Good afternoon. I am a newbie to this. My SO and I are now broken up, after his pledging his love to me, promising to spend our lives together, bringing me home (first tine since his divorce 15 years ago that he brought someone home). He said I was the love of his life and I don't doubt it. He is the love of my life. I am 49 years old, with two grown children, been married twice, once to an addictive personality person, once to a man who raised my oldest as his own since she was two and is still a friend. That being said, I never clicked with anyone the way I clicked with my SO, as my best friend, my confidant, the most intimate. Things were going great until the engagement and the changes looming before us. The arguments became worse, the changes he made to his routine during our courtship became difficult for him to maintain. Our mutual friend, who is still friends with both of us, once told me that in all the years he has known my SO, he never saw him be so dedicated and attentive with any woman, but he wasn't sure how long my SO could keep it up. Well I guess he could not. The arguments got worse, the attentiveness reduced, my insecurity increased (and I am a very accomplished woman who worked her butt off to get to where I am).
We broke up a few times. This time for good. He talks to no one. He talked to me about everything in his life, good and bad and I think I know more about him than even his family. He loves his family but keeps them at a distance. He has only one real friend, our mutual friend, but keeps him at a distance. He never kept me at a distance.
I could not believe when he actually agreed to go to my therapist. He ended up having to drive 45 min in traffic and blocking 4 hours in his workday to do a two hour session, one on his own and one together. He opened up to the therapist, told him he 'shuts down', which he knows is not good, agreed to use some tools from marriagebuilders.com and Fall in Love, Stay in Love. The first opportunity to use those tools he shut down. I am at fault for all arguments. He is an incredibly intelligent man, very successful, low self esteem, rigid, routine, always right,
After our last break up, I went to my therapist and he told me he believed, from all that I told him about my SO, his family, his upbringing, that he has overfocused behavior and possibly an overactive cingulate gyrus. After reading much of the research, I believe this is true. During my research, I found OCPD. I have a friend with a daughter with BPD, I am aware of OCD. I did not know about OCPD and I was a psychology major. I took the Test for overactive cingulate gyrus on his behalf and he definitely fits the bill. I took the Cammer on his behalf and he is 65 or possibly a little higher.
I truly believe he is OCPD with the overactive cingulate gyrus possibly being the cause or contributing to this.
My therapist applauded me for loving him enough to want to help him through this, even though we are not together, knowing that I have hopes of working things out. I know most of you just say move on, but I have never been happier in my life than when we were happy and I have hopes that if it was there once, it can be again. I know most of you say, it was never real, but it was. I know he still loves me and he is hurting too.
I printed out information from Dr Amen's book, Your Brain in Love, the chapter on Overfocused Lovers. My therapist gave me printouts on some clinical research as well. I wrote him a letter telling him I still loved him, that I hoped that he would read through the material, for himself, not for us or for me. I challenged his intellect by suggesting he do his own research because I know he is an intelligent man with a strong sense of curiosity. I told him I could not be with him if he chose to continue to hurt me.
Our last encounter prior to me going to my therapist, finding this out and giving him the material, we made love, which was at my request. With no pressure, he was loving, attentive, the man I fell in love with. The next day, he was playful, but needed to go slowly. We argued. He admitted he could not be okay with not having me in his life, but that he was a man who needed a lot of alone time, which did not allow for a relationship. This being said after the argument, his fears returning and his anger because I chose to go on a date with another guy, although he said he was okay with that.
So I went to my therapist, as mentioned, provided him with that material and have no contacted him in almost three weeks. He was used to seeing me at the gym, but I have been staying at my house on the weekends and not going down to my boat (he lives nearby the boat). He has made extra efforts to visit our mutual friend, once he realized I was not there (my boat is on the pier with our mutual friend's boat). He normally tucks his head in his shell and licks his wounds, so I found that odd and so did our friend. Clearly he is upset too. I am sure he is angry about my saying he has issues. After reading all this material on OCPD, I don't know if he will ever acknowledge any material.
HRH gave me hope that maybe he will. He is an intelligent, curious man.
My question is, what else can I do to help him with this? We are not speaking, but I am sure if I opened that door in some small way, we would. However, it would be on his terms and he would need to have the upper hand, which is not healthy.
I have had my share of relationships with addictive personalities and don't particularly feel like causing myself any more heartache, but the good did not outweigh the bad in that circumstance. In this case, the good far outweighs the bad and no relationship is perfect.
Any and all advice on how to proceed would be appreciated, but 'get out while the getting is good' while I would appreciate the thoughts, is not what I am seeking at this point.
Thank you for reading this very long message, if you got this far.
I truly love this man, and am in love with him. I miss my best friend.