Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Fri Feb 24, 2017 12:12 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 425
H and I had a good conversation on the phone this evening. He appears to be accepting and trying to start getting things situated. The tone of the conversation was very similar when he was in touch with his awareness before it started to slip away that I have mentioned in previous posts. The conversation was good and we are starting to lay the groundwork for the separation of assets. He indicated he wanted to do this respectfully and with kindness and that we are 2 people who love each other but cannot be together. I would like that to be the case, but as a banker, until we are signing documents it does not count. Had a conversation with another attorney who, should this go nuclear, I will retain her has counsel.

This is still hard, it sucks. I will miss my friend. The good part of my H. I will not miss the other side of him.

Dragonfly21


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Fri Feb 24, 2017 12:24 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 425
realitycheque wrote:
Hey dragonfly,

Your poignant late-night post resonated with me. Some of the comments my ex-wife emoted to me were very similar, as were the feelings of mourning I experienced through several such marriage-ending discussions (yes, there were more after the "I want a divorce" one as she kept holding out hope even as the separation/divorce agreement was being hashed out over 10 months). I tried being understanding and was empathetic to what she was going through. But she could not admit to her behaviors being culpable for the relationship decline and dissolution, and blaming and scapegoating emerged as she become increasingly frantic to get back control and cling to the image of herself that she wished to project externally to family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and acquaintances.

I appreciate how you have approached this situation, and it sounds like you are adequately prepared to see the plan through and minimize the chances of DH derailing it. I needed to be clinical / matter-of-fact about the process, which my ex (as a Feeler) could not understand. Her going through the acceptance and mourning process, and her communications to me during that time, meant that I had to experience it twice, so take note that it may happen to you as well. I wish you the best in your new life. It was worth it for me to start anew.


You mention the several marriage- ending discussions and I reminded myself why I went the route of leaving this way. Whenever I would try to have a conversation about this or considering it, it would get waylaid, sidetracked or dismissed. I also thought if I had told him and then had to continue to live there, the barrage of arguments and pleading would be a nightmare.

It also reminds me that this current decent behavior could change. I will attempt to move things forward as quickly as I can so things can be completed.


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Sat Feb 25, 2017 2:39 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 425
Spent Friday evening getting my new place in order. H and I will visit tomorrow about some next steps and I will pick up some of the items from the house. At this point, the transition is peaceful. This is some quiet times now, peaceful times. I do miss my friend, the good parts of H. One of the reasons that I stayed so long is that he was not bad ALL the time. We had good times. We had an intellectual connection on many levels and had some wonderful and stimulating intellectual conversations. He was not angry man all the time, and those times could be great. We shared 4 legged dependents, a love of good food and the outdoors.

I look back now and see the dawning realization that this was not going to change. Ever. The 2 year documentation that I have on this forum helped me draw common points to a previous years and that acceleration that happened when he turned 40 and a “preview of the coming attractions” prior to that.

I know that, while he is a good person and I love him, parts that were being consumed by the personality disorder or whatever it should be called because he was not formally diagnosed, was slowly but consistently taking over. Like the rising creek, it was coming and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. It was not my responsibility and I thought to myself, what if I am here when we are much older and he continues with the increased anger and bitterness? Why would I wait when I could be too sick or exhausted to leave later?

I remind myself of a phrase I heard long ago “better to be lonely than wishing you were”. I would rather deal with the loneliness that have to walk on eggshells, monitor my conversations, and be prepared for whatever fallout is triggered.
There will be good days and bad along with some average in between. I can get through this, it will be painful as all big changes can be. I will make it.

Dragonfly21


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Sat Feb 25, 2017 12:03 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 12:58 pm
Posts: 74
Hi D21,

You sound very thought-through. You have been very methodical in your approach. It was a not a rash decision.


" miss my friend, the good parts of H. One of the reasons that I stayed so long is that he was not bad ALL the time. We had good times. We had an intellectual connection on many levels and had some wonderful and stimulating intellectual conversations. He was not angry man all the time, and those times could be great. We shared 4 legged dependents, a love of good food and the outdoors."

I am glad to hear there were good parts to your marriage. Like some on this forum, maybe after time the two of you can consider to be friends.

My relationship with my H had nothing of the positives you mentioned. You were right to worry about what your life would be like if you grew old with him. Whether it's OCPD or something else or a combination of...my experience is that it got worse. And yes, better to be lonely than wishing to be. The next step really is to grow your friend circle.

I love reading your updates. So inspiring.

Movingon


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Sat Feb 25, 2017 3:54 pm 
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Joined: Wed Oct 31, 2012 9:09 am
Posts: 1083
After 4 years away ..I still miss my friend .But as you have said..the disorder was consuming him and as a result my exh self medicated with alcohol.All a terrible tragedy for our relationship .
I could no longer shoulder the burden of his disorder.
I am lonely but there are worse things in life.
gs


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Sat Feb 25, 2017 3:54 pm 
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Joined: Wed Oct 31, 2012 9:09 am
Posts: 1083
After 4 years away ..I still miss my friend .But as you have said..the disorder was consuming him and as a result my exh self medicated with alcohol.All a terrible tragedy for our relationship .
I could no longer shoulder the burden of his disorder.
I am lonely but there are worse things in life.
gs


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Sat Feb 25, 2017 5:03 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2015 7:26 pm
Posts: 588
I'm a bit ahead of you df but you are the right track and have your sh*t together. I have not filed for divorce but ex and I have everything worked so that is just a formality at this point.

It's a big transition, a lose of lifestyle. With each month it seems I am more and more at peace with my new life and could never go back. I do miss the ideal of marriage and my family being whole, but we work through the bumps and most things are better. I am more confident,comfortable and positive than I have been in years. I plan things and look forward to them. I do nothing sometimes and enjoy it. I pursue friends and hobbies and work on myself with each thing I do.

You've got this!


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:25 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 425
gardensanity wrote:
After 4 years away ..I still miss my friend .But as you have said..the disorder was consuming him and as a result my exh self medicated with alcohol.All a terrible tragedy for our relationship .
I could no longer shoulder the burden of his disorder.
I am lonely but there are worse things in life.
gs


Thanks Gs. I agree with what you are saying. You can relate to the creek rising, it is not explosive or raging, it is just a steady increase the rise of the water that goes EVERYWHERE. Always present and permeating everything. Can't get away from it and it wears you down.

Dragonfly21


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:40 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 425
Movingon wrote:
Hi D21,

You sound very thought-through. You have been very methodical in your approach. It was a not a rash decision.


" miss my friend, the good parts of H. One of the reasons that I stayed so long is that he was not bad ALL the time. We had good times. We had an intellectual connection on many levels and had some wonderful and stimulating intellectual conversations. He was not angry man all the time, and those times could be great. We shared 4 legged dependents, a love of good food and the outdoors."

I am glad to hear there were good parts to your marriage. Like some on this forum, maybe after time the two of you can consider to be friends.

My relationship with my H had nothing of the positives you mentioned. You were right to worry about what your life would be like if you grew old with him. Whether it's OCPD or something else or a combination of...my experience is that it got worse. And yes, better to be lonely than wishing to be. The next step really is to grow your friend circle.

I love reading your updates. So inspiring.

Movingon


Thanks Movingon,

I want to continue to post in this thread that I might provide some insight and perspective to others dealing in this area. I will never know them, and that is ok. I hope to provide that information that they had searched for when their partner had certain quirks or behaviors.

This reminded me of the time when my h caught me in an act of charity that I do. On occasion, If I am at the grocery store and the person behind me has a small purchase and it is apparent they are struggling, if I can give extra cash to the cashier to for their purchase without them knowing who did it, then I will. The same thing if I am at a restaurant. We had an experience about a month ago at a local diner where we met some neighbors for dinner. A older man near us who was dressed a bit threadbare, had ordered the cod sandwich and a coffee. He appeared to be on SS ( can spot them from my past life in retail banking) after everyone in our party had left I went to the owner and paid for our meal and asked that I pay for the man anonymously. The owner indicated that this man came 2 x a month and she picked up his coffee. My H came over and started to hustle me, what is going on, etc. I told him I would tell him when we get into the car. He got a bit frustrated and I gave him the look. When we got to the car, I explained that I would do this on occasion and it had to be anonymously because that is truly the way to give - without acknowledgement. He just stared at me and then said, wow that is wonderful and went on and on. I told him he was not to tell anyone and that I do not want or expect acknowledgement for what I do. He was proud, yet confused, I could tell. I could see the conflict with Wow look what MY wife is doing and the right thing to do. :lol: :lol:

Dragonfly21


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:42 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 425
Learntofly wrote:
I'm a bit ahead of you df but you are the right track and have your sh*t together. I have not filed for divorce but ex and I have everything worked so that is just a formality at this point.

It's a big transition, a lose of lifestyle. With each month it seems I am more and more at peace with my new life and could never go back. I do miss the ideal of marriage and my family being whole, but we work through the bumps and most things are better. I am more confident,comfortable and positive than I have been in years. I plan things and look forward to them. I do nothing sometimes and enjoy it. I pursue friends and hobbies and work on myself with each thing I do.

You've got this!


Thanks LGF - I will post an update next of my meeting with H. I agree, there will be transition and bumps and I seem to be getting through it ok.

Dragonfly21


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:54 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 425
I went over to our house today to meet with H and get some more of my things. It was a good, painful, sad and forward moving conversation. We discussed division of the household stuff, the bigger assets and some timelines. He had purchased some soup from one our favorite restaurants and we ate while talking about that. He has packed things up for me and I was able to take some of it with me. It was good, sad, painful, moving forward. Messy, sad, but respectful. We were both crying but got through it. There were some things he was worried about, freezer and the food, 4 wheeler, that I said I could take. He expressed some relief. We were able to discuss the bigger items, the timelines and next steps. It was good, but so hard.

I could already feel a release of the this house as being "mine". Some of my things were there, but it was almost as if when I signed the lease for the new property, I let go of this one. We had not been in it long - purchased in May 2016, but I thought it was a bit eerie and odd. I am hopeful this can continue, and I am planning to review the do it yourself filing to see if I can facilitate this quickly while we are in a good place. He indicated that it was important to do this with kindess and respect, because that is the kind of people we are. I will run with that. I love him but know I made the right decision. I mourn the loss of the dream and the loss of a friend. I hope to continue to be kind to myself and keep things balanced.

My plan tomorrow is to stay at my new place and continue to organize and get things put away. Help to continue the calm and me moving forward. Painful. Sad. But needed.

Dragonfly21


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Mon Feb 27, 2017 6:37 am 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2017 7:56 am
Posts: 49
dragonfly21 wrote:
I could already feel a release of the this house as being "mine". Some of my things were there, but it was almost as if when I signed the lease for the new property, I let go of this one. We had not been in it long - purchased in May 2016, but I thought it was a bit eerie and odd.


We moved into our family home together last year also, June.

It is hard looking out at the big yard that I had anticipated my daughter having play dates in. At the same time, I've let myself dream about what our next situation will look like and there's a lot of appeal there.

_________________
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪
Take a bow,
the night is over
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Fri Mar 03, 2017 11:48 am 
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Joined: Thu Aug 28, 2014 1:09 pm
Posts: 2315
Hugs to you! Hooray for peace and good rest! There is more of that to come.

_________________
RikkiTikki, 23 yrs married. July 2014 aware of OCPD, Sept 2016 divorced
XH=non-diag OCPD (Narc?) DS=21, DD=18
RL - Rekindled Love, BF from 20's Back in life

The beginning: rt-lift-off-rikkitikki-s-chronicle-t5072-2775.html


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Sat Mar 04, 2017 12:04 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 425
RikkiTikki wrote:
Hugs to you! Hooray for peace and good rest! There is more of that to come.


Thanks RT! One step at a time. I am getting there.


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 Post subject: Re: OCPD conv with H
PostPosted: Sun Mar 05, 2017 11:49 pm 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 425
Met with H yesterday to pick up additional items from the house. We have continued to have conversations about next steps and his steps via text. I continue to realize that he is starting to move forward with things but there is a hesitation in next steps. He also expresses concern with things that he will need to make some decisions on. There is the near constant commentary about money, as he is truly realizing there will be some cash outlay for him to transition. He does not have any idea on what this is costing me to transition, which is crystal clear to me when he mentions how much it will cost him to do x. :?

One of our pets is geriatric and his time is coming. I had indicated this to H for at least 6 months prior to my leaving. I did not take this pet to disrupt its current structure and left it in the care of H. He is a loving animal parent and the full force of the cost in special food and care taking has become quite obvious in our recent conversations. Amazing how perspective can shift with the responsibility does. it was hard to see him this weekend, he knows I am not there and I am missed. That breaks my heart more than the disintegration of my marriage sometimes. We will probably schedule a time for him to cross the rainbow bridge in the next few weeks. Hard part of a furbaby mum :cry:

Things are amicable still. I hope to file jointly in the next 2 weeks. H is in agreement at this point, so we shall see. I have hard days. I cry every day, am sad, but know it is the right thing. Will keep going.

Dragonfly21


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