Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

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 Post subject: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Mon Jun 15, 2009 2:21 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2009 4:14 pm
Posts: 46
I apologize to all for bringing up this topic. . .

It has been mentioned before in some of the postings that our OCPD'er SO have low sexual interest.
Is this different in males than in females?
In addition to my DW also having the low interest, when she is actually up for it, she has the most difficult time reaching climax. . .

I would like to hear your opinions on the subject.


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Mon Jun 15, 2009 2:51 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jun 15, 2009 2:39 pm
Posts: 34
Haven't had relations with OCPD DH for 1 year.


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Mon Jun 15, 2009 3:10 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 16, 2009 5:52 pm
Posts: 268
This was an issue from the beginning with my DH OCPD'r. I thought at one point he might even be gay.

He RARELY initiates sex if ever. I can count on my hand... ok, like 3 times when he actually led me to the bedroom. I remember one time I was actually kind of freaked because it was so out of character.

This wreaked HAVOC on my self esteem. I thought, if I lose 10 pounds (I'm around my normal weight), grew my hair, cut it, dressed a certain way.. he might be more attracted to me.

My first husband was a serial cheater so you can imagine, this was really tough for me to handle. That had killed my self esteem and getting that back was near impossible. We had conversations (I had conversations with myself) :lol: as to what was going on with us. I used "us" because I didn't want to blame him even though I knew it really was his problem.

I once asked him if he had this issue with past relationships and true to a typical OCPD'r answer it was "I don't know or I don't think so" type answers. I mean, I thought... WTH is wrong with me then? Now, I don't know why or how his past relationships ended (he doesn't like to talk about that either) so I can't see a pattern but I HAVE to imagine that somewhere down the line, one of his GF's felt the same?

When life is really stressed, sex goes right out the door. I think our longest haul was almost 4 weeks... for newlyweds... that's a problem. He does this thing where if it's been a while, he will roll over in bed with his back to me and in a little kids voice say "you don't like me anymore"... yet if I don't initiate, we can go forever without it. SO WEIRD!

He isn't even that affectionate. When he kisses me, he puckers his lips out as far as possible like a fish and gives me a peck on the lips. When I hug him and just want to hold him and give him a big kiss.. if it lasts one second beyond whatever he desires at that moment, I can actually physically feel him pull away. Try that one on for size. That really stings!

I now know it's the OCPD... in fact, OCPD has answered alot of the questions I have had with this relationship. However, it hasn't answered as to whether I will be able to live with it for the rest of my life.

I'm so desperate for touch sometimes that I go get a pedicure. I can just see that he has no need for sex or affection which explains why he was single for so long before we met. He just doesn't have that "need" I guess...

and once again, my self esteem is shot... it's already been through hell. :cry:

NA


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Mon Jun 15, 2009 3:13 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 16, 2009 5:52 pm
Posts: 268
Maybe one of our resident OCPD members can explain why? My guess is that it requires letting go... and we know that OCPD'rs have a heck of a time doing that...

NA


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Mon Jun 15, 2009 3:25 pm 
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Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2009 4:01 pm
Posts: 2235
Location: Denmark
NotAgain wrote:
Maybe one of our resident OCPD members can explain why?

Sorry. I enjoy sex very much. My wife is very beautiful and attractive and it is hard for me to keep my hands off of her. Sex is one of those very, very rare events where I feel completely relaxed and present in the moment. Being able to explore and experiment without any thought or worry. I have a strong need to touch and kiss a lot.

_________________
Morten

OCPD - Only Contemplating Potential Disasters

Here's a short story on how I control my OCPD: http://ocpd.dk/Beretninger/OCPD_uk.pdf


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Mon Jun 15, 2009 4:03 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2009 8:13 pm
Posts: 1346
Location: OBX, NC, 'Murica, Earth, Milky Way, Local Galactic Group
[gripe retracted after seeing the severe plights of others; I would have left an SO long before enduring such dearth of affections and intimacy as I've read here]


Last edited by realitycheque on Tue Jun 16, 2009 7:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Mon Jun 15, 2009 4:42 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 1:12 pm
Posts: 71
NotAgain wrote:
He does this thing where if it's been a while, he will roll over in bed with his back to me and in a little kids voice say "you don't like me anymore"... yet if I don't initiate, we can go forever without it. SO WEIRD!

He isn't even that affectionate. When he kisses me, he puckers his lips out as far as possible like a fish and gives me a peck on the lips.
NA

This is totally my DH. For the last 10 years the extent of his showing affection to me was to pat me on the behind or tickle me (both of which are actually hostile behaviors). I can probably count on one hand the number of times he's initiated physical intimacy with me and probably on two hands a foot the number of times we've actually had sex in the 14 years we've been together (4 dating 10 married). Also, anytime I made an overture to him, he'd revert to a child's voice, give a child-like giggle, or make a little animal growl sound. The point is he doesn't know how to (can't?) express the emotion of desire in an appropriate adult manner; so, he "hides" behind a false voice or an animal sound where he doesn't have to be emotionally vulnerable and actually say (or act on) what he wants.

Sal, you asked if OCPDers have a low sexual interest, but with my DH it’s not that. My DH has told me that he likes sex - likes to think about it, to have it, and in his mind he even wants it...but just can't bring himself to initiate with me. He told me that he can't figure out why he would deny not only me but himself something that he wants.

After 16 weeks of discussing and analyzing it, my take is this (and this is just my experience with my DH, it may or may not be what’s behind your DW’s actions)…My DH has certain rules and expectations for himself and for those that he loves (as do all OCPDers). I came along and didn't follow the rules, I made mistakes, and I didn't even try to be perfect. As a result, he can not/will not (who knows which) bring himself to express any desire for me because I have disappointed him. So, during the course of our marriage he just withdrew from me mentally, emotionally, and certainly physically (starting about 6 mos into the marriage).

The issue that DH and I have been going around and around about is not that he was disappointed in me because every marriage (every relationship) experiences some level of disappointment. Rather, it’s: 1- his underlying expectations that led to the disappointment were not reasonable; and 2 - how he dealt with his disappointment by sulking and withdrawing from me was damaging to our relationship and to my self-esteem.

With my DH, some of his expectations were reasonable, but many were not. For example, he’s upset that I didn’t make the bed and fold the clothes so that they were “crisp.” He’s upset that I didn’t properly wipe down the sink after use so that no water was in the sink or on the edges. Most of all, he’s upset that I expressed anger during our marriage (my DH is very quiet and hates conflict…his method of operation is just to withdraw from someone completely rather than engage in any level of conflict). Once he was upset, he didn't come talk to me about his disappointments; rather, he kept to himself, engaged in civil pleasantries with me, but continued to pull away from me mentally, emotionally, and physically. It was because of this pulling away that he didn't initiate any physical intimacy. :cry:

So, Sal, I wouldn’t say that for OCPDers there’s a lack of interest in sex in and of itself. I would bet that for most OCPDers (certainly not all), the problem is that the verbal or physical expression of desire is suppressed. The cause behind this suppression is unknown. For my DH, I think it’s disappointment in me (however unfounded) mixed with the joint fears of being vulnerable and not “performing” perfectly. Overall, though, I think the “want” is there, but the ability to express the want and act on it, is not.

I don’t know if that makes sense or if I’m babbling. This issue (OCPDers and physical/emotional intimacy) has been on my mind and the subject of pretty much all my waking thoughts for the last 16 weeks. Maddening :x

_________________
DESTINY:You were meant for me. Perhaps as a punishment.
-Dr. E.L. Kersten


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Mon Jun 15, 2009 6:20 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 16, 2009 5:52 pm
Posts: 268
Katie,

I agree with you, I must say my husband DOES enjoy sex but it APPEARS that he is not interested. When we were first together and he never initiated, I thought something was seriously wrong with me... like maybe there was something he found unattractive about me so I started to ask him questions...

It seemed like he would just rather go to sleep... we never had that "rabbit" period at the beginning of our relationship... I think you all know what I am talking about. My friends were all dating at the time and I would think, wow, everyone has a great sex life except me?

Then one time he said, "I am like an old car, it takes time for me to warm up"..... :shock:

I thought, I have NEVER in my life ever heard a guy say such a thing. I didn't even know what to say. However, what I did realize was that it appeared that was him saying "looks like you are going to be the one to start the car all the time cuz it ain't going to start it self!" In translation = unless you initiate, it ain't gonna happen.

Look, I don't mind initiating but after awhile, you wonder where the attraction is on the other side... I mean, it would be nice to be desired once in awhile ya know? I won't lie, the anger builds up inside me and then I don't want to have sex... it's a vicious circle.

Also, and this maybe too much TMI but we are all adults here so....

During sex... he isn't much for noises either... I mean, he is dead silent which I always thought was REALLY weird.

Katie, I hear ya about the obsessing of the "why's and whatnot's" intimacy because I do the same... the thing is.. ITS NOT YOU... you must remember that.


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Mon Jun 15, 2009 6:28 pm 
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Joined: Sat Mar 21, 2009 9:34 pm
Posts: 187
This is a sore subject with me. My OCPD DH isn't the least interested in having intimacy or anything physical. I'll never forget the night we were married - no lovemaking at all. I should have left 2 years ago. We have made love twice in over 2 1/2 years of marriage. I'm getting my walking papers ready. He won't even discuss this problem we have. I have Never had to deal with this before. He requires very little affection and I require alot. Not exactly your match made in heaven!!!!

Maggie


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Mon Jun 15, 2009 6:42 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 16, 2009 5:52 pm
Posts: 268
Sorry Maggie :cry: That is so hard... I feel your pain.


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Mon Jun 15, 2009 6:54 pm 
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Joined: Sat Mar 21, 2009 9:34 pm
Posts: 187
Thanks NotAgain. It's so good to hear other people dealing with the same issues. After living with this man for 3 years, I feel as though I'm about to lose it!!!


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Mon Jun 15, 2009 7:07 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2009 2:25 pm
Posts: 377
My issue was that my stbx wanted it constantly...but only the physical aspect. No kissing, no emotion. He made me feel cheap and trashy.I definately don't miss that!

-Bea


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Mon Jun 15, 2009 8:00 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 16, 2009 5:52 pm
Posts: 268
This also reminds me....

The other night... I was showing him the Victoria Secret catalog online and said "what do you think of this?" (showing him the lingerie) because I was HOPING he might point to something and say "oh you would look good in that"... instead he said

"well, none of those are really practical" :shock: :shock: :shock: :|

I kid you not.

NA


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Mon Jun 15, 2009 9:27 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2009 5:18 pm
Posts: 552
I've been married 5 1/2 years or so. Since the honeymoon? 8 times.

Recently? Not since Jan 2007.

Last time before that? Aug 2005.

For those that haven't done the math, that's 1 time in a little less than 4 years. Not that I ever think about this or anything. :evil:

Am I angry about it? That's an understatement.

Have I talked to her about it? I've tried - numerous times. But, she refuses to to talk about it generally. What little I get out her is that she can't ever think about it, there's too many other things on her mind. I've told her how much it hurts and she just stares at me blankly and says she still loves me. That's about all I ever out of her on the subject. She'll go to many lengths to avoid the topic. I think she knows she's wrong on this but doesn't want to face it.


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Mon Jun 15, 2009 11:12 pm 
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Joined: Tue Apr 07, 2009 5:08 pm
Posts: 74
beaporqupine wrote:
My issue was that my stbx wanted it constantly...but only the physical aspect. No kissing, no emotion. ...
-Bea


Like Bea, my stbx had no problem with the act of sex; the intimacy is what killed it for us. Since I thrive on intimacy and emotion, my Dh's actions turned me off and our sex life when down the drain. I tired my best to explain my needs to Dh, but I don't think he got it. He's just to calculating to understand love. Anyway, we haven't had "relations" in over a year.

I'll definitely not miss this aspect of married life :(


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