It seems to me unnecessarily complicated to say the OCPDer feels bad when he's perceived to have done something wrong, rather than just to say the OCPDer has a harsh conscience, so that when he does something wrong, he feels bad.
This quote for me is the source of the 'denial' that shame and humiliation are core to ocpd. I want to add that the extreme sensitivity to humiliation felt completely out of character in my ex as well.
It's hard to defend against the charge of denial.
"You're in denial"
"No, I'm not"
"Ah HA! Just as I said"
So much to be said. Just some brief thoughts then. My take is that the OCPDer doesn't like to be humbled, or made to feel small or insignificant, but I don't believe that's because of a sensitivity to shame or humiliation. I believe it's because it limits his power to do his OCPD thing, which is to fix the world in word and deed. But limiting an OCPDer's power is a far cry from humiliation. And this isn't a semantic difference either.
I think of the OCPDer as like Atlas carrying the world on his shoulders, and how much strength and power that takes. And, as with the OCPDer, what a relief it would be to put it down, relax. To feel small and insignificant, and humble, that you can just be yourself and not carry the weight of the world around on your shoulders. Again, that, being humbled, is very different from being humiliated. I think what the OCPDer fights against is being humbled like that, because he's got his OCPD job to do, to shoulder those burdens, and don't interfere. Because if you do, the world will go to hell. Telling Atlas to put the world down, take a break, that's not humiliating him. It's saying, let it go. It doesn't have to be on you.
In response to sunnysky who says her OCPDer seems to feel shame much more often than guilt, it's important to note the OCPDer is already consumed with shame, saturated in it, partly because as Francie mentions, the chasm between his dreams and reality. These features of shame -- stiffness, tenseness, stoic facial expression, self-consciousness, looking at oneself through the eyes of others, a very constricted focus and awareness and emotional life, a stopping of feelings, off the top of my head, are also characteristic of OCPD. The OCPDer lives with a huge amount of shame, walls of shame around him. So he lives with a lot of shame, but can't stand to live with guilt. And yet much of his actions are driven by guilt, by his inability to tolerate it, just as much of Dracula's actions are driven by his inability to tolerate sunlight. Note Dracula is driven by sunlight, but spends all his time in the dark, just as an OCPDer is motivated to avoid guilt, so he's consumed with shame.
So to me, the OCPDer, living with so much shame as a part of having OCPD, has become inured to it. This is his life. Interesting to note also, that when and if an OCPDer begins to get in touch with his feelings, he's going to be hit with this wall of shame he's built up around himself over the years. Then his challenge is to break down those walls, and walk through them, to a better life.
I'm reminded of a story about dog fighting. Two pit bulls were fighting, and their jaws became locked, and one of them started to whine. One of the owners suggested (don't know if this is true or not) that the dog was whining not because it was in pain, but because, with his jaws locked with the other dog's, it was unable to bite the other dog. Belgianguy, in the same way, there's the question of why does your SO rage at you -- a reaction to being humiliated, or a reaction to having her power limited. There's a big difference between humiliation on the one hand, and being told something is not your responsibility, not your business, so stay out of it, on the other.
Humiliation is personal, like telling someone they are stupid, sick, twisted, a joke, a clown, a loser, ugly, smelly, awkward. It stings, it hurts. Actually, if someone called me those, I'd more likely consider it as data, and weigh it against what I know, and consider the source. Being challenged, doubting myself, that's not new to me. I do that to myself all the time.
We had a forum member about a year ago who I had to suspend and ban, and afterwards she did her best to try to get my goat, to denigrate me, to question my motives, to hurt me in a personal way. I think a lot of other people would have reacted to that, that attempt to humiliate, to offend one's dignity. It was mostly just annoying to me. It hurt my feelings, yes, but, I thought, do I want to be one of those people whose feelings are the most important thing in the world? I mean, aren't there other considerations?
Francie and LizaJane, I do see gender differences in shame and guilt. I think of middle school, when teasing and bullying with girls takes on a different form, where the emotional socialization, and feeling of belonging, are so important, generally, compared to boys.
I like the quote, "Shaming another in public is like shedding blood". No one likes to be shamed. It's just my experience that OCPDers are less sensitive to it than most, because they're so out of touch with their feelings. Guilt is a little less about feelings, and more about the mind, and limiting what you can think. And OCPDers want to think what they'd like.