Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 11:23 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 20, 2009 9:56 pm
Posts: 2623
Lambkins70 wrote:
I appreciate the point about lack of empathy, and that is perhaps what I struggle with grasping the most. If a person can't empathize at all, can he even love?


I don't know, but I think that at the very least, you're going to have to be very direct. Very, very direct. For example:

Him: "So I'll need you to drive me to work."
You: "I'm not done with my dialysis."
Him: "Well, hurry up; I can't be late."

You meant, "No." He didn't hear you. So you try again:

Him: "So I'll need you to drive me to work."
You: "I'm not done with my dialysis. I'll be in pain and nauseated if I do that."
Him: "Well, hurry up; I can't be late."

He still didn't hear you. You need to be direct. Absolutely direct:

Him: "So I'll need you to drive me to work."
You: "No. I'm not done with my dialysis. You can wait ninety minutes, or call a cab."

If he's stressed, he may still not hear you. You just keep refusing. Your lack of action may be the first thing that he really "hears". This level of not-hearing is unusual, but in my experience it does happen sometimes.

Him: "Hurry up; I can't be late."
You: "No."
Him: "Why aren't you getting up?"
You: "I'm not going to take you."
Him: "Why didn't you tell me that before?! I'm going to be late! You have to take me now!"
You: "No."


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2014 1:38 am 
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Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2009 9:25 am
Posts: 4874
[quote="Lambkins70"]
Quote:
Unfortunately, you need to do the very best you can. But my concern is, I don't see him putting up with this forever.

He's not "putting up" with much of anything. Since I moved in I am the maid, the shopper, the cook, the dog **** cleaner, the dog food cook, the laundry doer, the grocery buyer, etc...Not to mention driving him to work the past week.

I am sorry, I don't mean to upset you. I don't doubt that you do A LOT for him. But my point is, I suspect rather strongly that you have really rocked his world. Not only are you moving into his space but your son and dog too. This is a tremendous amount of change for an OCPDer.

BTW you have a tremendous amount of power regarding that bed. Just shut off *** and see what happens.

I was just married and had no idea how much power I really had. In fact, I was clueless. Today things would be very different. Had I realized, I could have moved out and not seen him till the cat was gone.

Hang in there. Keep us posted and please take care of you, first and foremost. You are worth it!
_________________
Married 10+ years
Diagnosed 18 years ago
Fairly good marriage


“ When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time."
― Maya Angelou


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2014 7:19 am 
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Joined: Sun Sep 21, 2014 2:48 pm
Posts: 2185
It's the perfectionist if thing. He wouldn't bother fixing the truck until he had "time" to do it all at once, I.e., draining al the gas out, taking off the bed, replacing the fuel pump and then putting the bed back on. The truck is like an extension of himself, so he couldn't risk driving it at all with something even slightly malfunctioning, even though it was and is still drive able in the meantime. I suspect he still won't fix it until it breaks down completely, then I'll have to go "rescue" him and he'll be angry with me because his truck broke down.


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2014 7:58 am 
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Joined: Mon Jul 07, 2014 3:00 pm
Posts: 36
You seem to be giving a great deal in the relationship, Lambkins70. You say that 'compared with others on here, he's a saint.' That really isn't the measure that I would be going by. Like others, I am concerned that you have nowhere else to go, but I am also concerned that reading through your posts you seem to be constantly making excuses for his awful behaviour. I do understand that you want to focus on the positives and want this relationship to work, but if a friend of yours told you that her partner was treating her like this, what advice would you give her? Take care of yourself and your son.


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2014 4:41 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 21, 2014 2:48 pm
Posts: 2185
Quote:
but I am also concerned that reading through your posts you seem to be constantly making excuses for his awful behaviour.


Excuses? I don't know. There is no excuse for verbally lashing out at me or throwing tantrums about crumbs on the kitchen floor or a spoon in the sink; but then again, aren't we all on here because there is a person in our life for whom OCPD is the REASON these things happen? Are we not all here to learn skills for dealing with these behaviors?

I am in a situation that is less than ideal for me right now because of my health and finances, but I am not a door mat and this is something my SO knows. I do not simply lie down and take whatever he dishes out. I challenge him and there's something inside him that knows he needs that. We have been together for over 3 years, through lots of ups and downs and we know each other very well. Still, I am just starting to learn about this disorder, which is complicated enough without the added facet of PTSD added into the mix.

If he were not actively seeking help, trust me, I would be sofa surfing or living with a family member or something. This living situation is something we talked about at length because of his resistance to change and because of my concerns with his rigidity. In the last couple of months we have really struggled with this change, it has been hard for both of us. I lived on my own for 15 years and he has never lived with a woman before. It has been an uphill struggle for both of us. If I had not witnessed some improvements in his behavior by now, I would be actively seeking my exit.

The truth is, many things have improved. The nit-picky comments rarely surface anymore unless he's had an unusually stressful day, and when they do arise I have learned 1. not to take them personally, and 2. Not to give him the response he's looking for i.e., a fight. Simply learning for myself how to diffuse a tense situation with him has gone a long, long way in helping us both cope with his twisted thought processes. I've learned that if I stay calm and remove myself emotionally from heated exchanges with him, he quickly cools off and starts to see his behavior for what it is. Then we can have a constructive conversation that addresses the real issue at hand, which usually has NOTHING to do with the unswept floor or the fact that the trash can is too full.

Still, my expectations remain realistic. I know he will never be forthcoming with apologies. Affection from him will always be sporadic. He will never be able to admit when he is wrong about something even though I remind him often that it's okay to not be perfect.

As far as the issue with the truck goes, it seems to be settled without my having to really get aggressive about it. Like I said before, he's starting to recognize when he's crossing my boundaries without me having to say much about it.

The issue with the dog isn't something new in this relationship. When we first met he didn't have the dog and our relationship progressed as any normal relationship would. Then when the dog came along (he basically rescued the dog) things changed almost over night. The dog became the target of his affection because I guess the dog felt safer for him. We went for nearly a year without seeing or speaking to each other, during which time he dated a couple of other people, but primarily spent most of his time alone in this house with the animal. For the most part, I think he was pretty content with just the company of the dog, but after a while, the isolation got to be too much for even him. That's when we started talking and seeing each other again. Now it comes in waves. We have a nice peaceful period when we get along well and start to grow closer, then he withdraws and starts placing all his energies back on the dog again for a while. It's as if his fears are somehow alleviated by having the dog around in case I don't stick around--because either way, he won't have to be alone. I'm in no way excusing this behavior, but at a certain level, I can understand it. I hate it and it hurts me more than I can say, but other than tucking tail and running from this relationship altogether, what can I really do to change it?

I am wise enough to know that I am the only human over which I have any control. My responsibility is to respond to whatever life throws at me in the most healthy manner possible. I know I cannot survive by appeasing his twisted thought processes or enabling his dysfunctional behaviors. It wouldn't help either of us if I took that route.

I'm glad I found this forum, and a group of folks who have lived with someone with OCPD and can understand what I'm dealing with. It really feels good to be able to tell someone about this stuff without worrying that they'll think I'm the one who is nuts.


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2014 5:11 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jul 07, 2014 3:00 pm
Posts: 36
Hi, I don't for one minute think that you are nuts, but I do think you are too close to the situation to be able to see it as clearly as an outsider.

You say that you are not 'enabling his dysfunctional behaviour', but have given examples of doing that very thing. By interrupting your dialysis to drive him despite the pain this causes you, do you not feel that you were?

Re the dog you say:

Lambkins70 wrote:
I hate it and it hurts me more than I can say, but other than tucking tail and running from this relationship altogether, what can I really do to change it?


You could say "I'm not prepared to make love with you whilst there is a dog in the bed!" That sounds perfectly reasonable to me...


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2014 5:25 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 21, 2014 2:48 pm
Posts: 2185
I said before, that driving him to work for a few days to give him time to fix the truck wasn't a big deal. Those are the kinds of things you do in a relationship to help one another out, after all. It isn't always convenient when a car breaks down. The problem came when he started acting as if I were inconveniencing him somehow yesterday morning, and when I realized he was in no hurry to get the issue straightened out, again this was all yesterday. I did make my displeasure known, and today I did not get up and take him to work--his truck was here and he drove himself.

As far as the dog in the bed, the issue isn't just with ***. It's the whole idea of his being so attached to the animal that the animal/human relationship gets in the way of the human/human relationship. I can give ultimatums, but even if he changes the fact that the dog sleeps with us, his feelings towards the dog will not change. I'm just saying that I do not have the power to change how he feels, either about me or about the dog. Perhaps that's what frustrates me most.


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2014 5:28 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 20, 2009 9:56 pm
Posts: 2623
Lambkins70 wrote:
I said before, that driving him to work for a few days to give him time to fix the truck wasn't a big deal


But he could have fixed the truck. He could have gotten a cab. He could have borrowed or rented a car. He could have gotten a ride from a friend.

He was forcing you to experience severe discomfort because he didn't want to experience the discomfort of not indulging his perfectionism in fixing the truck. I do not feel that that is a normal relationship compromise. I do agree that you were enabling his issues by agreeing to drive him.


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2014 6:48 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 21, 2014 2:48 pm
Posts: 2185
Maybe I'm not communicating clearly here. As far as I knew at the time, the situation with the truck was such that it couldn't be fixed in a short amount of time. The information from which I was operating was that the truck was non-drive-able, but that he would have it fixed in a couple of days. So taking him to work for 3 days seemed reasonable, to give him time to catch up at work and get it done. Once I realized I was being taken advantage of, I spoke up for myself and let him know that the situation was not okay. That was yesterday, and today I didn't drive him and I won't be driving him again. So perhaps it was enabling that I took him to work, but working with what information I had at the time, it didn't seem unreasonable. I have needed him to drive me before when I had car troubles and my other friends and family and I have done the same for each other before. I still don't think it's out of the realm of normal behavior to help him out if he's having an issue with the car. The issue became unreasonable once I realized he had no intention of getting the problem taken care of in a timely manner as long as I was willing to keep inconveniencing myself to drive him. As soon as I came to that realization, I let him know it wasn't okay and it got resolved. I think it would be enabling if I continued to do it day after day just to appease him even though it was bad for me. I didn't do that though, at least once I caught on to what the real deal was.

I don't want to get bogged down in the issue with the truck,since I really do feel it's resolved at this point. It was thoughtless and selfish of him, but now that I'm aware of the reality of the situation, I can better enforce my boundaries.


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2014 7:48 pm 
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Joined: Wed Apr 07, 2010 12:17 pm
Posts: 1935
Location: SoCal - 5 yrs moved out/4 1/2 yrs broken up w/6 year live-in with OCPD b-f.
Lambkins, you did good. The problem is/was him being more willing to put you through pain/discomfort than himself, and your fear (rightful, I think) that he would drag the repairs out indefinitely.

Don't want you to feel we are all ganging up on you.

However, while I am all about sharing the bed with cats/dogs/kids, NOT during ***. That is creepy, to have *** while your pets are staring at you. So saying, all of the above must be OUT of the bedroom during lovemaking is not unreasonable.

Hugs.

_________________
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. – Anaïs Nin
Follow the latest Scoop: http://www.scoop.it/t/iso-mental-health-wellness
OCPD SO info: http://perfectlyawfulusa.blogspot.com


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2014 5:16 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2013 5:14 pm
Posts: 350
Yup...dog more important than me in many instances but nothing beats that missing the dog was more important than a 2-day honeymoon. OCPDr and I went out of state to get married. OCPDr's one friend was to come in and feed/water/walk dog. OCPDr left her wallet on the roof of the car; it fell off...we had to retrace 90 miles but found the wallet. We got married...then the next morning she announced that she wanted to drive home, rather than have one day off work and away from household demands on day following her one and only marriage "because I miss my dog" We drove home in silence.


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2014 8:52 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 21, 2014 2:48 pm
Posts: 2185
I really sympathize with you. Leading up to the only vacation we've ever taken without the dogmy SO was nearly in a dither about us flying instead of driving because that meant we couldn't take the dog. I really thought he was going to back out on the whole trip at one point. He complained more about missing the dog while we were gone than I did about missing my kid. I just think this kind of attachment to an animal is unnatural.


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Fri Apr 28, 2017 5:10 pm 
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Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2016 1:32 pm
Posts: 7
So it isn't me. We got a dog, and he definitely gives it more care and attention than he gives me. Honestly, he used to seem interested in me, but, since the puppy, nope. Eight months ago he invited me to meet him in Spain for a ten-day vacation at the beach. Now, with the dog, he has told me that he cannot take the dog down there, so we should not go, that he can cancel the hotel. Well I cannot cancel my flights from across the pond, so I am going, alone, for ten days. He made some effort to find a sitter/make arrangements, later, to spend some time down there, but I said "not necessary--I will enjoy the break, and seeing Spain for the first time." He cautioned "now are you going to be mad at me for not going?" Uh, yeah. But, honestly, no. So I guess dog wins and so do I--Prado, here I come!

Seriously, always, after that glorious initial courting period, all semblance of love and attachment are gone. We are like roommates (no *** since dog), and, since he insists on doing almost everything because I am unable to measure up, there is little for me to do. We are engaged, and, yes, the marriage is in limbo. I keep asking myself "can I live like this forever after?"


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Mon May 01, 2017 2:04 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:08 pm
Posts: 608
Lambkins70 wrote:
I appreciate your concerns, and want to be clear that although I M having to pause treatment in the mornings to drive him to work, the pause in no way decreases the effectiveness of my dialysis. It is just terribly uncomfortable for me. .


You know and we know it doesn't decrease the effectiveness...but I don't think it would be a lie for you to day "My Dr. wants me to finish dialysis in one sitting so you are going to have to get your truck fixed. You are going to need to have someone from work pick you up or take a taxi."


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD SO and his dog
PostPosted: Fri May 19, 2017 11:21 am 
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Joined: Sun May 14, 2017 6:28 pm
Posts: 15
I also have this same situation with my wife's dog to me it's this unnatural bond that's hard to explain but your correct the dog can never to any wrong especially when it DOES do wrong and if it does wrong then it HAS to be either myself or my child's fault it would never be the dog he also ( the dog) sleeps with us and makes it very hard to sleep but it's not the dogs fault I can't sleep etc etc when she comes home from work the dog gets full attention so to speak I could go on and on about the relationship with the dog so I DO know what your talking about fully


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