Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2014 3:00 am 
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Joined: Tue May 31, 2011 4:50 pm
Posts: 380
My ex was the only child of a single mom. Their relationship was very close when I met him, and didn't strike me as altogether healthy. While she is a kind and generous person overall, she's far from emotionally stable and very manipulative. That kindness and generosity comes with strings attached. When her son and I were engaged she would alternate between telling me I was the best thing that ever happened to them and that I was tearing their family apart - and that without me having any contact with her in between times. After awhile my then-husband began to avoid her. He only seemed to call her when I would remind him that it had been quite awhile since he'd spoken to her and maybe he should find out how she was doing. While her behavior troubled him, he couldn't seem to recognize that he was becoming more and more like her over the years. Now my kids avoid contact with her if they can.


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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2014 11:24 am 
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Joined: Tue Jul 30, 2013 6:40 am
Posts: 126
Ladies and gents, thank you all very much for your replies.

Bltmonty, you mentioned your MIL had said how horrible her son-in-law was yet you were surprised how nice he was. This is what I have consistently experienced from both the OCPD H and his family. I felt I was set up from the get-go and always wondered why I wasn't able to connect with any of them. Years later I came to realize that both the MIL and my H both have OCPD and they have a great influence on other family members. I will give you an example of what I have witnessed coming out of their mouth. My elderly aunt was visiting one day and had her customary 2 glasses of wine. The next day I overheard the H say to our son, "You know, Aunt D is an alcoholic." I couldn't believe my ears and confronted him the next day about it. Surprise, surprise, he denied he ever said it. He told me he didn't say what I heard him say. There is a definite disconnect between his mouth and his mind, however, I do realize this is the dissonance that others have talked about on this board. I really consider this particular trait to be very problematic.......saying negative things about people because this in turn leads people to think negatively about that person and can ruin many relationships.
There was a neighbour of my MIL's who approached her one day and told her to NEVER look at or talk to her again. Of course the MIL had no idea what that was all about because her favorite saying is always "I did NOTHING, I did NOTHING!

Waitingforacceptance, it is most unusual that you or your child have never met your in-laws. However, some OCPDers do like to keep you isolated, and for a reason. Is there a possibility that he has bad-mouthed you to his parents and he doesn't want them to see you're nothing like he said you are? In my case, the H and his mother love to bitch and complain about everything, and that includes other people. This is what happened in my case, anyway.



Waitingforacceptance,


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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2014 1:00 pm 
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Joined: Wed Apr 07, 2010 12:17 pm
Posts: 1935
Location: SoCal - 5 yrs moved out/4 1/2 yrs broken up w/6 year live-in with OCPD b-f.
My ex was the second pair of kids his parents had. Brother A, Sister B, a year apart, then, 15 years later, Sister C a year later, my OCPDx, the baby of the family. Brother A had 6? 7? kids and ex was closer emotionally and in age to his nephews and nieces than most of his sibs. Sister B had one daughter, and died during surgery to remove a ruptured breast implant (her abusive husband made her get them) before we had a chance to meet. Sister C is/was.... off, in some way, not sure exactly how. I came into his life just after his mother passed away while his father was in his last months of life. As far as I could tell and heard from everyone, his parents were loving, indulgent, "cool" parents who always made their children's friends feel like their house was their second home. (Hence I lean towards the nature/genetic component of OCPD - ex was NOT "trained" to be OCPD via harsh parenting, though I also think his parents may have been so lax that didn't help him either.)

Ex's whole family welcomed me, thought I improved his life tremendously and expressed gratitude for my presence in his life. I am still in touch with many of them via FB. He/we received many invitations for birthday parties, various family events, but he mostly didn't like going where there were noisy, messy little kids, so he/we declined a lot. Though on the occasions he interacted with children, he seemed to do fine and they ADORED him. His best friend & second family were likewise warm & welcoming & supportive of ME, have told me it was not my fault that the relationship didn't work, and that they will always consider me family.

He seemed to like having me take over social responsibilities for us, did not exhibit jealousy over their attention to me, or vice versa. (Unlike the jealousy and possessiveness he showed for so many other things, from time spent at work or reading books or occasional girlfriend brunches.) However, he carried a STRONG grudge against Sister C for various things, and would frequently "replay" arguments they had had, with him screaming at me as if I were her, until I put a stop to that. So I did keep Sister C at arm's length, both because he hated her so much, and because I don't entirely trust her, either, though it seemed she wanted to kiss up to me.

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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Fri Aug 29, 2014 2:43 am 
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Joined: Sun Aug 24, 2014 6:26 pm
Posts: 22
After realizing I have OCPD I think my father did/does too, but he's also a mean drunk, bully and sociopath, but I digress.

How did they treat me, and my sisters? They put us down, criticized us, made us feel like we were the reason they had to marry even though they clearly wish they hadn't. Standard line was my mother got pregnant and that ruined his life. He told us this and other similar stuff throughout our childhood.

They pitted my older sister and I against each other. Looking back now my parents were being little shits, but while growing up I disliked her rebellious ways, and we have our challenges today, so it worked.

Things like his smoking in the car with a window barely cracked while I begged to pull over so I could puke from the smoke, only to bitch about me having to stop, then lighting up again, then you guessed it me puking again. Wall to wall shit like that.

None of us siblings nor any of my fathers siblings has any meaningful contact with him. Our mother stood by and watched and benefited as he pushed us around, threw stuff, finger poked us in the chest, threatened us, and stole from the very people who gave them their existence and even still do from the grave.

Looking back we rarely had any friends over, and when I boomeranged to my grandmothers home in my mid-late 20's (parents firmly squatting on her for what, the third time?) I saw my father railing into my frail, 70 something widowed grandmother and then taping it to get her committed, and a ton of other manipulative crap like that. He also threatened her but shut the tape off during those times. I went to the police to see if I should stay or leave and an older cop doing paperwork looked up, confirmed my last name, and said 'oh hey this has been going on since you were in diapers.'

They have crushed my ability to trust people, live a fulfilling life, be fare to others and love myself.

It didn't have to be this way, they had decades of second chances from kids rising up to them like fish to bread, only to exploit that eagerness for some measure of satisfaction in killing off our joy.

I have more in common with a stranger on a bus because at least he's never fucked me over.


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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 4:13 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 03, 2010 1:54 pm
Posts: 1217
My ex-h has a brain injury, so no PD diagnosis, although lots of rules and controlling behavior, which I initially assumed were due to the injury (when I noticed them at all - I was used to controlling behavior from my FOO, so a lot of things seemed normal).

But when I met his family, it was obvious that just about everyone has OCD or OCPD. Just overwhelming, crippling anxiety in all of them, and lots of rules and rituals. They were all very nice to me, because they each saw me as a sort of insta-sister, better able to meet their emotional needs than my h, because of his issues. H also had a weird attachment to his mother, who had passed before I met him, to the point where he told me he married me because I reminded him of her so much. (I still don't understand why that didn't make me run screaming into the hills...).

It actually became harder to spend time with them once I became aware of my own OC issues and started treatment, because I could see how their anxiety triggered my own, and I found it overwhelming.

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"Grow or die, baby. Grow or die."

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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2014 1:16 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jul 12, 2010 9:29 am
Posts: 480
MY MIL and FIL (who are divorced for many years) tell me all the time how wonderful I am, how I'm the woman of the year and do so much and how grateful they are that I married their son. I'm glad they like me, however, they heap coals of fire on my head of guilt because they are just so happy that someone else is taking care of their dysfuntional adult son that they can't see how it has affected me over the years. This last Thanksgiving was the worst because I was making plans to move out come January and FIL always visits us during the holiday and stays with us. Everytime he saw me he heaped it on more and more and I would go to bed at night and just sob. It will be interesting to see how they take the news. Everytime I have a private conversation with MIL, she monopolizes the majority of the conversation telling me how her DS has not done some very important things for her that she needs help with. Financial things that she depends on him for. the problem is that she enables him too and will not give him a deadline or take it out of his hands. She is OCD and "asked him to leave" at one point when he lived with her because she couldn't stand the way he did things. She complains about both her sons not being there for her. she wants to know what I can do to help him get the things done she needs help with. I am fighting a losing battle myself but she doesn't seem to understand that. FIL is very much into himself, loves to travel and enjoy things his own way. They are both in their mid 80's so DH will have his hands full soon with caring for them. His brother just moved away, that was how he dealt with that responsibility. I imagine that things will be different in a month and they won't feel I'm so wonderful anymore.

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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2014 6:45 pm 
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Joined: Wed Nov 03, 2010 1:54 pm
Posts: 1217
MC1312 wrote:
I imagine that things will be different in a month and they won't feel I'm so wonderful anymore.


His family sounds pretty disordered themselves.

When my SILs met me, they hugged me and said "thank you for marrying him." The whole family was so relieved he had a built-in caretaker now who wasn't them. I should've fled, but just thought they were kind of over-doting. They actually were all pretty ok when I left him 7 years later, surprisingly - the main comment was "we can't believe you lasted as long as you did." :shock:

Different story, though, when I asked my son to move out when he was 18. He'd gotten into drugs, and had picked up his father's habit of ranting into my face and looming/towering to be physically intimidating. There's lots of OCD, depression and some OCPD and NPD in ex-h's family - pretty darn sure SaneSIL has OCPD, which tells you how disordered the rest of the family is, if I consider her the sane one! SaneSIL had always been very kind to me, including me in Christmas even after the divorce and remembering my birthdays. (CrazySIL was also kind, but is very ill and can't participate in relationships in anything like a normal way.) I was diagnosed with diabetes a few years before and take insulin. After the diagnosis, SaneSIL had consistently given me gifts like yoga paraphernalia and cookbooks, jewelry, etc. - all very thoughtful and personal. The year I kicked DS out, she was verbally very supportive, but sent me 5 pounds of chocolate from a corporate catalog for Christmas. I took it to work and gave it away, but have referred to it since then as the "festively wrapped box of anger and death." :lol:

Hang in there.

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This too shall pass.

"Grow or die, baby. Grow or die."

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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2015 11:42 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2012 10:16 am
Posts: 22
My ocpd's DH's family are unusual to say the least. I have been dealing with them and him for over 26 years. It's been challenging, and tough at times. My DH was not diagnosed until five years ago. He's been a life long alcoholic, and possibly has bi-polar as well. So not only do I get the job of dealing with a challenging disease ( up and down moods, violence, childish behavior etc) but also a family that refuses to admit he had an issue and that any one of them do as well.

His mom like him swings back and forth, between mania and nastiness. She has the hoarding, moving, touching, and judgemental tendencies so common in this disease. She lives in a dream world that has her age at somewhere around 50 ( she's 86) and everything is bright and shiny and fresh like it was in 1957.( when manic) His sisters are sick as well, one is manic and overly politically correct with a fear of getting old, one is childish, greedy, and manipulative. She's spent her entire life sabotaging her life so that everyone has to take care of her and her kids. The other one is pious, sanctimonious, and religious. She believes she is not mentally ill, because god cured her.

Recently, I put my foot down and asked him to stop drinking so we could get him back on medication. In the past, he mixed the medication and alcohol and it made him extremely creepy. Since he stopped drinking, his condition has worsened. His mania is through the roof and I never know what personality will come home in the afternoon. Having a conversation with him is tense, as he likes to fight.

I've tried to speak to them about his disease, several times. His mom blamed me, she told me I am the one who is mentally ill... NOT her baby. He's funny, and bright, and while challenging it's my job as a wife to correct my behavior so that it does not impact HIM.

To say the least, I dislike her. I think her illness makes her unaware of her son's illness, and this could have all been prevented if she would have taken the steps to get him help years ago. Instead, I am the one who ends up fixing her mess, while she stands in her kitchen humming a tune from 1958 with an apron on...


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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Sat May 02, 2015 11:34 pm 
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Joined: Mon Nov 17, 2014 11:10 pm
Posts: 138
Location: USA (east coast)
Mom listens briefly to me, then goes into "Oh, Let it go mode" (forgetting that is not my instinct to do), Sister listens to me not to understand but to fix, as soon as a pause she has a suggestion or answer - she hasn't even heard the whole story yet.

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OCPD Diagnosed Sept 2014, INFJ, HSP

Cammer Self Test 70
Too Perfect Self Test 13
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STOP; . . Let Go. . . Ok now WHAT are you GRATEFUL for? . . . Good, now shut up and be HAPPY!


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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Sun May 03, 2015 4:54 pm 
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Joined: Tue Mar 24, 2015 2:17 pm
Posts: 18
Treated like a maid and a piece of furniture. It was great, haha. I was just the thing that gave birth to the "perfect one's" "perfect children".
Until the next grandchild came...now mine aren't "the perfect one's" anymore. Sad.


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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Thu May 14, 2015 8:20 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 21, 2014 2:48 pm
Posts: 2185
Waiting,

I never met my son's parents. We were in a long term relationship (lived together for 4 years) and had a child together. He has a brother and sister and his parents live in the next state but didn't even come up when our son was born. They have seen our son a grand total of about 3 times, and haven't seen him at all since he was about 3 years old.

I did hear all about his strange abusive father quite a bit, and he told me stories of how his mother would drink a lot at night, likely to buffer the abuse she suffered from her husband. When we first met he would call them frequently, but as time went on he spoke with them less and less. His sister invited herself up for visits a couple of times and brought her husband and kids along. They stayed at a hotel in town and we spent time i=with them at our house and went out to dinner, etc. She seemed fairly normal, her husband is a pediatrician and she's pretty much a soccer mom. When we split up I finally learned why his family didn't come around much. They were relieved I had taken him off their hands.

Seriously, he had used them so much for money, cars, bailing him out of trouble, etc, that they were sick of him. I think he had convinced them at some point that they couldn't contact him because I didn't want them around, but that was never the case. I was always curious about them. I know that he at some point must have told them some awful things about me because I remember planning to go visit them on Easter once (we had been together 2 years at the time and this was before our son was born) and they called and told him not to bother coming if they were going to bring me. It was very strange.

I spoke to his mother once over the phone after we split up and she seemed like a nice enough person. She called to ask what to buy our son for his birthday. They send my son cards for birthday and Christmas and his aunt sends him a subscription to Highlights magazine every Christmas, but other than that, he has no relationship with any of them.

After that experience, I kind of think it's a red flag if your significant other doesn't want you to meet his family. He's hiding something, whether it's his own character flaws he thinks they'll reveal to you, or the fact that they are really screwed up.

Oh, and although I did meet SO's two brothers and his father, I never met his mother who was highly abusive to him and a horrible addict when he was growing up. Honestly, after all the horror stories I heard about her, I never wanted to meet her. I think SO was embarrassed of her and didn't want me meeting her for that reason.


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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Sat Jul 18, 2015 6:41 pm 
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Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2012 3:36 pm
Posts: 47
My in-laws and actually her entire family is very nice, friendly, supportive and understanding towards me. I think they admire me for being able to live together with her - because that is something none of them where capable of :mrgreen:

I find her family to be very friendly and open and supportive and relatively normal. Although her parents do show some minor signs of OCPD themselves and I do believe they are partly responsible for my wife's OCPD. Because while they are very nice to me, they are very strict with her. They realize that she has some issues so they are still trying to "educate" her. But they are going at it all wrong. They are always criticizing her and I never saw them praising her. And whenever something goes wrong they are blaming her behavior for it, which makes her behaviour worse.


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