Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Thu Apr 27, 2017 12:16 am 
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Joined: Thu Aug 28, 2014 1:09 pm
Posts: 2315
DF,

Checking in on you as you move through this difficult time of great change. I'm glad that you're able to notice and enjoy the peace and quiet. I don't think you're wrong for maintaining a civil relationship through the process while trying to be clear about the reality of the future.

Once the situation is more resolved and you don't need to work together or have as much contact, you (and possibly he) can choose to pull back further.

Hugs!

RT

_________________
RikkiTikki, 23 yrs married. July 2014 aware of OCPD, Sept 2016 divorced
XH=non-diag OCPD (Narc?) DS=21, DD=18
RL - Rekindled Love, BF from 20's Back in life

The beginning: rt-lift-off-rikkitikki-s-chronicle-t5072-2775.html


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Thu Apr 27, 2017 10:44 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2017 7:56 am
Posts: 41
Quote:
Do I regret leaving him? NO. Would things have changed if I had stayed, pushed, tried something? NO NO NO. It was not going to. After all of those years, the counseling, the changing me, trying to help. Part of me is sorry I did no leave sooner, but its ok. I have left NOW. I know I will get through this and I will have to process, have my ups and downs. I love the quiet in the evenings.


Reading your two year ordeal helped me. I knew I didn't want to spend that much of my life trying to change someone who in all likelihood couldn't be changed (and in my case, was clearly signaling he didn't want to).

Thank you for your struggles :)

I feel like I owe you for (mostly) not regretting that I've chosen now to leave.

_________________
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪
Take a bow,
the night is over
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Thu May 04, 2017 9:17 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 417
thenightisover wrote:
Quote:
Do I regret leaving him? NO. Would things have changed if I had stayed, pushed, tried something? NO NO NO. It was not going to. After all of those years, the counseling, the changing me, trying to help. Part of me is sorry I did no leave sooner, but its ok. I have left NOW. I know I will get through this and I will have to process, have my ups and downs. I love the quiet in the evenings.


Reading your two year ordeal helped me. I knew I didn't want to spend that much of my life trying to change someone who in all likelihood couldn't be changed (and in my case, was clearly signaling he didn't want to).

Thank you for your struggles :)

I feel like I owe you for (mostly) not regretting that I've chosen now to leave.


Thank you for your kind words, I wanted to both document this process so I could see what was going on ( I noticed my softening of memories) and also provide others with some experience including techniques and perspective.

More people at work now know about my divorce, which I have mentioned causally. A close co-worker of mine discussed her marital situation - with righteous indignation, insistence of being right, ownership of the truth, inability to execute. The multi hour battles. It appears that our husbands may be 'brothers' :( . I sent her the link to "The RIGHT Stuff" article and mentioned this site to her for research.


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Thu May 04, 2017 9:30 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 417
Update - We are moving forward with listing the house. We continue to be amicable in this process though the anxiety of things is ramping him up. He continues to be helpful at my place for certain things and dog sitting when I had to attend a funeral this past weekend. (can't have just 1 thing going on must have many things LOL). Clock is ticking to final papers, he has signed them but we have continued conversations that indicate he could do a freak out so I am keeping it light, positive, and focused on NOW. Other notes from our recent conversation.

1. He is happy because I can no longer control him.
2. I am the reason he has not achieved his pilot's license.
3. He admires my business ability and my fantastic business mind.
4. I don't understand how I effect people in conversations and discussions.
5. He is getting 'pennies' while I am keeping everything
6. He has been TOLD how things are going to happen
7. I don't know how to communicate - I just TELL people what to do and MAKE them do things
8. He is happy that I am helping him with his car search and explaining the real estate items to him.

So - blame, projection, lashing out, anger...... It has been very interesting. He goes there and I just listen to him. There is no reason to JADE here. It is so far from reality there is no reason to defend. Also continual reminders that I have done the right thing.

I bring him back to - here is where we are now. I want to handle this with compassion and kindness. He tries to go off with " I have been asking for this for years" I come back to I cant change what happened last week or last year, all I have is now.

Get the house listed and sold.
Get to final papers.

I know my focus and my path.

Dragonfly21


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2017 11:05 pm 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 417
This has been a difficult week for me. Busy at work, new promotion, additional department. Very exciting but overloading my plate. Had a confusion issue with a change of date I received from the court for the divorce and when I was emailing then court the staff person indicated i had not done it correctly and here is what I need to do to correct it and it resets the waiting period. So dealing with this as I go from meeting to meeting on Friday and book a conference room to cry and get myself balanced and then keep going. Turns out he was incorrect and apologized in an email late in the day but I was exhausted with all of it.

Mothers day is hard as I lost my mother to illness several years ago. This has been a stressful year and did not help things. StBXH is trying to be helpful as he knows this is hard time, but that is messy also as we are in the middle of "A moment of clarity"

I posted on another's question who was experiencing this but did not realize it. I am in the middle of one now with my STBXH. An event - me moving out and filing divorce is a significant "Moment of Clarity". He is truly concerned about what will happen next, he sees the errors of his ways and is working hard now to show a different side of himself. He tells me about his meditation, his studying things of the mind to change his mindset and outlook, moving forward with what he wants to do with aviation. He asks questions about financing and real estate. It sounds SO wonderful, SO great. I KNOW IT WILL NOT LAST, I KNOW IT FOR WHAT IT IS. The glimpse of him trying and working hard, knowing that in time OCPD will ROB him of that and it will change. The compassion I show for him now and trying to be kind will be called out to be manipulative, and lying and whatever else comes up that changes his perception of the past.

When I first saw this "moment of clarity" happen regarding our divorce, I was angry. IT WAS A LIE! Now as it has in the past, makes me sad and hurts deeply. To see the forward progress to know that it will all be lost and consumed, washed away by the OCPD. I cannot fix it but I mourn the loss. With everything else this week, this has added to my saddness. I have a good place that I live, my animals, and a calm peace that I appreciate. I will continue down this path. Painful but only way to the other side is through the chaos. I will get there.

Dragonfly21


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2017 9:50 am 
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Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 9:37 am
Posts: 1
Dragonfly,
I am a recent lurker, new member. I followed your entire thread and wanted to tell you how much it helped me. As you mentioned, there might be others out there for whom your story would help, and I am one. In my case, it is a sibling, who has always been obsessive, but after some major midlife changes has ramped up the OCPD considerably, just as you predicted. I am really struggling trying to figure out how to relate to this "new" person, who probably isn't new at all, just a technicolor version of what they were before. So I'm reading, learning, and reflecting. In the meantime, thank you for contributing this thoughtful and detailed diary, which I am sure has helped so many people.

I hope things continue to move forward in the divorce as well as can be so that you can blossom in your new life without your STBX's anxieties constantly weighing you down. You gave this relationship every opportunity to succeed. Time to move on with a clear conscience.

We're only on this planet for a brief period. This is your time. Very best wishes!


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