He does this thing where if it's been a while, he will roll over in bed with his back to me and in a little kids voice say "you don't like me anymore"... yet if I don't initiate, we can go forever without it. SO WEIRD!
He isn't even that affectionate. When he kisses me, he puckers his lips out as far as possible like a fish and gives me a peck on the lips.
This is totally my DH. For the last 10 years the extent of his showing affection to me was to pat me on the behind or tickle me (both of which are actually hostile behaviors). I can probably count on one hand the number of times he's initiated physical intimacy with me and probably on two hands a foot the number of times we've actually had sex in the 14 years we've been together (4 dating 10 married). Also, anytime I made an overture to him, he'd revert to a child's voice, give a child-like giggle, or make a little animal growl sound. The point is he doesn't know how to (can't?) express the emotion of desire in an appropriate adult manner; so, he "hides" behind a false voice or an animal sound where he doesn't have to be emotionally vulnerable and actually say (or act on) what he wants.
Sal, you asked if OCPDers have a low sexual interest, but with my DH it’s not that. My DH has told me that he likes sex - likes to think about it, to have it, and in his mind he even wants it...but just can't bring himself to initiate with me. He told me that he can't figure out why he would deny not only me but himself something that he wants.
After 16 weeks of discussing and analyzing it, my take is this (and this is just my experience with my DH, it may or may not be what’s behind your DW’s actions)…My DH has certain rules and expectations for himself and for those that he loves (as do all OCPDers). I came along and didn't follow the rules, I made mistakes, and I didn't even try to be perfect. As a result, he can not/will not (who knows which) bring himself to express any desire for me because I have disappointed him. So, during the course of our marriage he just withdrew from me mentally, emotionally, and certainly physically (starting about 6 mos into the marriage).
The issue that DH and I have been going around and around about is not that he was disappointed in me because every marriage (every relationship) experiences some level of disappointment. Rather, it’s: 1- his underlying expectations that led to the disappointment were not reasonable; and 2 - how he dealt with his disappointment by sulking and withdrawing from me was damaging to our relationship and to my self-esteem.
With my DH, some of his expectations were reasonable, but many were not. For example, he’s upset that I didn’t make the bed and fold the clothes so that they were “crisp.” He’s upset that I didn’t properly wipe down the sink after use so that no water was in the sink or on the edges. Most of all, he’s upset that I expressed anger during our marriage (my DH is very quiet and hates conflict…his method of operation is just to withdraw from someone completely rather than engage in any level of conflict). Once he was upset, he didn't come talk to me about his disappointments; rather, he kept to himself, engaged in civil pleasantries with me, but continued to pull away from me mentally, emotionally, and physically. It was because of this pulling away that he didn't initiate any physical intimacy.
So, Sal, I wouldn’t say that for OCPDers there’s a lack of interest in sex in and of itself. I would bet that for most OCPDers (certainly not all), the problem is that the verbal or physical expression of desire is suppressed. The cause behind this suppression is unknown. For my DH, I think it’s disappointment in me (however unfounded) mixed with the joint fears of being vulnerable and not “performing” perfectly. Overall, though, I think the “want” is there, but the ability to express the want and act on it, is not.
I don’t know if that makes sense or if I’m babbling. This issue (OCPDers and physical/emotional intimacy) has been on my mind and the subject of pretty much all my waking thoughts for the last 16 weeks. Maddening