I am a new member, as of today, 9/9/13. I am still unfamiliar with the site, so please bear with me as I traverse this unfamiliar ground. First, is there a spell checker? I find myself rereading everything I type and checking for errors.
If you haven't already concluded, I have OCPD. This is my first attempt to reach out in a group setting as I tend to avoid group settings most of the time. I am hoping, desperately, that I may be able to connect with individuals who understand the thoughts and way of doing things that are my mantras. I have found that as I age, it worsens. This scares me.
I used to think having OCPD was a gift--straight A's, perfectionism, tidy, clean, organized, type-A personality, high achiever, driven, motivated--all words that apply to me. However, there is a polar opposite to all of these--constant feeling of failure, substandard, never good enough, never perfect, double-checking, doubt, inadequate--all the feelings I feel but never express.
I am losing my connection with my young daughter because I am so uncomfortable with affection and emotion. I am losing the love of my life because my expectations are so high for myself and him; the idea of being alone sounds so nice, yet at the same time he makes me smile. I have no idea how to relax. I am simply floundering and tears fall down my face in my solitary room where no one can see me cry because heaven forbid anyone should know what a failure I feel like for not being able to control my emotions, my relationships, my feelings, everything.
P.S. My Cammer score is 86.