Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: The kettle is black
PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 1:52 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 1:47 pm
Posts: 4
How do you help the person see how demanding it is for me to do everything his way?
Does an OCPD ever get beyond his rituals?
I accept them, but when they interfere with our love life, how do you make it known?
I am not asking for change in his pesonality, just intimate time that is natural.

I know I have more order things too. I am just quicker... So, I don't want to call the kettle black.
Will partners who love order get together in some way?
Will it work?


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 Post subject: Re: The kettle is black
PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 1:28 pm 
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Joined: Wed Apr 07, 2010 12:17 pm
Posts: 1935
Location: SoCal - 5 yrs moved out/4 1/2 yrs broken up w/6 year live-in with OCPD b-f.
How do you help the person see how demanding it is for me to do everything his way? You probably can't. Most of those with undiagnosed OCPD don't really "get" the idea that there is any way to think, other than the way they do. By resisting doing things The Right Way, you are the one making it harder for yourself, not him, in his eyes.

Does an OCPD ever get beyond his rituals?
I accept them, but when they interfere with our love life, how do you make it known?
I am not asking for change in his pesonality, just intimate time that is natural.
Harmony, I'm not sure exactly what you are asking. His "rituals" - like, as some have talked about, cleaning until 11:30 or later at night? Having to approach a love life in a certain order and certain acts have to be performed for X long with no spontaneity? Or...?

I know with my ex and some others, there are issues with physical affection outside of the bedroom. I like kissing and touching and playfulness that is then carried into the bedroom; he hated being touched or snuggling, most of the time, though he was "normal," even exceptionally physically affectionate, during the courtship phase.

I see a lot of people are reading this post, but others may be confused, as I was, as to what exactly you are asking.

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 Post subject: Re: The kettle is black
PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2011 12:49 am 
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Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2009 9:25 am
Posts: 4874
Harmony wrote:
How do you help the person see how demanding it is for me to do everything his way?

The way I try to handle this issue is say, he can do things any way he wants but if he wants ME to do it, I will do it my way.

For instance, he likes the sheets washed every Saturday. I do them whenever I get around to them. So he has to decide, does he want to do them himself or allow me to do them whenever.

Same thing for loading the dishwasher. In the beginning he wanted me to load it his way, I thought the man had to be crazy. Finally, I told him, he can do anyway he wants but again if he wants ME to do it, it would be MY way.

_________________
Married 10+ years
Diagnosed 18 years ago
Fairly good marriage


“ When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time."
― Maya Angelou


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 Post subject: Re: The kettle is black
PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2011 12:51 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 1:47 pm
Posts: 4
more-freedom wrote:
Harmony wrote:
How do you help the person see how demanding it is for me to do everything his way?

The way I try to handle this issue is say, he can do things any way he wants but if he wants ME to do it, I will do it my way.
.


Thank you very much the both of you!!!!!! I did say this to him. I think he is finally getting it. I am sorry I didn't make sense. I had seven days of cluster migraines. He wakes me up and talks to me. I get migraines for various reasons, but I had head injures. I keep working on "Don't wake me up, please, and discuss things. I can't do that I will get a migraine." Now, I add, "I love you, don't take it personally, I hate migraines." I feel very worn out by him. He even get migraines and his neurologist told him sleep is important. He stays up to 1 am, he wants to eat at 10 pm or 11 pm. He takes a long time in the bathroom and getting ready for work the next day, maybe about 3 hours! I can't wait and wait to eat... He wants to make love as he walks in the door from work and not eat. I can't always wait to delay and put off my needs like low blood sugar...

I must be consistent all ways due to my diagnosed hypoglycemia and headaches. I went along with him for a while on the door greeting, but I can't any more. It feels weird. I don't understand that.

I told him if we don't get counseling, it's over. Now, we are going, but so far we only met with the counselor once. It's so slow, more waiting...

He is making an effort to improve, but I am making an effort to say things very directly, clearly, short messages and nonverbal to match. I can't believe he finally asked me what did I want the other day. He usually says what he wants and runs me over.

Is a OCPD selfish or just blind to other people? His 81 yr. old mom even notices it when we were in the museum the other day. She was tired and needed to rest, he lectured her on the amount of time we had and that she should wait to rest. We didn't eat till 11:30 pm. Ish! I secretly bite on some candy to keep up and running without fainting. I hate doing it, but I have to do it so I am not in the ER.

Is it just they have a set order and can't take in other people's wants and needs? He can't just go to an art museum and see certain pics, he must read them all, stand for 5 or more hours and drag us around. It's all about him. Is that part of this disorder? If a film is bad or a play, it doesn't matter we must sit through it till the end. OMG!

I may love order too, but I would never put my thing on someone else. I care about others' needs, so I am not getting this. I think it is selfish or maybe self absorbed.


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 Post subject: Re: The kettle is black
PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2011 4:46 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jul 05, 2011 4:33 pm
Posts: 1
HARMONY---What a relief to hear you ask that question about intimacy. I have been married to my husband for three years and have always felt like something was just wrong with our love life. There is always some compelling excuse why he can't make love to me nearly as often as I want. I have been in anguish over this, such confusion and have experienced rejection more times that I can explain. He's being treated for ADD and I have always thought there was depression or anxiety or possibly bipolar or SOMETHING else, but nothing really fit. Today, by chance, I found out about OCPD, and everything seems to make sense. He stays up working so late at night. We rarely make love (three times in the past month). If we get in an argument over something stupid, which, lately, is very often and always his fault... it's like a minefield. I can't contradict or criticize in the slightest bit (by that, I mean like "could you please put your dish in the dishwasher? I've already cleaned the kitchen" sort of thing) without him totally freaking out and making me seem like the biggest bitch in the world. He has told me before that I have to be "nice" or he can't make love to me... like one argument throws us off for days, in his eyes. I've come to see this means I have to meet ridiculously high standards of perfection. I love him, he loves me very much, adores me, but I can't live up to his standards of perfection. I have no idea what to do or how to proceed. Or how to talk to him about this. I feel so alone and sad but at the same time relieved that I've learned about OCPD. His father is the same way, though his mother always called it "OCD." I pray you and I and all other spouses of OCPDs find the intimacy we need from our other halves.


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 Post subject: Re: The kettle is black
PostPosted: Thu Mar 16, 2017 11:11 am 
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Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2016 1:32 pm
Posts: 7
Being accused of being mean is familiar. We are living with the same man. H apologized for "not making love to you lately" because "I have been so stressed." That was a great thing--an explanation is better than The Silence. This is three months into for moi, and I spend much of my spare time on this site, or googling ocpd. It is interesting, right now, but i have been listening to all of the advice, 99% of which is to "run away." We are engaged, and I am on the fence as to whether or not IT will happen. In the meantime, this forum keeps me sane.

He has to have the last word, so I try to not say anything. Even if I say "oh, so that's the green one " he will top it off with "no, not exactly green, but more of a bluish-green." Everything I say has to be improved-upon, changed, altered. I get forced to watch his selection of TV shows, and when he sees me on my laptop he says "Look! You're missing this." Like I am unable to decide what to do with my own time.

Nothing that I have brought into the home has gotten any attention from him: what I cook is not edible without sauces (we are from different cultures/cuisines), he almost never inquires as to how I am feeling, etc. I find this journey to be something that I, often, regret, but there was that courtship, where, as I, now, know, he was trying to be "perfect." Because, he really was. Like a junkie, I keep trying to get that first experience back. This forum has, already, told me that it won't happen, ever again. Oh, well...but thanks.


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 Post subject: Re: The kettle is black
PostPosted: Thu Mar 16, 2017 10:52 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 12:58 pm
Posts: 60
Hi Honeykitz,

No relationship is perfect. Compromises have to be made from both sides. If he does not meet you 1/2 way and you do all the compromising...you will become more and more resentful until the love is 100% gone from your heart. I was with my STBXH for 26 years. Take my word for it. I know how this feels. You are engaged. He should be at his best right now. As married years progress and children come into the picture...so does the stress and spending less time as a couple. Can your relationship take this? Will you truly be happy at that time? Do you want your kids, if you have them, be exposed to his OCPD? If you read my posts, you will see that my girls were pulling me out the door at the end to leave their dad in their past. Please think long and hard before he puts that wedding ring on your finger.

Movingon


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 Post subject: Re: The kettle is black
PostPosted: Thu Mar 23, 2017 12:16 am 
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Joined: Sat Oct 08, 2016 1:22 am
Posts: 16
From an OCPD standpoint, there is a small hope.. but only if he is willing to commit. The light switch can be flicked, change can happen, but only he is going to do that. I have slowly, but surely been learning about the debilitating high standards I keep for myself and others and so far it has been an eye opener. I am making the change that is needed and most of the crazy is now contained in my head and my high standards are something I only hold myself too.. and yes struggle, but do let others live up to their own standards. It is a journey and it is easier to battle through when someone is there to Love you. I send hope and love to you both and hope that you two can find that middle ground.

That's my two cents anyways.

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Finding my way before alone is all I can be


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 Post subject: Re: The kettle is black
PostPosted: Thu Mar 23, 2017 1:48 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 12:58 pm
Posts: 60
Good perspective Twice Together. I know that my H would not/will not take the necessary steps. I allowed the situation to on too many years. My resentment built, the love drained, and my stamina was gone. I had no idea that his behavior was a result of a disorder until after I left the marriage. Perhaps if there is still love in the heart and energy to put the work in....maybe. Each situation is different.


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 Post subject: Re: The kettle is black
PostPosted: Mon May 01, 2017 5:05 pm 
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Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2016 1:32 pm
Posts: 7
Just for perspective, we are in our sixties, and children are grown, we are grandparents, and looking to select a retirement place and plan. I have to decide if I can tolerate his annoying remarks, miserly spending habits, and excessive talking ever after. I do treasure my alone time, solo trips, but entering Old Age alone seems frightening, also.


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 Post subject: Re: The kettle is black
PostPosted: Tue May 02, 2017 9:25 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 417
honeykitz wrote:
Just for perspective, we are in our sixties, and children are grown, we are grandparents, and looking to select a retirement place and plan. I have to decide if I can tolerate his annoying remarks, miserly spending habits, and excessive talking ever after. I do treasure my alone time, solo trips, but entering Old Age alone seems frightening, also.


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Hi HK,

I agree that this is something you will need to consider. The level and how much separation works for you along with how far on the spectrum he is and what you can and cannot deal with. This is why after 17 years with my STBXH and the last 5 years when the acceleration started, the thought of growing old with him frightened me, both emotionally and financially. He was becoming more angry and bitter. I could see the increase. The phrase, better to be lonely than wishing you were is my mantra.

You may be able to start setting some boundaries with him on the remarks and talking. I used a few tactics that would work along with disengaging and leave the room.

Dragonfly21


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