Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 7:49 pm 
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Joined: Sat May 14, 2011 4:36 pm
Posts: 67
My sex drive is directly tied to my anxiety levels. The more stressed or anxious I am, the less likely I am to even think about sex. All my energy is consumed by (or fighting) the anxiety levels. I have control issues, so I am always the one to initiate sex. Affection is not a problem. I don't relate particularly well to people and have trouble showing emotions, but I'm smart enough to realize how lucky I am to be with my wife. I kiss and hug her a dozen times a day, greet her at the door if she gets home after me, and cuddle with her daily when we watch tv or movies.


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 2:27 am 
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Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2011 2:28 pm
Posts: 69
My OCPD-er was always heavenly to be with in that way. Romantic as all get-out, an amazing kisser, wonderfully affectionate.

But it probably would have all gone to hell if I'd ever moved in with him. I know at the end, with his ex-wife, he was sleeping on the couch.


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 2:41 am 
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Joined: Fri Mar 09, 2012 3:14 am
Posts: 127
I am sure Clovis. Before our wedding he was THE BEST lover. A minute to the marriage i did not recognize him. He became cold and distant and i felt that i was begging for love and sex. We needed an " appointment "...it is really SAD! I still cannot believe how he changed!


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 9:18 am 
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Joined: Fri Mar 16, 2012 8:33 am
Posts: 6
My OCPDH is highly sexual but lacking in the emotional component, as some of you have mentioned regarding your own spouse. He would bully me into giving in to his needs even when I was sick, recently recovering from surgery, in pain, whatever... my condition didn't matter. When I did reject him, I had better be prepared to face his wrath. He blamed his addiction to pornography on me not meeting his needs. Most of the time I just gave in because it was easier.


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Sun Apr 01, 2012 12:56 am 
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Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2012 11:03 pm
Posts: 3
My BF is the best lover I've ever had. We went from being friends to friends with benefits and now hopefully this relationship will go forward. He SAYS sex isn't important to him, but when I'm out of town he wants me to send photos and he masturbates. We are both extremely busy and we only get to see each other on the weekends, and it's always great. One time he wasn't that into it and told me and started his "well I guess the relationship is over" stuff the way he's done with other women. Hell no!! We talked about it and the next weekend things were better than ever. He loves sex - he's just so screwed up, he doesn't want to admit it. And he's a very unselfish lover and very eager to please . . . easy to talk to about sex.

He did tell me that he totally withdrew from his wife and that's one of the things that ended the relationship. And he ended the other two failed attempt at a relationship by bailing when he lost interest. It's really sad. I think I'm the only person that's ever called him on his warped views about things and has stuck by him and helped him work through things. He's not the worst OCPD case I've ever heard of but he has his moments. But sex . . . nah. He just needed permission to go for it!!


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Sun Apr 01, 2012 11:52 pm 
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Joined: Sat Feb 26, 2011 2:55 pm
Posts: 13
No sex for last several years.....DW would have to admit I'm not a bastard if she did. No way she will!


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Tue Apr 03, 2012 1:21 am 
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Joined: Sat Oct 08, 2011 2:24 pm
Posts: 134
Wow, I gotta say this series of posts have helped my self-esteem incredibly. My OCPD soon to be ex (Discovered as a result of comming on this site) is the primest example. Mine has some curves however.

Married for 12 years, knew her 14. 1.5 years of living hell at the end. Now divorce filed and slogging it out. Soo much haopier now. When it started great sex life. I remember one weekend where we had sex 13 times. In my opinion she was exactly what I loved. I have always had a thing for blonde, tall, curvey girls. She was all of that. We get married starts to drop off drastcally. Two years into it, down to 6 times a year. We were close in a friendship way but never any affection on her part. I spent the next years saying maybe it will get better. In the last six years the only way it happened was when she was drunk. Often then she would pass out before anything would happen. Very difficult to be involved with someone you find soo attractive, yet seems to have no interest in sex unless she was drunk.

On several ocassions we would talk about it. Admitted that she was very confused about sex. On ocassion when she was drunk she was like a bizarre twisted lunatic. Next day it didnt exist. I got to the point where if she did show affection or showed an intense sex drive for a day, I didnt know what to do. I didnt trust it. Then I started to suspect things were going on with other guys. Alot of evidence. I then picjked up her phone, after she had called the end to the marriage but we were trying to work it out. On it was a message from a very close friend of mine and my wife's that was very sexual in nature. I confronted her. She said that it was nothing, but that it was easier to talk to him than me, and that I would just have to deal with it.

I go to the marriage counselor who told me that my soon to be ex was not a sexual person and that was one of our problems. I said what about the e-mails, she said that it was probably nothing, just some flirtation that she was comfortable with.

Well talk about confused. Let me get this right, I am working my but off for her, the kids, the bills, trying to do the right thing and she thinks it appropriate to flirt with other guys if not more. With me she is not sexual with "players" she is.

Killed my self-esteem. Through the work of so many people on this site I finally get it. The marriage counselor was right, she was non-sexual with me because it became some sick control issue. Too much anxiety because I actually loved her and would have done anything for her. Too much feeling and emotion. Now, if you can find someone where it doesnt matter, you can flirt and maybe more. It doesnt have that baggage of love, caring or emotion.

Well I got it very clear. I have bolted and given up. I am simply sick of the distorted games. It is still hell but I simply dont care. I have people around me who support me. I have women in my life who find me interesting exciting and are affectionate. Women who are not afraid to show love.

What is she trying now. She is trying to get me back. Rages at me when I am clearly out with friends or on a date. I will never return to that hell and the waste of my life. Yes, I sound angry, but I guess I became angrier with myself for taking it for so long and denyinng myself the caring and affection I deserve.

God bleds you people who can deal with being involved with an OCPDer. I am now out of that hell and will never go back. Personally, it is good to know that people have experience similar difficulties. In my case life is too short. I dont care what it costs me. I am on to a new and exciting life, thanks to soo many people on this site.

Eiger28


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Tue Apr 03, 2012 10:18 am 
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Joined: Fri Feb 10, 2012 9:42 am
Posts: 120
Eiger28 wrote:
I go to the marriage counselor who told me that my soon to be ex was not a sexual person and that was one of our problems. I said what about the e-mails, she said that it was probably nothing, just some flirtation that she was comfortable with.


This is why I am not interested in marriage counseling. I think your marriage counselor had it completely wrong. I don't think that your ex is an asexual person at all. The fact that she can be sexual when she is drunk, the fact that she flirts with other men indicate to me that she is a sexual person. There are a lot of things that run inside the head of an OCPDr when they are in a sexual relationship. Demand-resistance is there. Extremely morality is there. Time-management issues are there. Inability to relax due to anxiety is there. When all of these issues are combined, it is a miracle that an OCPDr is able to have sex at all. I think that OCPDrs can have sex at the beginning of a relationship because to bond with a prospective mate is a high-priority task at the moment. Once a commitment is made, it is no longer a priority. While this is true for most couples, it is especially serious with an OCPDr because they have a problem with anxiety and time management. Perhaps OCPDrs who have fewer responsibilities such as a full-time job and young kids could also be more sexual. I don't think OCPD kills sex desire per se but it just makes it very difficult for the OCPDrs to allow themselves to enjoy it.

Eiger, Good luck to you with your new life.


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Tue Apr 03, 2012 3:08 pm 
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Joined: Sat Oct 08, 2011 2:24 pm
Posts: 134
Very fair comments, thanks. I guess I see it. Throughout the marriage she was always paralyzed by anthing from the ordinary. It created a massive amount of anxiety in her. Went through long bouts of depression. It appeared that she was often overwhelmed by anything that wasn't simple, wasnt easy.

Asserted that she needed to be independent, begin her new life. Until she married at 36, always lived at home. Lived with me. Decided to end the marriage and moved in with her mother, who she treats as her personal slave. I cant tell you how independent that is.
Left our lives a wreck. No real explaination, just did it.

Now seems very depressed and sad. Stays at her mothers, works full time, there for the kids but a weird kind of emptiness. Rarely smiles, rages alot, demands alot. Kids even say that she rages alot at them. Tells me constantly that she cant stand being around her mother, wants to move back in to our marital home, alternating weeks with the kids. Doesnt seem to go anywhere or spend time with friends. I say Okay, until house is sold it works. I will be there so that the kids can b e there with me, and when she is there I will find somewhere else to be. Never does anything to move back in.

Kinda weird, I actually shouldnt but I do feel sorry for her. Seems very unhappy, but alot of times extremely angry at me for the smallest of things.

It does appear that anxiety is soo compelling with this disorder that they can never be happy. Until I got through the fog, I never knew how much this negativity affected me.
My life is much better, thank God.

Thanks again

Eiger28.


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2012 8:16 pm 
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Joined: Wed Apr 04, 2012 1:41 pm
Posts: 29
My husband never initiates sex either. I have always thought it odd that a man never initiates sex. He also seems to have a lower sex drive than any man I have ever known. A few times I decided not to initiate sex to see if he noticed. He didn't

We have not been getting along the last few months mainly because when he hoovered me I didn't respond. So after trying to solve the issues and after some time had passed I said are we ever going to be intimate again? He said I was like a guy. I said what? He said men will have sex no matter what the relationship is like. ?. This isn't no matter what it's been a few months.

It's been six months since that conversation. I haven't mentioned it again. I am in my mid 40's and have kept myself at a good weight and work out. I look a lot better than any of my friends but yet my husband has no interest in me.

When we used to be intimate he also never made a sound. He is so controlled that he is even controlled during sex. He can't allow himself to even let go enough to be intimate freely.


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Tue May 08, 2012 12:30 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 11:45 am
Posts: 25
My ex needed to have sex at least once a day, or he would stomp around and be angry. I wasn't ever given the space to say "not tonight, honey." If I wasn't ready to go, then I was defective and would hear about it. I also got the "you never initiate!" lecture.

I was his first real girlfriend. I think he had dated someone for about a month before we met. He thought he knew quite a bit about sex, though, because he watched lots of amateur sapphic you know what on the internet. When I didn't behave according to formula, it was a problem with me.

He'd hear stories about friends having sex troubles and going without for extended periods of time and loudly exclaim how that would be a deal-breaker for him, and he would never put up with it. That, coupled with the abusive behavior he'd exhibit when he had to go a day or two, meant I was faking it a lot.

Even with that, he went through a lot of hand lotion.


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Wed May 09, 2012 1:12 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2009 9:25 am
Posts: 4874
recoveringwkids wrote:
He'd hear stories about friends having sex troubles and going without for extended periods of time and loudly exclaim how that would be a deal-breaker for him, and he would never put up with it. That, coupled with the abusive behavior he'd exhibit when he had to go a day or two, meant I was faking it a lot.
OK, so do you think he is getting daily sex now with a real person???? Sorry, I just HAD to ask. LOL

_________________
Married 10+ years
Diagnosed 18 years ago
Fairly good marriage


“ When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time."
― Maya Angelou


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2012 4:17 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 11:45 am
Posts: 25
more-freedom wrote:
recoveringwkids wrote:
He'd hear stories about friends having sex troubles and going without for extended periods of time and loudly exclaim how that would be a deal-breaker for him, and he would never put up with it. That, coupled with the abusive behavior he'd exhibit when he had to go a day or two, meant I was faking it a lot.
OK, so do you think he is getting daily sex now with a real person???? Sorry, I just HAD to ask. LOL

He has a girlfriend. Beyond that, I try not to think about it. :)


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 4:18 pm 
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Joined: Sat May 12, 2012 3:28 pm
Posts: 41
DH and I have not had sex for the last 4 years (17 year relationship.)

In the beginning things were OK, although he wanted to have sex with the lights off, wasn't very comfortable talking about it, didn't make any noises, etc. (I did not realize that it was possible to have a completely silent orgasm!) He did seem to enjoy it. But when I became pregnant, he said that my growing stomach was a turn off to him. And then over time he seemed to become less and less interested.

We went to a marriage counselor and she told us to squeeze in a couple of quickies here and there to spice things up. Not being aware of DH's undiagnosed OPCD, she was visually shocked when DH said that he would not do quickies. We ended counseling after about 8 sessions because DH felt that the woman wasn't a very good marriage counselor (yes, textbook OCPD.)

One of the things that I have found to be really perplexing was that from Day 1, after we had an argument or serious disagreement, (of any size) it would take him 2-3 weeks to "process" it (which consisted of pouting, brooding, moping, etc.) During that time he told me that he did not want to have sex because he did not feel affectionate toward me. Looking back, I think it had much more to do with him feeling like our relationship was imperfect (because we had had a disagreement) and that turned him off.

Once he was out of the 2-3 week "processing" period, and if we had not had any additional arguments during that time, he would initiate sex by lighting a candle by the bed and spraying lavender water on our pillows (it seemed somewhat ritualistic.) I think he was trying to create the "perfect" atmosphere for sex.

At some point he stopped initiating it altogether and I finally gave up because it was no longer worth the effort and wierd emotional baggage.

I really wish I had left the marriage years ago. I hesitate to divorce him now because of our child. But thank goodness for this board! Otherwise I would feel very alone in my situation.

-Brooklyn


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 Post subject: Re: Sexual Interest On OCPD'ers
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 6:05 pm 
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Joined: Thu Nov 17, 2011 10:06 pm
Posts: 266
Brooklyn wrote:
I did not realize that it was possible to have a completely silent orgasm!


Too many people have formulated what sex is by either porn or other peoples experiences which are usually greatly embellished.

It is a real turn off to me to hear someone experience a "loud" orgasm. I'm talking ... the full out yelling or screaming that you hear in porn films. It's screams "fake orgasm" to me. I'm sure that that there are a lot of people who are like this. However, just like porn, it's usually a little bit of excessive acting because people think it's the way it's supposed to be be or simply because they think it will turn the other person on.

There are times where I have a silent orgasm, although my body language and face are definitely not silent. For me, it has nothing to do with thoughts, beliefs, etc. When I used to let obsessive thoughts in the bedroom, it would put the breaks on whatever I was doing and I had to stop because I no longer felt comfortable.

As for quickies, some men feel guilty about quickies. Especially when their SO requires a little more time to fully enjoy the experience.


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