Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Thu May 04, 2017 10:36 am 
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Posts: 6
​I am recently engaged to my partner of 3 years and we just moved in to our new home together. He struggles with both OCPD and PTSD, and I am struggling to cope with him. I do not want to point the finger at him for our relationship woes because I am by no means perfect but at least I can forgive myself for not being perfect, whereas imperfections and forgiveness are not exactly his fortier.

Sometimes I have difficulties distinguishing between his support for me in fulfilling my potential, and his attempts at shaping me into his idealistic woman, partner, and wife. Traits that were once inherent to me such as spontaneity, quirkiness, creativity, silliness, and independence he interprets as being irresponsible, impulsive, impractical, annoying and selfish. He has always held me accountable for my mistakes which is something that I initially respected him for. He is not one to let me get away with bullshit; my bills are paid on time and my student debts are paid off, I no longer smoke cigarettes or get wobbly drunk, I have a nice car that gets regularly serviced and that I don't drive on empty. I've always had bad little habits that he has helped (err...shamed) me into changing about myself. But as our relationship progressed so did his list of my intolerable habits of which he never misses an opportunity to point out and criticize.

It get so exhausted treading around his expectations and his level of comfort. Sometimes it does not matter what I do, he will always find fault. I can clean the house spotless, get all dolled up, and have a nice dinner ready for him when he comes home and it's always:
"when was the last time that bathroom floor was cleaned?"
"why didn't you take the casing off of the sausage?"
"if you didn't touch your face so much then you wouldn't get pimples"
"I thought you said dinner was going to be ready at 7:30"
"why can't we ever eat earlier like normal people?"
"you never wear lingerie for me"
"I don't understand why you can never seem to close drawers"


I have never been a confrontational person, I have always been easy going and have adapted easily to the comfort level of others. I avoid conflict and rarely take things personally, whereas he is always in conflict with people - whether it's his coworkers, his parents, his boss, his dentist, his massage therapist, or me. We have had countless arguments over me not answering the phone when he calls or forgetting something that he has told me... which makes me "unreliable, undependable, and don't give a shit about anything but myself." He has caught me in lies before because sometimes I choose to risk manage rather than come clean and subject myself to his moral superiority and lectures. But all he understands is that I lied to him and now he has severe trust issues with me.

Other times, when I think things are going well he will just do a 360. I can always see it in his face too, I know his mind has been active all day (or all night) with negative thoughts and he is going to take it out on me in a matter of moments. He can't trust me, I give him so much attitude, I don't appreciate anything that he does for me, I don't realize how lucky I am, if I want to go out there and find myself a deadbeat loser who doesn't care about z,y,z then go ahead! It can be 1am on a worknight and he will be up on his high horse literally repeating himself over and over again. I feel so defeated sometimes because it does not matter what I say... he will not hear it....and the issue will lay dormant for a short amount of time until his idle mind stews it up and he just beats the same dead horse over and over and over again. Sometimes I truly feel like I'm going crazy, he always seems to have me all figured out and why I do the things I do... and I start to believe him. I struggle to find my words and explain myself to him or defend myself to him, and I stutter like an idiot. He is so well spoken, so persuasive and so analytical that I end up complying/submitting.

The most frustrating part of all for me is that he is seeking help for his problems from a psychologist, and he has been since I met him. His previous relationships have all flopped, and due to the nature of his job (police officer) he is often exposed to a lot of stress and trauma, but I don't know wtf this doctor is getting paid for or wtf kind of treatment he is getting because there has been no improvement! I still get in shit for hanging my coat on the hanger wrong, or getting pine needles on his car floor mats, or throwing balled up sheets into the washing machine instead of shaking them out, or not straightening the hand towel after I hang it up, or not remembering that it's Star Trek that he likes, not Star Wars. His psychiatrist once told my partner that he (the psychiatrist) was impressed with how self-aware and introspective my partner is... orrrrr maybe he's just taking control of the sessions and hates the idea that someone else would tell him about himself and the implications of his actions.

I didn't mean to turn this into a venting session. I love this man so much, and when things are good, they are really really good. But what hope is there out there for him? Not just for my sake, but for his sake too.... I want him to see beyond the black and the white, and expand his perspective and explore a bit beyond his comfort level. I want him to have fun in life and not be bound to rituals of cleanliness and standards of conduct. What can I do as his partner to encourage him to let loose? What treatment options can we try together and/or separately?

Sigh...so tired.


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 Post subject: Re: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Thu May 04, 2017 4:56 pm 
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Posts: 619
When people are dating, they are putting on "their best selves". They are trying to appeal to a potential mate.
Then when they get married, they relax that effort a bit.

What I am saying, is this is the best he will ever get. He will only get worse.
Imagine if you had a child with him and you heard:

"when was the last time that bedroom floor was cleaned?"
"why didn't you take the casing off of the sausage?"
"if you didn't touch your face so much then you wouldn't get pimples"
"I thought you said homework was going to be done by 7:30"
"why do you have to yell so much?"
"I don't understand why you can never seem to close drawers"
"Why can't the baby nap at the same time everyday?"

Because that is what will happen. He will want to control those kids like he is controlling you.
Then you will spend your time being a buffer between the two.
He won't be able to engage in family life as well because he can't control it.

I would suggest reading the stories on this board:
Here is an example: rt-lift-off-rikkitikki-s-chronicle-t5072.html

You will see that the OCPD gets worse and worse.

I highly suggest that you reconsider getting married...or at least talk to him about what you need from him and see if he can change.

His job is such that there are rules and that he gets to tell people what to do. But that is no way to live as a wife.

To an OCPDer, everything is at the highest priority. They can't say "What's a drawer out when I have this lovely dinner made for me!" instead it is The floor isn't clean so mice will come in and then you will get hantavirus and die. The drawers aren't closed so I will knock into them, fall down, get a concussion, and die.


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 Post subject: Re: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Thu May 04, 2017 9:58 pm 
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Posts: 579
It is exhausting...in my case having a child made things more difficult. More things to do, more pressure - I wore down. When my son got a bit older it got a little better in some ways and then worse in others. My ex started applying his criticism to his child and I went through life trying to prevent bad things from happening and playing referee. But there was always something to set my ex off - def. exhausting.


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 Post subject: Re: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Fri May 05, 2017 3:26 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 12:58 pm
Posts: 62
Hi AnnieBanannie,

Welcome to the Forum! This is a great place to give and get support! :)

Oh my goodness girl!!! Your story sounds like mine. So eerily so that I feel like I am looking in a mirror, suppose to see you, but I see me. If we took your story and mine together, it would be 100% mine, except that you are young and unmarried and I am older and married for 27.



The absolute best advice I can give you is read other's stories. My entire thread is New to Forum. Left H 3 mos ago. Need Support. Please read it. You will get a glimpse of how my life with him unfolded. My personality is a lot like you: easy going, mold myself to make others happy, hate conflict, etc. RIKKI TIKKIS is also very, very similar to mine. Feel free to post any questions you have or personal message me if you wish.
Most OCPD significant others are probably going to advise you to leave the relationship and definitely not marry him. The best he will ever be is now. He will only get worse. Your suffering will continue to worsen to the point that you will completely wear out. Your kids will suffer as well. You can try to confront him and see if he will seek help to change, but that very rarely works. They are wired differently.

My heart so aches for you to have a happy life. You deserve it and you deserve to be YOU. If for no other reason, if you plan to have children, don't have them with him.

I know you don't want to hear what I just said because your relationship is relatively new and you are young, strong, and full of resolve, but that will wear thin slowly til there is none left.

Best of luck with your future. Keep us posted.

:)


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 Post subject: Re: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Sat May 06, 2017 10:56 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 417
Hi AB and Welcome,

I wanted to include an article that I continue to refer to and have found helpful.

https://www.ocdonline.com/the-right-stuff

You can also read my story under OCPD convo with H. I documented the last 2 years from counseling - individual and couples to boundaries. Things had increased with my H when he turned 40 which was 5 years ago. This was not my first marriage and I wanted to do everything I could to save it. We had been together 17 years and married for 7.

From what you are saying here, it sounds like your fiancee is farther along the spectrum. That type commentary you describe is rude and disrespectful....and you are not even married yet. I would not consider those things to be something you say to someone you love. Would you say that to him? How would he respond? Something to consider. Hugs to you.

In the end, I left because I was tired. So tired. My body was telling me this situation was not healthy. I was becoming a person that I did not like. There were several times I got so fed up that I started screaming at him. I did not want to become this, live like this, and grow old like this.

Continue to read and post here. You will find the next steps and your path will appear. It did for me and for others.

Dragonfly21


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 Post subject: Re: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2017 4:55 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 03, 2017 8:46 pm
Posts: 6
Wow, well hello everybody. Thank you all very much for taking the time to respond to my post.

Something that really resonated with me "To an OCPDer, everything is at the highest priority...." this is BEYOND the truth. There is always a sense of urgency attached to everything he does, and then no matter what, I get dragged into whatever task it is that he MUST get done aka he uses me as his gopher but sees it as teamwork.

And to answer your questions, Dragonfly21, no, I would never say any of those things to anyone, let alone to someone that I love. Our perspectives on everything seem to exist on different planes.... he can be so disrespectful sometimes, but he does not see it that way, instead he feels that his feedback/opinions are designed to help me.

You are absolutely right, Movingon, they are wired differently. Sometimes I am just literally in complete disbelief over the triviality of our conflicts but to him, everything exists within such a deeper context. Like Bopper said, "the drawers aren't closed so I will knock into them, fall down, get a concussion, and die" but under his rationale it is something like "the drawers aren't closed, I have told you numerous times before to close drawers, you don't ever listen to me or take me seriously, you don't give a shit about anything but yourself, the burden always falls on me to do everything, how am I ever supposed to rely on you when we start having kids? it's all going to fall on my shoulders." Meanwhile, I don't even remember which drawer it is that I left open.

Sometimes before I leave the house, I will double check to make sure that I have closed all the f*cking drawers. I think about if my mother knew about some of the ways in which I cater to him, she would be heartbroken to see how eroded my sense of self has become. Despite how convinced he is that I am selfish, I literally consider his reaction in all of my decision-making... but more in the sense of "will this upset him? will I get a lecture/snide comment?"

I went with him to one of his therapy sessions over a year ago. I was pretty uncomfortable and not completely ready to open up right off the bat, I wanted to observe and I wanted to get a feel for this doctor. I liked what a saw, there was a lot of dialogue about OCPD tendencies and the burdens that they place on loved ones. My partner was super receptive, and even admitted that it is not fair for me to have to live up to his expectations and concern myself with trivial things, like hanging up hand towels properly.

Following the session he expressed so much appreciation for me being there with him and willing to work through his issues....but then as time went on, his memory of our session completely changed: I was non-participatory; I just sat there in silence the whole time while he had to bear the brunt of the work; he made himself vulnerable and I refused to open up. Now he is completely opposed to any form of couples' counselling because he believes that I will not participate like last time.

He used to bring home information packages on OCPD that his psychologist would give him: tips, advice, coping methods etc., now the issue of PTSD has dominated his sessions and OCPD no longer seems to be an action item for them. He has completely dismissed any recollection of his OCPD and fully embraces his PTSD treatment....probably because there is no shame in it the way there is with OCPD. Bad behaviour caused by PTSD is forgivable and it is excusable because of the personal sacrifices he makes for his career. He still gets to be a hero, and seeking treatment for PTSD is a commendable thing. I guess I just wonder how much overlap there is between the two disorders... does OCPD exacerbate the symptoms of PTSD or vice versa? Will treatment for PTSD also in turn treat OCPD?

It is very difficult for me to accept that he will never change, rather he will only get worse with time and with children. You all offer living, real-life experiences that provide proof to that fact that he will never change.... how am I supposed to accept this? And then how am I supposed to act upon that realization? I value our shared experiences and I respect all of your decisions and the struggles that led you to them, but are there no success stories out there? No moments of breakthrough or realization on behalf of the OCPD'er?

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 Post subject: Re: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2017 7:05 pm 
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There are a few that have had some success with different techniques that have helped in specific situations that I have read, but very, very few. Why don't you start a new thread that asks for Dealing with OCPD partners, success stories?

See what responses you get.


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 Post subject: Re: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2017 7:22 pm 
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There are a few that have had some success with different techniques that have helped in specific situations that I have read, but very, very few. Why don't you start a new thread that asks for Dealing with OCPD partners, success stories?

See what responses you get.


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 Post subject: Re: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2017 10:38 pm 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 417
AnnieBanannie wrote:
Wow, well hello everybody. Thank you all very much for taking the time to respond to my post.

I went with him to one of his therapy sessions over a year ago. I was pretty uncomfortable and not completely ready to open up right off the bat, I wanted to observe and I wanted to get a feel for this doctor. I liked what a saw, there was a lot of dialogue about OCPD tendencies and the burdens that they place on loved ones. My partner was super receptive, and even admitted that it is not fair for me to have to live up to his expectations and concern myself with trivial things, like hanging up hand towels properly.

Following the session he expressed so much appreciation for me being there with him and willing to work through his issues....but then as time went on, his memory of our session completely changed: I was non-participatory; I just sat there in silence the whole time while he had to bear the brunt of the work; he made himself vulnerable and I refused to open up. Now he is completely opposed to any form of couples' counselling because he believes that I will not participate like last time.

It is very difficult for me to accept that he will never change, rather he will only get worse with time and with children. You all offer living, real-life experiences that provide proof to that fact that he will never change.... how am I supposed to accept this? And then how am I supposed to act upon that realization? I value our shared experiences and I respect all of your decisions and the struggles that led you to them, but are there no success stories out there? No moments of breakthrough or realization on behalf of the OCPD'er?


HI AnnieBannie -

I wanted to bold the paragraph in red you had in your post. It answers your last paragraph in what I and others have experienced. A moment of clarity.

I went and pulled a portion of my posts to give you some perspective of what I had learned. The poster Intotheblue, was very insightful and helped me to see it in my situation. What I bolded above in your post is your experience - I call it the moment of clarity.



Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 11:17 am
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intotheblue123 wrote:
This stuff is so hard. I think that when we see them during moments of clarity, we can get confused by it and believe there has been actual progress. But it is temporary.

I believe that after the closet incident, your husband snapped into a moment of clarity ("moments" in this sense can go on for days, weeks, or even months). He suddenly saw what was so wrong with things and saw his part in it. He saw how "wrong" he was. He dedicated himself to changing. He said all the right words. He meant those words, too.

But after they slip back, and they always will, they literally don't REMEMBER those thoughts they had during their moments of clarity.

I am positive he truly doesn't remember any of it. I have seen him go through moments of clarity enough times now to know, later he will not remember the things he said, felt, or learned.

This isn't under their control. Whatever happened to stunt the normal development of their personality happened at formation. They can't just decide to be different. It is so sad, really.

Your H likely doesn't remember any of the things he promised you after the closet incident. This is also why he doesn't know what you are getting at about the resentments and needing to be able to deal with them. Or about his hand in fist gestures.

I know this is frustrating, but you will be less frustrated if you really know the TRUTH and not have false hope. The truth is, he is most likely never going to be self-aware enough to protect you from himself. This is what I have accepted too, and this is why we are separated.


Dragonfly21 - Thanks intb for the reminder here. I have read it on the board and can see the pattern, so I should not be surprised. I will say I had some hope that 'maybe' things could start to change, that h was not on the extreme side and it had only been in the past 3 years that things had started to get bad. He was in IC. I was suspending judgment, keeping focused on the present. As I have mentioned, I have so much sh*t going on right now (job search, some medical, animals passing).

I need to define the month after the closet incident as a moment of clarity for him and then the 1 ½ months from me telling him I wanted a divorce as another moment of clarity. So it appears that this will be the pattern then – when a moment of clarity comes I will get 30 to 45 days of good guy before angry man starts to creep back in. Wow, I don’t think I am up for a life of that.

I realize over the past 8 years there has been a shift. It has been me carrying the load of the relationship and the house, making the decisions, moving things forward. H is and has been resentful as he tries to “find himself” but he is not able to move forward. Each year it gets worse. I thought I would be ok with it, if I had more support from him and he was happy about it, but I believe deep down while he loves me and is proud of my accomplishments, he resents it and is frustrated with himself and the situation and then that emotion comes out. His issue. His stuff.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________


AnnieBannie - you know what happened. You were there. He rewrote the history as his moment of clarity slipped away. What did happen did not support his perfect scenario. Since he cannot be wrong, you must be. :(

To experience the moment of clarity and then watch it slip away was agony for me. My heart broke that I could not help him.


You will need time to process. There are many techniques and tools that can be used to see if you can help keep some boundaries and not twist yourself up so much. I was successful in using them at times, but looking out to the future and seeing that this would continue made me tired. Your post title says everything. You have not lost your hope yet, and believe me I would like to see someone have success. There are a few Greenies (OCPDers) on this forum that are aware and work hard in their relationships. I believe the key is AWARENESS. If your man chooses not to (or refuses) to look deeply and start working on it, there is absolutely nothing you can do to MAKE him. Its hard work. Its messy, it will be exhausting and tiring not to mention scary. The only way to get to the other side is through it. They have to do the work. Though we love them and it breaks our hearts we cannot do it for them.

Hugs to you

Dragonfly21


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 Post subject: Re: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Fri May 12, 2017 2:55 pm 
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Posts: 383
Hi, AB. I’m both glad you found the board and sorry you need to be here. This was a place of support and affirmation for me as I came to grips with the realities of my 24-year marriage that ended in divorce three years ago. Your story sounded all too familiar.

First, can you acknowledge that what you are subjected to is verbal and emotional abuse? Abuse is a strong word that I was really reluctant to accept when it was applied to my situation. I couldn’t see the partner that I loved as “abusive,” and I, a strong, educated woman, was not an abused woman. If you find yourself thinking the same, I really encourage you to look into The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. I found it unsettling at first because I wondered how she could describe my inner reality so accurately, but be so wrong about my husband. But after I read it, I began to be confronted with the patterns of behavior in my husband that she described that I was unwilling to be honest about. If you intend to marry this man, I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself about what is happening in your relationship so that you walk into it fully aware of what you are choosing. If this is what you choose for yourself, you will find the people on this board to be encouraging and supportive as you navigate the realities of this kind of relationship. Just make sure that you are making an informed choice.

Second, remember that while you, as an adult, can make that choice for yourself, any children you bring into the situation will not have the same choice. They will be subject to the verbal and emotional abuse and they will not know that it is not their fault. They will not know that the expectations they are held to are unreasonable. They will not be able to navigate the shifting reality as their father redefines reality to suit him. They will wonder if they are crazy. They will grow up thinking that the way he treats you is how relationships are “supposed” to be. And you will not be able to tell them differently without being accused of being disrespectful (at the very least) to your husband. You will have to choose between maintaining a peaceful relationship with your partner and raising emotionally healthy children. The stories on this board will confirm that this is not a “worst case scenario.” This is an unavoidable reality with an unaware OCPD partner who does not fully acknowledge and actively manage their OCPD.

One of my kids saw suicide as the only option for a way out. (Fortunately, it was never carried out.) The other came to the brink of a complete emotional breakdown. Of all the realities I had to come to accept about my marriage, the truth that I failed to protect my children as I tried so hard to make my marriage work was the hardest. I did everything I could, but it was impossible. Forgiving myself has been my biggest hurdle. Please don’t find yourself in this same spot.


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 Post subject: Re: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Fri May 12, 2017 4:24 pm 
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Hi AB,
The below comments from April Showers does show the harsh reality. As I have stated on my post...my kids were pulling me out the door at the end. Please think about your unborn children.

"Second, remember that while you, as an adult, can make that choice for yourself, any children you bring into the situation will not have the same choice. They will be subject to the verbal and emotional abuse and they will not know that it is not their fault. They will not know that the expectations they are held to are unreasonable. They will not be able to navigate the shifting reality as their father redefines reality to suit him. They will wonder if they are crazy. They will grow up thinking that the way he treats you is how relationships are “supposed” to be. And you will not be able to tell them differently without being accused of being disrespectful (at the very least) to your husband. You will have to choose between maintaining a peaceful relationship with your partner and raising emotionally healthy children. The stories on this board will confirm that this is not a “worst case scenario.” This is an unavoidable reality with an unaware OCPD partner who does not fully acknowledge and actively manage their OCPD.

One of my kids saw suicide as the only option for a way out. (Fortunately, it was never carried out.) The other came to the brink of a complete emotional breakdown. Of all the realities I had to come to accept about my marriage, the truth that I failed to protect my children as I tried so hard to make my marriage work was the hardest. I did everything I could, but it was impossible. Forgiving myself has been my biggest hurdle. Please don’t find yourself in this same spot."

Movingon


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 Post subject: Re: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 4:03 pm 
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We had a big fight yesterday, as we seem to have so regularly now. It's funny how hard it is for me to remember the triggers, often time because it is something so trivial to me.

Over the span of Friday to Sunday (3 days)....I received lectures for the following issues:

- buying a new tablecloth ($4) from a thrift store when his mom has got so many of them, I should have asked her for one before going out and buying something we don’t need.

- not consulting with him before placing a decorative dish on the hutch behind the dining room table….”it doesn’t make sense there, maybe something like a nice silver tea set but not a plate”

- cleaning the toilets but not cleaning the sinks… if you’re going to clean the toilets then you may as well do the rest of the bathrooms as well seeing as how I have all the time in the world…..

- not laughing at his ‘playful demeanor’ when while kissing me he asked if I had brushed my teeth yet… and I had.

- not letting him know asap that my mom had casually mentioned that my sister and her family would like to come out for a visit this summer; and then for casually sharing this news in front of his parents instead of in private

- assuming that he’d have a problem with me having a couple of drinks at a friend’s down the street, when he actually did have a problem and feels justified in having a problem but wasn’t going to make it a problem (umm… what?)

- forgetting to turn the thermostat off before opening a window

- for getting up too often while trying to watch a tv show together.

- for being on my phone too often

- for not wanting to sleep in the same bed together more often….we sometimes work different schedules, and I have a bedroom downstairs which I sleep in when (a) I have to be up early and he wants to sleep in, or (b) he has to be up early and I want to stay up late. No no, I should be going to bed early with him on my days off so that we can sleep together and build intimacy with one another.

- not consulting with him before trimming an overgrown hedge that was preventing sunlight from reaching an unhealthy rhododendron... this one was the icing on the cake

First he shouted from the window, and then he stormed outside before leaving for work and told me to stop trimming things in his yard, that this is his house and he would like me to move out. I said nothing. Then he texted me an hour later telling me that things are not going to work out between us, and the sooner I can find other accommodations the better. I did not respond and we have not spoken since.

So, this is my escape. He has knowingly invited me to go find other accommodations in the most difficult rental market in Canada, where vacancy rates are virtually 0% and even less if you have pets. After leaving my all-inclusive garden suite that I'd lived in very happily for 3+ years with just myself and my two cats, and where I paid ~75% less in rent than most people do for a suite half as nice and half as private, he now invites me to go find other accommodations after only 1 month of us living together. He knows that I will not be successful in this, he KNOWS this. He just wants me to realize how much I need him and how lucky I am to have him to provide such a nice, safe home for me and my kitties.

I don't have anywhere to go, my family lives in another province, I have a big job interview coming up, and I NEED my cats. I can't even begin to express how much I depend on them for my happiness, and I honestly start to panic when I think of the stress it will cause them to move AGAIN, or worse...if I an unsuccessful in finding something out here, I would have to take them on a plane so I can move home to my family. You can only take one pet as carry-on and I would never put either down in cargo... driving with them would be an absolute nightmare and I would be too scared to drive through the Rockies by myself. I just feel so trapped sometimes.... I am only just starting to stand on my own two feet in terms of a career and he knows all of this about me. He knows I won't go anywhere. This is just him reminding me that I have nowhere to go.

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 Post subject: Re: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 7:02 pm 
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Posts: 62
Oh my dear!

You are between a rock and a hard place. Your fiancé is WAY worse than mine has ever been. Only you can make the decision that it best for you. But I think you know what the right decision is. You have reached a fork in the road. You can choose the road that will be a bit rocky in the short term with a possible good life ahead or the road of least change, but with a guaranteed life a misery. You know what most of us will tell you. But again, YOU have to make the final decision.


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 Post subject: Re: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 7:18 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 12:58 pm
Posts: 62
Oh my dear!

You are between a rock and a hard place. Your fiancé is WAY worse than mine has ever been. Only you can make the decision that it best for you. But I think you know what the right decision is. You have reached a fork in the road. You can choose the road that will be a bit rocky in the short term with a possible good life ahead or the road of least change, but with a guaranteed life a misery. You know what most of us will tell you. But again, YOU have to make the final decision.


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 Post subject: Re: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 11:47 pm 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 417
Oh AB, I am so sorry to hear this!

It 'appears' he has the upper hand. I say appears as this is RIGHT NOW. There is no reason that you cannot play nice for now and start planning for a departure.

I would suggest doing some research on this site

http://outofthefog.website/

Their forum is very helpful for those planning a departure and their toolbox has been very helpful for me to review also.

Hugs to you. Your kitties are your kids. I understand that. I suggest trying to spin into the whatif land if possible. It is energy that is not helpful.

You can do this. I believe that non's that end up with OCPD people are strong and resilient. You can do this. Hugs to you

Dragonfly21


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