Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: I finally found you!
PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2017 2:33 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 9:27 am
Posts: 3
Hello,
I have registered here 3 days ago and have done non-stop reading since! Why did I not find you earlier? But my positive mind tells me, better late than never;-)

I strongly believe my SO has OCPD. He meets just every criteria I found on the net that describes OCPD.

I have tried several times for a separation but there is always those “good” times inbetween. Although I’d say it’s 1 day out of 7. And that’s not even a full day ;-)

I have my “issues” too: I have depression, diagnosed 7 years ago, medicated 7 years with a lot of frequent re evaluation on the meds.

Now, being married to a person with OCPD is not particularly helpful in my situation. Most of our married life (17 years) it was my belief, there is something wrong with me. It was a relief, that I was officially diagnosed with Depression as I could finally pin point, what exactly was wrong! However, during the past 7 years I had frequently the need of an adjustment for my medication, as I would always fall back into to the deep, sad, hopeless hole.
Now, that our kids are 13 and 11 I have come to realize, that they keep supporting me in discussions with H. They feel frustrated a lot about his behavior and I am the mediator, which ends up in arguments most of the time.

I came out of my last sad and hopeless hole only last week, after seeing a new psychiatrist who prescribed yet another type of medication. I have never written anything down, because I felt it was pointless somehow. As preparation for the visit to the new doc if prepared a timeline with all major events, visits to Psychiatrists and the medication given. Wow, there it was: black on white! My story of trying and trying and trying, never wanting to give up. Always starting anew, always hoping I can handle it again.

The new medication kicked in pretty fast and I decided to do some research online. First looking for Asperger Spectrum. Then I discovered OCPD!

I find it amazing, that there is actually people, who go through the same thing! And first and foremost: It is not me!!! Although my and his family telling me, that it is not me but him, that they are amazed at my patience: how do I cope with this? But yet, I kept looking at myself! How I can handle this. There must be a way to handle this.

Well, now I found this forum and I am now aware, that there is a disorder behind SOs behavior.

I have not quite made up, what my next step is. Well, the first step was probably to write here. I feel already a tiny relieve and hope, that I can get some ideas on how to tackle this.
Thanks for reading ;-)

I will survive !


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 Post subject: Re: I finally found you!
PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2017 3:27 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2011 4:07 am
Posts: 988
Welcome here. Yes, we have all gone through the same thing. You may need to keep on reading and find the stories that match your situation best. Your first step is to really let it think in that it is not you.

Just a thought, but your depression may be related to your situation?

Best of luck to you.


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 Post subject: Re: I finally found you!
PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2017 10:44 am 
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Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:08 pm
Posts: 627
Welcome! You are right...OCPD is insidious...From the outside, it looks like the OCPDer is just trying to keep things clean and do things right!
All good goals, until you fall down the rathole of all the utensils should be in the dishwasher in order so nobody accidentely stabs them selves with a knife (and gets infected and they DIE!) but then maybe we shouldn't use the dishwasher because that one time the seal got lose and there was water on the floor (and it might grow mold and it could be black mold and then we could DIE!).

I've ready many a story of the OCPD spouse here...one wonders if the depression is due to living with the OCPDer...you probably feel like you have to surpress what you want in order to make them happy..

But you know what? They will never be happy. If you follow their rules they will just make up new ones. Because it isn't about silverware...it is about them trying to quell the anxiety they feel...if they have enough rules everything will be okay, and if you follow all the rules, you know everything will not be okay because that is the way life is, so they make up another one so they can blame you and the kids.

Consider start thinking about how you would like to live your life. Do the dishwasher (or any task) however you want. If he complains:
"I am an adult and I can load a dishwasher. If you would like to take over the dishwashing duties, have at it."
Sometimes it seems that they think they are responsible for everything...but if you push back, you are kind of taking the responsibility and believe it or not they will back off some.


Tell us about some of the OCPD things he does to you and the kids and we will have more advice.


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 Post subject: Re: I finally found you!
PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2017 8:41 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 12:58 pm
Posts: 74
Hi IWS,

Glad you found the forum! Please keep reading people's stories. I found it very helpful and validating. I agree with BG that your depression could be related to your H's OCPD. It would be good to further explore that possibility. Also Bopper is right on the money with her thoughts. Take some time to compose your story for us chronologically with examples of his behavior. We can then give you our feedback.

"I am an adult and I can load a dishwasher. If you would like to take over the dishwashing duties, have at it."

Looking back at my situation, I wish I would have been stronger to confront him like Bopper said above. When I did do that early on in the marriage, he stopped talking to me for days or weeks. But I should have done it even if we would have fought much more often. I would feel less guilty for leaving him the way I did. In the end, mine would have never changed. DEMAND RESISTANCE. Look that up.

In my case, I know I absolutely did the right thing for my daughters. They are blossoming before my eyes. But I really hurt him badly. Make sure you explore all avenues if you plan to make any changes.

Keep us posted. Hugs!

Movingon


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 Post subject: Re: I finally found you!
PostPosted: Wed Apr 26, 2017 2:06 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 9:27 am
Posts: 3
belgianguy wrote:
Welcome here. Yes, we have all gone through the same thing. You may need to keep on reading and find the stories that match your situation best. Your first step is to really let it think in that it is not you.

Just a thought, but your depression may be related to your situation?

Best of luck to you.


Thanks belgianguy! I do keep on reading, almost to an unhealthy extend ;-) Even knowing about OCPD now, when I try to analyse past situations, I always tend to put my thoughts into a "it always takes two" way. Still working on that! I have always been very emotional and tearful, but not to this extend. Yes, it did get worse over the past years because I always doubt myself!

bopper wrote:
Consider start thinking about how you would like to live your life. Do the dishwasher (or any task) however you want. If he complains:
"I am an adult and I can load a dishwasher. If you would like to take over the dishwashing duties, have at it."
Sometimes it seems that they think they are responsible for everything...but if you push back, you are kind of taking the responsibility and believe it or not they will back off some.


Thanks bopper! Yes, I am doing this successfully already! He likes to say " you should have" or " you could have" or " why didn't you" - my response to this is always: " should have, could have, didn't do it. Do it yourself if you are better at it!" And he does. He does the weekly shopping now, because I could never do it right. He prepares the breakfast for the children, because nobody can do it better ;-) However, recently this leads to arguments with the kids, because he puts food on their plates, although they answered no when he asked them! So this is another point we have to work on;-)
There are always little "issues" that remain. Hence, my registration in this forum to get a feeling how others cope with this.

bopper wrote:
Tell us about some of the OCPD things he does to you and the kids and we will have more advice.

I have started to write something, but decided not to post them all at once, as it makes me feel that I betray him. I am happier to post things as they happen to ask for your advise. But thanks for offering.

Movingon wrote:
Looking back at my situation, I wish I would have been stronger to confront him like Bopper said above. When I did do that early on in the marriage, he stopped talking to me for days or weeks. But I should have done it even if we would have fought much more often. I would feel less guilty for leaving him the way I did. In the end, mine would have never changed. DEMAND RESISTANCE. Look that up.

In my case, I know I absolutely did the right thing for my daughters. They are blossoming before my eyes. But I really hurt him badly. Make sure you explore all avenues if you plan to make any changes.


Thanks Movingon! I fortunately do not get any silent treatments ;-) It's the guilty feeling that I am dreading! The feeling that I should have tried more and harder! Regarding the kids, yes, they are very able to read him and react accordingly. The three of us feel beautifully at ease, when he is not around. They also share their opinions when he criticises me wrong. I think, it is because of the interference of my kids, that I now better understand, that it is NOT me. But still....... I have not fully committed to that thought yet. I am still back and forth in my thoughts.

My present feeling is: I'll see this through! I can do it! But I know very well, there will be moments of doubt.

I tend to think that lot's of it, is "normal" human interaction issues, I fail to see, when it goes overboard and what is a reasonable issue that needs fixing.

I will keep posting.

Thanks for reading

I will survive


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 Post subject: Re: I finally found you!
PostPosted: Wed Apr 26, 2017 7:38 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2015 7:26 pm
Posts: 588
I think for me the guilt was based in the idea that my own "selfishness" shouldn't come first or take any sort of priority. Basically though I was pushing aside my own needs and wants to accommodate my marriage. At some point I realized I was paying too high a price - I compromised myself so much that I wasn't enjoying any part of my life. It took me a long time to muster the strength to be "selfish" enough to go. 18 months removed and I am enjoying my life in ways I haven't in years and my 10 year old is doing really well.

Just be careful to not over compromise or over accommodate. At some point your spouse needs to be responsible for his own well being.


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 Post subject: Re: I finally found you!
PostPosted: Thu Apr 27, 2017 10:16 am 
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Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:08 pm
Posts: 627
There is a great website called marriagebuilders.com

They have some concepts like: Giver vs. Taker....you can't always be a Giver and you can't always be a Taker to have a successful marriage.

Also they have the concept of Policy of Joint Agreement: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse

"This rule teaches couples to become thoughtful and sensitive to each other's feelings when they don't feel like it. If both spouses follow this policy, they avoid all the Love Busters because they won't mutually agree to anything that hurts one of them. Demands, disrespect and anger are eliminated because even negotiating strategy must be mutually agreed to, and no one likes to be the recipient of abuse. Annoying behavior is eliminated because if one spouse finds any behavior or activity of the other annoying, according to the policy, it cannot be done. It even eliminates dishonesty, because a lie is certainly not something that you would agree to enthusiastically. It helps plug up the holes in the sieve of the Love Bank that cause most couples to drift into loveless incompatibility.

It also forces couples to negotiate fairly. The Policy itself prevents either spouse from making unilateral decisions about anything, so they must discuss every decision they make before action can be taken. Demands are out of the question, because they are not made to create enthusiastic agreement -- they are made to force one spouse to lose so that the other can gain. The same can be said for Disrespectful Judgments and Angry Outbursts. What role do any of those Love Busters have in a discussion where the goal is enthusiastic agreement? In their place, each spouse learns to make requests and express opinions, showing respect for the other spouse's opinions. The sheer folly and stupidity of demands, disrespect and anger are vividly demonstrated when a mutually enthusiastic agreement is your goal."

Now with OCPD this can be an issue...will everything you do be annoying to the OCPDer?
Then one wonders if one could ever have an acceptable marriage with them.


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