Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

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 Post subject: Re: RT Lift-off...RikkiTikki's Chronicle
PostPosted: Sat Jul 09, 2016 10:30 pm 
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Joined: Thu Aug 28, 2014 1:09 pm
Posts: 2315
Over the top, even for me. LOL

it is a natural high, but my diet lately? Anything but.
Today I realized that I had the ingredients for a Fox's wedgie - 2 leftover pieces of pizza, lunchmeat, cheese lettuce and salad dressing. No microwave, so I tested out my new griddle on my new stove. Fabulous! Everyone here raved about it. I ate it when I was hungry, washed the dishes and left them to dry themselves. No one made a disparaging remark, sighed, looked angry or smelled up the place with a steaming pile of poo!! Juju, I'm freezing a slice of this to share with you - when you are ready, whenever it is; I'm a patient pal. I will have this slice of peaceful pie ready and waiting for you, my friend!

Just as I know that you will be ready with a hug when I stumble down from my little high.

_________________
RikkiTikki, 23 yrs married. July 2014 aware of OCPD, Sept 2016 divorced
XH=non-diag OCPD (Narc?) DS=21, DD=18
RL - Rekindled Love, BF from 20's Back in life

The beginning: rt-lift-off-rikkitikki-s-chronicle-t5072-2775.html


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 Post subject: Re: RT Lift-off...RikkiTikki's Chronicle
PostPosted: Sun Jul 10, 2016 10:16 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2014 7:16 pm
Posts: 2683
RikkiTikki wrote:
Over the top, even for me. LOL

it is a natural high, but my diet lately? Anything but.
Today I realized that I had the ingredients for a Fox's wedgie - 2 leftover pieces of pizza, lunchmeat, cheese lettuce and salad dressing. No microwave, so I tested out my new griddle on my new stove. Fabulous! Everyone here raved about it. I ate it when I was hungry, washed the dishes and left them to dry themselves. No one made a disparaging remark, sighed, looked angry or smelled up the place with a steaming pile of poo!! Juju, I'm freezing a slice of this to share with you - when you are ready, whenever it is; I'm a patient pal. I will have this slice of peaceful pie ready and waiting for you, my friend!

Just as I know that you will be ready with a hug when I stumble down from my little high.


Hey, I will step outside of my dietary constraints to have that slice with you! Wow! Nobody to tell you that you stacked the dishes wrong or followed up after you to pick up crumbs off the floor. Sounds like heaven!

And I will have that hug ready when you need it.


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 Post subject: Re: RT Lift-off...RikkiTikki's Chronicle
PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2016 10:54 am 
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Joined: Thu Aug 28, 2014 1:09 pm
Posts: 2315
Just posted a reply to Lambkins' most recent post about a narcissistic religious leaders who was fired and the seemingly backward take that the community has. I'm still interested and still wanting to understand, but much less imperative and excessive than before.

I'm just noticing in myself how much different I feel now that I've gotten out of my own head a little. The "less thinking; more doing" mantra is good for me. Realistically, the move and set up of my place has me so physically busy I don't have time to think much.

I feel better, healthier, lighter not trying to (obsessively) figure things out.

_________________
RikkiTikki, 23 yrs married. July 2014 aware of OCPD, Sept 2016 divorced
XH=non-diag OCPD (Narc?) DS=21, DD=18
RL - Rekindled Love, BF from 20's Back in life

The beginning: rt-lift-off-rikkitikki-s-chronicle-t5072-2775.html


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 Post subject: Re: RT Lift-off...RikkiTikki's Chronicle
PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2016 11:04 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2014 7:16 pm
Posts: 2683
RikkiTikki wrote:

I feel better, healthier, lighter not trying to (obsessively) figure things out.


All I can say to that is YAY!!!!


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 Post subject: Re: RT Lift-off...RikkiTikki's Chronicle
PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2016 1:38 pm 
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Joined: Thu Aug 28, 2014 1:09 pm
Posts: 2315
Not missing my H.

How can that be? We were a "couple" for over 25 years. I care about him, but I don't miss interacting with him. He isn't the first person I think of when I want to share an event from the day or a story or bounce an idea off or get a second opinion. He's just not.

He doesn't make me feel accepted or loved or good about myself. He made me feel more lonely, not less. Yep. Being alone is less lonely than being with someone who doesn't give you what you need emotionally.

It is pretty sad- though I don't feel sad. I feel relieved and good in my own skin.

_________________
RikkiTikki, 23 yrs married. July 2014 aware of OCPD, Sept 2016 divorced
XH=non-diag OCPD (Narc?) DS=21, DD=18
RL - Rekindled Love, BF from 20's Back in life

The beginning: rt-lift-off-rikkitikki-s-chronicle-t5072-2775.html


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 Post subject: Re: RT Lift-off...RikkiTikki's Chronicle
PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2016 1:58 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2015 7:26 pm
Posts: 588
This is how I felt too. I felt bad that I didn't feel bad...I didn't miss my H. A few months after separation I sat next to him at a school function...I remember thinking that I felt NOTHING toward the person next to me and was a bit stunned by it.

I was also much less lonely on my own - it was almost an immediate shift from the deep loneliness I felt in my marriage.


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 Post subject: Re: RT Lift-off...RikkiTikki's Chronicle
PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2016 2:48 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 20, 2009 9:56 pm
Posts: 2623
RikkiTikki wrote:
Not missing my H.

How can that be? We were a "couple" for over 25 years. I care about him, but I don't miss interacting with him. He isn't the first person I think of when I want to share an event from the day or a story or bounce an idea off or get a second opinion. He's just not.

He doesn't make me feel accepted or loved or good about myself. He made me feel more lonely, not less. Yep. Being alone is less lonely than being with someone who doesn't give you what you need emotionally.

It is pretty sad- though I don't feel sad. I feel relieved and good in my own skin.


This makes complete sense to me.


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 Post subject: Re: RT Lift-off...RikkiTikki's Chronicle
PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2016 3:57 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 12, 2015 2:20 pm
Posts: 547
I'm with you RT and LTF- I see my ex husband all the time and feel nothing for him. I have never felt so lonely as I was the past few years of my marriage. Amazing how that can be when you live with someone but they are not a true spouse.


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 Post subject: Re: RT Lift-off...RikkiTikki's Chronicle
PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2016 4:02 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2015 7:26 pm
Posts: 588
And on a side note - I also wonder if that profound loneliness contributed to me over compromising myself in an effort to make a connection with my H. I can't tell you how much HEALTHIER I feel not living under the weight of that lonely feeling.


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 Post subject: Re: RT Lift-off...RikkiTikki's Chronicle
PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2016 4:33 pm 
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Joined: Thu Aug 28, 2014 1:09 pm
Posts: 2315
What a tool. An emotional abuse tool - the sucking black hole vortex.

The void, lack of emotional connection causes us to over-reach, over-compromise, over-do; ultra- focused on HIM. Still to be left lacking, longing and coming up short. Lonely while completely consumed with HIM. Lonely with no time alone.

I begin to feel more filled-up (self-satisfied) when not having my being vacuumed out.
--------
The lack of enmeshment - like choking vines removed.
Introspection, soul searching, self-blame, rehashing of childhood, scrutiny of FOO - just unnecessary now. Suddenly there's not so much "wrong" with me.
--------
I'm happy to be sharing this part of the healing with you. Interesting that these feelings resonate, just as many things on the other side did. You guys just "get it" in ways that family and friends IRL simply (thankfully for them) can not.

_________________
RikkiTikki, 23 yrs married. July 2014 aware of OCPD, Sept 2016 divorced
XH=non-diag OCPD (Narc?) DS=21, DD=18
RL - Rekindled Love, BF from 20's Back in life

The beginning: rt-lift-off-rikkitikki-s-chronicle-t5072-2775.html


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 Post subject: Re: RT Lift-off...RikkiTikki's Chronicle
PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2016 7:40 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 26, 2010 5:24 pm
Posts: 980
Location: Texas
That was profound, RT. Thank you for sharing.

-lily

_________________
If you want to fly...you have to give up the stuff that weighs you down.


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 Post subject: Re: RT Lift-off...RikkiTikki's Chronicle
PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2016 10:12 pm 
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Joined: Thu Aug 28, 2014 1:09 pm
Posts: 2315
Thanks, Lily! You and the other girls inspired me - it's sort of like creepy poetry, no? LOL

_________________
RikkiTikki, 23 yrs married. July 2014 aware of OCPD, Sept 2016 divorced
XH=non-diag OCPD (Narc?) DS=21, DD=18
RL - Rekindled Love, BF from 20's Back in life

The beginning: rt-lift-off-rikkitikki-s-chronicle-t5072-2775.html


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 Post subject: Re: RT Lift-off...RikkiTikki's Chronicle
PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2016 9:20 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 12, 2015 2:20 pm
Posts: 547
It is not creepy RT- it is your truth. And I agree that there isn't so much wrong with you- a bad relationship can make us feel like that at times, but you are discovering that you are whole and complete and worthy. Thank you for sharing it!


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 Post subject: Re: RT Lift-off...RikkiTikki's Chronicle
PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2016 11:06 am 
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Joined: Thu Aug 28, 2014 1:09 pm
Posts: 2315
Maybe not creepy poetry...dark? Sad? I'm beginning to understand the impact that my relationship had on me. Having been on the receiving end of so much blame, I make an effort not to do that to others. (Plus the conditioning of never being allowed to hold H responsible or call him out on his behaviors-"blame" to him).

I see think now the obvious wording that I did not use yearerday is: "I do not miss my abuser." That is still difficult for me to use the label.

_________________
RikkiTikki, 23 yrs married. July 2014 aware of OCPD, Sept 2016 divorced
XH=non-diag OCPD (Narc?) DS=21, DD=18
RL - Rekindled Love, BF from 20's Back in life

The beginning: rt-lift-off-rikkitikki-s-chronicle-t5072-2775.html


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 Post subject: Re: RT Lift-off...RikkiTikki's Chronicle
PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2016 10:34 pm 
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Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2014 7:16 pm
Posts: 2683
Wow! This IS profound! And I cant wait to join you, to not have to worry about dotting my i's and crossing my t's. Soul freedom. And I cant wait to flirt again. I dont want to actually date anybody, but being able to smile at someone, get a look or SOMETHING. That would be nice again. That's all I will want for a long while anyway. I am going to reread these posts over and over. It is so encouraging.

Editing to add that I do feel relief when dh comes home at night, but not because it is him. It is help. But I dont miss HIM. It could be anyone else. Sad huh?


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