Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: Re: First time poster: My marriage is ending
PostPosted: Wed Mar 15, 2017 4:56 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2017 7:56 am
Posts: 41
Just letting it all hang out now.

Told him as long as he was getting evaluated for ADHD, I would like him to get evaluated for OCPD as well.

Cat is out of the bag now.

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 Post subject: Re: First time poster: My marriage is ending
PostPosted: Thu Mar 16, 2017 11:53 pm 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 417
Keep processing and posting. You will find the balance and see where you need to go. You are aware of what he is doing and are keen to how he is seeing things. You will find your way. Its messy, it hurts and you will get there.

Dragonfly21


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 Post subject: Re: First time poster: My marriage is ending
PostPosted: Sun Mar 19, 2017 2:39 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2017 7:56 am
Posts: 41
I made the decision to divorce my husband. I read that unless you actually want back in your marriage, then doing a trial separation just gives false hope and more hurt down the road. My anxiety levels stayed down and it felt right.

Then I called some friends to talk through what I was thinking with them. And they pushed back on me. They talked about a friend of their's where the wife separated from the husband for three weeks and he got scared and they both made changes and have been happy for the past about a year. I asked if the husband in that relationship had had a personality disorder and they told me not to treat him like he has a personality disorder unless he actually has a diagnosis.

He's not going to get a diagnosis. Our MC told us I could give my husband a letter to help the psychiatrist diagnose his ADHD :/ and husband agreed to get checked for other things that can cause perfectionism (or in the case of a few on the list, are comorbid). I went to give him the letter and he refused it. He told me he didn't want me "biasing" the psychiatrist. And he told me that the only thing he planned to share with me were the results. I didn't ask for the name of the psychiatrist or when his appointment was. I had been thinking, up until I decided divorce was the better option, that I would ask those questions at our next joint session.

I find the phrasing of his sentence interesting. He is only going to share the "results." Does that mean he had already gone to the appointment since he never told me when the appointment was and scored borderline (high) on something where it was only him and his version of events present?

I had to get somewhere and wasn't able to talk longer with my friends. They're my friends, so they know me and know some things that I probably can't see, right? I started rearranging my plans in my head, figuring I owed it to the kids to try and make it work. And my anxiety came back. I was eating lunch and I couldn't keep eating. I've lost a noticeable amount of weight from not being able to eat because of anxiety.

Husband is in full on hoover and it is creeping me out now that I'm planning to stay again. He begged me to stay. He said it would be a "problem" if I left. I skyped my parents and he hovered in the background the whole time. I asked him what his plans were for today. I have some errands I'd like to run to get ready for the separation. I mentioned I was going to go to a furniture store and told him that if we stayed together he could reimburse me half the expenditure if he wanted and we could put it in the main or second living room. He started insisting on coming with me to choose the furniture.

I don't want to choose any furniture with him. Whenever I've had to buy furniture with him before, we will visit like every single store in the city. It takes FOREVER. I don't know how many stores we visited to choose our mattress, but I was so exhausted that at the last one I laid down on a mattress and said it felt great and he agreed and that was the one we finally bought. He talked about it like it was the best mattress for the price that we had tried and I didn't bother telling him that it felt pretty similar to most of the other ones for me.

I've got time to think about this before our next therapy session. Writing this has brought my anxiety back down. I feel calm again.

_________________
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪
Take a bow,
the night is over
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪


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 Post subject: Re: First time poster: My marriage is ending
PostPosted: Mon Mar 20, 2017 3:28 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:08 pm
Posts: 608
You can take the stance of "if he wants this, he can make changes. He won't change unless he has no other choice."


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 Post subject: Re: First time poster: My marriage is ending
PostPosted: Tue Mar 21, 2017 9:31 pm 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 417
thenightisover wrote:
I made the decision to divorce my husband. I read that unless you actually want back in your marriage, then doing a trial separation just gives false hope and more hurt down the road. My anxiety levels stayed down and it felt right.

Then I called some friends to talk through what I was thinking with them. And they pushed back on me. They talked about a friend of their's where the wife separated from the husband for three weeks and he got scared and they both made changes and have been happy for the past about a year. I asked if the husband in that relationship had had a personality disorder and they told me not to treat him like he has a personality disorder unless he actually has a diagnosis.

Are your friends aware of what you are dealing with, behavior, etc? My friends have been supportive because they understand what I am dealing with. Often times when 'friends' push back is because they themselves may have issues in their relationships. Better to turn the focus somewhere else.

He's not going to get a diagnosis. Our MC told us I could give my husband a letter to help the psychiatrist diagnose his ADHD :/ and husband agreed to get checked for other things that can cause perfectionism (or in the case of a few on the list, are comorbid). I went to give him the letter and he refused it. He told me he didn't want me "biasing" the psychiatrist. And he told me that the only thing he planned to share with me were the results. I didn't ask for the name of the psychiatrist or when his appointment was. I had been thinking, up until I decided divorce was the better option, that I would ask those questions at our next joint session.

I find the phrasing of his sentence interesting. He is only going to share the "results." Does that mean he had already gone to the appointment since he never told me when the appointment was and scored borderline (high) on something where it was only him and his version of events present?

Demand resistance. You want this? Well you will get in MY way and MY terms. There is no open sharing here, in light of your situation. This is his deal now. At the very least if he is diagnosed you could possibly suppeana the medical records, if it is determined relevant.

I had to get somewhere and wasn't able to talk longer with my friends. They're my friends, so they know me and know some things that I probably can't see, right? I started rearranging my plans in my head, figuring I owed it to the kids to try and make it work. And my anxiety came back. I was eating lunch and I couldn't keep eating. I've lost a noticeable amount of weight from not being able to eat because of anxiety.

I don't know your friends but I don't agree. Your kids need a parent to parent them, who is healthy and in a good place mentally. Your body is telling you what your heart/head don't want to admit.

Husband is in full on hoover and it is creeping me out now that I'm planning to stay again. He begged me to stay. He said it would be a "problem" if I left. I skyped my parents and he hovered in the background the whole time. I asked him what his plans were for today. I have some errands I'd like to run to get ready for the separation. I mentioned I was going to go to a furniture store and told him that if we stayed together he could reimburse me half the expenditure if he wanted and we could put it in the main or second living room. He started insisting on coming with me to choose the furniture.

Of course he is in full hoover. He wants to keep you in place and keep getting everything he wants. He will not give you space to think or time to do it. I might suggest since the cat is out of the bag that you go someplace for a few days with the kids and WITHOUT any contact from him. That will give you the clarity and space you need to decide the next steps. If he is there he can keep hoovering.

I don't want to choose any furniture with him. Whenever I've had to buy furniture with him before, we will visit like every single store in the city. It takes FOREVER. I don't know how many stores we visited to choose our mattress, but I was so exhausted that at the last one I laid down on a mattress and said it felt great and he agreed and that was the one we finally bought. He talked about it like it was the best mattress for the price that we had tried and I didn't bother telling him that it felt pretty similar to most of the other ones for me.

I've got time to think about this before our next therapy session. Writing this has brought my anxiety back down. I feel calm again.


I would say at this point it is time to take care of YOU and what YOU and your children need. IF you and your H get back together after he gets into therapy, then great. Now, is time to take care of you and your children. Take the space you need, and get a few days AWAY from him. No contact, no texts. You will gain the clarity you need.

The time away when I first split was critical to my mental health. I knew it was breaking me down, exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have animals so I can only image what it would be with kids. I get the impression that it is you that is caring for them all the time, so that is also a drain.

Hugs to you during this time. You will get through this.

Dragonfly21


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 Post subject: Re: First time poster: My marriage is ending
PostPosted: Fri Mar 24, 2017 10:21 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 12:58 pm
Posts: 60
Hi Tnio,

I totally agree with Dragonfly21. Take some time to think about your next steps without your H there if you can. Since "the cat is out of the bag", it should hopefully be easier to let him know you and kids need a little space. I know your friends know YOU and they may know him, but they do not live in your home and see the day to day dynamics. Most OCPDers come across as model spouses to the spouse's friends if they don't see them all the time. In my case, the dear friends that we only saw occasionally don't understand why I filed for D and are of course, siding with him. Those close friends that live near us who we saw more often, asked me what took me so long to leave. They saw the situation. In my case, my h does to them as he does to me and our daughters, so they totally get it. In the end, the decision falls on you. It will be tough no matter what you choose. But to reaffirm what Dragonfly21 said, you need to be healthy physically and emotionally to take care of yourself and those wonderful children. Sometimes, and I know it's hard, you cannot think of how HE feels, how you will hurt HIM all the time. Of course easier said then done. I don't love my H anymore at all, but I think about HIM in terms of what I am doing to him by divorcing him. My therapist is saying that I need to let that go. That is was programmed in me to put myself last and think about about what he wants and how he wants it done. I can only imagine how difficult it is to go through if you still love them, but can't live with them.

Keep posting, it helps so much as you already know. And read other posts too, especially on Popular Threads. When I feel overwhelmed, I read the one called, " what's the most difficult thing with an OCPDer". It was 4 pages. It really validates me and makes me feel better.

Remember that there is no right or wrong here as each of us has a different set of circumstances. There will be a price to pay and downside to whatever you choose. Guilt if you leave and an uphill battle if you stay---even if he chooses to try to change. Try to surround yourself with as many supportive people as you can. That helps me sooooo much!

Lots of hugs!!

Movingon


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