Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: New to page helppppp
PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2017 6:43 pm 
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Joined: Sun May 14, 2017 6:28 pm
Posts: 16
So thankful for finding this page I have been married to a women for 3 years who is ocpd but I don't believe she understands she is ..."nothing is ever done correctly if it's been done by myself when I ask why she has done things in ways I've never seen done before in my 49 years of age she replies with " that's the only way to do it " household chores are either never done correctly or " the correct way " should take a lot less time with a much better result...I'll stop there with my message her ways cover over 90% of the ocpd symptoms I'm sorry for the rants can anyone help me understand The Who's what's why's of what's going on I love this women but there's days where I feel like I'm in a mind field blindly led or I've stepped into a alternate world


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 Post subject: Re: New to page helppppp
PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2017 10:03 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:08 pm
Posts: 619
Welcome!

OCPDers seem to suffer from anxiety..so doing things the "right way" they think helps reduce the anxiety...but then something else will pop up.


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 Post subject: Re: New to page helppppp
PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 2:02 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2011 4:07 am
Posts: 987
Welcome,

Well, you are in a mindfield ( I like that word a lot, it says it all). You need to understand that doing things 'the right way' is soothing an enormous level of anxiety, in the same way as a kid that avoids stepping on cracks in the sidewalk in order to avert an imagined disaster. Except: in order for that to work, there needs to be a rational explanation for the rules. Since you are living with her, you need to acceppt the truth behind the rules AND you need to follow the same rituals because their logic cannot be faulted (otherwise she needs to find other rituals to soothe her).

And, as Bopper puts, then something else pops up. It never ends.

Good luck to you...


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 Post subject: Re: New to page helppppp
PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 5:50 am 
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Joined: Sun May 14, 2017 6:28 pm
Posts: 16
Thank you both for the help mindfield is a perfect word because you never know when your gone step on another one .are all people with ocpd negative in most thoughts (work field and outside world there is very little negativity other then others are not doing anything correctly but in the home life boom landmind)The biggest issue I am having is the " belittling " they seem to attempt to use on people close to them again thank you for your help it's really comforting to know I am not alone


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 Post subject: Re: New to page helppppp
PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 9:17 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 417
Hi and Welcome LG!

Here is an article that gave me so much clarity.

https://www.ocdonline.com/the-right-stuff

You can see my story under "OCPD Convo with H". I spent a few years documenting my relationship, the individual and marriage counseling and the process and steps I took to try and "upright the ship" so to speak.

Please keep reading - I found this information very helpful. The Greenies (aware people with OCPD) have been invaluable to me to help understand what is going on in my STBXH's head. Awareness is the key. If your spouse is not aware and will not address it, there is nothing you can do but either continue to navigate the minefield or leave.

I did not want to leave my marriage, but there were 3 people in it - Him, me, and OCPD. I was tired and my body told me I could no longer live like this.

All the best to you during this difficult time

Dragonfly21


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 Post subject: Re: New to page helppppp
PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 2:06 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 11, 2017 11:29 am
Posts: 6
Hey Luckyguy,

I have just learned about OCPD about I week ago (I'm pretty sure I have it) and it has been a very enlightening but also extremely difficult week. I believe you are correct in saying she doesn't understand she is, I have been realizing more and more things it has affected(why it bothers me people cut across lawns, asking my wife why she is taking a certain route to our destination when it makes much more sense to go a different way). For me it wasn't/isn't so much that I was doing it the "right way" or the only way to do something, it was rationalized to me that it just made more sense to do it this way, so why do it a different way? I feel very fortunate to have stumbled upon it myself as I m not sure how I would have taken it if presented to me.

I do not know how or even IF it is possible to convince your wife to look into it but she must realize it is a problem before she will change.

To go along with my earlier examples, why should it matter to me if somebody cuts through a lawn? If it is not my lawn, it really should not concern me. And my wife is a perfectly capable driver and knows how to get there, so why should it bother me if she doesn't go the way I think she should? These are the sort of conclusions your wife will have to come to as well, although it will likely frustrate her if you try to convince her of it.

Best of luck to you! Please don't give up on her!

Let me know if I can help understand any other aspects!

Hunter

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


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 Post subject: Re: New to page helppppp
PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 9:58 am 
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Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:08 pm
Posts: 619
And like Hunter mentioned about driving a certain route...that could be an example of where it may be a little faster to go a different way...but it is the inability to prioritize how big of a deal to make out of that...and also the number of issues that you make a big deal out of...
Often OCPDers will not be able to day "going that way is no big deal so I will notsay anything"...they will act like it is CODE RED but then they see someone cutting across a lawn and that is also CODE RED. It is exhausting.


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 Post subject: Re: New to page helppppp
PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 10:08 am 
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Joined: Sun May 14, 2017 6:28 pm
Posts: 16
Thank you EVERYONE who is commenting this is truly not only helping me but opening my eyes up to try to understand better what is going on. One of the hardest parts for me is the lack of closeness I guess is how to put it the ocpd seems to make them come across as cold or uncaring and nothing is ever going to be done correctly unless they do it ( I know your trying but your just not ever gonna get it correct) am I thinking correctly with this thought ?


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 Post subject: Re: New to page helppppp
PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 11:00 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2011 4:07 am
Posts: 987
Yes, you got it right. The obsession with the 'right' is more important than your right on a personal, deviating view. It destroys closeness.


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 Post subject: Re: New to page helppppp
PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 12:56 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 03, 2017 8:46 pm
Posts: 6
I can't help but point out how paradoxical it is that those with OCPD are unable to control their innate need to control everything. ​Beneath the​ir 'oh-so-perfect' ​facad​e,​ they are completely at the mercy of ​their​​ illness.

​I don't know if you can relate to this or not, but my partner is completely incompetent when it comes to things like:

- minding his own business
- leaving things be and/or letting things go
- picking his battles
​- allowing people to do things their own way
- withholding an unasked for opinion
- sparing people's feelings
- waiting for a later, more appropriate time to do something... the time is NOW

These incompetencies are not conducive to a nurturing environment that fosters 'closeness' or 'intimacy.' And the most infuriating thing of all is that they can sublimate all of their negative traits into positive intentions:

​"I am just trying to help"
"Would you rather me lie to you?"
"I only want to save you time"

etc. etc.

​I read somewhere that OCPD individual will always put principles before people and theory over simple functionality.

Something as simple as picking him up from the car mechanic's can turn into an hour long detailed plan of what route is best for me to take and where he will be waiting so that I can safely and quickly pull up without actually having to go into the parking lot.

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 Post subject: Re: New to page helppppp
PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 1:56 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 11, 2017 11:29 am
Posts: 6
As AB put it, it is incredibly ironic we are unable to control the very thing that creates our desire to be in control.

So many things she said about her SO sound exactly like me, which really hurts to hear and know the problems I have/will cause.

But the good news is that there is hope for your wife and your marriage. I do not know her or your relationship but I can imagine that you love her and she loves you. I encourage you to stay with her because if you love her and want to see her well, she will need you.

I would say imagine that she is in a dream or a trance and if she could only snap out of it, it would all make sense to her. But the problem is how to wake her and then the next problem is that she may realize it and then decide she doesn't want to snap out of it. Because she knows how everything works in the dream and everything makes sense there.

I know I have only just snapped out of the "dream" about a week ago but I have already made so much progress. I really recommend the blog "the gift of OCPD". I showed my wife the video of his life and she cried because she didn't realize how I felt inside. It may not match 100% to your wife but I can imagine that she, like me, is a master at hiding her feelings.

I really hope it turns out for the best! Please fight for your wife as long as you have the strength to, but remember that just because she is capable of changing doesn't mean she will or that it will be easy. It is a true hell to wake up and constantly fight with your own mind the rest of your life but I would much rather have it this way than be trapped forever.

All the best, Hunter

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


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 Post subject: Re: New to page helppppp
PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 3:10 pm 
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Joined: Sun May 14, 2017 6:28 pm
Posts: 16
forgive me if I sound rude or crazy to anyone but I have so many questions and only here to look to ..im self employed and make my own schedule for work there are days when I'm asked what my schedule is and ill answer with what my daily schedule is for that day after answering her there's this almost instant reply of quick anger and or rage as to why I have my schedule that way it happens every time I answer abut my work schedule its gets frustrating to me because I feel like I'm getting the " your not doing it right" again .which I know I'm not ;)?


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 Post subject: Re: New to page helppppp
PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 4:23 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 11, 2017 11:29 am
Posts: 6
No worries, glad to answer as many as I can!

Like I said, I don't know your wife so I can't really speak for her case but the simple answer is that it's not the way she thinks it should be and/or it doesn't make sense to her. Which I understand may be confusing because if it is your schedule and it doesn't directly affect her, what's the big deal right?

There is not really a logical answer other than that she is convinced in her mind there is a better way to do it.

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


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 Post subject: Re: New to page helppppp
PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 6:19 pm 
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Joined: Tue Nov 04, 2008 3:12 pm
Posts: 715
Hi AnnieB,

You've got some great insights in your 16 May 2017 12:56 post. In fact it's great on its own and speaks for itself, but I'd still like to deconstruct two points you make (in reverse order) because, you know, I'm here to help! :lol:

AnnieBanannie wrote:
These incompetencies are not conducive to a nurturing environment that fosters 'closeness' or 'intimacy.'


It's said, somewhere, the OCPDer is "unable to express warm and tender feelings". This often crosses my mind, as it seems to go to the heart of what OCPD is. Also that the OCPDer is an "emotional brick wall". The phrase "emotional desert" has also been used to describe a love relationship with an OCPDer, as it's hard for him to process emotions in real-time.

AnnieBanannie wrote:
I can't help but point out how paradoxical it is that those with OCPD are unable to control their innate need to control everything. ​Beneath the​ir 'oh-so-perfect' ​facad​e,​ they are completely at the mercy of ​their​​ illness.

​I don't know if you can relate to this or not, but my partner is completely incompetent when it comes to things like:

- minding his own business
- leaving things be and/or letting things go
- picking his battles
​- allowing people to do things their own way
- withholding an unasked for opinion
- sparing people's feelings
- waiting for a later, more appropriate time to do something... the time is NOW ​


This brings to mind a theory I've had for a couple of months. I doubt anyone will much get it but I'm going to put it out there anyway. It's just that your quote above is SO appropriate to this theory.

The theory is those with OCPD lack outer boundaries. Well, what does that mean. The converse, the narcissist, which I think is the exact opposite of OCPD, lacks inner boundaries. To me this is easier to see. The narcissist is touched by everything. His feelings are raw. He wears his heart on his sleeve. He's thin-skinned, even taking innocent remarks as a personal affront.

The OCPDer has very firm inner boundaries. Solid like a rock. But as you write, he seems unable to prevent himself from taking any opportunity he can to "fix" the outer world. As if the world is full of half-pounded in nails and he's got a compulsive hammer and needs to hammer each one of them down, and it never ends.

It's the same dynamic our member favasquash wrote about where the OCPDer is like a worker in the control room of a nuclear power plant and all his fellow workers are, literally, monkeys. He needs to watch them every second or else they'll melt down the power plant. It's the burden of responsibility he feels, almost as if he were carrying around a heavy weight on his shoulders. The idea the world would get by fine without his guidance is beyond him.

So to me, one method to make OCPD better is tilt the personality in a different way, to firm up those outer boundaries, begin to believe the outer world may get by for periods of time without the OCPDer, that it will take care of itself, and then maybe boundaries on the OCPDer's inner world would loosen up a bit. Open up his heart a little bit. Relax. Maybe, even, in a small way, begin to process emotions as they come up, and have an actual emotional give-and-take with his wife.

Sincerely, Paul


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 Post subject: Re: New to page helppppp
PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2017 10:22 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 12:58 pm
Posts: 62
Hi Luckyguy,

I have read your thread top to bottom and I agree with all that was mentioned. AnnieBanannie is right on with that list of 7 attributes. My STBXH does every single one of them! And yes, OCPD distroys closeness. And yes, they belittle all the time. My H was not only negative and chronically complaining about his job, but also...

1. Hates his mom-she is the cause of his OCPD in my opinion

2. rotates hating his siblings
3. Complains about the neighbors
4. Complains about all services we used
5. Hates my brother
6. Thinks my parents are stupid
7. My daughters and I are lazy, ( we chose to let him do things for fear on the constant criticism and do things when he was not home)

I can go on and on....

But as I close in on 8 months being separated, and having done a lot of research on OCPD, unfortunately after moved out as I was unaware that his behavior was a disorder, I have come to the completely accurate conclusion that his actions are not perceived as bad, difficult, or intentional. It is just how he is wired. It is how his mind thinks. He cannot help it. And most importantly, in my case as in a lot of others here, his behavior got worse as he aged.

Understanding all the facets is so important. I am glad you are researching this while you are together with her.

:)

Movingon


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