Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
It is currently Fri Apr 28, 2017 7:48 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]



Welcome
Welcome to ocpd

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. In addition, registered members also see less advertisements. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free, so please, join our community today!




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 21 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: how to tell him you think he has OCPD?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 05, 2013 6:24 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri Oct 04, 2013 11:03 pm
Posts: 252
It took me a year to piece together what I was seeing in him...the classic signs you all write about, live with, and in the literature.
Plus I suspect in addition he has ADHD and is marijuana dependent. At some point last week I was trying to get him to answer the question: "in what ways do I neglect to show you my appreciation, gratitude, love for all the things you do. Please give me concrete examples of how you love me, give me etc so that I can be more aware of your efforts and in turn this will hopefully enable us to become even closer because you will feel more loved and I will have my own ephanies I want to learn about my own blind spots so I can show you more appreciation" This angered him to no avail. His first reply was if I had to ask that question something was wrong with me....anyways that was the night all hell broke loose after a year of dating him (and finding that over time what I found to be quirky,
stubborn, insensitive about him was just the tip of the iceberg as to what would be revealed). I am sure pple have asked the question above on this forum but as a newbie I am not sure how to find that post on this site...so plz, can pple (nons and OCPD'rs offer up suggestion on how to broach the subject that he is manifesting OCPD. When he said he would not go for therapy either with me, on his own or as a couple and I saw how heartbroken he has been the few times
we have not been able to get past situations brought on by his PD I was hurt/baffled etc. as to why he is avoiding therapy. Upon diving into the literature about OCPD I know now the denial, resistance, blaming, running away from etc. is part of his PD profile.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: how to tell him you think he has OCPD?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 05, 2013 9:57 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2009 2:26 pm
Posts: 939
Location: Southeast US
In a nutshell, you can't. He will hand you your head.

How dare you think there is anything wrong with him.

There are many threads here that will confirm my statements.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: how to tell him you think he has OCPD?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 05, 2013 10:42 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri Oct 04, 2013 11:03 pm
Posts: 252
Thank u.I thought it wasn't,t possible and ur answer reflects my thought on the futility of trying. I said bye bye a week ago and immediately I felt such a sense of relief. Calmness washed over me when I came to the point that there wasn't enough good stuff to outweigh all the sad stuff. I feel so freeeeeeeeeeeee. I was feeling very oppressed and before I got to the point of repressing my joie due vivre I grabbed my life preserver (my sense of inner serenity and positive Self esteem) and jumped the sinking ship that is he and our relationship. I feel sad yet peaceful,grateful for the good times and for my centredness


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: how to tell him you think he has OCPD?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 05, 2013 10:43 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2013 5:53 am
Posts: 238
He will tell you things like "oh and you are now a psychologist?" Or..... that you are crazy and don't know what you are talking about. OCPD'rs believe there is NOTHING wrong with them. It's in their nature to blame, deflect, project... you name it. It's a losing battle.

I was married to one for nearly 7 years... and now I am leaving. He never changed. And probably never will.

Sorry for your pain. There ARE people without personality disorders.. now how to find one is the challenge.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: how to tell him you think he has OCPD?
PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 9:10 am 
Offline

Joined: Fri Oct 04, 2013 11:03 pm
Posts: 252
p.s. I went as far as completing my courses in a PH.d in psychology but never finished my dissertation as I opted instead to devote my finances and time in pursuing adoption.. he did lace into me last week when I pointed out some of his reactions I have never seen before and are not the norm "you are not a clinician" Point well taken. They must always feel they are the expert on everything. They are heavily invested in their beliefs and must minimize and discredit others when there safety of being right feels precarious.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: how to tell him you think he has OCPD?
PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 3:11 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2011 4:07 am
Posts: 979
There is indeed a general consensus that telling about ocpd is close to impossible. OCPD is very tricky in that it really is invisible to the sufferer. They have developed very powerful mechanisms of denial. Some of the most telling examples are those where people film a rant, show it to the ocpd'er and then hear all kind of explanations how that behavior is not them, not real, did not happen or can be explained away altogether.

If you find real peace after mentally taking your distance, take that gift and nourish it. This board basically is full of people that have found that it is very rare for an ocpd'er to become aware, and even if they are aware, they have a very difficult road ahead of them. The feeling of freedom you experience shows that you are making the right choice by breaking up. There really is no way of making him see or make him better. I have lived it for 34 years, and finally gave up.


Last edited by belgianguy on Mon Oct 07, 2013 1:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: how to tell him you think he has OCPD?
PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 3:58 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri Oct 04, 2013 11:03 pm
Posts: 252
thank you. 34 yrs.... a lifetime for you. I guess for me I can see that sticking it out in my own situation would have depleted me. I feel too healthy and happy in my life to allow such negativity to corrode and erode myself and my life. Not saying this decision was easy... I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt many times when he said he wasn't going to go for therapy but would work on his issues on his own. Although I do see he did make some efforts, he is still very blind to most aspects of his personality that are damaging to himself and his loved ones. I tried until I felt the final night feelings towards him that he was "pathetic"That helped push me off the fence into singlehood. Yes... all humans have their foibles, but it will be so much easier to try to get along with someone who does not have a PD. Life presents enough challenges to add that hurdle into the mix of trying to have a loving relationship. To all of you, I am grateful for this site and for your support and sharing. It helps me get through the feeling of being alone with what I have experienced and that no one could ever understand what I experienced. You all do. I wish you all a place of peace in your life and hug yourselves for trying as best you can in such a very very difficult circumstance. Group hug.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: how to tell him you think he has OCPD?
PostPosted: Mon Oct 07, 2013 8:44 pm 
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 31, 2012 9:09 am
Posts: 1083
Telling my mate of 35 years that I thought that it wasn't all me9 which took years of therapy for me) but that he exhibited OCPD traits that were contributing to our relationship problems was like lighting a fuse...and he blew. I ended up leaving my home and life of 35 years to escape the tirades and rages this brought on.
gs


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: how to tell him you think he has OCPD?
PostPosted: Mon Oct 07, 2013 9:54 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu Aug 15, 2013 7:40 am
Posts: 709
Just for a slightly different experience...

So I am WAAAYYY at the other end of the spectrum from folks like GS and M-F who are veterans who have been dealing with this a large portion of their lives. I'm a newbie, I've been with my (un-diagnosed but clearly) OCPD BF for a bit more than 7 months now--the "honeymoon" period. When I found this forum a couple months ago and ordered "Too Perfect", I realized how much this all applied. FWIW, the book paints a much rosier picture than the collective wisdom here and make of that what you will.

When I was finished with the book, I ordered a copy for my OCPD BF and had it sent to him. I told him it was coming and that I thought it pertained and I wanted his thoughts because I thought it could help us both. He's finally almost done with it--I read it in 2 days, it's taken him weeks. This is because for most of the chapters, he initially claims it "totally does not pertain" to him, and then a few days later he will admit there is some truth. The other day he actually said one of the chapters pretty much described him word for word. We can now discuss some of the things, such as his demand resistance, openly and relatively conflict-free.

Of course, this doesn't mean things have changed much--he may recognize some of his behaviors and "quirks" now, but that hasn't changed the fact that he does not think many of these things are or should be a problem! But there was no venom or anger, in fact initially he was pretty sad/depressed about it. I'm not sure if this is a function of timing (in the relationship)? Regardless, my pointing it out has been a good thing. I am cognizant to NOT call it OCPD to him--I call it his obsessiveness only (not "disordered").


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: how to tell him you think he has OCPD?
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2013 12:23 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Sep 08, 2013 9:06 pm
Posts: 313
You're lucky to be a newbie and aren't married with children yet. Take your time and read different posts. You have time to get out and find someone who isn't OCPD.

_________________
Regards - NewLife
The past has no power and no hold over me anymore


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: how to tell him you think he has OCPD?
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2013 1:49 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2012 2:49 pm
Posts: 122
This is guesswork but I'd say that the earlier someone is told they may have a problem, the easier (relatively!) it can be for them to acknowledge it. If you've known someone a longtime and never mentioned it, you're changing up the status quo all of a sudden, which will always generate more anger and demand resistance than otherwise.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: how to tell him you think he has OCPD?
PostPosted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 5:18 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri Oct 04, 2013 11:03 pm
Posts: 252
funny how months back I thought I was looking at someone who has ADHD. I spoke to His ex girlfriend who apparently had also brought up the same thing to him and he was not too pleased with her either... his answer to her was the same one he gave to me.... "we all have it"
She had the balls to tell him... "not everyone does, I don't".
I was fortunate to have had a talk with his ex (the woman before me) who described her experiences with him and filled me in on some family history.
Suffice to say she had a lot of negative experiences of his OCPD behaviors and then when I told her point blank what I was sure he was manifesting - OCPD-she got major freaked/scared- seems the label scared her but living with his behaviors not so much.
I did in a very heated conversation with my ex, once he was my "ex" blurt out that the behaviors he showed me...there is a name for it... and I said it aloud for the first time.
I felt very mixed about blurting it out. First I was not calm but frustrated and hurt while speaking with him.I still have ambivalence over telling him this is what I think he suffers with OCPD... and yet the other part of me says that I had to manage coping with his behaviors for one year, suggested everything and the moon as resources for his anxiety, pot smoking, feeling down etc: yoga, meditations,
SSRI's, exercise, walks, online resources, therapy, eating better, working on his sleeping habits, giving him other perspectives and he did NONE of the above.... so I let the cat out of the bag... I was at the end of my own rope with the collusion of silence.
He knows he has control issues but hey.... there are control issues and there are CONTROL ISSUES! As I said above I feel ambivalent about telling him my truths, my reality of being with him, but I was not spared his realities when he told me what he thought about how I thought, felt, behaved. I no longer have to walk around with this dead weight and conspiracy of silence I was holding to myself. I kept our relationship issues very to myself for so long and was busting apart keeping it all in.
He would need to be in therapy for quite a while I believe for a therapist to have picked up on his traits if he were ever to go for therapy again... his outer circle doesn't have a clue. doesn't matter to me anymore... only that he finds his way because he is a really good person with a lot of love to give but is just so stuck in the OCPD house of distorted mirrors.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: how to tell him you think he has OCPD?
PostPosted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 5:28 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2010 9:38 pm
Posts: 1978
alci wrote:
I still have ambivalence over telling him this is what I think he suffers with OCPD.
we'll hear things that we're ready to hear, I believe (not just ocpdrs, I mean, anyone) and in my experience, this readiness/non readiness has a lot more influence of it getting in or not than any method of delivery, of any "how" of sharing the information. So I"m of the conviction that sharing, even if it doesn't go in, but if you've done some research after living with it and are fairly convinced it's what you'r dealing with, is a productive thing. Like you said, you felt you were holding it in. I can point to markers in my life, pre-ocpd awareness, where information was available to me and I rejected it, and where seemingly unrelated information became something I let in, and became part of my path to awareness (seen only in retrospect I mean.) And then finally a convergence of information and acceptance.
Who can tell where on which path this information you blurted out to him may be, if anywhere, but it exists now and has possibility, for both of you on your respective paths. (that's a lot of paths I"m referencing here :lol: )

_________________
'
People do not change when they see the light. They change when they feel the heat.  ― Freda Lewis-Hall


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: how to tell him you think he has OCPD?
PostPosted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 7:44 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri Oct 04, 2013 11:03 pm
Posts: 252
thank you Francie for the reply.
Yes I am positively certain, without a doubt, willing to bet the family farm it is OCPD. I had a very very involved relationship with him, spent alot of time with him across many different situations, heard his stories, saw what he let out when he was agitated and over what he was agitated about, heard the way pple 'should' act, think, saw how being out in public set him off alot (which now makes sense why he spends most hours alone at his place) saw the rigidity/inflexibility all over the place, you name it I saw it from him... and I can't imagine what he DIDN'T show me. And my grad degrees are in psych plus I have a knack for analyzing behaviors in others.
The absolute irony is when I was working on my doctorate degree the dissertation was about cognitive flexibilty/inflexibility, personality types. Who would have thunk it that I would years later meet up and date someone like this! I could have written up a dissertation based on one subject.
I always like to conclude that this is a real person who I write of with real feelings, issues and deserving of respect and dignity like all of us and writing about him always feel a bit bad.... so as long as my writing is anonymous it is at times therapeutic to us here.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: how to tell him you think he has OCPD?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 25, 2013 10:26 am 
Offline

Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:08 pm
Posts: 598
MarriedtoOne wrote:

Sorry for your pain. There ARE people without personality disorders.. now how to find one is the challenge.


You want to have a partner without OCPD.
There are two methods:

1) Try to get the current partner not to have OCPD
2) Try to get a new partner

Guess which one is possible?


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 21 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
suspicion-preferred