Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Wed Mar 06, 2013 6:27 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2009 9:25 am
Posts: 4874
MarriedtoOne wrote:
I also know that I went with my current OCPDH is because he was TOTALLY opposite of my first husband... extremes are not a good thing.. especially in the choices I have made. My pendulum swung.
Same happened to me, I over corrected.

_________________
Married 10+ years
Diagnosed 18 years ago
Fairly good marriage


“ When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time."
― Maya Angelou


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Wed Mar 06, 2013 9:05 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2013 9:45 am
Posts: 33
Location: Roswell NM
more-freedom wrote:
MarriedtoOne wrote:
I also know that I went with my current OCPDH is because he was TOTALLY opposite of my first husband... extremes are not a good thing.. especially in the choices I have made. My pendulum swung.
Same happened to me, I over corrected.

Me too. Went from wimpy, wimpy alcoholic to controlling OCPDer. I thought by the third I would be 'just right'.


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Wed Mar 06, 2013 10:37 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 12, 2009 6:05 pm
Posts: 128
Same here. First husband was a extremely laid back, lazy, depressed person who couldn't move from the front of the TV for months at a time. The house could have burned down around him and he wouldn't have noticed. Over compensated to an anal-retentive control freak who wants to control me and everyone else, even strangers!


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Sun Mar 10, 2013 1:15 am 
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Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2013 9:39 am
Posts: 115
So maybe there is a bit of a trend here.... My first husband was also a very easy going person. I'm pretty sure we didn't have a single argument in 15 years.....


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 10:12 am 
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Joined: Fri Oct 04, 2013 11:03 pm
Posts: 252
my take... the stongest positive reinforcement is when it is intermittent. Psychology experiments have shown this phenomenon... We work hard at things when we know that eventually something good is coming our way... we don't know when but we know it will come eventually. So when we have good times with our SO PDered we hold on to that and the hope that more will come. If we never liked anything about them we wouldn't have gotten hooked on them


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Thu Oct 17, 2013 3:25 pm 
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Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 5:08 pm
Posts: 22
When I first met my OCDPer everything was perfect. Its like she 'mirrored' everything I wanted in a person/relationship. Things didnt change until about 2 months after we moved in together,and I guess she got comfortable and the OCPD traits started. Things really didnt get extremely bad until 2 years later when I started having money issues. (Never have to rely on a hoarder of money,its ugly.) And then I kept staying because I knew underneath was this lovely wonderful person I had first met.And she hoovered enough and showed me that wonderful person every time I tried to leave.(too many times to count) So that's why I stayed with her so long.....you keep believing in the 'Fairy Tale' that once was.Took me 5 years to realize that there was never going to be a 'Happily Ever After'.

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Luvknots

~What comes out of you when you are squeezed, is what is inside of you.~


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Tue Nov 05, 2013 5:17 am 
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Joined: Tue Nov 05, 2013 4:06 am
Posts: 19
Location: Ontario, Canada
In my situation, the OCPD traits of my partner are not such a huge issue all the time as other posters have noted of their own situations. I was raised by an untreated bipolar mother with a very ugly, mean and controlling side. My father was very laid back except for when his temper went off and especially as a young man, we never knew what would set him off. He was never abusive or anything, he would just get angry and walk away, calm down and come back to apologize. He is actually a very loving and wonderful father. My mother on the other hand was definitely emotionally abusive at times and although she never did it to me, she would sometimes strike my siblings in one of her rages over really weird things. I'm the youngest so I just learned to fly under the radar and keep to myself. Maybe my childhood allowed me to just live with this sort of thing and see it as normal. When my OCPD husband takes one of his fits it doesn't really bother me as much as it should, maybe. My father also worked on ships so was around less than half the time and I think that instilled a fear in me of those I love being absent (especially because he was the one to protect me from my mom when I screwed up and drew attention to myself). Maybe all of these things culminated in an acceptance of emotional roller coasters. It's not a bad thing, I don't think. This acceptance has never put me in a situation I was uncomfortable with or affected me negatively. It just makes living with an OCPDer much easier, I think. I know when my husband gets on with something that it's all bark and no bite and I know that he's a wonderful person who struggles every day not to be this way. So I have a lot of patience with him and because he tries so hard and really loves me so much, he doesn't really bully me the way a lot of OCPDers seem to do to their partners.

So I guess my childhood and relationship with my parents just taught me how to avoid confrontation and how to not take it personally when it can't be avoided. Because I just don't engage when he flies off the handle he tends not to do it AT me very much at all. Whatever the reason, I am glad I can deal with him so easily because as I said, he's truly a very good man and we actually have a very happy life together. My parents definitely taught me patience and acceptance when it comes to idiosyncrasies like the kind found in someone with OCPD. And while there are some lasting issues from my childhood and my relationship with my parents, I've worked through a lot of them and tried to take the positives from them instead. Patience and tolerance are the big ones and they definitely help my marriage operate more smoothly.

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Though much is taken, much abides.


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Wed Apr 16, 2014 9:09 pm 
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Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2014 7:16 pm
Posts: 2683
This is an old post, but my first husband was clearly a classic narcissist and extremely emotionally, verbally, and sexuslly abusive. So when I met my ocpd h, he seemed nothing like my ex. Now I know that he is just a different flavor and not as extreme. At least I feel like my current h loves me the best he knows how. My ex was just awful, and I still have night mares with him in them.


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2014 5:53 pm 
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Joined: Sat May 10, 2014 7:38 pm
Posts: 329
Location: PNW
alci wrote:
my take... the stongest positive reinforcement is when it is intermittent. Psychology experiments have shown this phenomenon... We work hard at things when we know that eventually something good is coming our way... we don't know when but we know it will come eventually. So when we have good times with our SO PDered we hold on to that and the hope that more will come. If we never liked anything about them we wouldn't have gotten hooked on them


My OCPDer is my mom, so it is a little different than a wife or husband being the one, BUT this statement rings very true. OCPD mom had moments that she was very charming and fun…all things nice. As a child it was wonderful when she was in a happy mood. Good things happen…but when she wasn't WATCH OUT! It turned me into a people pleaser; if I can please ocpd mom all the time…then it will stay good, fun…positive. So, that is what I did with people…pleasing them at my own expense. To some extent I have social anxiety….bc I never knew when the next attack was coming…so I feel like I have to be very cautious around new people.

One example: Really my shoes could be sitting in a spot and ocpd mom would have hers there too. A day later she is yelling at me for leaving my shoes there for SO LONG! (She had moved hers.) Apparently I am supposed to read-minds and KNOW that the shoe time for that particular spot had expired.

I guess I just didn't leave until I was 40, because she was my mother. Many people would be shocked to discover I don't like my mother. Those are the people who had normal mothers. It's hard to express the depths of the dysfunction when they have no reference point. I didn't realize that my mother was so mentally ill. She'd been that way my entire life, I didn't know that it was wrong for her to act like this. I thought that she loved me…I was wrong. My ocpd mother doesn't know what love is…in her version of love, we are puppets that do and say exactly what she wants us to.

_________________
--Escee

Key:
EF--enabling father
ES--enabling sister
FOO--Family of origin
Flying Monkey-- A person who is sent out by the OCPD-er to guilt, harass and hoover you by proxy for the OCPD-er's benefit.


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2014 10:15 am 
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Joined: Fri May 16, 2014 1:59 pm
Posts: 115
more-freedom wrote:
MarriedtoOne wrote:
I also know that I went with my current OCPDH is because he was TOTALLY opposite of my first husband... extremes are not a good thing.. especially in the choices I have made. My pendulum swung.
Same happened to me, I over corrected.



well said. same here.


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 10:57 am 
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Joined: Thu Jan 16, 2014 9:51 pm
Posts: 64
As far as initial attraction, she wanted to know every detail about me, listened intently, mirrored every thing I said and liked. She was very aggressive sexually, but still feminine and sweet... She text and constantly, wanted to be together every opportunity possible. what could be more attractive?

What a difference a few months later when the honeymoon phase faded...the anger, rituals, fears, my apparent inability to realize how things needed to be as she demanded, push/pull, demand resistantance, loss of communication, loss of intimacy...it was dramatic.

Yet...I wish she had awareness of her condition and wanted to try to improve. Id hoped I'd mean enough to her to want to understand something was wrong but it was not going to happen...not now any way. To remain I needed to see her accept something was wrong and want to try to work on it. I would have needed to accept that she had issues and realized that she would not be able to fill my needs any more than I could fill hers. However her intensity made her irresistible to me.


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 5:38 am 
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Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2013 9:39 am
Posts: 115
This is an older thread, but thought this article may be helpful for anyone looking for answers on this topic.

http://www.philosophersmail.com/relatio ... ng-people/


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 8:03 am 
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Joined: Thu Jan 16, 2014 9:51 pm
Posts: 64
Good article! I feel that way after being single...it's best when a couples disorders somehow mesh in the least damaging way. Years ago yahoo had their own dating site. When a member joined, one took a lengthy personal survey that generated a 20 page document that explained ones personality and the type of personality that was likely to go well when matched with ones own personality. It seemed to work much better than just randomly picking a person of interest based on a few statements of definition and physical attraction.

Trouble was people didn't like to be matched up that way. They wanted to go by romantic feel more than psychological matching. As I grow older, I can say it becomes more difficult to make the kind of changes necessary to be in a long term relationship or marriage. Not that I don't want it, just increasingly difficult for people to conform to each other as we age. It would seem their are plenty of people out there to find a working relationship with, but the difficulty in two personalities complementing, or perhaps even tolerating each other is high. The result is often to decide to slow down and really get to know each other well enough to see how good of a fit we are.

This can wear people down and become so frustrating that after a while people just give up and quit trying to find a psychologically, and romantically compatible mate. It's odd, but it seems after a while, many online dating forums become social networks...members remaining there for years becoming more interested in many interactions, largely extensive communication to determine compatibility and if the right one comes along, ok. That mode of interviewing and testing the potential of a potential partner can seem to become a permanent arrangement, staying in a state of constant interviewing, testing, and then rejecting potential partners. It seems that is when the best chance of a workable relationship could happen, but one can get hung up waiting for perfect! Both parties grow beyond the mostly romantic-based choice making, and develop skills for detecting interpersonal-traits that allow two people to tolerate each other, forming a possible foundation for a long term relationship.

But the heart wants to be satisfied too, so the next phase is to test the romantic compatibility of the relationship...another hurdle to span. But the priorities are established in a perhaps more logical way that if the couple can click, their chances are much better than

Doesn't sound as fun as falling in love and jumping into long term relationships but it doesn't mean romance is dead...it just shifts the priority to being able to tolerate each others specific personality characteristics before allowing romantic attraction and limited communication to be the only deciding factors. It's tiring though...and becomes a bit of a roller coaster ride trying to wait for a good match to come along. It's no wonder there are so many older singles today. Its also no wonder the divorce rate is around fifty percent. Scares me to think of marrying a person that's been married twice before too. Yet that person could be much more aware of the importance of selecting a compatible mate...if they have learned from the past. Seems couples will always need to take time to get to know each others personality characteristics in order to access long term compatibility.


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2014 2:12 pm 
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Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2014 2:39 pm
Posts: 256
My wife's parents were overly critical during her youth, as I have been in our marriage.

I believe people get with a mate who can stand up to the parent that they themselves can not, and in doing so put themselves with someone just like their problem parent.

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Middle-Aged Husband Father OCPD'r Able-to-Change
Cramer : 72
Too Perfect : Buku Yes's
Al Bernstein: 13


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 Post subject: Re: Theories on why we are attracted to, or stay with an OCP
PostPosted: Thu Nov 13, 2014 5:22 pm 
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Joined: Thu Oct 23, 2014 7:35 pm
Posts: 89
I did not grow up with anyone with any of these traits, but I am definately attracted to OCPDer's. Just about every man I have ever dated in my adult life have had traits of OCPD! I am the exact OPPOSITE and maybe that is what draws me to them. Opposites attract. My husband is super neat and tidy, I am a slob. Literally! He is quiet and restrains himself, I am extremely outgoing and spontaneous! He hates having to deal with people in general, I get along well with most people. The list goes on and on but I think we are both captivated by the differences in each other. The problem of course is that the same things that draw us together often draw us apart. I consider myself the "healthy" one, even though I too have my 'issues', so in order to keep peace, I have to choose my battles and just let stuff go!


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