Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group

A support group for those with OCPD and their loved ones.
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 Post subject: Re: crazy rules
PostPosted: Mon Oct 07, 2013 10:36 pm 
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Joined: Mon Oct 07, 2013 9:23 pm
Posts: 61
OK, I can play too. These are my rules. But try as I might they all seem reasonable.

1. Don't ever finish something without adding it to the shopping list (though a safety stock of at least 1/2 week's worth would be preferable, I can be flexible)
2. Don't ever go shopping without the shopping list. I mean not ever ever.
3. Don't wait more than 48 hours to get back to my e-mail (though 2 hours would be preferable, I can be flexible)
4. Don't put back our kid's clothes in the cupboard if you suspect they're going to get too small over the next 2-3 weeks. Put it on the special pile for clothes-we-suspect-are-going-to-get-too-small-over-the-next-2-3-weeks.
5. Don't EVER leave any rubbish (e.g. drinks can) in your car. Take it to the bin straight away. I mean straight away. Do not come home unless the car is trash free. It is even better to get rid of the trash in a public bin, so ours doesn't get filled up.
6. IMMEDIATELY change the water in your car's washer fluid when you get the first warning. Even if you still have a few days' worth. Stop everything, screech to the curb, and top it up. I wish I was kidding, but this got me seriously upset the other day.
7. You can do 6 because you have RELIGIOUSLY kept a safety stock of washer fluid in the car. And changing oil, and a thermal blanket, and water, and nappies, and wipes, and toys, and toilet paper and... (and that's just in the car).
8. At home, you will keep a safety stock of EVERYTHING we could possibly ever need. From hoover bags to batteries of every size to light bulbs. Running out of something drives me insane and sadly, despite the rules in place, it still regularly happens.
9. If you are inviting friends/family over (whose visits I loooove, ironically, once I get over my planning shock), please iron out EXACTLY what time they'll get there, whether they're staying over, and insist that they arrive on time.
10. You will not play 'loud' music. To me, that means you will not play ANY music.
11. You will not relax and have your coffee and newspaper before you've done your chores. And I mean a full day's worth of chores.
12. You will under no circumstances skip doing the laundry for an entire week-end. I am still recovering from the last breach.
13. (to the cleaning lady) You will not move a single object in our house by, like, an inch. My perfectly streamlined systems would collapse instantly.
14. You will save up at least 1/3 of your salary each month, and you will save up at least 3 months' mortage at all times. We've never managed, and I stay up at night, worrying about the mortgage.
15. You will not have a credit card bill, nor any debt, outstanding for more than 1 day.
16. You will recycle like there's no tomorrow. I would also prefer it if you used only environmentally-friendly washing powder, installed solar pannels on our house, take 2-minute short showers maximum, make our own cleaning products, and recycle religiously, but I gave up on my environmental obsession, as it was conflicting with my efficiency obsession.
17. You will place the empty hangers to the right, hang the kid's pyjamas (in full sets) to the left, and, in the middle, you will hang odd pyjamas. I would prefer it if you added a label with the date you noticed the PJ's had gone rogue, so that, after 3 laundry cycles, we knew to dispose of the space-hoarding abomination.
18. You will partake in one of my sorting frenzies with enthusiasm: even for the infamous many-pile system of 'too big' 'too ugly' 'too small' 'too old' 'OK', with a sub-pile each for trousers, PJ's, socks, etc.
19. You will write down your name, the name of the item you have borrowed, the date you intend on returning the said item, and the date you have borrowed the item, in my 'lent out' manual. Actually, that's a lie. The system wasn't working, so I've stopped lending things out.
20. You will pause Dr. House so we can look up every single diagnosis in the medical dictionary
21. On a long drive, you will NOT play loud music. Scratch that. You will not play music, unless it's music I know by heart and know every lyric to (I appreciate the irony of needing to have acquired the taste for something before listening to it for the first time). We do not waste precious waking hours and we listen to podcasts instead.
22. You will not make the slightest sound, not a peep, and nor will our kid, if I am at my desk (unfortunately in the living room), finishing off that e-mail for another few... hours.
23. You will leave the stairs clutter free, because there could be a fire and in case of decreased visibility (smoke), we could trip.
24. You will regularly check that the fire escape ladder is still in a good state. Regularly. (We live in a tiny two-storey house and, rationally, I can see that we could more easily jump out of the window than use the ladder).
25. You will not light fireworks and crackers - EVER. Not even on Xmas/New Year's Eve.
26. You will not take a toilet break of more than 2 minutes if you are supposed to look after our (4 year old and extremely independent) kid.
27. You will give away to a charity shop anything you haven't used in the last... 3 months. Nothing must be taking up space in our house unless it's in regular use.
28. You will twirl no more than 3 stands of spaghetti at a time.

etc. etc. etc.

I genuinely believe our life will descend into chaos unless we keep up with these things.

I swear, these things seem like the most basic, every day, sensible precautions to me. Feedback from non OCPDers tells me they're not and, I guess I'll re-read the list critically and I suspect I'll see the funny side then.


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 Post subject: Re: crazy rules
PostPosted: Thu Oct 10, 2013 1:45 pm 
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Joined: Fri Dec 28, 2012 5:35 pm
Posts: 170
Just a thought....what could possibly happen if you twirl four strands of spaghetti at a time instead of three?


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 Post subject: Re: crazy rules
PostPosted: Sat Oct 12, 2013 1:25 pm 
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Joined: Mon Oct 07, 2013 9:23 pm
Posts: 61
DAC93 wrote:
Just a thought....what could possibly happen if you twirl four strands of spaghetti at a time instead of three?

You end up with the less-than-optimal amount of spaghetti on your fork, and it gets messy. :o


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 Post subject: Re: crazy rules
PostPosted: Sat Oct 12, 2013 3:56 pm 
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Joined: Fri Dec 28, 2012 5:35 pm
Posts: 170
Oh :) I am very glad that I don't worry like that it must get very tiring :( Not that I don't worry about plenty but just the big stuff....


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 Post subject: Re: crazy rules
PostPosted: Sat Oct 12, 2013 4:16 pm 
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Joined: Tue Oct 01, 2013 1:28 pm
Posts: 25
Only open envelopes with an envelope opener or else the opened envelope you are about to throw out will have jagged edges.


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 Post subject: Re: crazy rules
PostPosted: Wed Oct 16, 2013 11:44 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2010 9:38 pm
Posts: 1978
armadillo wrote:
DAC93 wrote:
Just a thought....what could possibly happen if you twirl four strands of spaghetti at a time instead of three?

You end up with the less-than-optimal amount of spaghetti on your fork, and it gets messy. :o
sigh. I actually spent some time deliberating on how "less-than-optimal" is actually accurate here even though we're talking about a larger quantity, as in a possibly "greater than optimal" amount of spaghetti. (oh, and do note the lack of hyphens in this wording 8-) )

_________________
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People do not change when they see the light. They change when they feel the heat.  ― Freda Lewis-Hall


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 Post subject: Re: crazy rules
PostPosted: Thu May 01, 2014 9:13 am 
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Joined: Thu May 01, 2014 8:33 am
Posts: 320
Post deleted


Last edited by ThinIce on Tue Jul 08, 2014 4:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: crazy rules
PostPosted: Thu May 01, 2014 12:28 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 20, 2009 9:56 pm
Posts: 2623
ThinIce wrote:
Truth is I do nothing but think ALL the time about how to avoid conflict but alas I slip up from time to time and all hell breaks loose.


Just to drift more off topic: I am firmly of the opinion that it's not good for anyone to follow these rules, and it's not good for anyone to tiptoe around the OCPDer to avoid conflict. That doesn't just give them power, it gives them responsibility. If there's any chance that you will obey, they're responsible for making you obey.

I think that only after they learn that you are immovably stubborn and wrong wrong wrong wrong and that you will never obey the rules, will they someday relax, because On Your Head Be It when doom follows your failure to follow the rules.

Yes, this might lead to days of nonstop screaming before they give up. I still hold to this position.


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 Post subject: Re: crazy rules
PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2014 8:52 am 
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Joined: Thu May 01, 2014 8:33 am
Posts: 320
Quote:
Just to drift more off topic: I am firmly of the opinion that it's not good for anyone to follow these rules, and it's not good for anyone to tiptoe around the OCPDer to avoid conflict. That doesn't just give them power, it gives them responsibility. If there's any chance that you will obey, they're responsible for making you obey.


There was I time I would have agreed with this. And in the early days before I understood this was a disorder I used to fight back and challenge. But I quickly learned that there was no reasoning with her. Conforming to her expectations and taking the abuse is the lesser evil than challenging and fighting her. Hense why I choose that route. I have come to learn that the OCPDr has a distorted veiw of reality (in my wife's case most likely due to faulty parenting, but that's another story). Fighting back serves no purpose as she isn't capable of seeing the sense or reason behind my point of veiw.

Unfortunatly I am comming to the conclusion that we will not have a future together because, fundamentally, she can't be anything different to what she is and I can't spend the rest of my life being someone I'm not. I feel I've lost a good 10 years of my life to this woman. But that said I've also learned alot about myself too. So maybe all is not lost.


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 Post subject: Re: crazy rules
PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2014 11:48 am 
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Joined: Wed May 20, 2009 9:56 pm
Posts: 2623
ThinIce wrote:
There was I time I would have agreed with this. And in the early days before I understood this was a disorder I used to fight back and challenge. But I quickly learned that there was no reasoning with her. Conforming to her expectations and taking the abuse is the lesser evil than challenging and fighting her. Hense why I choose that route. I have come to learn that the OCPDr has a distorted veiw of reality (in my wife's case most likely due to faulty parenting, but that's another story). Fighting back serves no purpose as she isn't capable of seeing the sense or reason behind my point of veiw.

Unfortunatly I am comming to the conclusion that we will not have a future together because, fundamentally, she can't be anything different to what she is and I can't spend the rest of my life being someone I'm not. I feel I've lost a good 10 years of my life to this woman. But that said I've also learned alot about myself too. So maybe all is not lost.


I certainly won't try to talk you out of that-- even given its best odds, an OCPD marriage doesn't have great odds. But just to clarify, I'm not suggesting that you explain why you're disobeying, and explain some more, and wait for them to agree that it's OK for you to disobey. I'm not suggesting reasoning with her. I'm suggesting that you just disobey. Period. Maybe with a brief, one-time, "No, I won't be doing that your way," or, "Thanks, but I'll be handling that this way," or, "You're welcome to rearrange the dishwasher to your satisfaction after I'm done."

I suggest emulating a law of nature. Gravity, for example, doesn't explain why it makes things fall when you release them, and it doesn't say, "Well, I can't make them understand and agree, so I guess I'll just have to keep letting things hover." Things fall. No negotiation.


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 Post subject: Re: crazy rules
PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2014 12:05 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 01, 2014 8:33 am
Posts: 320
Quote:
Things fall. No negotiation


I see your point. Problem is when something falls, it breaks!

You're made of stronger stuff than me if can excercise this approach. If I was to try this even once, over something small, the rest of the week wouldn't be worth living! Granted it would accelerate my making a choice to stay or leave...most likely I would have to leave to escape the thick tense and lingering emotional fog that would ensue!

Each of us to our own coping strategies I guess.


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 Post subject: Re: crazy rules
PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2014 2:25 pm 
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Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2014 2:39 pm
Posts: 256
I have come to believe it is these crazy rules of mine that are at the core of my behavior. I can't stop the reactions completely, but if I don't quit with these insane rules I'll never stop reacting. Some of mine ...

Don't fill the coffee machine the night before, the beans get stale.
Get all the air out of ziplock bags, even if some sealed products intentionally have a bit of air in them.
Don't spray hairspray in the bathroom, it gets on everything.
Don't let water drops sit on the tile counter, because it's not water tight like a swimming pool.
Don't leave the plastic spoon in the pot while cooking, even if it can handle twice the heat.

It's endless, but we can stop ... I hope :)

_________________
Middle-Aged Husband Father OCPD'r Able-to-Change
Cramer : 72
Too Perfect : Buku Yes's
Al Bernstein: 13


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 Post subject: Re: crazy rules
PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2014 2:33 pm 
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Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2014 2:39 pm
Posts: 256
@favasquash, I agree with you, with the caveat that we OCPD'rs make it absolutely clear the need to fix this is ours and not that of our spouses or SO. If you don't have at least some buy in from the OCPR'r, then it becomes your responsibility which is not healthy nor a likely course for success. If on the other hand, you lovingly tell the OCPD'r (once will be enough trust me) that you want to be happy with them and need to not continue to accept the criticism, then by all means do not budge, and we will likely come around once we no longer feel responsible for everything.

It's a tough line, but we usually care too much for our SO ... rather than not enough. It just comes out as negativity.

_________________
Middle-Aged Husband Father OCPD'r Able-to-Change
Cramer : 72
Too Perfect : Buku Yes's
Al Bernstein: 13


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 Post subject: Re: crazy rules
PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2014 3:28 pm 
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Joined: Fri May 16, 2014 1:59 pm
Posts: 115
My ex would spend a night here and there over the course of a few years, but when were doing our trial run on our future cohabitation, the first thing he did when he walked in my kitchen was grab the roll of paper towels and throw them in the trash because they 'weren't the right kind' (?)

He had a room mate at his place and on the counter of their tiny kitchen were 2 sets of paper towels. His`right' kind and his roommates.

Sorry. .but I am chuckling at the crazy making as I type this. :lol: uhg

I retrieved the paper towels and put them up in cupboard and came across them the other day. After thorough inspection, for the life of me I can't figure out what was different about them.


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 Post subject: Re: crazy rules
PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2014 6:01 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 20, 2009 9:56 pm
Posts: 2623
OCPD_Husband_SoCal wrote:
I have come to believe it is these crazy rules of mine that are at the core of my behavior. I can't stop the reactions completely, but if I don't quit with these insane rules I'll never stop reacting. Some of mine ...

Don't fill the coffee machine the night before, the beans get stale.
Get all the air out of ziplock bags, even if some sealed products intentionally have a bit of air in them.
Don't spray hairspray in the bathroom, it gets on everything.
Don't let water drops sit on the tile counter, because it's not water tight like a swimming pool.
Don't leave the plastic spoon in the pot while cooking, even if it can handle twice the heat.

It's endless, but we can stop ... I hope :)


I would suggest deliberately, willfully breaking every one of these rules.
- Fill the coffee machine every single night. If you're going away for a week's vacation, take the opportunity to fill it before you go so that those beans will sit for a week.
- Close the ziplock bag without pushing on it, so it's all nice and balloon like.
- Walk into the bathroom and squirt the hairspray can, twice, at least twice a day.
- Dribble some water on the counter every morning when you go in (to turn on the already-loaded coffee maker) and leave it there.
- Before you start that already-loaded coffee maker, fill a pot with water, put a spoon in it, and let it simmer until you've finished drinking your coffee.


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