Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: New To Board - Married to Man Who I think has OCPD
PostPosted: Mon May 08, 2017 1:42 pm 
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Joined: Mon May 08, 2017 1:22 pm
Posts: 2
Married 24 years, known him 30 years. 2 kids who are now teenagers (married 10 years before first one. Maybe I could have managed if we didn't have kids. I never was driven to change who he was. But in bringing up kids together, I have challenged him for the last 14 years. This has brought me to the realization that I am constantly changing for him, making myself bend to his wishes. Maybe I don't want that for the next 30 years of my life (married young at 23). He does not see it that way at all.

Things must be done his way. He has absolutely no personal relationships besides me - his family is cut off from him by him. He tries to cut me off from my family. He wants my world to revolve around him and how he wants things. I did that before the kids and it worked out fine. Now the kids are old enough to be pushing me and telling me that I am always compromising to him and he is always getting his way. When I hold my ground or at least attempt to push back and have a slight discussion, he begins digging up examples of how 'We did things your way" and look where it got us.

I am very successful in my career. Despite being very intelligent - I mean extremely - he constantly has conflict in every position he has held. They are never satisfying to him because no one does things his way. So I have become the ultimate breadwinner for the family but in his mind I put the job before family.

Two years ago after much negotiation with my husband, we got a dog. The dog was something I wanted and the kids wanted. He did not want one because it would be something that could not be controlled. After much research, he came to me with a "gift" -- he would agree to get a dog but it would have to be the breed that he picked out. A Belgian Malinois. I did no research and jumped in and said yes. Now he spends about 3-4 hours a day with the dog because this dog is a very high energy dog and requires training and exercise. I will admit -- the dog is perfect. The dog follows every command and obeys every rule that my husband sets down. But I am not even allowed to make dinner for the dog. It is his dog and the kids cannot do anything that might "ruin the training". We only can go on vacations as a family that include the dog now because he cannot even think of allowing the dog to be kept overnight by anyone else. I write this because I do think the situation with the dog has made me realize that my husband has OCPD. He loves that dog in a way that I don't think he can love anyone else because the dog follows every rule he sets out. I feel happy for him that he has that relationship but the sad thing is that the dog and my husband have a better relationship than I do with him and as for the kids, well, my husband has said many times that "We should have never had them. I hate them."

He is seeing a therapist because I sat down in December with him to separate and it drove him to begging for a chance to work on things. He is very smart, and I have not met with his therapist. I am sure she is giving him some guidance but not aware of his true isuses. I am reaching out to get some help for myself right now. Should I try a marriage counseler? I have been googling like crazy to find someone who can specialize in this disorder but can't find it.

And, if I decide just to bite the bullet and separate, how do I do that with him? How do I bring it up? There is no way he will ever see he might have this disorder. He is perfect and everyone around him is flawed. I would love thoughts / guidance from those of you who have been there.

I loved him deeply -- I never thought I would get married. He challenges me in so many positive ways. I am never bored intellectually with him. I am not sure that I love him deeply anymore. I feel beaten down.


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 Post subject: Re: New To Board - Married to Man Who I think has OCPD
PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2017 6:48 am 
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Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2015 7:26 pm
Posts: 588
Hi and welcome. You ask if you should try a marriage counselor. I suggest you find yourself a therapist for you -and you alone. Work on yourself. I found it very hard to have any perspective on almost everything after years of compromise and criticism. It helped me tremendously.

I only went after years of trying to improve my marriage - and my ex declined to go to marriage counseling. It was instantly validating and I felt supported - not supported with caveats and restrictions - fully supported. Maybe give it a try.


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 Post subject: Re: New To Board - Married to Man Who I think has OCPD
PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2017 9:06 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 425
Hugs to you Glass, during this difficult time.

I would say review the postings here in this site. It has been active on and off over the few years I have been here. I believe it will help give you perspective as it has me.

I have tracked my relationship with my STBXH over 2 years on this site - if you look under "OCPD Conversation with H" on the board you can find my experiences. Rikki Tikki has also done a great job of documenting her experiences also. I also agree with learntofly in finding your own counselor.

Your comments about your experiences appear to show your H to be further on the spectrum than mine. I also was the primary breadwinner because of my H's inability to move forward in his life and people not doing things his way. I am also so sorry to read his comments about your children. So sad. They will probably not have any kind of relationship with him as adults because of this.

Here is a great article to read

https://www.ocdonline.com/the-right-stuff

In the end, I left because I could see this was not going to change and I did not want to live like this the rest of my life. I was tired and I did not like the person I was becoming.

Dragonfly21


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 Post subject: Re: New To Board - Married to Man Who I think has OCPD
PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2017 9:48 am 
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Joined: Mon May 08, 2017 1:22 pm
Posts: 2
Thanks to you both. I have found a therapist and have my first appointment set up for myself this Saturday.


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 Post subject: Re: New To Board - Married to Man Who I think has OCPD
PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2017 10:10 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 12:58 pm
Posts: 74
Hi Glass,

Welcome to the Forum. You will find a lot of similarities in our stories to yours. Take time to read the posts. It will be very helpful to you. To answer a few of you questions...

Yes, you should see a marriage/family therapist by yourself. It would be good for you to express yourself to a professional. Finding one that specializes in OCPD is difficult. Also if you decide to go the divorce route, see if you can find one that specializes in dealing with OCPD on the opposing side. My daughters and I had already moved out and served him papers before I even knew what he had was a personality disorder, let alone OCPD.

Should you stay or should you go is a complicated question...

1. Do you have any love for him left in your heart? Or did the years of control and criticism drain it all?

2. I assume your kids are between 12-14? You have several years yet where they will still be minors. You have stated that he hates his kids. If a split were to happen before they turn 18, would he want joint custody? visitation? No visitation? Do you kids love their dad? Would you feel it would be a good thing for your kids to spend alone time with him post-split?

You are very successful in your career, which is wonderful for you financially, as well as, mentally. I assume it is a happier place than being at home. It is easier to tolerate his behavior when you are not with him all the time. Will you be able to deal with being with him more once you retire?

If you do decide to end the marriage at some point, you will have to decide how and when to tell him. I guess the answer is to arrive at a plan that benefits you and your kids the most. I contemplated that very same question. I did not tell mine ahead. Was it the right decision? I just don't know. My mom, brother, and kids say yes. I am wracked with the guilt of it. So who really knows. Take the time to research all the options before you make any life changing decisions.

A lot to think about. But the first step is to see a good therapist.

Best of luck! Keep us posted!
Movingon


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 Post subject: Re: New To Board - Married to Man Who I think has OCPD
PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2017 4:02 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:08 pm
Posts: 627
I agree with the above posters...your story sounds very much like rikkitikki's, movingon and dragonfly21. You will be amazed how similar it will be.

I would also advise at this point to start documenting your DH's interactions with the children...if he does or doesn't go to doctor's visits, sports activities, feed them, etc etc and if he say anything about never wanting kids. Even if you do or don't separate now, it is good to have this information.

Also start standing up for yourself where possible...believe it or not, the more you stand up for yourself, the more they back down. Because they feel like SOMEONE has to be in charge of an activity thing, and if it is them, then IT MUST BE PERFECT and if it is you, then it will all be your fault. But most of the time it won't be your fault because nothing will go wrong.

So, if, for example, he makes comments on how you load the dishwasher (which you have done for years and nothing has broken), then you can either say "If you would like to be in charge of the dishwasher, please do. Otherwise, I am an adult with 30 years of DW loading experience thank you."

You may need to say "The kids are getting older and I am going to take them to Disney World this year. We would love you to come, but if you feel you can't, we understand."

If you have already separated then nevermind. Note in stories of rikki, etc. they dont' even try to change until you actually separate.


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 Post subject: Re: New To Board - Married to Man Who I think has OCPD
PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2017 8:22 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 12:58 pm
Posts: 74
Hi Glass,

Bopper is totally right when she said to stand up for yourself. I totally understand that this will be very difficult to do. But you may not know if it actually helps until you try. In my case, talking to my STBXH about the dishwasher scenario in the manner that Bopper suggests, (I totally agree on how she phrased it), would have yielded me about 3 weeks of him being furious with with me and him giving me the total silent treatment. So standing up for myself never worked with my H. But it might work for you. It is definitely worth trying.

The single most important thing I found for me was to surround yourself with supportive people that you can trust to talk to and get valudation. SO IMPORTANT.

We are here for you. Keep posting. It will help you so much.

Movingon.

:)


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