Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

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 Post subject: Re: Juju's Chronicle....
PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2016 11:50 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2016 3:32 pm
Posts: 6
Although I'm a newbie here, I gotta chime in and say, Don't let him pull that stuff on you...it is so very difficult tho because DH is so relentless...ugh.
And thank you for making me realize the gatekeeper control thing..I mean I always thought of that term applying to receptionists or secretaries, etc. but that is exactly the dynamic at my house..from all of our son's clothing (there always seems to be something wrong with the clothing that I buy him) to his bedding, to what he's allowed to eat or drink (DH insists tea has no caffeine for instance... bc DH likes tea so - young son drinks tea at night before bed) DH ONLY decides what programs son is allowed to watch, who he can play with, and now my newest crisis...DH has been planning on "us" homeschooling our son...and I've told him all summer I'm just not up to the prospect of 24/7 isolation...to which he has responded with accusations of my lack of maternal instinct...
I really don't think I can handle that at all.
In fact I know I can't
But at least he's being really nice all the sudden


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 Post subject: Re: Juju's Chronicle....
PostPosted: Sat Aug 27, 2016 8:24 pm 
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Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2014 7:16 pm
Posts: 2683
RikkiTikki wrote:
Lily,

You are on fire today, girlfriend! I am cracking up at your wit!



LilyIS en fuego!!!!


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 Post subject: Re: Juju's Chronicle....
PostPosted: Mon Aug 29, 2016 9:22 am 
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Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:08 pm
Posts: 627
jujumonkey wrote:
For my own memory:
He then said that yes he did becUse I KNOW he has to get ready for work, yadda yadda. . He told me that I was doing the same thing (martyr.) I said no, that I planned on taking her to school and only accepted taking her because he offered. I also told him that I know I need to work on being direct but that we BOTH need to. I was glad that I told him that I didnt take that characterization on myself. I was not playing martyr. He later on said, "I am sorry for the miscommunication. That was on me."

.


When my oldest was a baby, I would nurse her in the morning. At some point I asked my DH if he could be the one to get her dressed...that way he could spend a little time with her and also do some parenting in the morning.
He said "If I have time."
I said "You have time to take a shower, you have time to get dressed, you have time to brush your teeth..You will have time to get her dressed."
In other words, it is not an optional thing.


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 Post subject: Re: Juju's Chronicle....
PostPosted: Mon Sep 19, 2016 10:41 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2014 7:16 pm
Posts: 2683
I will continue to keep jiurnaling here so dont forget.

This am, was getting Mina ready for speech. The van was facing out towards the street, so dh opened the door on the side M was not used to in order to let her in. Because of hauling things for the party, he had placed a huge box of books on the passenger seat, so I decided to put M's backpack and stuff on the floor in front of the seat where the door was open. I asked dh to bring M around to her usual door. Je said "oooooookayyyyyy...it doesn't make sense, but whatever." As I looked at the stuff on the floor, I was concerned that I would forget her backpack when I dropped her at school after speech, so I went ahead and dumped it all on top of the box in tje front. I did it in a fluster. Dh noticed and looked at me like I was insane and then said something with "crazy lady" at the end of it. Probably teasing me, and yes, I did look slightly crazy but was in a hurry. Need to add that yet again, dh had to "help" by starting both cars (and again turning the music on and trying to find a "good" radio station for his daughter even though we have both said we dont need music a few times.)

There was something else, but I am brain farting it at the moment.


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 Post subject: Re: Juju's Chronicle....
PostPosted: Mon Sep 19, 2016 10:47 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2014 7:16 pm
Posts: 2683
Oh yeah, now I remember. My sis is coming in to town today. Dh asked me why I didnt find out why she didnt come in yesterday. I told him I didnt think about it. He then asked again, but emphasized I should ask her why she didn't come. I said that she didnt know about it until just a couple of days ago (and honestly, she is kind of a hermit.) Thing is, I don't really mind that she didnt come to the party. She is seeing us tomorrow. Now maybe I should ask her if she would come, but she is not a party person at all and much prefers one on one. So on the one hand, he has a point, I should try, and maybe I should see if I could get her to come. However on the other hand, she would be spending another hundred or so for hotel, and it's really BETWEEN ME AND MY SISTER. He needs to butt out. We are seeing her, and that's what matters.


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 Post subject: Re: Juju's Chronicle....
PostPosted: Tue Sep 20, 2016 3:08 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 22, 2016 8:40 am
Posts: 38
Yes, the daily struggles. You never know when they strike huh!
You could try being more direct with him. i know in these situations i always did.
And got really good results. The trick is: don't feel guilty. Be though as nails. And be Direct.
Something a long the lines of: DH This is between me and my sister, Butt Off. Thank you for your concern but i can handle it.
And never ever say the word sorry in these direct ways. Its a sign of weakness. You might think its polite.
But you don't need to be polite. You need to be direct. And you're NOT sorry!


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 Post subject: Re: Juju's Chronicle....
PostPosted: Tue Sep 20, 2016 9:38 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2014 7:16 pm
Posts: 2683
Another conversation we had this morning. Mina has a pair of shorts that are pajama shorts. Jimput them on her before, and we had the conversation about how they were pj's, but he didnt think the other kids could tell. The outfit she had on that day with the pj's didnt look bad, so I let it go. Today, I tried them on her again (Jim had them set out), but with the shirt, they looked like pj bottoms. I changed her. He and I began talking about them, and it was as if we never had the conversation about them being pj's. I told them that she didnt need to chance it basically. I didn't outright say it, but she is very special needs, and she is in middle school. Prime time for teasing and bullying. All I said was something to the effect of the pj bottoms being the last thing she needs socially. He questioned me and I just said, "middle school." He said, "well that's quite a leap you are making, but okaaaaaaay." After that, Minaasked for her water, and Jim said he'd get it, why don't I just get her into the car. I went and got the water as I was more ready than he was. I didnt say anything. He said something,probably in reference to me not saying anything, and then he said something about "no thank you" would be fine. I just ignored him.

Again, trivializing me? Negating my viewpoint? It makes me feel small and stupid or ridiculous. At least now I know it's him and not me. I remember how it was in middle school and others tell me middle school was just awful. My daughter already is easy pickings when it comes to bullying, she doesnt need pajamas to make her stand out even more. If there is any doubt, she is not wearing it. She needs to blend in as much as possible.


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 Post subject: Re: Juju's Chronicle....
PostPosted: Tue Sep 20, 2016 9:39 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2014 7:16 pm
Posts: 2683
juno87 wrote:
Yes, the daily struggles. You never know when they strike huh!
You could try being more direct with him. i know in these situations i always did.
And got really good results. The trick is: don't feel guilty. Be though as nails. And be Direct.
Something a long the lines of: DH This is between me and my sister, Butt Off. Thank you for your concern but i can handle it.
And never ever say the word sorry in these direct ways. Its a sign of weakness. You might think its polite.
But you don't need to be polite. You need to be direct. And you're NOT sorry!



Thanks, Juno. You are right. I need to tell him to back off. And not to be apologetic.


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 Post subject: Re: Juju's Chronicle....
PostPosted: Wed Sep 21, 2016 5:34 pm 
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Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2014 7:16 pm
Posts: 2683
Two events today, lol! I think it's the stress of his meeting out of town. This afternoon, he asked if I got his email. I thought he was referring to one, but apparently there was another. He then asked if there was a different email that he should use that I would read more. I told him that I had just missed his. He asked if I only read my email once a day, and I said no. He made some comment about maybe leaving a voice mail if there was something urgent. He does not likethe fact that I dont respond immediately today. He isn't like this usually, but I think because he is stressed, it is coming out more. Noh and the email was just showing me a dishwasher link to possibly replace the one that broke. He saw me doing research on them and said that he thought that I would t have minded him just buying a dishwasher, but after seeing how much I was researching, he guessed wrong. That would be correct since he went from a nicer looking one to one that looked like it would be crap. I guess he is really not wanting to spen the money on a dishwasher. I dont either, but I want one that actually works and makes my life easier, so that is what I am going for.

Second event. E got home from school and H is home getting ready for his meeting. He met E at the bus, and then she started telling him that she wanted a snack. Apparently, he wasnt getting things that she wanted and he was feeling frustrated. He ended up telling her that I was here and could help her out better. E went onto the kindle, and I was online getting links ready for a grant for treatment for Mina. H started saying something about needing ideas for questions for a dinner (I guess for conversation starters?) He started talking, and I said "what?" He said he was talking to E, so I got back to hyperfocusing on my task. He apparently got no response and made some statement like "Nobody has any ideas then? I guess I am the only one not busy (he said as he was folding the laundry.) I said that I didnt know he was including me. He said that he had been talking to E but was including me as he thought it would be something fun for us to do. I asked him what he wanted to know, and he said that it wasnt important or necessary or something like that, something to indicate that the moment had passed and he didn't need me to say anything. Then a couple of minutes went by and he said something related to this again. I ignored it completely. This might have been where he made the "busy" comment. Ugh! Soooooo annoying. Poor dh is just left out in the cold. Geez!

The good thing is, I dont say anything to these ridiculous comments anymore that he throws out at the end. I try to reasonably answer if it is something that he might respond reasonably to. But if he goes on, I just ignore. And I am finding that it shuts it down immediately. It doesn't feed into the dysfunction.


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 Post subject: Re: Juju's Chronicle....
PostPosted: Wed Sep 21, 2016 9:10 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2015 7:26 pm
Posts: 588
His passive aggressive is showing Juju. And your response is good - you are not catering to him so his method isn't working :).


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 Post subject: Re: Juju's Chronicle....
PostPosted: Thu Sep 22, 2016 10:07 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2014 7:16 pm
Posts: 2683
Thanks! I am slowly learning.


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 Post subject: Re: Juju's Chronicle....
PostPosted: Thu Sep 22, 2016 10:08 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2014 7:16 pm
Posts: 2683
For my journal:

Thanks. He is on a roll tonight. He then asked if he could offer a suggestion. I said yes. Dumb. He mentioned a birthday party coming up this weekend (the girl's mom helped me last weekend with E's party.) I knew where he was going with it. I told him that I asked a couple of times to help. He was all, "Good. At least you are on the record for offering to help." And then there was something else that I am brain farting right now. Lastly, he asked me about some discs that he mentioned that I should burn for Mina as theybkeep skipping. I did not really intend on burning them today, maybe later. When he asked about them, I almost started to JADE and felt my tongue tying. I stopped and said that I forgot about them, which I did. He said, "you spaced them" while nodding. It didn't sound accusatiry, but with him whi knows? Oh yeah, and I remember the other thing. I asked E if she wanted to make or buy a card for Skye's party. While she started answering me, he began saying something in a mumble to me. I heard her say, "buy a card." I thought he mumbled that he wanted her to buy a card, so I told him that some kids make cards. He then said, "Yeah, have her make a card." It sounded more like a "make her do that" kind of thing. I thought to myself, "you dont tell your kid how to celebrate her friend's birthday. So long as it is appropriate, butt out." I didnt say anything because he will be going out of town and I am going to do what I want.


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 Post subject: Re: Juju's Chronicle....
PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2016 8:46 pm 
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Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2014 7:16 pm
Posts: 2683
One of the things I am worried about in leaving is my ability to handle the physicality of things. My mid back has been getting worse. I used to be fine unless I was cooking and cleaning in the kitchen for hours. Now I hurt much more quickly, especially these last few weeks. The steuctural integrationist said he could help it, but I have also heard that adrenals have a lot to do with it. Anyway, this is concerning for me. I wonder if I will be able to handle the day to day alone. WITH dh it is getting harder. I have had our names on the state's home services waiver (like the Katie Beckett waiver) for 9 years now. It is a lottery of sorts. Your name might never get pulled for aid. I have put us in emergency status just to get our names higher on the list, but dont know if single momming it will do anything or not. I have heard that unless your child is in danger of being abused, neglected or abandoned, you won't get anything. So I am hoping Bruce, the SI guy can work magic on me.


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 Post subject: Re: Juju's Chronicle....
PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2016 4:36 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 22, 2016 8:40 am
Posts: 38
How's it going Juju? Did bruce work his magic?


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 Post subject: Re: Juju's Chronicle....
PostPosted: Tue Oct 18, 2016 10:21 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2014 7:16 pm
Posts: 2683
He is starting to. I had one session, but have nine or ten to go. I go again tomorrow, and my sister does to at a separate time. We will ho shopping and hang out for lunch. She lives about a five hour's drive away. Thanks for asking!


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