I've been thinking about the unwritten RULES that my OCPD mom considers ABSOLUTE TRUTH. I wrote them out mostly, so I could see how bizarre and ridiculous they are. Below is what I came up with.
Thou SHALT NOT change anything in the house!
Absolutely NOTHING can be moved without OCPD mom's say-so. This is cause for comments and recriminations i.e. "How dare you dust and rearrange the Lladros on the self without express permission by me!"
Has that pillow been moved? Why is the couch throw different? OH MY GOD!!!! SOME HORRIBLE PERSON HAD THE AUDACITY TO READ THE NEWSPAPER!….now it is ruined and the world has exploded….
Thou SHALT NOT do anything different than I do it in MY HOUSE! (OR your own house either if she is there.)
Blinds only go down at night….at 5pm every night…in the winter, so "people" cannot look in….7pm in summer. Apparently I am not allowed to pull the blinds down on the back of my house if it is daylight and the sun is blaring in and heating up my entire house.…the rule is STILL in effect.
You can only paint your house interior white or an OCPD-er approved color. Choosing a color NOT approved by OCPD-er means that it will be commented on in the negative for a minimum of 6 months.
You cannot have any appliances that are better or newer than the OCPD-ers appliances. This causes the OCPD-er to go out and buy the same thing or a more expensive item. OR if if she feels it is a frivolous item…like a blender…then you have "wasted your money on something you will never use." This comment means she never uses her blender therefore blenders are not useful to everyone.. Therefore she cannot imagine why anyone would deliberately purchase a blender…or a waffle iron…or a rice cooker.
Your house should not have more square footage than hers…this is cause for alarm. A bigger house means better than hers. For people she admires a larger house than hers is ooh-ed and Ahh-ed over. Someone she considers inferior to her…it is an injustice of the most disturbing kind.
Thou SHALT NOT leave any dirty dishes in the sink…EVER for ANY REASON!
One dish with one crumb will cause a major infestation of Cockroaches overnight…..
The sink MUST BE SCOURED EVERY NIGHT with COMET or the world will implode: AND cockroaches will come take over the house. (You might even get maggots too.)
The dishes must be placed in the dish washer to the specific clairvoyant instructions of the OCPD-er. Failure to do so means criticism and laborious instruction on how to do it right.
Thou SHALT NOT leave anything out anywhere EVER for any reason even if you plan to use said object in the next 30 minutes. Leaving an unsuspecting item out anywhere invokes the question of "Are THESE YOURS!?" or "Are THESE important to YOU?" or the demand "MOVE these SOMEWHERE ELSE!" which translates to: "Out of my sight, where they will not provoke my anxiety and discord."
Thou SHALT NOT do laundry without prior approval from the OCPD-er.
The OCPD-er must view how much laundry is being put into the wash basin and approve the load size or the world will blow up….along with the washing machine., because you are going to do it wrong.
YOU MUST NEVER! EVER! MAKE A SOCK BALL! AT ALL COSTS! SOCK BALLS ARE THE DEVIL'S INVENTION DESIGNED TO RUIN AND RID THE WORLD OF PERFECTLY GOOD SOCKS! (If everyone makes sock balls, all the socks in the world will be DESTROYED and we will NEVER be able to replace the lost socks and keep up with sock demand.) The socks are, of course, ruined because it stretches out the elastic.
Bras MUST be put in a lingerie bag for washing; if not the bra will be ruined. Wearing a RUINED BRA results in SAGGY BOOBS. . This is partially true. A ruined bra can be ill-fitting which could lead to this dilemma.
YOU NEVER, EVER, DRY A BRA in the dryer….this is a cataclysmic event. However, line drying these items is problematic, because they then clutter up the laundry room and make it look disorderly...
Thou SHALL OVER-COOK PORK AND FISH to the point of dry and tastelessness in order to not be rendered sick. Pork and fish are VERY, VERY dangerous items to cook. Hell, if the pork chops are not charred black and tough as shoe leather, you will die of food poisoning.
There must be ABSOLUTE SILENCE when opening a can or jar…to make sure that it "hisses" or "pops." If the sound is not audible and you eat that food, YOU WILL DIE!
Canning is a dangerous prospect…as no one can possibly do it right and you are tempting fate and death. Unless EF(enabling father) does the canning then it is okay, because she has watched his process. If other people give you home canned goods they are to be politely discarded.
You are deficient in tastebuds if you dislike grapefruit or beets in vinegar.
EVERYTHING in the fridge, cupboard and pantry has a SPECIFIC place…If something is not back in the "right" spot, wars will break out and there will be a rip in the space-time continuum.
Thou SHALT NEVER try anything new without being 100% sure that you are able to perform the task PERFECTLY. (This includes sports and hobbies.)
There is NO LEARNING CURVE. PERFECTION OR PERFECTION at all tasks.
DOWNHILL Skiing is a dangerous sport since you go fast; Cross-country is better since it is flat and you can control your speed. (Although she has never done either)
Snowboarding is for people who smoke pot and are a drain on society. (I and my family all snowboard…none of us actually smokes pot or is a drain on society, but we snowboard, therefore we must be potheads…even the 4th grader..)
People who RUN for exercise are CRAZY. Who would deliberately RUN!? (Apparently in OCPD-er's mind, I and my family are insane….)
According to OCPD-er, anything you do, she can do better or has already done better. If OCPD-er has NOT done that sport or hobby it is STUPID and NOT WORTH her notice. It will be put down.
OCPD-er cannot comprehend why everyone on the planet does not share her same hobbies with the same degree of enthusiasm….see gardening. I am a failure as a person with a yard, since I do not garden extensively like she and EF do. (My yard is low maintenance and is mowed weekly, but no, we do not have trellises, a flower garden and a vegetable garden etc…I'm just not THAT into gardening. This is an unforgivable offense.)
Thou SHALL UNPLUG your cell phone and turn it off as to not run the battery down. I am ruining my iPhone by actually using it.
OCPD-er is not to be called on her cell UNLESS it is an emergency. She decides what constitutes an emergency. You can NEVER get her on her cell since it is always off, but she wonders why she never gets any calls?
Thou SHALL research EVERYTHING you want to buy for 6 months to 6 years to make sure you are getting the proper item for the best possible price.
It is un-thinkable to buy something on the spur of the moment…if it costs more than $25 and you had not previously considered buying the item that particular day.
Returning something to a store is a crime against the universe and the store in question, because OBVIOUSLY you made a terrible, terrible mistake buying the wrong cushions for the new couch. You should repent and participate in self -flagelation; if you find someone to FLOG you...all the better.
Thou SHALL know clairvoyantly which route the OCPD-er wants you to drive. If you drive a different route you will be berated and questioned extensively.
Do not turn your vehicle in a manner that the OCPD-er finds objectionable….you must know that TURNING to the left is a horrible, horrible, horrible thing to do. Especially if it is into your own driveway, in your own vehicle.
Thou SHALT let OCPD-er treat your kids in any manner she sees fit. Whether it is fair or unfair, whether she let you do that as a child or not.
Gifts to the grandkids…even if it is a common Igneous rock are to be treated as if they have received the crown jewels from OCPD grandma.
Asking what the grandkids want for their birthdays or Christmas is simply a formality. OCPD mom will buy a cheap knock-off or some random item that is of no actual interest to the kids and breaks with in 24 hours.
Gifts to Son-in-law are well-thought-out and carefully planned.. Giving him gift cards to places he likes, or tools he said he'd like.
Gifts to daughter are presents that OCPD mom would like for herself. (The last Christmas present I received was a sweater that OCPD mom said she tried on and wanted and looked great on her….she said "I thought if it did not fit you, you could send it back to me…" Well, it did not fit me as we are not the same size, and the style did not flatter. I did send it back…she never said a word about it being returned or sent another item. I actually think this is N (Narcissistic) behavior, as opposed to OCPD.
Thou SHALL NOT look better or be younger than OCPD-er, even if you are her daughter.
Daughter's birthday SUCKS since it reminds OCPD/N mother that she is over 70 years old. Daughter's birthday is a personal affront.
Being younger and physically fit is annoying to OCPD mom.
Women over 40 should cut their hair short. You are trying to "look too youthful" if your hair is longer than your earlobes. If you have long hair you are trying to be sexy…even if you are under 10 years-old.
You will become a woman of loose character and questionable morals if you do not wear a slip to church. Wearing pants to church is a serious No-no.
Heels over 3 inches mean you are a pushing the limits of acceptable foot ware; people will think you are a trollop. If you have a 4 inch heel you are bucking to be a porn star.
Red lipstick also means you are a SLUT. Colored eyeshadow too.
Having breasts is a problem…they must be covered up by a sweater or something loose enough to make sure no one really knows you have them at all. (I fail everyday at this rule since I have more rack than I need…this is another personal affront to OCPD mom.)
Thou SHALT NOT LIKE YOUR SPOUSE…since she does not like hers.
Do NOT marry anyone who makes more money than your father or who is in better shape…never-mind the fact that your EF has not gotten off his duff for the last 35 years….you are offending her personally by having a fit husband who earns a good living.
God forbid should you give a peck to your spouse or hold hands…this is inappropriate behavior for public…you are being "SEXUAL" where people can SEE you!
Thou SHALT NOT GO ON VACATION! unless it is somewhere she wants to go and has already done that thing before or is going with you…then it is ok.
Spending your money on a vacation will leave you destitued if you have an emergency.
Personal favorite: Thou SHALT CONTROL your bodily functions at ALL TIMES!
You are not allowed to burp or fart….except in the bathroom…this is considered a MAJOR infraction to have an uncontrolled release of bodily gases of any sort.
I'm sure that there are more, but that is what I can think of for now…please feel free to add your OCPD-ers Crazy rules to this list….I am learning so much from this forum…it is actually a relief to know that I am not alone in experiencing the crazy rules and behaviors. Try not to take my sarcastic humor too seriously either…it is how I deal with the OCPD crazy train.
FOO--Family of origin
Flying Monkey-- A person who is sent out by the OCPD-er to guilt, harass and hoover you by proxy for the OCPD-er's benefit.