Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 8:16 am 
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Joined: Sun Sep 21, 2014 2:48 pm
Posts: 2185
I've been reading these boards for a couple of weeks now and I have found so many helpful tools for coping on my relationship with a man who has OCPD and CPTSD. My son and I moved in with him a couple of months ago due to my having an illness that wreaked financial havoc on our lives. Long story short- we lost our home. Asking us to move in here was a huge step for him, as he has never. Co-habitated with anyone, especially, as he keeps reminding me, someone with a kid.

I really identify with the emotional distancing, the rules, rants and rages about seemingly insignificant matters and I'm relieved to know that my not acquiescing to all of his silly demands is a good thing.

Here's a dilemma though that I haven't seen addressed here: he has a relationship with his dog that seems unnatural. The dog comes first ALWAYS. The dog, like him, can do no wrong. If the dog poops in the house, it's because my son and I moved in and disrupted the status quo, or because my dog made his dog feel insecure. The dog sleeps with us, on the outside of the bed, BF in the middle, me squished against the wall. At first he wanted to put the dog I. The middle but I protested vehemently. In the mornings the dog gets a kiss goodbye, I don't even get a goodbye half the time. Sometimes after ***, he rolls over and cuddles up to the dog. It seems as though the dog has become a surrogate for the human connection we used to have with each other. When he comes home at night the dog gets a warm greeting. Hugs and kisses and "I missed you all day!" And I often get grumped at for something I didn't do to his specifications. If my son has a bad dream and gets in bed with us it's a major inconvenience, but the dog hogging up the bed every night is fine.

We just returned from a week long vacation without the dog and while we were away it was great. We actually were connecting again. I was starting to feel god about things when after we got home, we were still getting along so well. But then the last two nights were hell with the dog taking up most of the bed, I actually ended up on the couch one night. Last night I slept with one leg hanging off the bed while he and the dog slept curled up together all nice and cozy all night long.

I love the dog too, but I love my man more. Im so sick of his obsession with this animal I'm ready to scream.

Also, on the note of work: his truck broke down 3 weeks ago before our trip. Since we returned I have been driving him to his first job in the morning, taking my son to school, picking him up at 11:00 and driving him to the second job, picking my son up from school and then picking him up from work again at 7:00. His truck sits at the shop where he works, he is capable of fixing it himself, but he's "too busy" to do it. Even on the weekend he had too many other things to do to get the truck fixed. I do dialysis at home while I sleep, and having to get up at 5:30 am means my therapy hasn't finished. I have to get up and drive him to work ( including his breakfast stop) with 2000ml of fluid in my abdomen, which is really uncomfortable. I get really nauseated every day from it. When I get home I have to hook back up to the machine to finish therapy before I can start my day. I didn't mind this for a few days, but now it has gotten old. He doesn't seem to even notice what a strain this puts on my body...or he just doesn't care. After all, his convenience is all that matters.

Long rant, I know. Anyone else ever experienced anything like this with your OCPDer and a pet?


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 10:19 am 
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Joined: Thu May 01, 2014 8:33 am
Posts: 320
Hi Lambkins and welcome to the board.

I can't say I have come across this sort of strong relationship with an animal but it does strike upon a subject that has come up here before. That of how OCPDers seems to relate to animals.

My OCPD DW has shows greater connection with, as well as much more empathy for, pets and other animals than she does with me and people in general. This has been seen in other people with OCPD aswel. There is suggestion that as pets don't 'answer back' and don't 'have minds of their own', as such, they are less of a threat to the OCPDer. Pets also show less emotional states and have needs that are easier to attend to than people. My DW said to me just the other day that tv appeals involving suffering animals make her sad and tearful whereas those involving suffering children do not. It is no secret that OCPDers have difficulties connecting with other people and more often we are seen as 'unreliable variables' in their lives. So there is definately something in this animal relationship thing. Perhaps others here can share more insight.

Put simply, some OCPDers seems more comfortable around pets than they do people.


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 12:32 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 20, 2009 9:56 pm
Posts: 2623
I agree that it seems consistent for someone who has trouble bonding with unpredictable, imperfect, demanding people might choose to bond with an undemanding, always eager-to-please, animal.

I'm worried about you and your son. Your SO is choosing to take actions that undermine your health, and that put you in substantial discomfort every single day. I see this as abusive. Putting you in pain/discomfort every day, and making a big show of loving the dog and disapproving of you, may be his way of communicating that he wants you out of the house. If he doesn't make you unhappy enough to get you out in this way, he could go on to more directly abusive behavior, against either you or your son. Even if it doesn't go that far, how does your doctor feel about your treatments always being interrupted? Could this eventually send your health in a downspin and make you unable to care for your son?

Do you have any sort of escape plan? For example, do you have enough money squirreled away to call a cab to take, your son, and your dialysis equipment to a hotel, and to pay for a couple of days, at the hotel, if the situation degenerates to direct abuse? If not, perhaps you could research women's shelters or some other interim housing solution, because that's what I would tentatively assume that you'd research at that hotel.

All of this is on the assumption that you can't afford to rent your own place, of any size. If there's any subsidized housing option that you're not pursuing (perhaps because of a long waiting list) you could file paperwork and get on any waiting lists. If you can afford a PO box so that you can maintain these communication without him having the opportunity to interfere (because even if he wants you out, the OCPD need for control may also make him sabotage your efforts to get out), you might want to consider it.

I'm worried about you.


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 1:18 pm 
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Joined: Wed Apr 07, 2010 12:17 pm
Posts: 1935
Location: SoCal - 5 yrs moved out/4 1/2 yrs broken up w/6 year live-in with OCPD b-f.
Yes, this is abuse, and it is very dangerous to you. What if you crash your car while you are driving back from dropping him off and you are seriously injured? What happens to your kid?

Sounds like he is passive-aggressively punishing you for "invading" his life. He can't openly blame you for getting sick, that would make him look/feel douchey, but doesn't mean that all these little things aren't his resentment, played out.

MAYBE he will get over it and get used to you & your son being there, and maybe it will get worse. In any event, you deserve better, and so does your child. I am sure you already feel somewhat down about this anyway, but I agree with fava, it would be a very good idea to research alternatives to continuing to accept this.

_________________
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. – Anaïs Nin
Follow the latest Scoop: http://www.scoop.it/t/iso-mental-health-wellness
OCPD SO info: http://perfectlyawfulusa.blogspot.com


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 1:55 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 21, 2014 2:48 pm
Posts: 2185
I appreciate your concerns, and want to be clear that although I M having to pause treatment in the mornings to drive him to work, the pause in no way decreases the effectiveness of my dialysis. It is just terribly uncomfortable for me. I know my SO can be passive aggressive at times, but I also know that if he wanted me out he wouldn't make me guess about it. His is, For the most part, very straightforward about the "bigger" issues.

I don't see this behavior with the dog or the truck as something go he's doing maliciously. My moving in with him was his idea--one that he had to convince me to do with much persuasion. I hesitated to make the move because of his nit-picky ways. I've only recently recognized those nit picky tendencies as OCPD. He is in treatment for PTSD and his therapist has told him he has OCD, but after reading more about the differences between OCPD and OCD, I've realized she has missed the mark a bit. He was unaware that he even had PTSD until I brought the symptoms to his attention. He has become more self aware recently, but wight that awareness seems to have come an expectation that I "excuse" and participate in his behaviors because as he puts it he's "f***** up". As a mental health specialist myself, I refuse to accept that kind of logic.

I have no doubt that he wants me there, or that he loves me and my son. I'm just sick of the dog getting literally in between us every time things start to improve and we start to connect on a deeper level.


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 2:15 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 20, 2009 9:56 pm
Posts: 2623
Lambkins70 wrote:
It is just terribly uncomfortable for me.


However you see his attitude overall, he is choosing to take actions that result in daily substantial discomfort for you. He could correct that situation, and he chooses not to.

What would happen if you refused to drive him? Can you find a carpool for your son that might let you participate for extra gas money, rather than driving?


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 2:29 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 21, 2014 2:48 pm
Posts: 2185
I have no issue with driving my son to school, since in that instance my dialysis has time to complete by the time I get up. I'm not sure what he'd say if I said I refuse to drive him? This morning was really rough with the fluid overload and nausea and I really was at my wits end because he woke up with this nasty attitude like we were inconveniencing HIM somehow. I wanted to tell him he has to fix his truck today but I knew if I broached the subject my whole day would quickly go down the drain because of whatever angry outburst/guilt trip he decided to lay on me about not wanting to drive him.

Interestingly enough though, I think he sensed my frustration because he called a few minutes ago and said he was "thinking" about fixing his truck today. I said that'd be a great idea and after that he was ready to hang up. He knows he has crossed a boundary. Still, even with the transportation issue resolved, I dread going to bed tonight with the dog. It seems like an issue that has no solution. If I bring it up, he sees me as being petty and jealous of, of all things, his pet. It's so much more than that though. He uses the dog a a shield to keep me at a distance and I'm weary of it.


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 2:45 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 20, 2009 9:56 pm
Posts: 2623
Lambkins70 wrote:
Still, even with the transportation issue resolved, I dread going to bed tonight with the dog. It seems like an issue that has no solution. If I bring it up, he sees me as being petty and jealous of, of all things, his pet. It's so much more than that though. He uses the dog a a shield to keep me at a distance and I'm weary of it.


Is moving somewhere else completely off the table?


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 3:00 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 20, 2009 9:56 pm
Posts: 2623
One thing to keep in mind is the "I'm cold; put on a sweater" factor. OCPD often includes a problem with empathy, in the sense of having trouble processing the fact that other people have different thoughts and feelings from the OCPDer. That whole theory of mind thing.

If your SO doesn't feel uncomfortable and nauseated, then I suspect that a large part of his mind is telling him that you don't feel uncomfortable and nauseated. If he does the cognitive work to accept that fact that you do feel that way, his mind may soon wash it away.

So even IF he is well-meaning and doesn't want to cause you pain, you're probably going to have to remind him, over and over and over and over and over, that interrupting your dialysis is unacceptable. If he feels OK, and you're not actually vomiting over the side of the car, he's probably not going to be genuinely aware of the issue.


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 5:18 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 21, 2014 2:48 pm
Posts: 2185
I basically have no financial resources right now that would facilitate my moving elsewhere. I get disability and I have a very part time job, but neither pays enough to qualify me to rent anything even close to acceptable for me and my boy. The place we share isn't at all fancy or even nice, but I won't find anything else for 300 a month. I tried for months before my house foreclosed and got turned down over and over again. My credit is horrible because of medical bills and it's tough for me to hold down a full time job, even if I could find one, which I haven't been able to do either.

I appreciate the point about lack of empathy, and that is perhaps what I struggle with grasping the most. If a person can't empathize at all, can he even love?


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 6:20 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2009 9:25 am
Posts: 4874
YES, I know about the pet stuff. OH MY GOSH, YES!!!! He bought a cat AFTER we started dating and AFTER I told him I was HIGHLY allergic to cats. Then when we married and we were supposed to sleep in a DOUBLE bed with the cat getting 1/3, DH getting more than 1/3 of the bed and me holding on to the edge all night hoping not to fall out. Yes, I get the animal stuff!!! AND he would turn and face and cuddle the cat all night. It makes me want to scream just writing this out. And in the morning he set aside 15 minutes to play with the cat. Then he would read the paper. There was no time to spend in conversation with me over breakfast.

I finally SCREAMED and said, this is the deal, we need a king size bed and the cat needs to GO, at least out of the bedroom OR I will be sleeping at my own house. That was enough to wake him up. That week he got a king-sized mattress. It took about a year but he finally got rid of the cat too.

But for you, the circumstances are different. You can't leave. So I would suggest your boundary will be that you will no longer sleep in his bed. He must choose you or the dog and don't feel bad if he chooses the dog. Its his house and you need a roof over your head. And believe me, you have turned his world upside down. To some degree, you need to be patient and look at what he has provided. My husband thought the world was coming to an end when I refused to have dinner by 5:30 so imagine how your SO is coping.

As far as the truck, I think its more than fair to say or SCREAM, I WILL give you 4 days (2 or however many) to get the truck fixed. I can no longer do this and should not be doing it now. I get VERY sick when I come off dialysis early and I refuse to put my health at risk for doing so. And I would make sure he is extremely aware of how uncomfortable you are. When you are sick, text him about 6 times in an hour.

The other question is, can you start the dialysis earlier in the evening?

Unfortunately, you need to do the very best you can. But my concern is, I don't see him putting up with this forever. I would consider an alternative solution. Is there family you can go live with or old friends? Or a church that can help? What about a social worker? My concern is that he is not healthy either and one day he could simply put you out on the street or he will become so unbearable that you will need to get out immediately.

_________________
Married 10+ years
Diagnosed 18 years ago
Fairly good marriage


“ When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time."
― Maya Angelou


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 7:02 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 21, 2014 2:48 pm
Posts: 2185
Quote:
Unfortunately, you need to do the very best you can. But my concern is, I don't see him putting up with this forever.



He's not "putting up" with much of anything. Since I moved in I am the maid, the shopper, the cook, the dog **** cleaner, the dog food cook, the laundry doer, the grocery buyer, etc...Not to mention driving him to work the past week. He's got it made and to a certain extent, he knows it. Like I sad before, it was HIS idea for us to move in here, and now that we are here he doesn't even want to hear me speak of finding my own place.

He can be a real pain in the *** to live with at times, but compared to many of the people I've read about on this board, he is a saint. I say that to say: even though he does have OCPD, he is somewhat self-aware and is working on these issues as he was before I moved in. He knows he's a pain in the *** but he doesn't always understand WHY he's a pain in the ***.

As far as the truck goes, he did call about an hour ago to ask me to pick him up this evening, but hearing the frustration in my voice he changed his mind and said he was going to stop working on the boat he was fixing and fix his truck instead so he could drive it home. At least at this point he is getting somewhat perceptive to the fact that I'm done with the BS without me having to throw a fit about things. As far as screaming or yelling at him, that would absolutely never work. He would shut down so fast it'd make my head spin, and besides that, I'm not a person who is comfortable raising my voice. I do have my ways of getting him to hear me though, even if he doesn't understand me.

The dog will NEVER go anywhere, except maybe to the foot of the bed. He's even in bed with us when we have ***. It's a real turn off for me but it doesn't seem to bother him in the least. Sometimes the dog will decide to get up and go lie on the couch instead of the bed, at which point OCPDer will call him back with that dejected tone in his voice that he is so hurt by the fact that the dog doesn't want to be in bed with him. I've already been thinking that I need to start sleeping on the couch, so maybe that's what I'll do...


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 9:12 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 20, 2009 9:56 pm
Posts: 2623
Lambkins70 wrote:
As far as the truck goes, he did call about an hour ago to ask me to pick him up this evening, but hearing the frustration in my voice he changed his mind and said he was going to stop working on the boat he was fixing and fix his truck instead so he could drive it home.


This is good, but do you mean that he's driving it home tonight? In other words, is this a situation where he put you through all this discomfort when he could have fixed this truck in ONE EVENING?

It's hard to describe how furious I would be in that situation.


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 11:09 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 21, 2014 2:48 pm
Posts: 2185
It's actually worse than that. He drove it home WITHOUT fixing it. He says it needs a new fuel pump but he has to drive all/most of the gas out before he can put the pump in. So...he drive it home tonight, then drove it back to the shop because he said he left something turned on that he shouldn't have, but I suspect that was an excuse to go get his phone that he forgot. He can't go one night without playing Clash of Clans, his newest obsession. I am sleeping on the couch tonight. No discussion about it, no comments from him.


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 11:13 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 20, 2009 9:56 pm
Posts: 2623
Lambkins70 wrote:
It's actually worse than that. He drove it home WITHOUT fixing it. He says it needs a new fuel pump but he has to drive all/most of the gas out before he can put the pump in. So...he drive it home tonight, then drove it back to the shop because he said he left something turned on that he shouldn't have, but I suspect that was an excuse to go get his phone that he forgot. He can't go one night without playing Clash of Clans, his newest obsession. I am sleeping on the couch tonight. No discussion about it, no comments from him.


Yikes. I can't wrap my mind around what he was thinking, but making you drive him all this time was just breathtakingly arrogant.


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