Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: Here's What It Is.
PostPosted: Tue Jan 24, 2017 4:11 am 
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Joined: Mon Nov 07, 2016 12:09 am
Posts: 70
You are what you do. And you are what you think and are constantly thinking about. Somewhere, along the way my life got derailed and I lost orientation toward success - wherever or whatever it means. Why did that happen? I ask myself this.... no reasonable person would want to be mediocre, held back, victimized or mired in problems. I was a raging success starting out in my life when I was a young kid, what happened? The only possible answer I can think of is... something occurred to me when I was young that I had no control over, and it kept constantly interfering and damaging my life. I tried; the coping skills I had - many of them I learned from at home or just by myself, they unfortunately often than not made things a disaster- because they were all Control based - which is a horrible coping system which doesn't allow for things and has a boomerang effect on everything.
I really resent my Dad for being this ignorant and raising us the way you'd kick and prod a donkey to keep it in line. Just nothing he did worked. It was cruel, ineffective and disastrous. And he never got the point. Just panicked more and got angrier, destabilizing the whole family. I really resent him for this.
I have a hard time conflating success now with control - but the two are not the same thing.
Because I was kicked so many times...I think a part of me doesn't want success or anything to do with it. It's not true. I want success more than anything, I have to get past this. My Dad did it wrong and was ignorant. I'm sorry, that's a sad truth I have to face.

What I needed probably was some resources on ptsd, coping (and...not controlling) with my symptoms and then moving on. Unfortunately, what happened was I got sucked into this psychiatric world, meds, names, victim status... dependency. On and on it goes. It became my life and I had still lost mine and started blaming everything around me. Nothing around me helped or worked.
I needed to understand some of my symptoms I was dealing with were shame based and could have easily dealt with; in time and sharing. I needed to understand I developed sexual compulsions that were shame based, which was terrifying...and I didn't understand that, I thought something was wrong with me. They went away when I alleviated working on my shame. It's all Freudian, but it's all true.
See nothing responds to control. Nothing. It is a disastrous way of relating to ANY of the world, In my opinion. Unless you're in the military - which he was. Which explains a lot. But, they don't care about health or success in military, what's kind or effective or gentle... they just yell at you and get the job done. Can you imagine how this must have effected me growing up as a kid?
This is how in effect I was raised; this ideology ran through everything we did. I hated it. It made me absolutely crazy. You never know how to do anything... you just know how to do it harder, faster - get it right - or get yelled at. I was being set up for and extreme basket case in my emotions, and life. I already knew this.

I needed then to get back to my life, focus and drive and go continue on with my successes. This is where I'm at now. A lot has elapsed since then... I feel needless time's been wasted, out of ignorance.
My Dad was a freaking idiot. I hated him, part of me will always despise and hate him. Part of me will love him also. But...he did affect me so negatively, and got in the way so much for so many things - thinking he was helping me - but too stubborn, rigid or controlling- tyrannical to listen or change. He really did a number on me growing up. He was the ultimate reason I wasn't successful, in my opinion.


I want to get my life back on track. Focus is the needle that determines where you go. What you focus on is your life. Focus on what's good, successes. Deal with your problems however you have to, and find strategies and coping methods which work; but understand that fact.
You are not your symptom, you are not a name, you are not some diagnosis. It's terrifying to even think it. But we all know it, and so this should be good for us. Get back to life..
That's all I have to say.

_________________
See what it's like on the other side - life's more precious. Every moment is pregnant of meaning. Use your time wisely..


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 Post subject: Re: Here's What It Is.
PostPosted: Tue Jan 24, 2017 11:35 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 05, 2013 2:10 am
Posts: 697
Location: U.S.
Ditto...!

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A+ (98) - Cammer Test

Conscientiousness is the defining feature of OCPD from which many of the other symptoms follow. http://sgo.sagepub.com/content/3/3/2158244013500675


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 Post subject: Re: Here's What It Is.
PostPosted: Wed Jan 25, 2017 6:05 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 11:13 am
Posts: 10
Well said. Thank you for sharing. :)


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 Post subject: Re: Here's What It Is.
PostPosted: Sat Feb 11, 2017 8:46 am 
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Joined: Mon Nov 07, 2016 12:09 am
Posts: 70
Everything's a choice. You have to want something, you have to want to do something. ...if you want it do it. If you don't want it don't be lazy...go get what you want, don't make excuses. That's all life comes down to.
There will always be something in the way.

When what I want is worth more than staying comfortable, that's when you'll get it; you always have to push out not be lazy, and move on letting the past go. You have to move forward and ... can't live in the past;
that's hard for me because I lived in the past starting at such a young age. ...I have to move forward, live life now.
Of course I typed a bunch of stuff, but my computer deleted it. As usual. This is third time I have to type it up.
I'm getting tired of starting over again. I find that grief ore than anything, stands in the way of healing and finding a good life, moving on, having fun - enjoying. How can you grasp life now when you're holding onto the past....you can't

When I moved so much growing up...it affected me, one move in particular. Emotions bond us to others, they serve functions; they aren't just something to be cast aside like so many say, think.
When you move a lot, emotions stop working.
That's happened for me, I can't live fully in the present because I'm .....stuck somewhere else; I'm resentful and bitter and isolationist because I don't want to let go and adopt where I am.
I'm talking about this for the very first time. I'm tired of being angry and bitter...
I've tried and tried, my emotions have been so fucked with my entire life.

I just don't care. I shut down I don't even try to connect with other people or make friends, I haven't had a romantic relationship in 6 years. ...that's sad. I haven't been happy in 17 years. I'm tired of making something and breaking it.

_________________
See what it's like on the other side - life's more precious. Every moment is pregnant of meaning. Use your time wisely..


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 Post subject: Re: Here's What It Is.
PostPosted: Sat Feb 11, 2017 12:31 pm 
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Joined: Mon Nov 07, 2016 12:09 am
Posts: 70
They say grief is anger turned inwards, depression is anger inward. Unresolved grief is the main reason for my anger and bitterness I think. Because the anger comes from grief....its like I'm angry at things I didn't know why, why can't I just get over it? I'd say that to myself. It doesn't go away though..I've had some of these thoughts and feelings for years, I know it comes from sadness or loss/grief. Like, for example, I had just started hating everything when I came back to America - for no reason. ...I was supposed to be happy but just hated it.
My parents called me spoiled, but I never adjusted.
I always thought that - that this culture was shitty because it puts you in an 'individual place' rather than emotionally able to just be free and relate like a collective culture. ....I think it's true, but it made me really mad to think it. It was just something I held onto, to be mad.
Regardless if it's true. I think it's good to acknowledge these things, so that you can move on from them, feel it - and move on. It's really about how you feel anyways. If I can get over that, which I can by adjusting.

_________________
See what it's like on the other side - life's more precious. Every moment is pregnant of meaning. Use your time wisely..


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 Post subject: Re: Here's What It Is.
PostPosted: Sat Feb 11, 2017 6:26 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 10, 2017 5:14 am
Posts: 6
I'm a suck it up and get on with it kinda person. Attempting to deconstruct the impact of parents and the **** bits of my life on who I am has never done anything that progresses my cause. My box has been sealed so tightly for so long now, there is no good reason to let Pandora out.

Sorry I can't work out if you are just musing or looking for input.


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 Post subject: Re: Here's What It Is.
PostPosted: Sun Mar 05, 2017 5:42 am 
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Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2009 9:25 am
Posts: 4874
Freedom,

I think its great you are putting your thoughts and difficulties in writing.

Its good to be able to acknowledge right where you are and exactly where your struggle is.

At this point it seems best to work on you rather than consider dating. Do you have any friends at all you can talk to? If not, what about trying online meetup groups even if its only to go see a movie together.

_________________
Married 10+ years
Diagnosed 18 years ago
Fairly good marriage


“ When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time."
― Maya Angelou


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 Post subject: Re: Here's What It Is.
PostPosted: Mon Apr 03, 2017 12:56 pm 
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Joined: Fri Dec 16, 2016 3:19 pm
Posts: 2
freedom, I can relate to so much you said. My psychiatrist, who just diagnosed me, said I had OCPD because of my father's upbringing. And now that I know what has been wrong with me all these years (I am 58), I can also see that my father is a master at OCPD. It's hard knowing that he couldn't and can't help it. I should be understanding and empathetic, but I still hate him.


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 Post subject: Re: Here's What It Is.
PostPosted: Thu Apr 06, 2017 10:50 am 
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Joined: Wed Apr 11, 2012 6:36 pm
Posts: 18
I don't like my father at all either. We should start a club. Its good to get this stuff out of us. Its also good to build a bridge and get over it. Whether you choose to believe it or not, you've gotten past it. You just need to keep letting it go.

I'm trying so hard each day to stay in the now. I slip a lot, but also stay in the now a lot, and staying in the now is a lot better. The more I work towards staying in the now, the longer I stay in. Sure I got a late start, probably at about 45, but at 49 my life is so measurably better, that its unimaginable that I could have gotten here. So instead of a constantly slipping, I'm constantly gaining ground. Good luck on your ascent.


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 Post subject: Re: Here's What It Is.
PostPosted: Thu Apr 06, 2017 10:57 am 
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Joined: Fri Dec 16, 2016 3:19 pm
Posts: 2
jscherer26 wrote:
I don't like my father at all either. We should start a club. Its good to get this stuff out of us. Its also good to build a bridge and get over it. Whether you choose to believe it or not, you've gotten past it. You just need to keep letting it go.

I'm trying so hard each day to stay in the now. I slip a lot, but also stay in the now a lot, and staying in the now is a lot better. The more I work towards staying in the now, the longer I stay in. Sure I got a late start, probably at about 45, but at 49 my life is so measurably better, that its unimaginable that I could have gotten here. So instead of a constantly slipping, I'm constantly gaining ground. Good luck on your ascent.


It is nice talking with someone who knows what I live with and what the past was like. I am in therapy now an dealing with all the aftermath of his destruction (with the aid of my mother). I don't feel like I have gotten past it. It seems to be stronger and occupies my thoughts constantly. Reliving the little moments and raging in my mind to him all the things I would like to say. I am trying to let it go. I know I have to in order to have any peace in my life.

Then, of course, there is all the ways that OCPD effects my life and work besides that. I am so angry - to say the least.


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 Post subject: Re: Here's What It Is.
PostPosted: Thu Apr 06, 2017 11:07 am 
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Joined: Fri Feb 28, 2014 12:56 am
Posts: 18
I recently heard a statement which I think has a lot of meaning- "Never be a prisoner of your past. It was just a lesson not a life sentence." Hopefully this will mean something to someone else, too.


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 Post subject: Re: Here's What It Is.
PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2017 10:51 pm 
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Joined: Wed Apr 11, 2012 6:36 pm
Posts: 18
What I mean by you got past it, is whatever it was, you survived and time has passed. And its good to recognize that whatever the situation was then it isn't now. Survival is an accomplishment that you can be proud of however you got past it. Sometimes it may seem like a reach, but I say look for the silver lining whenever you can.


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