I have been suffering coming to terms with my relationship that exists wholly without empathy and affection. I am at a cross roads, it feels a basic human need and right to have affection from your partner and to feel loved, empathy should also be an expectation under most circumstance, or at least sympathy if empathy is impossible.
If anyone can explain to me their own feelings on why affection and empathy are so lacking in my OCPDer it might help me see a clear path on how to proceed
I cannot explain to you why affection and empathy are lacking in people with OCPD, but I sort of read somewhere in this board that they shy away from it because they perceive it as a weakness? Or they do not want to expose themselves to become vulnerable to hurt. You are correct in expecting to have empathy and affection in a marriage, but that is a marriage between two emotionally healthy people. Sad to say that expecting these things from your husband will just set you up for disappointment. But that doesn't mean you can't try, heed mf's advice in saying the words to him, maybe it's the nudge that he needs. Also seek the affection you need from your sons instead, at least you know they have it to give. Don't yoke your happiness on your husband, be happy on your own, do stuff that you love, show him you can and will be happy. I realized that when I was gloomy all the time, there was more tension between me and hubby. Now I try to be happy on my own, and things are better between us so far.
I'm leaning towards the thought that your husband is just exhibiting standard ocpd behavior, which does not translate to an absence of love.......does he show you a bit of love or a little affection during better days? But the part where he didn't drive you to hospital for your procedure is kinda hard to accept.
I feel that we are in the same boat as I think we are both in the process of grieving for the death of our idea of how a marriage should be. We can only move forward, and we can also decide on which course we want our relationship to take. Wishing you all the best.