Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: New to the board, looking for help!
PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2017 10:50 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 14, 2017 10:19 pm
Posts: 2
Hello everyone!

I found this board while researching OCPD, and am hoping I can get some answers. My situation is a little different from anything I've been able to read about online. This is super hard to talk about, even to strangers but I need whatever perspective you are willing to share with me.

I'm living with someone who strongly meets the criteria for OCPD, but has a snowball's chance of ever getting a diagnosis. I've listened in on the handful of therapy sessions he's had with his therapist. I know it's wrong, but he lies to me so much it was the only way to get the truth. Makes me feel like a slug. Long story short he's completely snowed her (not related to our relationship), so my expectations of him being honest and open to therapy are zero.

When I moved in, the place was indescribable. It was roach infested and so crammed with crap that you literally had to climb over things to get anywhere in the house. There was fetid water in the kitchen sink. It was really bad, but I didn't have anywhere else to go and I loved him. I just thought he needed some help getting things put right. Wrong.

I moved across the country for this guy, and spent 12+ hours a day cleaning his house, working with an exterminator, etc. for the first SIX months. He fought me every step of the way. I have a pathological fear of cockroaches (these are giant Texas ones too). It was horrifying.

Once I got the place free of roaches and the common area cleared, I started looking for work. There just wasn't anything out there. I had previously worked in film (the artistic side) and no one would hire me even with ten years of previous experience running technology based offices. He works in IT, and had told me that I should consider retraining into IT. The program I'm going into doesn't start until the fall (three semesters), but I'm working hard on a certificate I'm going to need to get a job. I have no prior experience in IT of any sort, but I've always been good at school, and I'm always the "Excel person" in an office. I have connections to get me a job once I'm done with school.

Since I've become financially dependent upon him, the behavior has gotten so much worse. I have to line each item on a spreadsheet and submit it for his approval. I'm talking car insurance and the very basics. I'm living like I'm on welfare, while Amazon packages arrive every day with more stupid b*llsh*t to add to the pile. There is no intimacy, he only cares about his job and his secret pill habit for his "migraines".

I'm tired of walking on eggshells. I'm tired of his job seeing his "nice" side, while he rants to me for hours about them at home. Every single thing is about him. I feel invisible except when he needs a whipping boy. Anything I say that he doesn't think is "right", and he'll hold it against me for months. Things that I've never done, that he thinks about are held against me for months, and the brought up when he feels like emotionally abusing someone.

I have zero feelings for this guy, and the very second I can leave I'll be a ghost. For those of you who have lived with a partner like this, will you share your coping mechanisms? We have no kids or financial ties, but I'm absolutely worried about what he'll do when I leave.

Thank you for reading this.


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 Post subject: Re: New to the board, looking for help!
PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2017 11:24 am 
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Joined: Tue Nov 04, 2008 3:12 pm
Posts: 715
Hi trappedfornow,

Welcome to the forum. Honestly, it doesn't sound much like OCPD to me. Continuous lying is rare in OCPD. Typically those with OCPD are wired to tell the truth as they see it, and to lie goes against their grain.

If anything it sounds more like narcissism (NPD) rather than OCPD, which are polar opposites. Both disorders might be said to want to "control", but those with OCPD wish to control the world around them in a conscientious way to satisfy some external standard, while those with NPD are better at controlling other people, manipulating them emotionally, with the goal of the one with NPD somehow satisfying themselves emotionally, getting a kick out of manipulating other people. They see themselves as above others, like in a power dynamic. Those with OCPD are quite poor at manipulating others emotionally. Just not their skillset.

Also, those with OCPD are typically just as hard on themselves (or even moreso) as they are on other people, while your guy sounds hard on you but not hard on himself at all.

Diagnosis is hard. None of us here are mental health professionals, so we can't diagnose, but besides that, it's harder to do it third-hand through an internet message board. If he has OCPD and you ask him a question, he'll likely tell you the truth as he sees it. If he has NPD and you talk to him honestly, he'll just use it against you at a later date. It sounds like you're being careful and doing what you need to do.

Good luck,
Sincerely, Paul


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 Post subject: Re: New to the board, looking for help!
PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2017 2:07 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 14, 2017 10:19 pm
Posts: 2
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.

I realize that I'm in an unfortunate position to play arm chair psychiatrist. Upon researching personality disorders, he hit just about all of the DSM criteria for OCPD. I'd like to stick around and read about folks experiences from both sides of this (living with it, and their relationships with other) to see if I can glean some some coping mechanisms.


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 Post subject: Re: New to the board, looking for help!
PostPosted: Sun Apr 16, 2017 5:40 pm 
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Joined: Sun Apr 11, 2010 2:15 am
Posts: 251
Why aren't you just leaving? Don't worry about what he'll do without you, he'll do what he did before he met you. Will he worry about you? Just finish your studies elsewhere or go back to your previous industry.


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 Post subject: Re: New to the board, looking for help!
PostPosted: Sun Apr 16, 2017 11:04 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:08 pm
Posts: 608
Obviously you need to leave this person. If you feel you cannot, then talk to a women's shelter or similar to help you get out.


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 Post subject: Re: New to the board, looking for help!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 18, 2017 9:40 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 10, 2017 7:32 pm
Posts: 22
Hi,

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this no matter what the diagnosis. As with many other stories on here, it sounds like a complete nightmare. You've certainly not given us any sort of information that would lend us to empathize with him. You seem pretty confident that he will be unable to change no matter the diagnosis, and it also seems as though no matter what he did you've checked out of the relationship. I have a video series on YouTube called OCPD: My Life In Debris. I cover some subjects you bring up. If you feel like watching it and you have specific questions, you can feel free to PM me right through YouTube. If not, I wish you all the best until you're able to exit this situation.


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 Post subject: Re: New to the board, looking for help!
PostPosted: Thu Apr 20, 2017 7:33 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2011 4:07 am
Posts: 985
Hi trappedfornow,

The best way to know if your guy has ocpd or not is to take the Cammer test; you will find it on this board. The 'ocpd'ers do not lie stuff' is not enough for me to discount ocpd. On the other hand, it does not matter what exactly is wrong. He probably IS an unaware ocpd'er of the hoarding kind, but even if he is something else, chances of fundamental change are not good at all.

The main thing is that you are sure you need to leave. The way to do that is to make a plan. This is about economics, and about getting in contact again with your former network of friends, find relatives willing to help you out, trying to set some money apart (difficult, I know, but still), make an inventory of what you have in terms of assets, update your resume. Start doing things to prepare your get away. And that is what it will be: a sudden, unexpected get away, a plan fully in place, enough money set aside to make it through a couple of weeks (or go to a shelter for abused women).

Make this plan for yourself, you deserve it. Good luck to you.


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