Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: Re: First time poster: My marriage is ending
PostPosted: Fri Feb 24, 2017 4:49 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 05, 2013 2:10 am
Posts: 697
Location: U.S.
LizaJane - I recently had to replace a very bad deck( rotten boards) and I was really mad at myself for letting it get so bad. My timing/ internal clock was off a little bit....just one more year, I told d myself & I would look into upgrading...WRONG.....and, boy, does OCPD make this mis-calculation painful.

But, I did save a lot by doing the repairs now, versus another year or two, and fighting termites.....

SOHC

_________________
A+ (98) - Cammer Test

Conscientiousness is the defining feature of OCPD from which many of the other symptoms follow. http://sgo.sagepub.com/content/3/3/2158244013500675


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 Post subject: Re: First time poster: My marriage is ending
PostPosted: Mon Feb 27, 2017 5:47 am 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2017 7:56 am
Posts: 49
3am. I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping for the past 3-4 weeks. When I wake up in the middle of the night it is hard to go back to sleep because I end up excessively ruminating. I thought I'd be able to sleep fairly well tonight, because I'd come to a decision that I couldn't care take my husband's reactions and that there was validity in his saying in the last argument that he didn't understand why I wanted to divorce him over a todo list. I just need to come out and tell him I believe he has OCPD. His reaction is his. I can only give him my truth and let him take it as he wishes.

So I was feeling fairly light until we had an argument this evening.

He's commented before that he wonders when our toddler will stop crying when she goes to sleep. I think it will be when he learns to put her to bed consistently. I'm not talking about the time, although that matters a little bit. I tend to be a stickler for getting her down at the same time every night. I set an alarm on my phone so that way I can wrap up whatever activity we're doing before doing her final bedtime song and wishing her good night. I leave the room and he stays behind the say good night to her. Sometimes it seems like saying good night takes him up to 20 minutes. I've said my piece before and usually just say nothing about his variable way of putting her to bed. There are different styles of parenting, right? I've read books about being a good spouse and it means not gate keeping and insisting that everything be done your way. When I have said things he sometimes changes slightly for a little while, but then his need/intuition takes over again and he's back to varying the way he puts her to bed.

My husband loves to wish the dogs good night every night. He has a routine for it. He puts them where they like to sleep, repeats go beddy bye to them over and over again like a mantra, and puts their blanket on them. He says they need/want/expect it. I understand it to be for him rather than them. I'm usually in bed when he does this, so I'm not sure how long it generally takes. The times I haven't been asleep yet and watched it and teased him about it he insists on how much they like it. A friend of mine was over once and joked how many dog beds do we have in this house? I think I answered something like too many and rolled my eyes. Then he arrived home with two more dog beds. And when I said oh good, can we throw this worn/broken one out, he said no they really like that bed. The new house is bigger and the dogs needed more beds. This friend once commented that he seems to treat the dogs better than me.

Anyways, this particular night when I go downstairs to make the toddler's next day daycare lunch, I don't put in my headphones and pull out my phone to waste some time on misc internet stuff. And I can hear him saying his good night. She starts to cry a little, he does something to make her laugh, he starts saying good night again, she starts to cry, he starts making her laugh again. This is repeating for several cycles and I'm starting to feel upset about what I'm hearing. So I go to make her lunch, to occupy myself, but when he finally leaves for real she sets up this giant WAAAIL of dissappointment. That was predictable, right?

So I go and try to talk to him. I told him what I had just heard and that I felt that was very cruel. Maybe not the best choice of words. He goes on the defensive. He attacks me. Tells me my parenting is too harsh. That the way I put her to sleep where I just leave is harsh and leaves her asking for me. Honestly, I do sometimes leave very abruptly. Because I'm trying to tell *HIM* with my body language/example to cut it short, to not drag it out. His attacking me makes me angry. We start doing the circular argument that I saw dragonfly21 talk so much about. He uses the reasonable language of parents will parent differently.

I'm so mad. I want to slam doors and stomp around to show him the extent of my anger. But of course now the toddler is sleeping. I go into the office to try talking to him again. Maybe he simply doesn't understand how angry I am. I remind him of the homework the therapist gave us in our first session. When someone is mad simply apologize. He says he refuses to apologize and that I am harsh when I do that.

This time I leave the house and go for a walk. I call the dog-commenting friend and tell her what happened. She points out that my baby is happy and healthy. She tells me that I am one of the most affectionate, loving parents she knows. She suggests that husband and I talk out in detail how we want to put the toddler to bed. I step off a curb, stumble and twist my ankle :/ just like in bad movie. So I sit on the wet side walk and have a good pity cry.

When I get inside I tell him I'll trade him my half of the foot rub homework for him helping me with my wounds. While we're doing that I go into the bedtime subject again. He's caring for me, which I think also helps put him into a different mindset. He agrees to be routine if I don't leave when we're saying good night to the toddler. He explains what he plans the routine to be and I make my comments about how I'd like the emphasis on quality time together to be before she goes into her crib. I want us to leave fairly quickly once she's in the crib. I don't want us hovering over her for a long time while she's lying in the crib (in the moment, I don't know what I'm trying to verbalize is that the more time you spend hovering over her in the crib, the more likely she is to get up from her lying down position). Also, I'm kind of falling asleep from all my sleepless nights. But I know he's going to be staying a while and hovering. He talks about how part of the routine will be if she stands up he'll talk to her and encourage her to lie back down. And if she doesn't lie back down then we can just go ahead and leave.

It is hard parenting with him. I know that.

The little that I've talked to other guy parents, I know that they tend to defer to their wives. One co-worker I know kind of roles his eyes a little, but he says that his wife researches and has ideas and that's what they do. He doesn't have strong enough feelings and doesn't do any research. I feel like my husband does no research and he talks about following his intuition. I know he respects his intuition more than mine+my research.

I started having doubts about whether I should tell him about OCPD or not. Maybe I should stick to my original plan of explaining in therapy the things he does in arguments that make me feel punished for trying to discuss things with him. The argument from two weeks ago where he goaded me into losing control by saying I didn't care, didn't want to listen to him, how he attacked and projected on me, how it ended up being all my responsibility to de-escalate the argument, and now that I'm thinking about that argument again I realize it went circular at the end when I tried to discuss issues and that's why I gently ended the argument. His revelation that he held a grudge against me for five years because I looked at him angry in an argument so he stopped being affectionate towards me. His defensiveness and attacking me in this argument.

Maybe I should hold off on telling him I think he has OCPD until I've met with my individual therapist. If not mentioned before, I've decided to do individual therapy alongside the marital counseling. That session isn't until after our next marriage therapy session.

In the store today we were trying to pick out carpeting for our workout room. Since he knows I'm unhappy and started thinking of divorce he's been working hard on that to-do list of mine that he's so dismissive of. At one point in front of the the salesman when we'd found what seemed like the perfect carpet but it happened to be wool (he's vegan) I snapped at him did it really matter since I'd be the only one working out in there anyways?

The working out thing was one of our old arguments. From the first failed therapy (we only went to one session together, and then afterwards he attacked her for her bias). I was upset he insisted on monogamy and yet didn't take care of himself. He would tell me how important exercise was but none of his actions reflected that. So for a time after that he did work out. But he was scared to lose me and stuck himself on a schedule. He would talk proudly about how he had "destroyed" his muscles in a workout that day. It bothers me that if he can't work out the way he thinks he should he doesn't try at all. I thought we had turned a corner. Now that I know more, I realize I was being hoovered. The only way this marriage gets saved is if we can address the underlying issues, whether I tell him he is OCPD or not. And it seems to me if I want this to have any chance of being a lasting change, then he has to be told he's OCPD. I have to shoot for all or nothing.

So I think I have to tell him I think he's OCPD. There's no way around that.

_________________
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪
Take a bow,
the night is over
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪


Last edited by thenightisover on Sat Mar 18, 2017 12:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: First time poster: My marriage is ending
PostPosted: Mon Feb 27, 2017 6:11 am 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2017 7:56 am
Posts: 49
LizaJane wrote:
When I make plans too far in advance, I feel imprisoned by them, and all I want to do is the opposite. When I am given permission to bail (my DH is very wise about this), the demand resistance fades. It's like I don't want anything to control me, not even myself. This makes no sense, even to me.


Thank you LizaJane! If my husband and I stay together this is really useful, practical advice. Don't plan in advance, tell him he doesn't have to come, and I'll start putting cancellation insurance or something on his tickets to give him last minute bailing options.

I didn't see you and SOHC's posts until just now. It gave me some comfort/hope to hear from from two aware OCPD. Do you have any advice on bringing it up with him? So far what I've planned out is:

1) lead with his thinking his dad might have had aspergers, run down the DSM traits (I've re-written the order to front load all the ones I know his dad had)
2) read him the Millon types (saw on wiki) and ask him which one he thought his dad was.
3) Read the Conscientious type last (with a couple of the traits that sound negative excised) and ask him if that one reminds him of him
4) read a list of positive traits about OCPD that I read on giftofocpd. loaded with all the things he tends to say about himself.

And I should probably just stop there. Not end the script I read off of with telling him that for me to stay in this marriage, I need him to address the underlying reasons that our patterns keep repeating. Too much of a demand, right? I need to show him the water, but let him drink it himself.

_________________
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪
Take a bow,
the night is over
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪


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 Post subject: Re: First time poster: My marriage is ending
PostPosted: Mon Feb 27, 2017 7:46 am 
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Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2010 4:40 pm
Posts: 1314
Location: Suburbs of Atlanta
Anyone on this board would tell you: Don't tell him you think he has OCPD. It will only make him defensive and resistant and/or make him feel hopeless (because you theoretically can't change what you ARE). But people can change what they DO, and that's the only thing that can make OCPD better. Call him out on his bad behaviors and set boundaries, as opposed to attacking his personality. But please know that you're in for a long, hard ride---he has to first become aware that he needs to change, and then put in the unrelenting effort it takes to do it.

And yes, I agree that his way of putting your child to bed makes HIM feel better, but does not teach the child how to self-soothe, which is something we all need to learn. Maybe one of the therapists can point this out so that it comes from an "expert" instead of you.

_________________
Liza Jane

Peace is the result of training your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be. ~ Wayne Dyer


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 Post subject: Re: First time poster: My marriage is ending
PostPosted: Mon Feb 27, 2017 12:45 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2017 7:56 am
Posts: 49
Thanks LizaJane. I appreciate the warning.

I made a script for our next therapy session. I made some changes to apply the advice you gave me for trip planning to it. I emphasize that whether he wants to look into it is entirely up to him but make it clear that I won't stick around if he keeps arguing the way he does. I have a couple other deal breakers. I'm not sure how or when to talk about them. One thing at a time, I guess.

I'll probably bounce back and forth whether to tell him or not multiple times over the next few days. It might be the weeks of insomnia and poor sleep talking, but sometimes I think I'm ready for a divorce.

_________________
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪
Take a bow,
the night is over
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪


Last edited by thenightisover on Sat Mar 18, 2017 12:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: First time poster: My marriage is ending
PostPosted: Mon Feb 27, 2017 2:55 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:08 pm
Posts: 627
It is okay if you want to have a drawn out night time routine...but you cannot resent your toddler when you are the one who is drawing it out!


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 Post subject: Re: First time poster: My marriage is ending
PostPosted: Wed Mar 01, 2017 2:14 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2017 7:56 am
Posts: 49
An update from therapy.

I'll talk to my IC on Friday. Maybe I'll take our MC up on the individual counseling. I don't know. I'm confused. I'll run it by IC. Also tell IC my idea to have my husband come in and level all his criticisms of me at me. I offered that up in the beginning of our session today and I think my husband liked that idea.

I'm not perfect. I have room to improve. For my husband or someone else or for no one other than my daughter, I'll be a stronger, better person.

We did the things we appreciate about each other exercise at the beginning. Then I read my note. I talked about our argument and then gave him the opportunity for him to ask me what I think is at the heart of why he and I view things differently (my ADHD+his OCPD). He didn't ask so I never got a chance to read the list of positive qualities of OCPD to him (I have an expanded version from my previous draft that I think he would have really identified with).

The therapist gave us the fair fighting rules. I wanted to scream from frustration because I had followed the timeout rule exactly, with suggesting rescheduling, in our argument. And my husband was acting like this was all very interesting and saying he'd love if it I did that. I DID fucking do that.

The therapist prompted me to apologize for raising a hand/fist in the air 3.5 years ago when we were learning to dance. I asked my husband point blank if I have *EVER* hit him, and he said no. I have made this point to him over the years and he still thinks he can detect when someone is going to hit him.

It would have been petty for me to turn around and ask for my husband to apologize for making me angry in our argument for two weeks ago. So I didn't. I repressed that instead.

OCPD (and his childhood) would explain his fear of being hit. His hyper sensitivity to facial expressions and body language. His certainty in his rightness. My words have never mattered. I didn't get a chance to explain that my side of those arguments.

I said that my memory of those arguments when we first moved in were a complete 180 degrees from his. And then he started talking again. I withdrew and let him talk. At the end of the session he was smiling and very pleased with himself. He thinks he's winning the therapist...but he's losing me. I was turning into a little ball of despair in my seat and mister "I'm-so-perceptive" just happily went on about his view of things.

He thinks my body language back then said don't touch me. I remember my words said touch me. I remember I begged him to be more affectionate and sometimes he told me he would be and sometimes he insisted this was just the way he was. He shows affection with fake judo tosses. He thinks he wanted to hug me and comfort me in our arguments, I remember telling him I would really appreciate it if he would hold me or my hand or something while we were arguing and him telling me he couldn't. I remember the exact FUCKING opposite thing as him.

He thinks he used to be affectionate. I remember always being the instigator. Always being the one to seek him out and look for affection or ***. The number of times he has initiated *** could probably be counted on one hand. And I still think it would be from me suggesting it earlier in the day and him following up. That happened once. So I guess maybe his initiating could fit on one finger?

I think a separation is imminent. I can't take the anxiety and lack of sleep. I think a month from now I'll start looking for a new place and contact my friends and parents to get help moving and setting up.

Also, I hate him acting so fucking surprised that I hug our daughter when she cries. I hate all the times I've done something nice or competent and he is surprised by that.

_________________
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪
Take a bow,
the night is over
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪


Last edited by thenightisover on Sat Mar 18, 2017 12:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: First time poster: My marriage is ending
PostPosted: Wed Mar 01, 2017 11:07 pm 
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Posts: 588
thenightisover wrote:
An update from therapy.

The therapist prompted me to apologize for raising a hand/fist in the air 3.5 years ago when we were learning to dance. I asked my husband point blank if I have *EVER* hit him, and he said no. I have made this point to him over the years and he still thinks he can detect when someone is going to hit him.

It would have been petty for me to turn around and ask for my husband to apologize for making me angry in our argument for two weeks ago. So I didn't. I repressed that.



I'm not sure about this...you apologized for something that took place 3 1/2 years but you would be petty to ask for an apology for a very recent event?

I understand what you are saying but the fact is that this therapy is for both of you - each of you. You get to air your side of things too...it isn't petty if it bothers you. Try not to overthink or rationalize your thoughts and reactions - go in there and air it out! No worries what he thinks or even what the therapist thinks. You are frustrated and resentful for a reason. Lay it out there and don't let your H drive the process. Your post gives me the impression that maybe you are accommodating him - without realizing it.

A big part of the end of my marriage was me realizing how much I disliked who I had become...half the time walking on eggshells and the other half angry, overreacting, resentful. I wasn't getting anywhere and hated the way I sometimes reacted. I lived in my head so much - couldn't make a decision to buy a bathroom rug because I ran it through all my Hs criteria and kept thinking he will find something wrong with it...and then realizing what an idiot I has become.

The therapy has to work for both of you - go in there and state your frustrations and concerns. You have very little to lose if you are already close to leaving.


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 Post subject: Re: First time poster: My marriage is ending
PostPosted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 6:11 pm 
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Maybe talk to therapist not as "DH made me angry" but "I feel devalued when DH does X".
"I feel that child is not learning to get herself to sleep when DH drags out the good night process."


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 Post subject: Re: First time poster: My marriage is ending
PostPosted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 11:41 pm 
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thenightisover wrote:
An update from therapy.

I'll talk to my IC on Friday. Maybe I'll take our MC up on the individual counseling. I don't know. I'm confused. I'll run it by IC. Also tell IC my idea to have my husband come in and level all his criticisms of me at me. Why would you do this?

The therapist gave us the fair fighting rules. I wanted to scream from frustration because I had followed the timeout rule exactly, with suggesting rescheduling, in our argument. And my husband was acting like this was all very interesting and saying he'd love if it I did that. I DID fucking do that. SEE MY COMMENTS BELOW ABOUT MC WITH A PD

The therapist prompted me to apologize for raising a hand/fist in the air 3.5 years ago when we were learning to dance. I asked my husband point blank if I have *EVER* hit him, and he said no. I have made this point to him over the years and he still thinks he can detect when someone is going to hit him. SEE MY COMMENTS BELOW ABOUT MC WITH A PD

It would have been petty for me to turn around and ask for my husband to apologize for making me angry in our argument for two weeks ago. So I didn't. I repressed that instead.

OCPD (and his childhood) would explain his fear of being hit. His hyper sensitivity to facial expressions and body language. His certainty in his rightness. My words have never mattered. I didn't get a chance to explain that my side of those arguments.

I said that my memory of those arguments when we first moved in were a complete 180 degrees from his. And then he started talking again. I withdrew and let him talk. At the end of the session he was smiling and very pleased with himself. He thinks he's winning the therapist...but he's losing me. I was turning into a little ball of despair in my seat and mister "I'm-so-perceptive" just happily went on about his view of things. SEE MY COMMENTS BELOW ABOUT MC WITH A PD

I think a separation is imminent. I can't take the anxiety and lack of sleep. I think a month from now I'll start looking for a new place and contact my friends and parents to get help moving and setting up. YOUR BODY IS TELLING YOU THERE IS A PROBLEM

Also, I hate him acting so fucking surprised that I hug our daughter when she cries. I hate all the times I've done something nice or competent and he is surprised by that.



Oh no.

MC is great when you have 2 people trying to improve communication and there is EQUAL fault to share. That is not really the case with someone with a PD.

My MC was suggested by my IC. I had been seeing my IC since the death of my mother in 2008 intermittently and picked it back up in 2012 when things with my H had increased. She was very wise to suggest this man. He runs the batterer program for the county, which I think you, would agree there is some disordered thinking with batterers that goes into a more physical way. He was keen to the behavior, the righteous indignation. It has started where the MC had pointed out where he believed my H was making a big deal of things and contrasted it with a different example, hit the button, and they were off. I would observe the arguments between the MC and H.

Perhaps your MC will catch on, but I can tell you when the MC crosses the line with your H, by indicating your H was WRONG it WILL turn. As long as the MC can help him keep his I am right position, your H will probably use it for all its worth.

Your body is telling you what you need to know. When you are ready, you will know. When you decide, things will just flow your way. I had sort of believed it but when everything DID flow, I can say that with certainty. Things will be difficult, but I can tell you the peace is worth it. Like LTF, I did not like the person I was becoming. It was an angry, sad, broken shell of what I am. I see that now after only a short time out. I miss my friend, but I love myself more.

You will get through this and hugs to you.

Dragonfly21


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 Post subject: Re: First time poster: My marriage is ending
PostPosted: Fri Mar 03, 2017 9:12 am 
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I finally got some sleep. When I saw my GP for my annual they put me through a depression screener. I have a prescription now for a medicine that reduces anxiety and helps with sleep.

My daughter was sick and couldn't go to daycare yesterday so I stayed home with her. I could really tell the difference in my parenting after having gotten 7 hours of sleep, finally. I've been regularly going 3 hours a night, sometimes zero if something particularly stressful happened with my husband, and then every once in a while I'd be so exhausted I'd get 6-7 hours. I was so much more present, aware, and interactive with her. The suffocating pressure in my chest was gone too. I used to have zero problems sleeping. I'd get 7 hours a night without any trouble.

I'll see my GP again in six weeks. He doesn't want me to stay on that medication. So I guess I really need to make up my mind soon.

I'll talk to my IC today. Then I probably need to find a new place, get furniture, and then get all my friends together to help me move.

I know how he'll talk about me because I've heard how he talked about his college girlfriend. He said she was so cold. He thought there was something wrong with her, that she lacked empathy. She cheated on him while on an internship and he says he ultimately decided he couldn't be with her anymore because he didn't trust her. That she has never wanted to talk with him since then. And now I'm no longer sure I trust that story. I can't keep trying to help him. He's going to lose his job and it'll be the boss's fault. He's going to lose me and it'll be my fault because he was being helpful around the house, he was going to therapy with me, why did I just stop?

But I don't want to be his therapist. I wanted to be his wife. I wanted us to be a team. I wanted a second child. But I've given up on the idea of a second child with him. I don't think I could stand the stress of him running around like a chicken with no head, *him* filled with stress about all the things he *needs* to do. No, *******, you need to be here with me and your newborn. Stop trying to answer every single email and facebook post. I'm still young enough to fall in love again and have a second child. And if I don't I'll console myself with my amazing little girl. Though I think I'll need to spend a year or something in therapy before I try dating again.

_________________
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪
Take a bow,
the night is over
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪


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 Post subject: Re: First time poster: My marriage is ending
PostPosted: Sun Mar 05, 2017 9:23 am 
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I felt so light after therapy on Friday. I still took the anti-anxiety medication that night. I sleep decently.

Throughout the day yesterday I'd sometimes think about my marriage, but it was light and easily pushed aside to focus on the present. I was able to be with my husband without and resentment and just enjoy his company. Plus he did some things that seemed extremely positive. He had at least one instance of affectionate behavior that wasn't prompted by me initiating. He didn't go to the ENT appointment I had scheduled for him (and which he had refused to do) but he said when they called him to let him know his appt was the next business day that he had been completely ready to go until he read the online reviews of the guy.

He says he wants to use the same guy as a co-worker, that this other guy is really good. But he wants to finish researching his own symptoms first...and making sure that that is the doctor he wants to go to. I asked him if he could commit (his wording for drop dead dates that he'll actually hit, it is new so him being able to hit them is still just theoretical) and he kept weaseling around it. I asked if he thought it would take more or less than six months. He said less, then he came back with he thought it would take two months. So in front of him I then set up a reminder on my phone and told him that in two months if he hadn't yet set an appointment, I would do so again like I had this time.

Last night I didn't take the anti-anxiety medication, thinking that the therapy had pretty much solved the problem. Nope. Back down to 1.5 hours of sleep last night because my brain wouldn't shut up.

I was viewing the above two events with so much more positivity and life in general with so much more positivity when I was on the medication. I'll go back on it tonight (because SLEEP). But I'll be aware that I haven't really turned a corner on my husband. And I'll pop off it from time to time to see what my real feelings are. But as long as I'm on them I'm not being pushed out of my marriage because of my anxieties. I have the time to really assess what kind of progress we're seeing. I see my GP in six weeks. That'll have been ten weeks of marriage therapy. By then I should have a good idea of whether I need to separate or not, yeah?

My IC suggested if I was worried my husband might decide I had poisoned the well if I did any individual sessions with the MC, then I should just ask him if he'd be comfortable with that. I did that. Husband said after having done several sessions with the MC that he thought the guy was good and would have no problems with me seeing him individually. So I'll set up an individual with the MC so I can get a few things off my chest and see what the MC has to say.

It pissed me off in the last session(s) when he was trying to make me smile and telling me I have a beautiful smile. But I think it was because he was trying to show rather than tell my husband how to deal with my "cold" face. I don't know. I'd have to ask the MC about that. Because the MC has also told my husband that it is okay for me not to look happy all the time.

It also annoyed me when I started crying at one point in that session and the MC was telling me it is okay to cry. That sometimes we need to let it all out to feel better. And I didn't use that opportunity to tell him I'd been crying everyday for the past 2-3 weeks, often multiple times a day. And crying was in fact NOT helping. So I'll need to tell him that, that I wasn't sleeping more than maybe 3 hours a night, and that I've been put on anti anxiety/depression medication. My husband knows all this information. I've kept him up to date on my lack of sleep and new medication.

And I'll need to tell him that I think my husband has OCPD and reveal some of the stuff that I was told in confidence that I can't say in front of my husband.

The MC might be a great therapist, I don't know. He can only work with the material he sees in front of him and I've been holding a lot in.

Non-medicated brain wants to just get it all out. It wants to tell husband that he has OCPD (as gently and supportively as possible) and tell husband that based on what I've read about how to treat OCPD, that I need him to go to CBT therapy for the rest of his working/child raising life. Then he and I can go back to the existence we had before kids. Because that was a situation where I found life to be pretty good. I had the independence to be as active as I wanted/needed, letting him do his own thing, and we had time to spend together and enjoy our common interests.

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Take a bow,
the night is over
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪


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 Post subject: Re: First time poster: My marriage is ending
PostPosted: Sun Mar 05, 2017 11:38 pm 
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Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:40 pm
Posts: 425
thenightisover wrote:
I felt so light after therapy on Friday. I still took the anti-anxiety medication that night. I sleep decently.

Throughout the day yesterday I'd sometimes think about my marriage, but it was light and easily pushed aside to focus on the present. I was able to be with my husband without and resentment and just enjoy his company. Plus he did some things that seemed extremely positive. He had at least one instance of affectionate behavior that wasn't prompted by me initiating. He didn't go to the ENT appointment I had scheduled for him (and which he had refused to do) but he said when they called him to let him know his appt was the next business day that he had been completely ready to go until he read the online reviews of the guy.

He says he wants to use the same guy as a co-worker, that this other guy is really good. But he wants to finish researching his own symptoms first...and making sure that that is the doctor he wants to go to. I asked him if he could commit (his wording for drop dead dates that he'll actually hit, it is new so him being able to hit them is still just theoretical) and he kept weaseling around it. I asked if he thought it would take more or less than six months. He said less, then he came back with he thought it would take two months. So in front of him I then set up a reminder on my phone and told him that in two months if he hadn't yet set an appointment, I would do so again like I had this time.

Last night I didn't take the anti-anxiety medication, thinking that the therapy had pretty much solved the problem. Nope. Back down to 1.5 hours of sleep last night because my brain wouldn't shut up.

I was viewing the above two events with so much more positivity and life in general with so much more positivity when I was on the medication. I'll go back on it tonight (because SLEEP). But I'll be aware that I haven't really turned a corner on my husband. And I'll pop off it from time to time to see what my real feelings are. But as long as I'm on them I'm not being pushed out of my marriage because of my anxieties. I have the time to really assess what kind of progress we're seeing. I see my GP in six weeks. That'll have been ten weeks of marriage therapy. By then I should have a good idea of whether I need to separate or not, yeah?

My IC suggested if I was worried my husband might decide I had poisoned the well if I did any individual sessions with the MC, then I should just ask him if he'd be comfortable with that. I did that. Husband said after having done several sessions with the MC that he thought the guy was good and would have no problems with me seeing him individually. So I'll set up an individual with the MC so I can get a few things off my chest and see what the MC has to say.

It pissed me off in the last session(s) when he was trying to make me smile and telling me I have a beautiful smile. But I think it was because he was trying to show rather than tell my husband how to deal with my "cold" face. I don't know. I'd have to ask the MC about that. Because the MC has also told my husband that it is okay for me not to look happy all the time.

It also annoyed me when I started crying at one point in that session and the MC was telling me it is okay to cry. That sometimes we need to let it all out to feel better. And I didn't use that opportunity to tell him I'd been crying everyday for the past 2-3 weeks, often multiple times a day. And crying was in fact NOT helping. So I'll need to tell him that, that I wasn't sleeping more than maybe 3 hours a night, and that I've been put on anti anxiety/depression medication. My husband knows all this information. I've kept him up to date on my lack of sleep and new medication.

And I'll need to tell him that I think my husband has OCPD and reveal some of the stuff that I was told in confidence that I can't say in front of my husband.

The MC might be a great therapist, I don't know. He can only work with the material he sees in front of him and I've been holding a lot in.

Non-medicated brain wants to just get it all out. It wants to tell husband that he has OCPD (as gently and supportively as possible) and tell husband that based on what I've read about how to treat OCPD, that I need him to go to CBT therapy for the rest of his working/child raising life. Then he and I can go back to the existence we had before kids. Because that was a situation where I found life to be pretty good. I had the independence to be as active as I wanted/needed, letting him do his own thing, and we had time to spend together and enjoy our common interests.


Hugs to you during this difficult time. You are processing, grasping, reviewing, digesting. It is overwhelming, painful, sad, messy, hopeful. I understand.
Keep at this. Review, dig, grasp, understand, hope. You will either breakthrough, your husband will have an epiphany and perhaps you will be that rare exception. I believe that there can be one. I was hopeful that "I" would be that one, until a deep review of things, a 2 year methodical process that I documented on this board, and build up of behavior that I could have NEVER predicted. I explored my "loss of hope" and hit my done moment in late January 2017. I wanted to make sure if the time came that I needed to end my marriage for ME, that I had done absolutely everything I could. It still hurts, deeply, but I know I did the right thing. You are right to do everything you can, even more so because you have a child. I commend you for doing this. Keep processing and posting, you will get through this.

Dragonfly 21


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 Post subject: Re: First time poster: My marriage is ending
PostPosted: Mon Mar 06, 2017 9:29 am 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2017 7:56 am
Posts: 49
<3 Thank you Dragonfly

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♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪
Take a bow,
the night is over
♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♫ ♪


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 Post subject: Re: First time poster: My marriage is ending
PostPosted: Mon Mar 06, 2017 11:42 am 
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Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:08 pm
Posts: 627
"It also annoyed me when I started crying at one point in that session and the MC was telling me it is okay to cry. That sometimes we need to let it all out to feel better. "

And sometimes it is okay to find the root cause of the crying and remove it from your life.


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