Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCPD?
PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 12:01 am 
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Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2013 9:39 am
Posts: 115
Just wondering.... Is there a common PD that is more likely to be attracted to a partner with OCPD? And then stay for many years?
Do you think that people who have been raised in a family with an OCPD parent are more likely to go into a relationship with one? Either because that may be their concept of normal, or because they are trying to p,system out unresolved childhood issues to finally feel accepted?


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 12:10 am 
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Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2013 9:39 am
Posts: 115
Arrrg..... Spell correct....that was meant to be play out unresolved childhood issues


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 12:17 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 04, 2013 10:29 pm
Posts: 5
I suspect one parent has some OCPD qualities but I really didn't even realize this until recently. But I certainly don't think I selected my current partner because of any similairies between the two. If anything, I would NOT be inclined to go there because of past experience. When my OCPD partner and I first met, his behaviors weren't really exhibited, it was just a gradual "showing". It was only as the years went by that I could see him getting very extreme.


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 3:42 am 
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Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2013 9:39 am
Posts: 115
I've only just realised myself....that my partner, my father and grandfather all had/have strong OCDP traits. Possibly the reason my relationship with my SO has lasted... My grandmother and mother never divorced...so I've grown up with the sort of behaviour as being normal ( even though I've never been comfortable with it). Understanding the condition helps me make peace with it somewhat.
I don't think I have any glaring PD...but wondering if there are any patterns in these relationships. Co dependency seems to come up a bit


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 10:55 am 
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Joined: Tue Sep 18, 2012 1:22 pm
Posts: 45
Some people just hold on to that little hope that things may get better.


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 11:38 am 
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Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2013 5:53 am
Posts: 238
lorijo17 wrote:
Some people just hold on to that little hope that things may get better.


This is me.... I kept hoping but now I know if I stay, the rest of my life will be like this. No thanks.

BTW, my husband did not show OCPD traits until I moved in with him... AFTER I let my apartment go.... ugh.

One more thing to add... I believe my brother has OCPD and some Aspergers... I did NOT grow up with him because he is much older and was out of the house. We were never really that close and haven't been in recent years because I can't stand being with him more than 1/2 hour. My mom lives with him and suffers health issues because of the way he treats her.


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 1:54 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2009 4:12 pm
Posts: 56
lorijo17 wrote:
Some people just hold on to that little hope that things may get better.


This is me as well, plus some hangups like:

Worrying about what people will think because this would be my second divorce.

The divorce process, selling the house, finding a house, his reaction...

As for why I was attracted to DH, he was the polar opposite of my first husband, responsible, caring, mature etc. I just overlooked the red flags. They were there....


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 2:31 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2013 5:53 am
Posts: 238
ICravePeace wrote:
lorijo17 wrote:
Some people just hold on to that little hope that things may get better.


This is me as well, plus some hangups like:

Worrying about what people will think because this would be my second divorce.

The divorce process, selling the house, finding a house, his reaction...

As for why I was attracted to DH, he was the polar opposite of my first husband, responsible, caring, mature etc. I just overlooked the red flags. They were there....


WOW! I could have written this EXACT post. Scary.


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 8:18 pm 
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Joined: Wed Oct 31, 2012 9:09 am
Posts: 1083
I don't think better is what I am looking for at this point..stable is more the word.


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 9:50 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2010 9:38 pm
Posts: 1978
When I was reading about cognitive distortions, I also came across info on cognitive biases that people demonstrate in decision-making (across the general population) and this question made me think of them. These two seem to be possible factors in why a person might stay in a situation hoping it gets better:

"Loss aversion: refers to people's tendency to strongly prefer avoiding losses to acquiring gains. Some studies suggest that losses are twice as powerful, psychologically, as gains."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loss_aversion

"Status quo bias is a cognitive bias; an irrational preference for the current state of affairs. The current baseline (or status quo) is taken as a reference point, and any change from that baseline is perceived as a loss. Status quo bias should be distinguished from a rational preference for the status quo ante, as when the current state of affairs is objectively superior to the available alternatives, or when imperfect information is a significant problem. A large body of evidence, however, shows that an irrational preference for the status quo--a status quo bias--frequently affects human decision-making."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Status_quo_bias

There are tons more here. I found them really intriguing to read about:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cognitive_biases

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People do not change when they see the light. They change when they feel the heat.  ― Freda Lewis-Hall


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Wed Mar 06, 2013 1:52 am 
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Joined: Wed Apr 07, 2010 12:17 pm
Posts: 1935
Location: SoCal - 5 yrs moved out/4 1/2 yrs broken up w/6 year live-in with OCPD b-f.
My father was (I believe) NPD. So OCPd, focused on ME, helping/taking care of ME, was very attractive (though of course I didn't see "the dark side" till later). On my mother's side, I now believe her mother was OCPD, so Mom was a perfect model of trying to be perfect/please another person.

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And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. – Anaïs Nin
Follow the latest Scoop: http://www.scoop.it/t/iso-mental-health-wellness
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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Wed Mar 06, 2013 1:36 pm 
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Joined: Wed Mar 21, 2012 6:58 pm
Posts: 110
LovethatOCPDMan wrote:
My father was (I believe) NPD. So OCPd, focused on ME, helping/taking care of ME, was very attractive (though of course I didn't see "the dark side" till later). On my mother's side, I now believe her mother was OCPD, so Mom was a perfect model of trying to be perfect/please another person.


Oh, this sounds familiar. My mom has some NPD traits and behaviors, also some OCPD, but I'm not convinced it was the whole package. Also strongly suspect her father of OCPD, based on stories she's told about how controlling he was until she was in her 50's and realized it, and stopped letting it get to her. My enabling dad also had a father who was very irrationally rigid in his ways, and treated my dad's mother like crap in the end (who drops of their kids by their second wife, who's younger than his kids by his first marriage, at his first wife's house for her to babysit them? And, who, in that situation, would take them in and actually take care of them day after day?). Anyhow, having someone obsess about me and my needs was very appealing, until the obsession became about my supposed problems (about 10% of which was based on reality, 90% of which was exaggerated to the extreme).

And to Francie, those cognitive biases ring SO true...thanks for the research.


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Wed Mar 06, 2013 1:58 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 22, 2011 1:37 pm
Posts: 675
My mom has anxiety issues but tends to face her fears in the end. Father was a very relaxed loving parent.He was laid back. They complemented each other. I am just gullible and daft as a brush. Thinking about it I am more like my dad but with moms brains.

I would guess most OCPDers are the opposite of what we see at the start of the relationship , most of us would run a mile if we knew what what we know now.
There would be no partners of SO's on here only friends and relatives.

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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Wed Mar 06, 2013 2:35 pm 
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Joined: Fri Dec 28, 2012 5:35 pm
Posts: 170
I was only "with" an OCPDer a very short time...as a couple it only lasted a few months because he quickly decided that he didn't see us together as a couple "forever"....I never asked for any type of commitment and only wanted to enjoy each other as log as it lasted....he was very good at not letting it slip out of the "just friends" category, even though he wanted me there every weekend, sleeping over and called and texted me everyday. I think I was just so confused and trying to figure the whole mess out that I wound up sticking around for a whole year. I don't even remember having much fun at all and of course was getting nothing that I would have wanted out of a relationship but still I stayed and tried and tried and finally my self esteem got so low I was sort of stuck...It was awful and I can't explain any of it. Thank God he was the one who decided it wasn't going to work pretty quickly. Then the obsession of figuring it all out led me to this forum and it was the best thing for me and once I could see the patterns I was less and less tolerant and finally just broke off contact. I still come in here and still feel very badly for him but I am getting better and have started therapy and attending Co-dependency meetings each week so I guess it was meant to be.


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Wed Mar 06, 2013 5:46 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2013 5:53 am
Posts: 238
I also know that I went with my current OCPDH is because he was TOTALLY opposite of my first husband... extremes are not a good thing.. especially in the choices I have made. My pendulum swung.


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