Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: Re: Living without empathy and affection
PostPosted: Sun Mar 16, 2014 12:55 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2009 9:25 am
Posts: 4874
Waitingforacceptance wrote:
I usually ask, would you be able to? Instead of I need you to.
My ocpd DH explained it this way, if I ask just as you have here, then he interprets that as having an option. But you and I know, there is no option, we want done what we are asking.

Can you see the difference between-
1. Would you like to go out for Chinese?
2. I want to go out for Chinese.

In the first one, we really want to go out for Chinese. We don't believe we are giving an option. But its easy to see how it can be interpreted as an option. Every single time I approached it the first way, his response would be, no I would prefer pizza (or something other than Chinese).

Everytime I approach it the second way, I get what I want.

_________________
Married 10+ years
Diagnosed 18 years ago
Fairly good marriage


“ When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time."
― Maya Angelou


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 Post subject: Re: Living without empathy and affection
PostPosted: Sun Mar 16, 2014 12:59 pm 
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Joined: Wed Oct 31, 2012 9:09 am
Posts: 1083
3 days ago I had 3 1/2 hours of laser surgery on my gums. I have advanced periodontal disease as a side effect of radiation treatments for cancer 15 years ago. I have worked for 6 months to save the money to have this done. My appointment was 1 hour away. I had to be pre-medicated so I needed a driver. The DH did not offer to do this driving and when I returned home it was in the middle of a blizzard his e-mail response was "I know you are a real trooper"
My landlord brought me supper and calls each day, my friends have come to check on me daily and shoveled for me , I have been pretty wiped out by the pain meds ..the DH who lives 12miles away ,nothing except a breezy phone call to tell me how tired he was from all the shoveling he had to do..35 years of no empathy still did not prepare me to his response.


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 Post subject: Re: Living without empathy and affection
PostPosted: Mon Mar 17, 2014 9:33 am 
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Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2013 5:14 pm
Posts: 350
GS, Hope the gum treatment works. I have the same problem for the same reason. Glad you have such good neighbors...two of mine have been so supportive it feels like I found new siblings.


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 Post subject: Re: Living without empathy and affection
PostPosted: Mon Mar 17, 2014 11:35 am 
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Joined: Tue Jul 30, 2013 6:40 am
Posts: 126
GS, I'm really sorry about the discomfort and hardship you've just gone through. I know, it's hard to believe that your landlord and friends' out-shine your H's lack of concern and assistance. I remember quite vividly approx. eight years ago when I was walking a large dog when it suddenly took off after a squirrel and I ended up with a twisted vertebra in my spine. I ended up on Percocet for the pain and literally could not get up out of bed without assistance. While I was laying in bed not once did the H come upstairs to check on me or to ask if I needed anything. Even when I called out several times he didn't even hear me. Yeah, some of us are troopers alright, but that's because we have to be. I wish you a heartfelt speedy recovery, and wish I could offer some help too.


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 Post subject: Re: Living without empathy and affection
PostPosted: Mon Mar 17, 2014 2:28 pm 
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Joined: Wed Oct 31, 2012 9:09 am
Posts: 1083
OCPD&cancer and Cowgirl, Your reaching out and the heartfelt compassion each of sent was much appreciated and what i find to be the value of the forum..people who get my life.

The point of my post was not to garner sympathy for my really very sucky situation but to express that even after 35 years of rarely seeing empathy or compassion from my estranged DH ,I still hold out that it might happen this time.And whose issue is this, really?


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 Post subject: Re: Living without empathy and affection
PostPosted: Mon Mar 17, 2014 3:09 pm 
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Joined: Mon Nov 11, 2013 9:59 am
Posts: 213
Thanks for sharing that with us. I know that I struggle with unmet expectations and how to voice my needs. I also feel resentment that they aren't met and that is my problem.


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 Post subject: Re: Living without empathy and affection
PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2014 2:40 am 
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Joined: Tue Feb 11, 2014 1:19 am
Posts: 106
This my dear people is empathy in action :) if only I could give you all a hug. I appreciate everyones insight, I am so sorry that you all go through the same thing, and I an so glad you are all here to vent and understand. It really has taken away that lonely feeling. I wish you all health and happiness, and a hug.


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 Post subject: Re: Living without empathy and affection
PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2014 7:55 am 
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Joined: Wed Aug 25, 2010 6:51 pm
Posts: 761
Quote:
newlife: Wow this rings home! I'm bewildered why my stbx ocpdh is emotionless...... This is a good explanation. Can you elaborate on what you mean by "debt development"?
Everything the OCPD does is counted as a burden. Another stone in the pack. Maybe because they do everything under OCPD imposed stress. What they do counts by the pound. What you do counts by the penny. It was done wrong anyway. Much of what you do 'for them' is actually counted against you. (Not doing things for them is too :) If you asked your OCPD partner to give you a hug when you come in the door, that is 'another job' they have to perform for you. In time they will resent it. They will feel that they have been 'performing' for you, and you owe them for this great service. Everything they do is counted up and weighed against you in the OPCD mind. When they are in 'adult' mode this is buried and they are not aware that they are doing it. During an OCPD outbreak you will get hammered with the debt that has accrued. Outbreaks come in various forms. Simmering, stabbing, poking, sarcasm, silent treatments, arguments, blow outs....all the regulars. :D


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 Post subject: Re: Living without empathy and affection
PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2014 10:06 am 
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Joined: Tue Nov 04, 2008 3:12 pm
Posts: 713
Hi gitterdone,

gitterdone88 wrote:
Everything the OCPD does is counted as a burden. Another stone in the pack. Maybe because they do everything under OCPD imposed stress.


This is so true. The burden of obligation. It's palpable. As an alternative name to OCPD I like the "Obligated Personality". Rather than "what do I want to do" it's always "what SHOULD I do". OCPDers can't give freely of themselves, of their feelings.

A genuine feeling or emotion might come up, but then, it's funny, there's a part of the OCPDer that turns it into a pattern, and kind of stamps out the feeling, nips it in the bud. It's not fun. It's a metaphorical prison.

It's like giving of myself and of my feelings is a luxury I can't afford, when there are so many things that need to be done, that shouldn't be left undone.

Sincerely, Paul


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 Post subject: Re: Living without empathy and affection
PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2014 3:33 pm 
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Joined: Wed Aug 25, 2010 6:51 pm
Posts: 761
Paul...and this is where I think there is not so much intention-to-hurt those around as is often proclaimed. OCPD experienced from the inside is a constantly mounting burden. This is also why others having a light hearted time can add to the irritation. And, showing compassion to someone weighed down by the disorder is also irritating. "If you were overburdened doing your part like I am doing mine, you'd have nothing left to give. Proof again that you are not doing you part..." Which all leads to why IMO an SO needs to be completely emotionally secure regardless of the state of mind or behavior of their OCPD partner. Otherwise the crazy spiral of the thing simply wipes everybody out. And the nons really get upset about it because they are not used to or capable of handling the crazy pressure - which PDrs have learned to live with and manage...sort of :)


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 Post subject: Re: Living without empathy and affection
PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2014 4:28 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jul 30, 2013 6:40 am
Posts: 126
Gitter, you have given an astoundingly accurate explanation of the OCPDer in your last two posts here. I will be referring to your posts again so I can explain it also! It's rather ironic that we understand them better than they understand themselves.


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 Post subject: Re: Living without empathy and affection
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 6:08 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 29, 2014 9:24 pm
Posts: 5
I find these correlations with children of OCPD parents and OCDP spouses very interesting. I have had to learn that it is okay to express a need and to be interdependent. My OCDP mother always emphasizes that she raised us to be independent when I express needs to her as an adult. So as an adult, I have felt ashamed or weak to communicate a need or vulnerability. Perhaps Waitingforacceptance feels the same.

I think is has to do with their own inability to see that they have needs themselves and trust that others will be gentle in those areas. That is true strength. Instead they see strength as not needing (or trusting) anyone's support which is very sad.

Be aware that this is the damage that your spouse inflicts on your children. Your children are being modeled so many unhealthy coping mechanism that they just think are normal . . . until they learn how they are so destructive in their own adult lives. Make sure you children have plenty of other adult models in their lives so they can have better examples.


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 Post subject: Re: Living without empathy and affection
PostPosted: Sun Jun 01, 2014 11:19 am 
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Joined: Fri May 30, 2014 9:37 am
Posts: 14
This thread has been so enlightening. My mother is OCPD. It's very difficult and I was raised in a very bad manner. I do have to be very emotionally secure as I begin to take back my power because the backlash from OCPD Mom will be sure to follow. I realize that my only relief will come from NOT jading, not falling into old patterns of anger. Any vulnerability that I show to my mother, or if I reveal any hurts from the past that she created in my life, are twisted so unbelievably back right into my lap It is mind bending how it works. I am determined to become very strong at dealing with OCPD Mom.


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 Post subject: Re: Living without empathy and affection
PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2014 10:00 am 
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Joined: Sun Aug 03, 2014 9:29 am
Posts: 90
dirtgal wrote:
Waitingforacceptance wrote:
I have been suffering coming to terms with my relationship that exists wholly without empathy and affection. I am at a cross roads, it feels a basic human need and right to have affection from your partner and to feel loved, empathy should also be an expectation under most circumstance, or at least sympathy if empathy is impossible.

If anyone can explain to me their own feelings on why affection and empathy are so lacking in my OCPDer it might help me see a clear path on how to proceed


I cannot explain to you why affection and empathy are lacking in people with OCPD, but I sort of read somewhere in this board that they shy away from it because they perceive it as a weakness? Dirtgal



This is exactly how my brain works (Diagnosed OCPDer).

My therapist got on the topic of compassion and affection and asked why I can't show it or look down upon people who crave it. I told her that I viewed the "need to feel love or compassion as a weakness". She was taken back when she heard that and I politely responded with, "Please don't take offense to that, it is just how my brain has been programmed from this PD".

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"There are better rewards in stepping outside of your own comfort, than there are in never breaking down the walls that you've built."


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 Post subject: Re: Living without empathy and affection
PostPosted: Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:56 pm 
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Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2016 6:58 pm
Posts: 4
On three occasions, I was ill and my DH refused to drive me to emergency. I drove myself. The third time, I experienced extreme abdominal pain. He called me a wimp and to tough it out. A man was coming to our house to fix our Geo-thermal and he called first to see if he was coming then finally reluctantly drove me to the ER. It turned out I had a ruptured appendix and would have died had I waited.

He says things like: "I'm not going to baby you" when I am sick and shows no empathy, always too busy with his many activities. The dog gets 100 percent more affection from him. Due to a chronic lung disease, I am not sure if I should leave, as I think a divorce would worsen my condition but feel it is worsening being here. What to do?


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