCPDer can be like a happiness toxin-it feels like being poisoned. The term "wet blanket" seems apt-a thing that is supposed to be comforting but is wet, cold, heavy and hindering.

Couldn't agree more.

Starryne wrote:
I feel bad for OCPDers...I think my OCPD so wanted to experience happiness but never truly could.

Same here. My DW wants nothing more that to feel happy with life. Unfortunately I don't think she ever will. Her demands from the world are just not acheivable and even if they were, there would still be something else to worry about.

Starryne wrote:
At least us spouses have an escape!

This is the sad truth really. The OCPD person doesn't have a choice, they are trapped in their world of misery. We have the choice to leave that world. This is one of the things I struggle to get my head around - if I walk away I would be abandoning someone who has a 'disability' and needs help. It's not their fault they are the way they are, but unfortunately that offers no solace to the suffering SO.


Last edited by ThinIce on Tue Jul 08, 2014 4:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2014 1:02 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 20, 2009 9:56 pm
Posts: 2623
ThinIce wrote:
This is one of the things I struggle to get my head around - if I walk away I would be abandoning someone who has a 'disability' and needs help. It's not their fault they are the way they are, but unfortunately that offers no solace to the suffering SO.


But with most disabilities, the disabled person would work with you and cooperate with you and help you to deal with their disability in a way that allows you, too, to have a life. It's unfair that this disability, by definition, doesn't allow that, but all the same, it doesn't allow that. So it's fundamentally different. It's not really like, say, helping a blind partner through life--it's more like a partner who needs a heart-lung transplant, and the only set available is yours.

Except that analogy doesn't work, because in that analogy your heart and lungs would at least help them, after their removal has destroyed you. In this case, destroying your life and happiness won't give them happiness. In fact, it decreases their odds of happiness. Her ability to control you is probably enabling her disorder, making her more able to tolerate it and therefore more able to avoid working on it. I'm not saying that if you leave her she would promptly run to a therapist and start having some success in working on the disorder, but I would guess that the odds are a bit higher.

So it's not a matter of you staying and giving her a happy life. It's a matter of you staying and that dulling her constant pain *just* enough that she ensures that she will never have a happy life.


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2014 1:18 pm 
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Joined: Fri May 16, 2014 1:59 pm
Posts: 115
[quote="puresage"][quote="justme"]
JustMe: I was with a narcissist for 4 years, and my mom was one too, so I really know how lack of empathy feels, and how subtly disordered people operate, the subtle lies, the denial of truth and your reality, the blame shifting and gaslighting, the endless crying and sadness... their inability to watch you being sad without attacking you even more... so the weaker you are, the more you should expect to be attacked, put down and ridiculed. I'm so shocked to be learning that the OCPD is so similar to that. But I'm tired of both!!!
quote]

Though it probably doesn't feel like it now there is a good note: That you came out of a relationship with an NPD and learned some valuable lessons.
Bad news . . if you're anything like me you are wondering what the heck you were thinking when you found yourself mixed up with another PD'erd and kicking yourself for it. I guess we are the proverbial moth to a flame . .that in itself lands me back in my therapists office for `check up from the neck up'

Had I not learned the lessons from my ex NPD I have no doubt I would have stayed longer with the recent OCPD ex and I would have wondered why I was so crazy, defective and otherwise. Not to say he didn't rattle me. His actions definitely triggered me and took my back to my past with my exH. But I am proud of myself that I acted on it swiftly and without too much wreckage to clean up after.

You need to give yourself much do credit. You knew something was wrong previously and there is some honor in wanting to believe the best in someone.

It is disheartening when you have to accept that they will just never ever `get it'. Honestly. . it seems so simple to non's. . Just being `nice' is an impossible concept. Hard to wrap your head around. I get it.


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2014 3:40 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 01, 2014 8:33 am
Posts: 320
favasquash wrote:
So it's not a matter of you staying and giving her a happy life. It's a matter of you staying and that dulling her constant pain *just* enough that she ensures that she will never have a happy life.

I hear you favasquash. It's an unfortunate truth. I guess it just doesn't feel right turning my back on someone I have loved for a good ten years, and promised 'to have and to hold..in sickness and in health'. That said, she wouldn't stick to her vows if it stopped suiting her...

It's thinking with our hearts that gets us in to all this trouble...I need to think with my head!


Last edited by ThinIce on Tue Jul 08, 2014 4:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2014 3:54 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2013 5:14 pm
Posts: 350
For me it was the secrecy and walls she held against disclosure of the kind of information that leads to a genuine partnership. Of course, the rapid change from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde was awful as well.


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Wed May 28, 2014 1:12 am 
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Joined: Sat Feb 15, 2014 10:12 pm
Posts: 195
JustMe: Thanks for your comments and your support!
Yes, I totally agree with you on the fact that being with a NPD BF helped me see things clearly and identify disordered people quickly.
I basically figured out my BF's OCPD behavior within the first 2 months... Then, I started negotiating and setting boundaries... but now, I'm at a point where I know nothing can be done, and I'm pretty much done with him. I can't deal with this any longer.
I know that disordered person's behavior only gets worse. I'm also appalled with the fact that he doesn't remember any lies he told me and then after a few months told me something else, and denied the other statements.

You're right, there is no concept of being "nice" in their world. My OCPDer is angry probably between 80-100% of the time depending on a day. He's always rough, barking orders, he feels like a military sergeant... he couldn't even ask anything in a nice tone of voice. That's how he talks to his 3 kids too (16, 21, 22 years of age). They got used to it... I did too in a way... maybe I just gave up.
A friend of mine (ex BF) emailed me to wish me a happy birthday last month, and he was very nice and inquired about my life... and I started crying because I forgot how it feels to be genuinely cared for, to be touched, to be spoken nicely to...

OCPDer's excuse for "barking" all the time and not being nice is: "I am who I am, there is nothing wrong with me. I will never do or say things that people want me to say or do for them. The difference between me and other people is that others are pretending to be nice, and I'm just being normal and being myself! If you want to be with liars and pretenders, go ahead, but DON'T try to change me!"


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Thu May 29, 2014 11:13 am 
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Joined: Wed May 28, 2014 4:35 pm
Posts: 60
I agree with you, the hardest part for me dealing with my OCPD bf is the denial or culpability in ANYTHING and the lack of empathy at times. In the last 6 months I have really made him open his eyes to certain behaviors (his words) so we have made a lot of progress as a couple and he has apologized sincerely twice. The other times he'd say: "Hurry up and tell me what I did wrong so I can apologize and we can move on" - so basically a non apology - apology. Or the famous, "sorry you FEEL that I was being unkind/rude and that your feelings were hurt by a joke"

Double standard is the name of the game with an OCPD'r . If I were you I'd get some good therapy, I'm big into self help and I KNOW that it has helped me keep my self esteem in tact although sometimes I get hurt by his callousness. I build myself up everyday, I know it sounds corny, i thought so too but it really does help.


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Thu May 29, 2014 11:45 am 
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Joined: Wed May 28, 2014 4:35 pm
Posts: 60
wwurst wrote:
For me the most difficult thing is not really what my ocpd partner does but the impact that it has on me. Mine has the amazing ability to sniff out any moment when I am feeling truly free and relaxed - and squash it.
Same here :( Also, if I badger him into taking me somewhere that was not pre-planned, pre-approved or researched by him FIRST but will make me SUPER HAPPY (ex: unplanned movie outing, my friend's bbq) he will lollygag, leave me waiting sometimes upwards of an hour dressed sitting on the couch while he "finishes" getting ready, make me late (sometimes by 2 hours), drive like a maniac the whole way and/or has a miserable look on his face the entire time. <Sigh> So I have been doing things without him which he gets testy about as it hurts his feelings that I imply he's doing the above on purpose, not to mention that I get a very concerned lecture because I may have a beer or drink at said event and drive drunk (which I never have), get a DUI and ruin both our lives!!! So he basically rains on my fun event with hiswet blanket -worst case scenarios while implying that I'm an irresponsible drunk (i assure you I am not!) - all because I want to go to an event without him because I actually want to have a good time :roll:


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Sat May 31, 2014 12:09 pm 
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Joined: Fri May 16, 2014 1:59 pm
Posts: 115
the most difficult part for me was not being able to navigate the outbursts. The things that bothered him were so insignificant that for someone who doesn't know what's coming down the pipe it was impossible to prepare yourself for the outburst.
At least with my ex H who was NPD I could navigate his moods and could sense the tension building so I knew when to duck and cover. With the OCPD ex I never could see it coming. One moment things were perfectly fine and then the next it was as if he was possessed.
I realized I needed to leave when I caught myself walking on eggshells and censoring myself too much.
Been there done that. . .


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Sat May 31, 2014 2:52 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 01, 2014 8:33 am
Posts: 320
justme wrote:
I never could see it coming. One moment things were perfectly fine and then the next it was as if he was possessed.

So true. DW keeps me on my toes - a 'normal', civil, even enjoyable weekend can suddenly turn into a major drama at the drop of a hat, without warning or even a reasonable cause. Weekend ruined, possibly rest of week. The thick tense emotional fog that decends out of nowhere can linger for days. Even weeks.

justme wrote:
walking on eggshells and censoring myself too much.
Been there done that. . .

Same here. In fact I rarely make 'intelligent' converation anymore because there's bound to be a trigger word or topic in there somewhere that'll set things off...


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Sat May 31, 2014 4:30 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 27, 2014 10:01 am
Posts: 31
Lack of empathy- sometimes it's too much. I need my 8h sleep each night, BF can survive on 5 or 6. He'll argue that no-one really needs a full 8h, no matter what articles/ papers I show him. Quite often he'll clatter around loudly: up at 5am, using his electric razor about 15 feet away from me at 6am, and just generally bouncing around, being very wide awake.
On the few occasions I've complained ("I really could have used an extra hour", after 3 consecutive days of being woken ridiculously early), he'll tell me I'm being very aggressive and unreasonable. I don't think I was being at all aggressive- although I'll admit by that point I was probably using a bit of 'tone'. But it's me who's always made out to be the unreasonable one!


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Sun Jun 01, 2014 5:37 pm 
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Joined: Sun Oct 23, 2011 6:30 pm
Posts: 88
Location: California
Most of the above, and projection. I'm always being asked why I'm so miserable. I'm not. I've learned say to say and what not to say to keep a semi peaceful enviornment. I'm much smarter at battle picking these days. Also, the fact that I have to answer any questions fully and completely in the proper phrases so that my DH can absorb the answer, but I'm causing issues if I ask question and require an answer. Yesterday I used the wrong pronoun and term to describe something. This is why I received a partial truth answer, or the truth according to OCPD


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Sun Jun 01, 2014 7:05 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 01, 2014 8:33 am
Posts: 320
Tanner wrote:
Yesterday I used the wrong pronoun and term to describe something

On the rare occasions that I get to speak, I often get criticised for incorrect language. It's extremely annoying when you are trying to say something important and DW interrupts to point out that I misused or mispronounced a word. She's more interested in picking holes in my vocabulary than actually listening to what I'm saying. If I were to interrupt her when she's talking....heaven forbid - on that note, I HAVE to make eye contact with her when she's speaking otherwise she get's highly irritated and accuses me of not listening.


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 Post subject: Re: What's the Most difficult thing to about ocpd partner
PostPosted: Sun Jun 01, 2014 8:16 pm 
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Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2014 7:16 pm
Posts: 2683
I love the attempts at explaining my view on something and then have dh think that what I am saying is bordering on crazy. So yeah, that ropic is off limits.


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