Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Thu Apr 27, 2017 12:16 am 
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Joined: Thu Aug 28, 2014 1:09 pm
Posts: 2315
DF,

Checking in on you as you move through this difficult time of great change. I'm glad that you're able to notice and enjoy the peace and quiet. I don't think you're wrong for maintaining a civil relationship through the process while trying to be clear about the reality of the future.

Once the situation is more resolved and you don't need to work together or have as much contact, you (and possibly he) can choose to pull back further.

Hugs!

RT

_________________
RikkiTikki, 23 yrs married. July 2014 aware of OCPD, Sept 2016 divorced
XH=non-diag OCPD (Narc?) DS=21, DD=18
RL - Rekindled Love, BF from 20's Back in life

The beginning: rt-lift-off-rikkitikki-s-chronicle-t5072-2775.html


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Thu Apr 27, 2017 10:44 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2017 7:56 am
Posts: 49
Quote:
Do I regret leaving him? NO. Would things have changed if I had stayed, pushed, tried something? NO NO NO. It was not going to. After all of those years, the counseling, the changing me, trying to help. Part of me is sorry I did no leave sooner, but its ok. I have left NOW. I know I will get through this and I will have to process, have my ups and downs. I love the quiet in the evenings.


Reading your two year ordeal helped me. I knew I didn't want to spend that much of my life trying to change someone who in all likelihood couldn't be changed (and in my case, was clearly signaling he didn't want to).

Thank you for your struggles :)

I feel like I owe you for (mostly) not regretting that I've chosen now to leave.

_________________
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪
Take a bow,
the night is over
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Thu May 04, 2017 9:17 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 425
thenightisover wrote:
Quote:
Do I regret leaving him? NO. Would things have changed if I had stayed, pushed, tried something? NO NO NO. It was not going to. After all of those years, the counseling, the changing me, trying to help. Part of me is sorry I did no leave sooner, but its ok. I have left NOW. I know I will get through this and I will have to process, have my ups and downs. I love the quiet in the evenings.


Reading your two year ordeal helped me. I knew I didn't want to spend that much of my life trying to change someone who in all likelihood couldn't be changed (and in my case, was clearly signaling he didn't want to).

Thank you for your struggles :)

I feel like I owe you for (mostly) not regretting that I've chosen now to leave.


Thank you for your kind words, I wanted to both document this process so I could see what was going on ( I noticed my softening of memories) and also provide others with some experience including techniques and perspective.

More people at work now know about my divorce, which I have mentioned causally. A close co-worker of mine discussed her marital situation - with righteous indignation, insistence of being right, ownership of the truth, inability to execute. The multi hour battles. It appears that our husbands may be 'brothers' :( . I sent her the link to "The RIGHT Stuff" article and mentioned this site to her for research.


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Thu May 04, 2017 9:30 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 425
Update - We are moving forward with listing the house. We continue to be amicable in this process though the anxiety of things is ramping him up. He continues to be helpful at my place for certain things and dog sitting when I had to attend a funeral this past weekend. (can't have just 1 thing going on must have many things LOL). Clock is ticking to final papers, he has signed them but we have continued conversations that indicate he could do a freak out so I am keeping it light, positive, and focused on NOW. Other notes from our recent conversation.

1. He is happy because I can no longer control him.
2. I am the reason he has not achieved his pilot's license.
3. He admires my business ability and my fantastic business mind.
4. I don't understand how I effect people in conversations and discussions.
5. He is getting 'pennies' while I am keeping everything
6. He has been TOLD how things are going to happen
7. I don't know how to communicate - I just TELL people what to do and MAKE them do things
8. He is happy that I am helping him with his car search and explaining the real estate items to him.

So - blame, projection, lashing out, anger...... It has been very interesting. He goes there and I just listen to him. There is no reason to JADE here. It is so far from reality there is no reason to defend. Also continual reminders that I have done the right thing.

I bring him back to - here is where we are now. I want to handle this with compassion and kindness. He tries to go off with " I have been asking for this for years" I come back to I cant change what happened last week or last year, all I have is now.

Get the house listed and sold.
Get to final papers.

I know my focus and my path.

Dragonfly21


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2017 11:05 pm 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 425
This has been a difficult week for me. Busy at work, new promotion, additional department. Very exciting but overloading my plate. Had a confusion issue with a change of date I received from the court for the divorce and when I was emailing then court the staff person indicated i had not done it correctly and here is what I need to do to correct it and it resets the waiting period. So dealing with this as I go from meeting to meeting on Friday and book a conference room to cry and get myself balanced and then keep going. Turns out he was incorrect and apologized in an email late in the day but I was exhausted with all of it.

Mothers day is hard as I lost my mother to illness several years ago. This has been a stressful year and did not help things. StBXH is trying to be helpful as he knows this is hard time, but that is messy also as we are in the middle of "A moment of clarity"

I posted on another's question who was experiencing this but did not realize it. I am in the middle of one now with my STBXH. An event - me moving out and filing divorce is a significant "Moment of Clarity". He is truly concerned about what will happen next, he sees the errors of his ways and is working hard now to show a different side of himself. He tells me about his meditation, his studying things of the mind to change his mindset and outlook, moving forward with what he wants to do with aviation. He asks questions about financing and real estate. It sounds SO wonderful, SO great. I KNOW IT WILL NOT LAST, I KNOW IT FOR WHAT IT IS. The glimpse of him trying and working hard, knowing that in time OCPD will ROB him of that and it will change. The compassion I show for him now and trying to be kind will be called out to be manipulative, and lying and whatever else comes up that changes his perception of the past.

When I first saw this "moment of clarity" happen regarding our divorce, I was angry. IT WAS A LIE! Now as it has in the past, makes me sad and hurts deeply. To see the forward progress to know that it will all be lost and consumed, washed away by the OCPD. I cannot fix it but I mourn the loss. With everything else this week, this has added to my saddness. I have a good place that I live, my animals, and a calm peace that I appreciate. I will continue down this path. Painful but only way to the other side is through the chaos. I will get there.

Dragonfly21


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2017 9:50 am 
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Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 9:37 am
Posts: 1
Dragonfly,
I am a recent lurker, new member. I followed your entire thread and wanted to tell you how much it helped me. As you mentioned, there might be others out there for whom your story would help, and I am one. In my case, it is a sibling, who has always been obsessive, but after some major midlife changes has ramped up the OCPD considerably, just as you predicted. I am really struggling trying to figure out how to relate to this "new" person, who probably isn't new at all, just a technicolor version of what they were before. So I'm reading, learning, and reflecting. In the meantime, thank you for contributing this thoughtful and detailed diary, which I am sure has helped so many people.

I hope things continue to move forward in the divorce as well as can be so that you can blossom in your new life without your STBX's anxieties constantly weighing you down. You gave this relationship every opportunity to succeed. Time to move on with a clear conscience.

We're only on this planet for a brief period. This is your time. Very best wishes!


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Tue May 30, 2017 9:49 pm 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 425
SibStory wrote:
Dragonfly,
I am a recent lurker, new member. I followed your entire thread and wanted to tell you how much it helped me. As you mentioned, there might be others out there for whom your story would help, and I am one. In my case, it is a sibling, who has always been obsessive, but after some major midlife changes has ramped up the OCPD considerably, just as you predicted. I am really struggling trying to figure out how to relate to this "new" person, who probably isn't new at all, just a technicolor version of what they were before. So I'm reading, learning, and reflecting. In the meantime, thank you for contributing this thoughtful and detailed diary, which I am sure has helped so many people.

I hope things continue to move forward in the divorce as well as can be so that you can blossom in your new life without your STBX's anxieties constantly weighing you down. You gave this relationship every opportunity to succeed. Time to move on with a clear conscience.

We're only on this planet for a brief period. This is your time. Very best wishes!


Thank you SibStory, for your kind words. I wanted to have a history so I could really see how things were going when I would minimize things or think, maybe this was not that bad, when it really was. What was becoming my normal was NOT normal. I wanted to be able to reflect as needed and truly know that I did everything I could. Helping others if I could, was important too. In the end we are all family.

Dragonfly21


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Tue May 30, 2017 10:33 pm 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 425
It has been awhile since I posted. Things continue to move forward and less than 2 months until final. STBXH and I spent what I realize now too much time together over the long weekend. Nothing bad happened, he was his charming self and we did some activities that we both enjoy and have been a part of our lives. There is a friendship that we have though I do believe he is hoping that things will change later and perhaps an opportunity to get back together. I was sad and cried this morning, not that I miss him, its that I miss a person that never existed - the loss of hope/dream/what could have been.

Getting the house sold and to final is my focus and keeping thing light and calm is key. He has wanted to help me with some of the projects I have in my rental, which I have graciously accepted but making sure he not overextended or taking away from his time. I would like to think this will not be used against me when his moment of clarity fades, but I am a realist and he will remember it a different way. For now, angry man is not present. He cannot be because I do not allow it.

Here is a post from Dan Waldschmidt - 12 rules Awesome people live by

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/12-rules ... SO7g%3D%3D

11. Avoid any negative influences in your day-to-day life. — Negativity will break your spirit and smother any motivation you might feel. Get away from people who bring you down. Make it a conscious effort. You aren’t going to fix them. They are going to break you.

The last sentence really resonated with me. I added the BOLD and underline. I believe this to be true. I did everything I could and I was now breaking down. I choose not to live like that anymore.

Keep moving forward.

dragonfly21


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2017 11:21 pm 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 425
We are 29 days from final. Again I am spending more time with him on the weekends than I should. I can tell on Mondays afterward. Again, I don't want him back and do not feel a physical attraction to him, it is just a pull of the past. Common history, experiences, and comfort around each other. He also misses the dogs and I can tell they miss him also.

I wanted to document this conversation we had on Saturday. We have listed the house and it has been on the market (which is hot) for a month. Have had a several showings but no offers. We dropped the price on Monday last week and attempting to have a conversation with him about a number - basically his net from the sale of the house, spirals into a I don't know, my number is already gone, and then the conversation will spin off into I did not want to do this, you are calling the shots, projection demand resistance, etc. This has been an interesting exercise over the past month because it is all I can do to not yell at him, ITS A NUMBER NOT A FEELING! What is that number? The conversation spiraled out and I want to document some summary points here.

I was told I did not have empathy.
- I said I do not agree with him (Projection)
He cannot trust me with financial decisions (projection again)
- My thought - I cannot trust him with financial decisions which is why I managed all bills and paid all the housing expenses for most of our time together because he could not be trusted and he did not make enough .
H - This number from the house (whatever that number is) Does not represent my entire contribution
- My response - no it does not the 45K I invested from my 401K, my sole support of the household for over 8 years of our life together, and you keeping the proceeds from the sale of the aircraft that I have made the majority of the payments of is.

He spiraled to I made him purchase the business and I have brought it up to I have to control everything and never supported him when he had asked for money - I reminded him that he wanted money for his license when I was being underpaid after getting back to work after being being laid off for 8 months burning through savings, and some 401k to keep the house going because his job could not. (yeah can't trust ME with financial decisions..... :roll: )

We had some additional dialogue and he did manage to calm down after awhile. I just stopped taking the bait and reminded him that we are here NOW it is June of 2017.

Even when we spend too much time together, there appears to be a conversation each time that is yet another reminder of yes, I am doing the right thing.

I know after final I will need to set some structure and distance. He sent me a text when he was traveling that he would like to show me this area if we could get to a place where that could happen. We will never get to that place, it will not happen but I did not text that. He also talked about going dancing a few weeks ago, something that I have always loved and asked him several times over the years. And it comes up now. :roll: Sad, no point in commenting or calling him out. It serves no purpose now.

Keep on Keeping on

Dragonfly21


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2017 11:34 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2017 7:56 am
Posts: 49
What action can you take to avoid spending too much time with him? What would just enough time look like?

_________________
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪
Take a bow,
the night is over
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 9:18 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 425
thenightisover wrote:
What action can you take to avoid spending too much time with him? What would just enough time look like?


I have given this topic alot of thought over the past month. We are under 30 days until final so I want to keep that balance until after that. I need to be more busy with other things - work, events, social activities. I have been here about a year and am now building friendships and reaching out. This is a good sized community with great outdoor and cultural activities. The people that own the place where I boarded my horses invited me over for their 3 year old's birthday party yesterday. I went. I am connecting with other horse people and now will plan riding activities, wine tastings, museums, music. I have decided that I will be busy alot more and will not be available.

He traveling more for his work, which is good - more money for him. Cutting down on texting also. Not responding right away. Keeping things short. A slow shift.

Enough time would involve an afternoon where I am helping at the house organize something - garage etc, and spending time with the dogs, walking hiking with them. That is plenty.

Thank you for asking

Dragonfly21


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 10:01 am 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2017 7:56 am
Posts: 49
You're on top of things! :D

_________________
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪
Take a bow,
the night is over
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪


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