Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: Re: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 11:15 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2011 4:07 am
Posts: 985
Hi Annie,

As to the fights and rants. The view is that OCPD is related to a shortage of a chemical in the brain. This induces anxiety, which is soothed by the rules - to some extent. Another way of getting the low level in the brain to a higher level is the ranting and the fights, for some at least. So the fight is actually a shot for them. That is why the fights have a more or less fixed duration (3-4 hours), never mind the subject or the trigger or the excuse for the fight.

It is by the way no accident that he put you in a position of dependency. You are his fix, so he needs to have a feeling of control over you, otherwise you would be another source of anxiety.

And if you give in now, he will be certain you will give in later as well. A very slippery slope...

I left after 34 years and if I am frank, it feels uncomfortably like a slave run away ... Do it while you still have the guts...


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 Post subject: Re: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 1:13 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2017 7:56 am
Posts: 41
My parents apparently felt something was wrong in my relationship/marriage but never said anything as long as I conveyed I was happy. When I told them I wasn't, they were there for me. My dad, his friends, and my friends helped me move out. The amount of support I've received from the people who CARE about me (never realized that wouldn't include my husband) has been amazing.

You can take both cats if you don't fly alone.

Some people might be surprised by what has happened and others might take it in stride based on their own observations.

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 Post subject: Re: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 5:21 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 03, 2017 8:46 pm
Posts: 6
I make excuses. Yet another thing that drives him crazy about me...

I would have the support of my friends and family in a heartbeat - if I asked for it - but taking that step is terrifying because it finalizes my decision. There would be no turning back at that point to pursue the life that I want to have with him so badly. It isn't all negative ... but moving in with him has stirred up a different set of dynamics that neither of us can really cope with effectively.

There is one area where I do have control though...and where I could probably wield my power from if I wanted to play into his 'power-over' games. His parents. He has struggled his entire life trying to appease them; never living up to his father's standards, never receiving validation or positive affirmation - only criticism, only highlights of his shortcomings and dysfunctions (sound familiar, anyone?) Well, they adore me... I remember a time when his dad said he was surprised that my SO hasn't yet ruined this relationship just like the others. If I ever left my SO or if he ever left me, it would be perceived as another one of his inadequacies.... so once the dust settles and his tantrum is finished, he knows he cannot lose me. And as I type this I can't help but wonder if love is a determinant at all in this for him.... or if it's just his obsession with maintaining another facade of perfection.

Faced with my ultimatum, he agreed to get us a referral for couples' counselling this week from his psychologist. Again, what motivates him to keep this relationship intact...? can he really not live without me or can he not bear the social, familial, personal implications of a failed engagement?

This is messed up.

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 Post subject: Re: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2017 1:32 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:08 pm
Posts: 608
Quote:
Something that really resonated with me "To an OCPDer, everything is at the highest priority...." this is BEYOND the truth. There is always a sense of urgency attached to everything he does, and then no matter what, I get dragged into whatever task it is that he MUST get done aka he uses me as his gopher but sees it as teamwork.


What is the deal with that? MY ocpdH always wants me to be a gopher .... I now start every project with "Have you got all the tools you need?" because otherwise he will stand on a ladder waiting until I go fetch the tool he needs.


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 Post subject: Re: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2017 2:00 pm 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 417
AnnieBanannie wrote:
I make excuses. Yet another thing that drives him crazy about me...

I would have the support of my friends and family in a heartbeat - if I asked for it - but taking that step is terrifying because it finalizes my decision. There would be no turning back at that point to pursue the life that I want to have with him so badly. It isn't all negative ... but moving in with him has stirred up a different set of dynamics that neither of us can really cope with effectively.

There is one area where I do have control though...and where I could probably wield my power from if I wanted to play into his 'power-over' games. His parents. He has struggled his entire life trying to appease them; never living up to his father's standards, never receiving validation or positive affirmation - only criticism, only highlights of his shortcomings and dysfunctions (sound familiar, anyone?) Well, they adore me... I remember a time when his dad said he was surprised that my SO hasn't yet ruined this relationship just like the others. If I ever left my SO or if he ever left me, it would be perceived as another one of his inadequacies.... so once the dust settles and his tantrum is finished, he knows he cannot lose me. And as I type this I can't help but wonder if love is a determinant at all in this for him.... or if it's just his obsession with maintaining another facade of perfection.

Faced with my ultimatum, he agreed to get us a referral for couples' counselling this week from his psychologist. Again, what motivates him to keep this relationship intact...? can he really not live without me or can he not bear the social, familial, personal implications of a failed engagement?

This is messed up.



I was happy to read this AB, NOT because this is happening, but because you are a strong, resilient, resourceful person. :D I can also tell that you still have hope. I would be VERY mindful of the MC that is chosen by your fiancee's counselor. My counselor suggested the MC we went to and if you read my thread she had very good reasons for that. I also documented how those sessions went. Your fiancee might be fine with this as long as the counselor does not imply he is wrong or what he is doing is toxic. When that happens, demand resistance sets in and you will probably see a familiar argument pattern happen between your fiancee and the counselor. Depending on the counselor and your fiancee, he may be able to manipulate the counselor to his side and you will have 2 of them telling you that you are wrong. I would say be prepared.

I hope you will continue to gain insight with your situation and I also suggest that you continue to plan for a possible exit by stashing as much cash as you possibly can. Should things go south, having a cash cushion would be helpful. Have you thought about starting to look for a separate spot for you and your kitties? There is NO reason you can't still be together, but some space may give you some clarity and calm. You do not need to announce that to him, I would keep that in the back of your mind. From what you mentioned about the market where you are at and your furbabies, it is something to consider.

Hugs to you during this time.

Dragonfly21


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 Post subject: Re: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2017 5:49 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:08 pm
Posts: 608
Why should you leave?
Was it his place?
Were you there before him?
WHo is on the lease?

Do they have women's shelters near you? Can you talk to them about strategies to get HIM out?


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 Post subject: Re: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Sun May 21, 2017 2:22 am 
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Joined: Tue May 31, 2011 4:50 pm
Posts: 383
AB,

Re. couples' counseling:

Keep in mind that often a couples counselor will be oriented toward mutual compromise, a sort of "meet in the middle" approach. Obviously, this isn't always true, but it's common. In my case, however, I'd done all the compromising up to that point so I was so far from where I started I no longer even knew who I was. It was always one more thing. There was no "good enough." But initially, the marriage counselor had no way of knowing that and was oriented toward moving each of us to middle ground. But half way to disordered is still disordered. Eventually the counselor began to see what was going on - but not before he gave my ex more ammunition to fire at me. Keep your eyes open!


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 Post subject: Re: The future looks tired
PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2017 1:24 pm 
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Joined: Fri May 12, 2017 9:56 am
Posts: 4
I would try to get away and move on, I have lived this for 22 years and it's has only gotten worse with his age. Prayers for you and all of us who love someone with ocpd.


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