Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: Re: How did you leave?
PostPosted: Wed Jun 08, 2016 7:29 pm 

Joined: Mon Jul 13, 2015 7:38 am
Posts: 18
Thank you, @Lambkins70!

 Post subject: Re: How did you leave?
PostPosted: Tue Jun 21, 2016 6:36 pm 

Joined: Tue Oct 28, 2014 7:15 pm
Posts: 651
Hi Cat,
I left my H about 4 months ago. It was gut-wrenching and we have a 6 year old son who was very distressed when it happened. I hit a bottom with him where I knew that if I stayed with him it would take me down emotionally and physically and I am a cancer survivor. I had made a promise to myself that if he ever crossed a particular boundary - which was being emotionally abusive while I was sick I wouldn't stay one more day. That happened over Valentines weekend - I had a stomach flu and was throwing up all day and night. He yelled at me for letting our son jump on my bed where I was resting in fetal position nauseated beyond belief. Then we argued and he didn't check on me and gave me the silent treatment. This was the beginning of a hellacious weekend. So due to many factors i moved out in the middle of the day while he was gone - and if you read my threads my whole story is on this board which also helps me remember why I left when he is being nice during our now co-parenting stage. I am doing better each day and my son is actually great right now. He is very happy.

 Post subject: Re: How did you leave?
PostPosted: Thu May 18, 2017 10:31 am 

Joined: Tue Mar 11, 2014 4:02 pm
Posts: 162
Lambkins70 wrote:
You can love someone no matter what without letting them ruin your life and make you miserable.

This is what I needed to hear at this moment. Trying to process my thoughts about wanting to leave my OCPD spouse. I need to accept that I may always have some type of love for him, but that doesn't excuse the misery his presence brings to my life. The feeling of misery far outwieghs the feeling of love, tho.

 Post subject: Re: How did you leave?
PostPosted: Thu May 18, 2017 10:51 am 

Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:08 pm
Posts: 627
Mermaid: There is a website called marriagebuilders.com and they have a concept of Emotional Needs and the Love Bank.

If your Love Bank balance is in the black, you feel in love. If it is in the red (negative), you do not feel in love.
To make deposits, you meet Emotional Needs. To take withdrawals, your partner does Love Busters.

Emotional Needs:
Sexual Fulfillment
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment

Love Busters:
Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior

The problem is that you probably think Wow...my partner is all about the Love Busters and not so much with the Emotional Need meeting...and because of this personality disorder he cannot realize that his natural instincts are Love Busters and that he should stop them.

You may think about "unconditional love"....but with a romantic partner, there is no such thing...you feel in love if your needs are met and you don't if they are not. He is not meeting your needs and is incapable of doing so.

 Post subject: Re: How did you leave?
PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2017 10:47 pm 

Joined: Fri Feb 10, 2017 7:32 pm
Posts: 45
Hi Cat44,

You don't mention whether or not your husband has an OCPD diagnosis. This makes a big difference in the type of advice you will receive. If he doesn't know but might be open to the idea, you have a set of options. If he doesn't believe he does or isn't willing to ever acknowledge a diagnosis, you have a different set of options that might make more sense. If you have 30 years invested and he is seeking treatment, you may find you have a more positive set of options for the two of you. You know all of the ins and out of your situation. But I feel compelled to post as someone mentioned hiding money from your spouse in an attempt to leave. Two wrongs most certainly don't make a right. Now if he is being abusive, those are some extenuating circumstances in which I could understand having to be underhanded in order to be able to escape. But if you two are simply struggling in your marriage, I think it would be terrible to advise you to resort to deceit. I'm not defending his OCPD behavior and not suggesting you stay with him. I'm just suggesting if you have to leave, do it in a way that isn't going to make you feel like you sunk to his level. Also, it doesn't sound like you've let him know you're considering leaving. Telling him that might result in changes you never thought possible. I have a video series I do and I've had people PM me about positive results they've had from just opening up and being completely honest.

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