I posted on this forum last Sept/Oct about my break up with my boyfriend of 4 years, and he had been married 2x before! He had 2 teenage kids from his 2nd marriage of 12 years (kids are living with their mom). His first marriage (when he was 21 y-old) lasted about a year. His 2nd marriage lasted 12 years but he told me things were difficult even at the beginning!
After the first 6 months in our relationship I noticed he would occasionally have bouts of depression when he didnt have anything planned on a Saturday, and would drive somewhere (even spend 3 or 4 hours on the highway) just to go to a winery, or go to an outlook store, and in the winter he would go skiing (where he had a ski apt) and not invite me if he went with his pals (but then got mad if I didnt go when he wanted to go!).
If he decided to stay in the city, he would go shopping on Saturday (we go out for dinner Fri or Sat), and play sports on Sunday morning, have some beers, and watch TV in the afternoon. He would decide at the last minute if he felt like going out to eat in the evening. And if I suggested somewhere we could go, 95% of the time he would tell me 'he's already decided for us'!!
I soon noticed that he often enjoyed some beers or wine at lunch on weekends when we went skiing or even if we just to a restaurant in the city. It made him feel less anxious and controlling, so it was probably his way of self-medicating.
I started noticing his need to have rules (e.g. how to cook dinner, how to pack shopping bags, how I should always follow him when we skied, etc). Then I noticed how he would criticize things I said or did (e.g. I was not as smart as he was, I was boring, I should let him CONTROL me etc etc!).
So naturally I started realizing he was a controlling but I didnt know OCPD even existed, so I attributed it to depression and the need to express pent-up frustration. I told him that I thought he was depressed and should see someone otherwise I couldnt stay in the relationship. I told him it didn't make sense for him to decide what to do all the time.
(He would tell me that there was no point in getting therapy as he probably wouldn't change anyway.)
The strangest thing is that he told several times (when we talked about how things weren't going well and his controlling/depression issues) that I was "too NICE"!!!??!! But when I spoke up about something I didnt agree with or when I said I didnt want to be talked to like a child, he didn't like it and would shut me out for 3 or 4 days!!
So it seems like it would be a never-ending battle to be with someone who has OCPD. I've noticed OCPDers often have relationships with people who are shy or who have low self-esteem (I am shy but I had enough self-esteem to keep myself from believing everything he told me).
If they don't acknowledge the desire or need to change the way they behave, then I don't see the relationship can work! If he agrees to go see a therapist and wants to it for you as well as for himself, then it's worth the effort to try and make it work
I don't mean to sound negative, I just want to point out some OCPD traits that never go away. I so wished it had been different and I still miss my boyfriend so much. But I cant imagine being around someone who talks to me the way he did!! Sometimes I think he didnt even remember things he said or how he behaved towards me but that doesn't mean it could have been ignored.
I really wish you all the best going forward. I hope you can figure out what works soon so you dont spend time working on something that isn't worth the effort.