Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: Request to Join
PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2016 12:40 pm 
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Joined: Mon Oct 31, 2016 12:07 pm
Posts: 2
Hello,

May I be added to this forum?


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 Post subject: Re: Request to Join
PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2016 1:42 pm 
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Site Admin

Joined: Tue Nov 04, 2008 3:12 pm
Posts: 715
Hi needprayers,

needprayers wrote:
Hello,

May I be added to this forum?


You need to explain in more detail if you think you have OCPD, and if so, why you think you have it.

Sincerely, Paul
OCPD forum manager


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 Post subject: Re: Request to Join
PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2016 2:17 pm 
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Joined: Mon Oct 31, 2016 12:07 pm
Posts: 2
Thanks Paul - here goes:

I believe I have comorbid OCD and OCPD. I spent several weeks in a psychiatric ward (involuntary) this past summer for suicidal ideation and severe anxiety. I have not been diagnosed - I have a fear of seeing doctors after what happened.

To sum up my disorder - I feel like I have to conform to a jar. The jar is safe and is made up of rules and order. If I try to leave the jar (which I have been trying to), i feel inhuman, like I cannot survive, like I don't exist. My mind races, my body hurts. I need to get back inside my jar.

I am in my mid 30s. I have always felt "off" - I grew up with very strict parenting (I was physically, verbally and emotionally "disciplined" ) and as a result had issues with perfectionism (ie. if I achieve perfect grades, perhaps my parents will love me?) throughout my life. I also struggle with body focused repetitive behaviors/self harm in my attempt to attain "perfection." I have very strict morals about ***/lifestyle choices but I have no reasoning or basis for why I feel these things.

Beginning from my teens. I recall having a certain set of "rules" and order in which I have to operate. The rules must be done in order. I do not allow myself to progress unless I completely and perfectly execute my order. Certain steps in life which must be done perfectly. This goes from the marco stuff like, I have to have a perfect education, a perfect job, perfect body, perfect life routine - and once those things are in place, then I feel I can have a relationship, get married, have children. I never even attained step 1 ever - so I have been living this limbo for a long time. It also spans to micro aspects of my daily life - I have to repeatedly keep an orderly house, car, workspace, my finances have to be regulated and managed on a daily basis, then I allow myself to eat, sleep, take a shower, rest and relax, then I can take care of my physical health like going to the doctor or dentist - within each of these steps, I also have a specific order and rules about how things are done. I have to redo them over and over again until they feel perfect. It takes days to execute (this past weekend, I cleaned my house for 32 hours nonstop without food or rest)

I am never able to attain step 1 - I clean my house to the point of wiping every wall and crevice, but the minute I use anything, I deem it "imperfect" and have to restart. As a result of the constant anxiety to be perfect, my physical health has deteriorated over the years - I have been in surgery 4 times for various tumors. I am now chronically ill - to the point where I cant feel my hands and feet, but I still require my steps to be executed, or else I feel unwell, broken.

I always thought I was ok - but my life has become unmanageable recently. I noticed a general decline 5 years ago after an abusive relationship (I am still with him, despite knowing it will not work, but feel so damaged that I have no other choice) triggered mental illness. This year, a string of very stressful events happened and I am now crippled by my disorder. I cannot do anything because I can no longer execute my steps. There are days where I am paralyzed (literally, frozen) - I cannot eat, sleep, go to the washroom etc. because I have not executed my rules and orders properly in order to allow myself those things.

I'm fully aware that these rules and order is arbitrary and illogical. I just don't know how to manage them.


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 Post subject: Re: Request to Join
PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2016 2:49 pm 
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Site Admin

Joined: Tue Nov 04, 2008 3:12 pm
Posts: 715
Hi needprayers,

OK I did add you to OCPDonly so you can view the OCPDonly message board which should appear at the bottom of the forum list. Unfortunately there's been very little activity there for the last few months.

Also, your username becomes the color green, so other members will know you identify as having OCPD, which I think can be helpful. A kind of shortcut way of telling your story.

I think your situation helps point up the difficulty in people supporting each other, as your particular combination of OCD and OCPD and other issues seems unique. It's especially hard to support each other anonymously on the internet. But I do hope you get something good out of participating in the forum. I just don't know how much support you'll get.

Sincerely, Paul


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