Didn't think this thread would get so philosophical. Anyway, as far as being "easy" on someone that posts on the internet, well, guess what, when you post for all to see, be prepared to get feedback one doesn't like. It's as if I kept asking all my friends for their opinions and suddenly I start getting opinions I don't like... I'm putting it out there so it's going to eventually happen. Sorry.
On to other things... as far as empathy (and I have heard this several times on here before) what good is it to have something and not use it? If I have a perfectly working arm but I let it dangle on my side and everyone around me has to help me, how is that benefiting anyone? To have something and not use it is useless to say the least. And when it comes to basic human emotions, my statement grows even stronger...especially where empathy is concerned because to have that in a relationship (I believe) is part of the intimacy. I haven't had empathy from my husband during our entire relationship and if it has been there, it hasn't helped because he doesn't show it so WHO CARES?!?!?!??!
I think these "blogs" and even this forum are helpful to those who had NO IDEA WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEIR PARTNER AND RELATIONSHIP. But once the problem is discovered, then there is little help other than the support we can give each other. Let's not get too excited by the "gift" idea. Shall we? Just because my husband can work in finances and do all the details down to the exact penny doesn't make it a gift and in fact, he is about to lose his job in the next few months because of other issues with his personality (that are related to OCPD). Doesn't seem like a gift to me either. I see my husband struggle in different ways because of his OCPD and with that, I have empathy. I see him struggle day to day and sometimes I wonder if *he* thinks there is something off with himself. But every time I try to bring that up, I get slapped down as being an "arm chair psychologist" and that I have diagnosed him blah blah blah... I give up.
It has taken me 6 years not to take what he says to me personally and to know that if I were anyone else, he would be doing the same thing because no matter what personality he has in his life, they will be an "idiot" or "incompetent" or not doing enough etc etc. He sees me as TERRIBLY flawed and sometimes to the point where I have come right out and asked "why are you with me then?" BTW, no answer has ever come from this question. Regardless of not taking anything personal the bottom line is that what I crave and need in my life are not being met. The general feeling of being in a relationship for the past 6 years has not existed for me. My "gift" of a husband has been in his own world the entire time and that will never change. Gosh, if my husband loved me as much as he loves his money, I wouldn't even be writing this!
We can choose to see most things positive that are really negative in nature. I can say that my bout with cancer made me understand the world better or enjoy every moment in life. Do I NEED cancer to make me see that every moment is precious?No. I am one of those people that does believe every min of life is INDEED precious. But I could do without the cancer. Does someone with OCPD need to see it as a gift because they can be successful at certain things. Sure, if you want but at what cost? What cost to those around the OCPD'r? I really believe that the person who is living with the OCPD'r is suffering more than the OCPD'r themselves. I am sure I will cause a shit storm with that statement too.
I have been to more therapists (4 in 6 years) and been on more anti depressants/anti anxiety drugs in 6 years than I have in my entire life. It took me a long time to figure out that a majority of it wasn't me. I do take some responsibility in my reactions to my OCPD husband but I have grown a hard protective shell... one that probably doesn't always come out right at the right times but survival is a necessity at this point. I have come to the conclusion he will never take an ounce of accountability for anything wrong in this relationship and that has been a difficult pill to swallow. It only took me 6 years to get that through my thick skull.
I find myself sad that there are OCPD'rs on this board at all. Not because they are here but they have at least SOME insight as to themselves. I find that interesting with an PD that in of itself does not allow for someone to think there is anything wrong with them at all. Gosh, I even printed out the Cammer test a month ago for my husband and he balked... it's still sitting on his desk. Sad. I guess he MIGHT get it when I serve him with divorce papers or more likely he will be either A. Happy to get rid of me because I won't be spending HIS money. 2. I won't be that incompetent idiot living under his roof causing all sorts of problems and screwing up his world. 3. He will be dumbfounded and respond aggressively by making sure I don't get a PENNY of HIS money regardless of the fact that I have been his stepping stone to bettering his life by getting him citizenship to this country and subsequently an excellent paying job.
A gift indeed! But hey, whatever lets you sleep at night!