Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: Separating from an aging/controlling OCPD father!
PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2017 1:45 am 

Joined: Thu Apr 13, 2017 1:01 am
Posts: 1
Hi everyone! I haven't posted in ages (and couldn't even access my old account) but really need some advice.

I have a 75 year old father who seems to have OCPD with a vengeance. In a nutshell, the best way to describe some of his behavior is Archie Bunker, Basil Fawlty and Larry David to an extreme. I am 45, married, no kids, three poodles. I've spent most of my adult life in Japan, but his reach is strong, in part because he controls EVERYTHING in my life, and has no concept of personal boundaries. It is at the point that I need something akin to a legal divorce. As an example, he takes out credit cards in my name, cancels credit cards, is obsessed with call centers, and controls, controls, controls. Boundary setting behaviors don't work. He used to try to control the food on my plate telling me what I can and can't eat, and a few years ago tried to put his hand in my pocket to check my wallet to make sure I had a credit card he took out for me. It got so bad, I had to slap his hand to stop him from touching my stuff at a train station, then people saw it, and it looked like I was engaging in elderly abuse. (He seems to operate on a principle of dominate or be dominated, so if you yell or shout at him, he'll back down, but if you are calm and assertive, he ignores the communication.) --And in so far as my own apartment, he even filled it up with his own possessions then tried to orchestrate daily management of the place.

A couple of years ago, his behavior seemed to have taken a dip for the worse. Although he has some anti-social tendencies, he's fairly straight laced, but came to visit me with his mistress instead of my mother. During the visit he took over my apartment, wouldn't let me in, then refused to communicate outside of the woman's presence. I threatened to report it to my mother and photographed both of them together, but both challenged me to go and tell her. (My mother herself is mentally ill and dependent upon him for care.) This is a super controlling guy, so the behavior was BIZARRE.

Recently, I found out that my mother was diagnosed with what he describes as terminal cancer. I've decided to return back to the US -- but feel he may be beginning to suffer from early onset dementia. Unfortunately, it is difficult to tell because he is controlling, repeats things compulsively (but doesn't listen), and abruptly changes topics in the middle of conversations.

There are numerous problems in this situation: First, he has control of my life and finances. I need to break off. He views everything I own as his. The credit cards will be full of debt (which he agreed to pay for) regarding the return to the US and my schooling (He had me cancel my student loans insisting to pay them off at a lower rate.)

Explaining this situation to people who don't know my situation is difficult because it looks like I am being spoiled rotten, but I'm not. I simply can't make decisions for myself because he has so much control. (He used to call many times a day, and the conversations involve constant order giving, talking in circles, and compulsively repeating things over and over.)

I have not lived in America for MANY years (trying to stay as far away as possible from him, but still suffering), so at first I'll live in his house with my wife (My plan is to finish Grad School -- I'm only a semester and a half away), get a teaching license, then resume a career in the US.)
In the meantime, I am broke, he views everything as mine, and it is IMPOSSIBLE to have discussions discussing ways of becoming autonomous. At the same time, if he has early onset dementia, I am not so sure if he is capable of caring for my mother, if he should be driving, and also how to negotiate separation and becoming dependent in an amicable manner. (The last thing I need is that he suddenly cut all my credit cards, and claim all of my personal belongings are his and other drama like that.)

My question is, is there any route involving social workers or lawyers anyone can suggest. I don't think anyone who's never dealt with a person with OCPD can understand the situation. Basically, it looks like I am a 45 moocher who is totally dependent on my father; however, I've dealt with 45 years of total control, and burn-out from dealing with him, an it is really hard to take control of my life. The situation is further complicated in that my mother is isolated from all friends and relatives, America is like a foreign country to me... and again, aside from being completely controlling, he cannot grasp conversations that involve assertion of personal boundaries. (He often calls me asking for my internet passwords, or demanding I give permission to call centers allowing him to talk on my behalf.)

Any suggestions? Also, is there a way to find a lawyer who is specifically familiar with OCPD -- or a situation that could involve a social worker. (It is unclear why he wouldn't talk outside the presence of this lady, but supposedly the relationship had been going on for years. I repeatedly told him that it was his private business, but bringing her around me was inappropriate, but he could not understand the concept.) I am sick and disgusted, and really need help!

Any wisdom is greatly suggested.

 Post subject: Re: Separating from an aging/controlling OCPD father!
PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2017 10:46 am 

Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:08 pm
Posts: 627
I am not sure if he has OCPD...could also be Narcissism...the lack of boundaries causes me to think of that.
Another more general forum for dealing with personality disordered parents is : http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=4.0
I would also ask your question there.

The answer to your question is BOUNDARIES! You are starting to realize you need them...but need to figure out how to implement them.

I would recommend reading the book:
Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend.
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When- ... d+townsend

Also realize that you are allowed to disentangle yourself from your father and to go no contact with him.
You say that boundary setting behavior doesn't work...I suspect you are not setting boundaries (what you will do) but are trying to change him.

So saying "Dad don't touch the food on my plate" is not a boundary...you are trying to change his behavior.
Saying "Dad if you touch my food I will be leaving" and then leaving is a boundary.
Refusing to eat a meal with your father is a boundary.
Not contacting your father is a boundary.
Saying "i want to separate finances" is not a boundary.
Taking your money and not telling him what you are doing with it is a boundary.
If he asks and calls to find out what you aredoing...DON"T ANSWER THE PHONE!

But you might say "He'll get mad!" if I do that.


Really, so?

Now you might be so enmeshed with him that you need to extricate yourself financially before you start establishing those boundaries.
As far as your finances, how complicated is it?
Do you have joint bank accounts? If not, is he putting money in your accounts?
It could be as simple as withdrawing money, closing the account, and opening another.

For credit cards, maybe you need to contact the credit bureaus and do a credit freeze so others can't easily take out credit cards in your name. https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0 ... reeze-faqs

For everything else...stay away from him!
Societal norms says that we should spend time with out family....but that is under the assumption that family is not abusive!
Stop meeting up with him in person. Stop calling him or taking his calls.
He has trained you all your life to think you have to do what he says. You don't. You are a 45 year old adult. You can do what you want.

RE: your mother...first make sure she really has terminal cancer. It is a common tactic to get the child back into the fold of a PDer to use the "I'm dying/your mother is dying card." I know that sounds horrible..but often "Lets do a scan to rule out anything worse" turns into "it could be cancer" turns into "i'm being treated for cancer" turns into "I'm dying of cancer".
A Narcissist would be definitely capable of doing that you get you to return and take care of your mother.
Or maybe she really is. I would check with her doctor before you do anything.

 Post subject: Re: Separating from an aging/controlling OCPD father!
PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2017 4:21 pm 

Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2010 4:40 pm
Posts: 1314
Location: Suburbs of Atlanta
Dumb question here... how has your wife put up with this?

Liza Jane

Peace is the result of training your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be. ~ Wayne Dyer

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