Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: Re: Is it crazy to consider staying in relationship with OCP
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 7:26 am 
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Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2012 2:26 pm
Posts: 10
Irishgirl, thanks for your advice. However, I took the test someone suggested earlier in this thread and it was not even close to him. Plus everything I have read about OCPD says that they do not see this as anything wrong with them. My guy totally knows something is wrong and wants help with it. From my further research, I believe that his depression/anxiety creates OCD tendencies in him. But that is a far cry from OCPD, fortunately. He still needs help - which our counselor and medication can give him.


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 Post subject: Re: Is it crazy to consider staying in relationship with OCP
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 5:49 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:08 pm
Posts: 598
[quote="amysbest"]
The speed bump is his being "married to his house" - which I previously did not even have an issue with because I would rather him be at home working on projects than be a "football or golf widow." There are many worse things he could devote his time to.

[\quote]

So you can't go to see friends, because he needs to mow the lawn, TONIGHT. Not interested in camping this weekend because the lawn needs to be fertilized THIS WEEKEND. Skiing is out because the car has to be washed. Can't have people over because the wall needs to be painted.

Keep in mind we have seen the same story over and over many times on this forum. Yes he has many nice qualities, but you have attached yourself to someone who doesn't want to get married, cannot maintain a relationship, is more concerned with his pillows than you. There are other people out there that would be a better match.


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 Post subject: Re: Is it crazy to consider staying in relationship with OCP
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 6:38 pm 
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Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2012 2:26 pm
Posts: 10
bopper wrote:

So you can't go to see friends, because he needs to mow the lawn, TONIGHT. Not interested in camping this weekend because the lawn needs to be fertilized THIS WEEKEND. Skiing is out because the car has to be washed. Can't have people over because the wall needs to be painted.



Lol! This is soooo not him it is really funny. :) He tiled the floor in February of 2011. At that time he took down the hideous wallpaper in the dining room and prepped it for painting. The wall is still prepped for painting and will probably still be unpainted next February! We have hosted many parties with the house looking this way, and he is more than happy to leave the house behind and go out.

Anyway, I will say it again since people keep posting to me.
I did the test, and he did not come out OCPD.


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 Post subject: Re: Is it crazy to consider staying in relationship with OCP
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 7:19 pm 
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Joined: Wed Aug 22, 2012 8:10 pm
Posts: 228
That's great, it seems like OCD is easier to treat than OCPD where the person who has it doesn't think he/she has it. And everything is everyone else's fault.

For me, the most difficult thing has been to trust my instincts and not keep rehashing it all in my mind and wearing out my friends and family's patience talking about it. My marriage blew up very quickly and I left, although I wanted to keep it going under separate roofs because living with him full time in his house was just awful. He is a his way or the highway guy, so in his mind marriage equals living together full time, so he isn't going for that.

Since leaving, I have been, at times, plagued by guilt, regret, second guessing myself and just sadness remembering the good times and my husband's good qualities. It's almost like thinking about an accident where you replay if only I hadn't gone down that road, or made that choice, things would have turned out differently.

In my case, there really is no going back at this point, but I know he feels hurt and abandoned and I hate that I hurt him, but I've been told by others that I hurt him in self-defense. And I know they're right, I never would have set out to hurt him.

When it gets bad, I remind myself that as much as I wanted to, I could not help him and he could (and did) hurt me. I also struggle with regret. Why do so many people have to suffer with this crazy thing? Why couldn't I have found a good husband and had a happy marriage like many others I know?

This board is so helpful, I cut and paste some of your comments and put them in a Word document to read when I need a boost. He had so many of the behaviors you all mention, very consistent. And the test that scores up to 100 that someone recommended earlier in this string? Unlike Amysbest, my guy was in the 90s, by my estimation, out of 100.

And he was completely unwilling to get any kind of counseling. It takes two people to make a marriage work. So my marriage really wasn't fixable, but I'm fixable and life is fixable.


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 Post subject: Re: Is it crazy to consider staying in relationship with OCP
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 7:40 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2009 2:26 pm
Posts: 939
Location: Southeast US
amysbest comment:
"He tiled the floor in February of 2011. At that time he took down the hideous wallpaper in the dining room and prepped it for painting. The wall is still prepped for painting and will probably still be unpainted next February! We have hosted many parties with the house looking this way, and he is more than happy to leave the house behind and go out."

If this had been OCPD I suspect that you wouldn't have had people over, the guilt and shame of not having it perfect would have been too much for him. I have had very few outsiders in mine for over 10 years because my OCPDer resists admitting she is a clutterer. But she is happy to go out. That way she doesn't have to look at the results of her problems.

Good luck with the counseling. Best to you and your SO in working things out.


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 Post subject: Re: Is it crazy to consider staying in relationship with OCP
PostPosted: Fri Jul 12, 2013 3:10 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jul 12, 2013 2:41 pm
Posts: 22
I have been with my BF for 18 months and I am pretty sure he has OCPD. I have bipolar disorder, so I'm very willing to date someone in treatment, but they have to admit they have a problem. He says "he's made peace" with these "issues", but he is seeing my doctor with me. We get along great 95% of the time, but when decisions about the future need to be made, all hell breaks loose. Recently he found out he's being transferred to another city (about 600 miles away).
I have said I would move (there are jobs there in my industry, too), but only if we can live together. This has been a non-starter for him. He says he can't live with me because I'm too messy (I am), but he's super messy, too, just in a slightly different way. I have been less messy in the past, and believe I could change, but he won't even give me a chance.
The thing is, he already LIVES with me. He has his own apartment, but he hasn't slept there in four months! We are both paying really high city rents because he wants his own space. Now he says it would be "easier" if I moved with him, but I'd have to rent my own place, even though he plans to buy a place big enough for both of us. I will not move down there or stay with him if I can't live with him, because I am not willing to leave the city I've lived in for 9 years without more of a commitment.
But when we're not talking about the "future" or "committments" he's lovely and we rarely fight. He is sweet, funny, caring, and a joy to be around. He and I share the same values and my family loves him.
The other thing is, he has never dated before (we're both in our 30s) so sometimes he doesn't even know what's normal in the dating world.


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 Post subject: Re: Is it crazy to consider staying in relationship with OCP
PostPosted: Fri Jul 12, 2013 6:05 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jul 11, 2013 6:45 pm
Posts: 11
more-freedom wrote:
There are plenty of red flags but I will address these -
1) If you aren't married, why go to couseling to try to make a relationship work that isn't working?
2) You have young children, why would you want them around his obsessiveness?

This type of personality disorder does not have a quick fix. Even with medication and counseling it takes years and years to make changes and even then OCPD is still a struggle.

Just MOVE ON.


As the child of an OCPD father I agree. At least be willing to pay your children's therapy bills when they are adults...$800 a month psych bill and 2 crippling relationships with personality disordered people later I'm living proof kids pay the price.


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 Post subject: Re: Is it crazy to consider staying in relationship with OCP
PostPosted: Sat Apr 12, 2014 11:52 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2014 7:16 pm
Posts: 2683
This is an interesting thread. I did the Cammer test on h to check, and he came up 75-77 on it. He is really anal about chores and projects, and he hates what he views as disorder in fridge and cabinets. Yet some of hjs own areas are stacks of cards or thungs on his desk. He wants to toss things out but I dont typically see him able to do so with anything other than true garbage or stuff that isnt his (ahem!) If he deems it a pain in the butt, it gets moved or tossed. Do OCPD'rs have blind spots? H has to do all of his projects (he admits he is not a handyman) in the right manner, and instead of repurchasing hardware for a loooooong delayed project because he misplaced it, "on principle" he will not rebuy. He insists that "it is here somewhere" and that "it is the principle" of the thing. He is embarrassed that he doesnt have stuff up, but he hasnt refused people to come over. However only close friends, family, or repair people come by anyway


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 Post subject: Re: Is it crazy to consider staying in relationship with OCP
PostPosted: Sat Apr 12, 2014 1:21 pm 
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Joined: Thu Aug 15, 2013 7:40 am
Posts: 709
juju--
PLENTY of blind spots. My ex BF (w/OCPD) has a meticulous house as far as carpets, floors, showers/sinks. But thick layers of dust on the few "knick-knacks". Garage is meticulous in order and cleanliness, but bags of garbage sit just outside it that needed to go to the dump MONTHS ago.

There is not method to the madness.


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 Post subject: Re: Is it crazy to consider staying in relationship with OCP
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2014 12:52 pm 
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Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2014 2:39 pm
Posts: 256
This is a tough call for me personally. I have OCPD, which means I also am aware of it, and am proactively working to better myself for me, my wife, kids and friends etc.

I believe I actually am a good partner for my wife, and father. 6 months ago I would have advised my wife to maybe move on, but only knowing what I now know. If there was a way to bright-line his therapy as a condition of your continuing (I know bad idea on paper) it may separate the wheat (keeper) from the chaff (blind OCPD'r).

_________________
Middle-Aged Husband Father OCPD'r Able-to-Change
Cramer : 72
Too Perfect : Buku Yes's
Al Bernstein: 13


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 Post subject: Re: Is it crazy to consider staying in relationship with OCP
PostPosted: Tue Sep 23, 2014 10:32 pm 
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Joined: Tue Sep 23, 2014 10:16 pm
Posts: 1
I discovered about a year and a half into my second marriage that my husband was OCPD. He/we are in counseling but I truthfully don't know what the future holds. I am a very strong assertive woman so, although this has impacted me greatly, I have pushed back. The bigger issue here is your children. I also have two kids and they also adore my husband but I have spent over a year defending my son (who admittedly is bit high maintenance) against the constant and aggressive analysis/scrutiny of everything he does and everything I have done in response. It was pervasive and unrelenting. We have agreed for the time being to parent our own biological children without input from the stepparent (he has a young one in the house as well). He struggles a lot with keeping up his end. I would describe his parenting style as dictator-like and I have a very different philosophy. My main point being...please look very closely at this situation as it pertains to your children. Although my kids really wanted us to get married, I often find myself wishing we had stayed in a dating relationship and not brought parenting in the mix.


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 Post subject: Re: Is it crazy to consider staying in relationship with OCP
PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2014 10:28 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2014 2:39 am
Posts: 30
Location: Neverland
lizardline wrote:
I have been with my BF for 18 months and I am pretty sure he has OCPD. I have bipolar disorder, so I'm very willing to date someone in treatment, but they have to admit they have a problem. He says "he's made peace" with these "issues", but he is seeing my doctor with me. We get along great 95% of the time, but when decisions about the future need to be made, all hell breaks loose. Recently he found out he's being transferred to another city (about 600 miles away).
I have said I would move (there are jobs there in my industry, too), but only if we can live together. This has been a non-starter for him. He says he can't live with me because I'm too messy (I am), but he's super messy, too, just in a slightly different way. I have been less messy in the past, and believe I could change, but he won't even give me a chance.
The thing is, he already LIVES with me. He has his own apartment, but he hasn't slept there in four months! We are both paying really high city rents because he wants his own space. Now he says it would be "easier" if I moved with him, but I'd have to rent my own place, even though he plans to buy a place big enough for both of us. I will not move down there or stay with him if I can't live with him, because I am not willing to leave the city I've lived in for 9 years without more of a commitment.
But when we're not talking about the "future" or "committments" he's lovely and we rarely fight. He is sweet, funny, caring, and a joy to be around. He and I share the same values and my family loves him.
The other thing is, he has never dated before (we're both in our 30s) so sometimes he doesn't even know what's normal in the dating world.


I was with my bf for over 7 years (long distance - I know....) and unless we were talking about commitment it was all great. everytime it came down to future he closed up and that was the end of our conversation. he just couldn't get my point of view. he often said that i was pressuring him into something. he always needed more time, more information, more experience to come to a final decision. Over 7 years we've known each other there was basically no progress. so no, don't change anything in your life unless you really want to do it for yourself. Hoping that he'll be different one day is pointless imho.


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