Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: Re: New to forum. Left H 3 mos. need support
PostPosted: Thu Mar 23, 2017 1:32 pm 

Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 12:58 pm
Posts: 74
Hi All,

It's been a while, so I thought it would be good to post an update.

The divorce is going slow, mostly due to attorneys. H is getting really frustrated with mine. He is working on securing a jumbo loan to buy me out of the house. His friends convinced him that we should not sell the house to others. We live in a very desired area, so I assume he thinks the house will continue to go up in value. 5 bed/4 bath house for one guy...but I assume he may rent out rooms. We are barely speaking, barely emailing,barely meeting-just enough to continue the divorce process. He is all business, cold, and distant, which was the H I expected right off the bat, (but was surprised with a month of hoovering right after we moved out). I expected this current behavior from based on blindsiding him with the D. So it was coming to me. After a lot of reflection, I know that we moved out in a way that was for the best for the girls and me, but bad for him, and I will have to live with that. We basically exchange payments for things and the last 2 meetings lasted 20 minutes each.

Girls are continuing to do well. Older daughter is my chef in the apt. She shops and cooks and does laundry. She is continuing to do well at our community college and is pretty set on pursuing nursing as a career. Her plan is to apply to nursing school in about 2 years once her pre-reqs are completed. She has a bit of fear for a few different things and has stopped taking public transit for a few months, so I have been driving her. I told her that come next semester, she has to take the train/bus. I have told her repeatedly to look into counseling to help since she is an adult and I cannot do it for her. Hopefully she will get that done. She is still seizure-free, thank goodness!. Still on meds. She has decided to delay tapering off meds for now. So no driving yet.

My younger daughter will be graduating in a few short months and will be attending college in Southern California. She is excited and anxious at the same time. She found a therapist that she will see between now and August that she likes so I hope that will work for her. Hopefully her social anxiety will be addressed and she will be able to adjust to being away at college. Seeing a therapist on campus once a week is covered with her tuition, so she said she will be doing that. Her high school will be performing at Carnegie Hall in NYC next month so my older daughter and I will be flying there for a long weekend to see them perform, do a little sightseeing and take in a few Broadway shows. We are so looking forward to it!

Me-well...doing a bit better, I think. I have good days and bad. In hindsight, which is always 20/20, I wished that I could have had the courage/ability to look at our lives more objectively to see that there were resources out there, like all of you, and perhaps I could have figured out a way to save my family from disintegration. But I was too focused on getting through each day, maintaining my job, caring for my ill daughter, and trying to stay clear of the husband land mines. And as much as a part of me thinks the "if's", I know for sure that he would not have changed even with me supporting him through it. The end result would be that he would not have gone to therapy, even if I begged, and I would have come across as weak to him to even suggest that there was a problem with "him" or "us". The problem would have ended up being "me". He would have dismissed the whole thing, and I would have come across to him as an idiot. So there you have it. I will go down as the bad one in this. So be it. I can't change it. It is done. My therapist says that I need to stop thinking and worrying about him, as that is what I was programmed to do for 26 yrs and that I need to think about ME and try to be less selfless. My comeback to that is that I am afraid to be too selfish. She said that would never happen because I was conditioned to put myself last always and to even get myself 1/2 way will be a struggle for me. I agree. But I forge on.

I have a phone conference with my atty today so hopefully i get good news and we can target a date to get the divorce signed off and be able to think of him much less, and move on with my life. I had 3 nightmares about dealing with him last night. :(

Thanks for listening and posting. Always helps.


 Post subject: Re: New to forum. Left H 3 mos. need support
PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2017 6:44 pm 

Joined: Thu Aug 28, 2014 1:09 pm
Posts: 2315

I have only been popping in here and there so will try to go back to refresh myself on your story. Sounds eerily similar to my own and to many non's here.

I just want to say stay strong and keep moving forward. My T said very similar things to me, as I doubted myself and feared that I was being mean. It's just how we were controlled for decades.

It's hard to leave the life we have built with the person we imagine our partner to be. Mine turned out to be someone altogether different. Focus on you, your daughters and building a new future.


RikkiTikki, 23 yrs married. July 2014 aware of OCPD, Sept 2016 divorced
XH=non-diag OCPD (Narc?) DS=21, DD=18
RL - Rekindled Love, BF from 20's Back in life

The beginning: rt-lift-off-rikkitikki-s-chronicle-t5072-2775.html

 Post subject: Re: New to forum. Left H 3 mos. need support
PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2017 11:51 am 

Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 12:58 pm
Posts: 74
Hi Rikki,

Thanks for your thoughtful response. Always feel good when someone who has been through it understands. Your story is very similar to mine. Are you happy with your choice? I hope I will be down the road. My main regret is that I should have followed my gut instinct to go to counseling and researched so I could have figured out he has this before the love was drained from my heart. Maybe then changing how I dealt with him would have made a difference? Who knows. Probably would have ended the same way. Most mental health professionals have said that the way I handled him in the marriage was the right way and that the way I started divorce process was the best for me and my girls. But I will always have the guilt that I hurt him so bad. Gotta live with it. My girls are continuing to do well. Divorce is not signed off yet. Last meeting we had was ugly, so I am letting the attorneys finish it. Hopefully soon.


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