So, DH and I are chugging along, but towards what I don't know. We saw a marriage counselor for a few months, but I refused to see her any longer because she readily admitted to me that she didn't really know much about OCPD, and thought it best that DH not get a diagnosis. So, I told DH he needed to find a psychologist. It took him a month to agree to go, and then 2 weeks of researching psychologists non-stop, but he found one. He's met with him twice, and I met with him once. He's also provided DH a battery of psychological profile testing (and he's given me some as well). We get results in two weeks. So, I don't know where we'll end up, and I don't know if I'm going to leave. I know I don't have any affection for DH anymore. He's hurt me too much, but I haven't ruled out the possibility that maybe it can return once I’ve worked through some issues, and if DH improves.
Yet, here's the latest revelation that I'm struggling with. DH and I have been discussing how he's felt about me over the years, and why we have not developed any kind of marital relationship (no emotional or physical intimacy...it's been absent from the very start). He's decided that it's the all or nothing thinking that has done the most damage (which makes me laugh cause he swears he doesn't have OCPD). He says that anytime I've been upset, in a bad mood, gotten angry, or simply done something to disappoint him (i.e. I didn't fold the laundry how he wanted, didn't make the bed the right way, didn't shake down the dishwasher, etc) he would automatically revert to negative thoughts about me. That one "bad" thing I did made him focus on all the other "bad things" I've ever done to the exclusion of the good things about me. So, in essence, he viewed me as all bad (at least for a period of time) and this - obviously - hindered any expression of love he had for me (I don't pretend to understand it, I'm just going based on what he's said...it's mind boggling).
Anyway, as we've had this discussion, it's become clear to me that what brings up his "bad" feelings about me is whether or not I'm making him feel good. That whether he feels "good" about me and focuses on the "good" things about me is totally based on how I'm making him feel at the time. If I'm upset, and that makes him feel bad, then I'm all bad. If I bring up a concern about how our marriage is lacking in certain (many) areas, then that makes him feel bad, and he's off and thinking about all the bad things I've ever done.
I think this even extends to times when I disturb the reality in his head. I know my DH has had somewhat of an alternate reality about our relationship. For 10 years I was saying it was lacking intimacy and I needed intimacy, but he says he thought we were doing just fine. He says he even thought we had an agreement that we were just going to be platonic (laughable considering at times I yelled at him that I needed some affection). So, he had an alternate reality in his head about our relationship and what I needed and wanted from him, and when I brought it up, he would feel bad about me because I disturbed his alternate reality. Same thing with the Ph.D. that he never finished. In his mind, he was a totally productive person who was providing for his family and working towards a Ph.D., but in reality he had completely given up and spent 4 months sitting on the sofa (of course, he vacuumed and kept the house clean) not taking his pre-dissertation exams, but swearing up and down that he was going to take them in 3 months. When I would bring up that he wasn't making progress and, in fact, was hurting us financially he would feel bad about me and focus on the bad things I had done because I was making him feel bad. The result is he would pull further away from me rather than recognize how his behavior had hurt us and work to make it better.
Ultimately, it seems as though my value to him is completely based on how I make him feel. When I make him feel good, I'm valuable and good, but when I make him feel bad, I'm bad and not worthy of him expressing his love.
I know the all or nothing thinking is OCPD based, but is judging someone worthy of love (or only being willing to express your love) based on how the person makes you feel OCPD based? I guess what I'm really asking is, can anyone else relate to this?
DESTINY:You were meant for me. Perhaps as a punishment.
-Dr. E.L. Kersten