Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Wed Feb 26, 2014 8:30 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jul 30, 2013 6:40 am
Posts: 126
I would appreciate hearing from anyone who's partner was/is OCPD.....in regards to how many other people in their family had similar traits.

I will give a little information about my own story, as an example:

I married into a family of Italians whereas I am Anglo-Saxon. I did not notice before the marriage that the future H talked a lot about his mother. The only things I noticed before the marriage is that 1) he told me that I didn't phone him as much as he phoned me and 2) that when his mother had a hysterectomy and he invited me over for the first time, he asked me why I didn't go into her bedroom and pay her a visit. (Well, duh! How about that she was feeling unwell and no one invited me to invade her privacy?)

I didn't think anything further of these questions because he didn't make them a big issue. However, after our marriage I noticed that he became more silent and didn't have much to say to me, except when it was about his mother.

The first unpleasant incident was when we were eating supper at our flat, and he told me that his mother was going to be making tomatoes (a yearly endeavour for many Italians for making tomato sauce) and that I should help. I told him that I wasn't interested in participating because it just wasn't my thing. Well, you'd think I murdered his mother! We were eating chili at the time, and he grabbed his bowl and in a rage threw it up on the ceiling. He scared me because he also rose up out of his chair as if he was going to come at me. I ran out of the room to the back yard and told him he was crazy!

After this episode, all he ever talked about to me was his mother.....his mother, his mother, his mother. Every time we were in the vicinity of his mother's house, we always had to go visit his mother. He enjoyed talking constantly about his mother, how beautiful she was, how smart she was and it reached the point that I told him to shut up about his mother because I was sick and tired of hearing about her (by the way, it was not jealousy, it seemed unnatural to me). Every morning when the H went to work, he would go to his mother's to have breakfast. He also said he wanted to get involved in politics in her area so that he could improve his parents' living conditions. (Yeah, this was getting VERY unnatural). In the meantime, I learned from my SIL that his mother always disliked me because she thought I was ugly and had a voice like a man, and ESPECIALLY when I wouldn't do what she wanted done. Also, when I was at the dinner table with them and unbeknownst to me because I didn't understand the language, I was made fun of by her whereby the family would laugh about it.

Fast forward today, I hate the MIL's guts. I haven't seen her for a few years now and I told the H that we should both go our own way. Don't ask me why I'm still here; it's complicated and I am in the process of coming to terms with leaving for financial reasons.

After reading this, can you tell me how YOU were treated by the OCPD's family? Those SOB's!


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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Wed Feb 26, 2014 9:44 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2014 6:41 am
Posts: 55
My in laws have always treated me very well. I suspect FIL also has OCPD. BIL has some issues as well, but not sure exactly what. He has been known to fly into rages with very little provocation. The only odd thing I noticed early on is that FIL will call DW several times a day, and she will call parents often as well. Everyone seems to be expected to cater to FIL's wishes.


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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Wed Feb 26, 2014 10:08 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 20, 2014 8:05 pm
Posts: 311
Hi cowgirl,

My in-laws have always been very nice to me all throughout my 18 year marriage to their son. They are quiet and soft spoken, although I don't really know what they really think of me in their minds. That said, I can't help it but feel a little resentment towards my MIL, who I feel, in her own mild mannered way, can be controlling at times. For example, when we were just newly married and was shopping for a ref, my MIL convinced my DH to buy the biggest one we can afford, all without consulting me. As our new home was very small, I wanted to buy an average sized ref since I grew up (family of 5) with one and it worked just fine for us. I also thought of the higher electric bill we would incur for a bigger one, not to mention the space it would impact on our tiny kitchen. But no, DH was taking his mom's word for it that we would need that big ref. Another instance I found annoying was during the time DH and I were planning our wedding and looking for a church where to celebrate the momentous occasion. When we told her the church we have chosen, her reply was "Why there? What's wrong with our Parish" Hubby gave her several reasons why we didn't choose our Parish. In my mind, why does she even need an explanation as to our choosing one over the other, it was our wedding, our choice, our life together.

Other times I get annoyed is when my MIL tricks my DH into keeping some of the items she has hoarded and about to dispose of. For example, there were two big boxes of old kitchen stuff. She told DH she can't keep them anymore because she doesn't have space, then proceeds to tell him what a waste it was and that they were really good quality and well made kitchenware. Did I mention we had a tiny kitchen? Now, 5 years later, those two boxes are in our tiny storage room, unused, unopened, and accumulating dust. Go figure.


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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Wed Feb 26, 2014 11:20 pm 
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Joined: Mon Nov 11, 2013 9:59 am
Posts: 213
My in-laws treat me well for the most part. However, when I told them about DH's diagnosis they were quite blasé about it. Now they take many opportunities to point out examples of when I am obsessive. They also seem to think that DH is just on the OCD spectrum, but that he controls it well and that it is just fine, that all relationships have problems . . . They seem unable to see that their golden child has a serious problem that is causing major consequences in our relationship. I think they also can't admit that he has a problem as they are hoarders, and to admit that he has a problem they might have to recognize the problem in themselves.


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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Thu Feb 27, 2014 5:37 am 
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Joined: Tue Feb 11, 2014 1:19 am
Posts: 106
I wish I could tell you but I have never been allowed to meet them :) I must be too un-perfect lol. Means they haven't met our child either, I think its a real shame :(


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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Thu Feb 27, 2014 11:40 am 
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Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2009 9:25 am
Posts: 4874
I could never understand why DH only contacted his mother and sister about 2x a year, until I met them. I have never seen a family as dysfunctional as this one.
Father - abusive, controlling and avoidant
Mother - abusive and controlling, very secretive
Brother - hoarder and avoidant (the most normal of all of them)
Sister - hoarder and rants for long periods of time. Abusive to her husband. Convoluted thinking

His brother has treated me fine. His mother was OK to my face but I never knew if I could trust her. His sister slams anyone if you don't agree with her political perspective (and we don't), her religious beliefs (and we don't) or her moral compass. At some point I told DH I would not be accompanying him 1000+ miles to visit his family. He didn't seem to care although I think he would have preferred for me to help him face the chaos. There was always screaming at some point during the visit (usually between the mother and sister).

I email occasionally with his brother and keep my distance from his sister.

I set the boundaries, not them.

_________________
Married 10+ years
Diagnosed 18 years ago
Fairly good marriage


“ When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time."
― Maya Angelou


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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Thu Feb 27, 2014 3:11 pm 
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Joined: Thu Dec 27, 2012 9:15 am
Posts: 511
waitingforacceptance, your in-laws have never met you or your child??? i try not to judge, but something is seriously, majorly wrong there. i would demand it regardless of the consequences. it is not fair to your child not to know his/her grandparents, and whoever is preventing this should not be given that much power. time to go in, and take some of that power away!


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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Thu Feb 27, 2014 3:30 pm 
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Joined: Thu Dec 27, 2012 9:15 am
Posts: 511
cowgirl, obviously, a lot of this is cultural, but not all. It is certainly unnatural for your hubby to be that close to his mother, but we both know that it is quite common. What a good MIL should do, to be a good one, is primarly not mix into your relationship. I am not in an OCPD relationship, and my MIL has never ever mixed in or tried to influence, and for that I am greatful. However she is a bit of an introvert, so when I say something, I don´t get too much feedback. It used to upset me on occassion or two, but then I realized she is just that way. Basically, just like my OCPD mother, I ignore these odd character flaws and just keep smiling and being myself. I send my in-laws photos, cards, and emails regularly to update them on everything. She once said that I send them mails more often than their own (other) son who lives nearby visits. For any relationship to work, even between a MIL and DIL, you gotta invest some time or show good will. Whether she deserves it or not is another question only you can answer.


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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Wed Mar 05, 2014 5:05 am 
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Joined: Wed May 20, 2009 9:56 pm
Posts: 2623
Cowgirl, Mother In Law Stories is a discussion forum about MILs that might possibly be useful. I'm recommending the forum part--the story part is, IMO, primarily for entertainment.


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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Wed Mar 05, 2014 11:55 am 
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Joined: Tue Sep 18, 2012 1:22 pm
Posts: 45
My SO's parent and 3 siblings all have OCPD traits. What annoys me is that my SO will complain about his mother or siblings behavior and call it "crazy" and turn around and do the same type of behavior himself! It blows my mind. The whole family lives in fear of the world and is always looking out for potential disasters. His father removed all the matches out of the house because he was afraid that a mouse would chew on the end of the match and catch the house on fire!


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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Wed Mar 05, 2014 2:41 pm 
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Joined: Mon Sep 16, 2013 5:32 pm
Posts: 22
Like Lorijo17, my mother in law, and her mother, are the foundation of the OCPD behavior in my DW. And my wife clearly notes this behavior in her mother. She has become the "counselor" for her brother and sisters when their mother comes to visit them and their young families. And my wife has benefited from seeing the OCPD behavior from her mother; but it's still hard to apply to herself. In other words, I get very little sympathy from my in-laws. In fact, it's very customary for my in-laws to criticize from the OCPD perspective all of their in-laws. When I first met my mother-in-law, I was surprised about how "horrible" her son in law was. But when I met him, he was great. I should have fled then...


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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Wed Mar 05, 2014 4:20 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2013 5:14 pm
Posts: 350
Hello all....especially LTOM, MoreF and Fava,

The estrangement of my OCPDW from her blood relations was one of the biggest puzzlers for me...She and I lived in the same small town as one of her brothers, sister-in-laws and favorite nephew [that brother and nephew had lived with her for nine years prior to the brother's remarriage] and in the same county as her entire family - mother, father, other brother and his family. Based on family pictures - secreted in drawers while she and I lived together - she had once been very involved with her brothers and their families. While she and I were together she declined every invitation. When I asked her why, she said that she wouldn't allow me to be subjected to her family's homophobia.

Sure enough, we ran into her sister-in-law on the village street. My OCPDr said to her sister-in-law and me "I suppose you two should talk and then walked away." The sister-in-law said "I am truly glad to meet you. Her brother and I heard she had cancer and that you two had gotten married in Iowa. We are happy for you both and wish you two would come to dinner...But if not, please tell her we just want her to get healthy and be happy."

The world should be filled with such 'homophobia.'


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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Wed Mar 05, 2014 7:22 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 11, 2014 1:19 am
Posts: 106
Dear OCPD&C did you ever uncover the reason? I have the same situation he claims to love them all but I have never even met any of them. Any ideas?


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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Wed Mar 05, 2014 7:59 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2013 5:14 pm
Posts: 350
Waiting,

I can only guess.

I know it wasn't disliking all family connections because, unlike many OCPDrs, she did not object to being involved with my relatives. She was as close as an OCPDr gets to one of my sisters. She was completely okay about traveling 800 miles with two of my sisters to visit the rest of my family even though she was in the middle of chemo. (She had breast cancer while we were together; I got the dx after we split up.)

She had cut off contact with her father - whom I think was OCPD - and by extension her mother because she would not leave the father many years ago.

With the siblings and their families, I think it was because she had never disclosed anything about her sexuality in 35 years of adulthood - even to the brother who lived with her. She probably did hear thoughtless gay jokes or at least unsupportive remarks at family gatherings. I think she did not want to have to explain herself to her siblings and justify why she had not given them the opportunity to either love her or reject her for her true and full self. Reject them first and spare being rejected or regarded as being a lesser child of god and in a second-class - perhaps sinful - marriage.


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 Post subject: Re: Please explain to me how your OCPD'rs family treated you
PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2014 12:25 am 
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Joined: Tue Feb 11, 2014 1:19 am
Posts: 106
That is a real shame, I think often that unaware"straight"people do make dis tasteful jokes without realising the impact, but not being given the opportunity to accept means they are also don't have the chance to alter their behaviour and realise their mistake. I guess I will keep waiting too, I an guessing the private nature of the disorder prevents sharing like a normal relationship. I have considered contacting them myself but am scared of the consequence, is a facebook friend request pushing boundaries I wonder? They can always decline:)


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